Shattered Soul (18 page)

I walked to the end of my street, wiping tears from
my chin, and sat on the curb. I was tired of everything; of Calvin,
of trying to make myself believe Ali was ever going to be anything
other than what she was right now, an addict, and most of all, my
horrible life.

I sat on the curb in the hot midday sun and cried my
heart out, because the girl I loved had just screwed my brother for
drugs. I cried until the pain in my chest didn’t feel so raw. Until
I had no more tears left to cry out. Until the only emotion
remaining inside of me was an overpowering fury of rage so powerful
I couldn’t sit there any longer. Hatred boiled through my veins.
Hatred because Calvin knew Ali was my girlfriend. Hatred because
Ali hadn’t even thought of how doing what she did would make me
feel. Hatred because of how incredibly hurt I felt by it all.

I stood and headed back towards my house, ready to
confront my brother, this time for real. No more dirty looks,
shouting, or getting in his face and shoving. This time I was going
to throw the first punch and beat
his
ass for a change.

I made it to the front door in what seemed like the
mere blink of an eye. I swung it open and what I saw broke me.

Ali lay sprawled across my couch, her eyes closed as
though she were sleeping, her face tinted with a bluish-chalky
color, her lips dry looking and parted.

I stood at the door, frozen, my eyes taking in the
scene in front of me. Ali, motionless on the couch. Calvin knelt
beside her, the crumpled sandwich bag of pills clutched in his
hands. Brent and Kerri huddled in the recliner looking stricken,
and Jade on a cell phone talking frantically.

“I didn’t know she’d take so many,” Calvin sobbed. “I
swear, I didn’t know!”

The room spun and shifted while my lungs fought for
their next breath of air. My eyes zeroed in on the pills in
Calvin's grasp.

“Oxtcontin overdose, yes. She just grabbed a handful
and shoved them in her mouth! I don’t know what to do! She’s blue!”
Jade pleaded into the phone.

I only heard two words: Oxycontin and overdose.
Jade’s frantic voice echoed them through my mind.

I became lost inside a cloud of black rage which rose
up in that moment and consumed me. I was across the room in a
flash, my fist connecting with Calvin’s face again and again.

I felt like I was locked inside one of those
nightmares were you can’t seem to swing hard enough to connect with
anything, like your arms are made of rubber. Only, I was
connecting. I could see Calvin’s nose gushing. I could see the side
of his face becoming red and swollen with each hit. But, I couldn’t
feel it. I was completely numb.

From the corner of my eye, I noticed Jade move to
Ali’s side. She gripped her wrist, checking for a pulse. I stopped.
My fists dropped to my sides and the black cloud of rage rolled
from my mind like a thick fog. Calvin slumped to the floor at my
feet, a defeated, bloody mess.

I walked towards the couch in a daze. Carefully, I
lifted Ali’s head and slid underneath. I pulled her limp body into
my lap and cradled her in my arms, gently rocking back and
forth.

I’d told her once that it was never too late for her
to quit and I’d believed that. Now, holding her lifeless body in my
arms, I knew that to be a lie. Too late did exist. Right now. This
moment.

Chaos exploded around me and I pressed Ali's limp
body tighter against mine, unwilling to let her go even as the
paramedics rushed in and attempted to rip her from my arms. I
released her only after hearing them shout, “We’re here to help
her!”

I let them take her then, and place her on the floor
in front of me. I stumbled to my feet, watching them move in a
foggy slow motion as they began their frantic attempt to revive
her. I held my breath, my heart pounded the seconds away…and
nothing happened.

Ali was gone.

My eyes skimmed over her face. I blinked a few times,
realizing with a certainty there was nothing there; her essence,
her soul, was gone.

Only a shell remained; a beautiful body which no
longer held her beautiful soul.

I sunk to my knees, overwhelmed by a grief so strong
I hadn’t known it to even be possible. An ache for her to still be
alive and breathing began in my chest and cracked its way through
me. I felt as if a gaping hole had been gouged right out of my
heart.

The reality of the situation began to sink in piece
by piece and it shattered my soul completely.

My mind began racing as I struggled to take in a
single breath, circling around one thought and one thought only,
the guns lying in the glove compartment of the car. Sirens in the
distance filled my ears as a voice in my head began shouting,
“React…react …It’s now or never…”

My fingers squeezed the cool metal of the gun before
I realized I’d left the living room at all. It felt heavy in my
hand as I pressed its coldness against my thigh while sauntering
back into the living room.

My heart pounded, my body trembled as my eyes fell to
where Calvin slumped on the floor. How was I supposed to let this
piece of shit live when he had stolen everything good from me? How
was I supposed to live with the hole flaming inside my chest where
my heart used to be?

Blue lights swirled around the living room, my time
was running out.

I watched a paramedic begin helping Calvin sit up to
better assess his wounds. Red rage swarmed my mind. Calvin didn’t
deserve anyone’s help! If anything, the pain I’d just inflicted on
him wasn’t even close to what he deserved. My right arm twitched,
remembering the gun within my hand.

Although I had never actually fired a gun before, my
index finger still managed to find the trigger with ease. I
released the breath I’d been holding and raised my right hand,
steady and strong.

Calvin didn’t deserve to live. I had never been more
sure of anything in my life.

As though he felt my eyes boring into him, Calvin
glanced my way and our eyes locked.

“Put it down, kid,” A male voice insisted from behind
me.

I didn’t flinch. I was enjoying the amount of sheer
terror in Calvin’s eyes too much.

“I said put it down, son,” The calm voice called to
me again.

I glanced over my shoulder, keeping the gun aimed at
Calvin. Not one, but two police officers stood in the doorway
behind me. One young and one old, both with their guns aimed at me.
It was the older man attempting to talk me down, the young one
looked too focused on not passing out to speak. Rookie.

“It’s not worth it, kid,” the older man said. “Trust
me.”

Sadness broke through the rage clouding my mind. Ali
was worth it. I shifted my gaze back to Calvin.

“Yes. It is.” I pulled the trigger as the words
flowed from my mouth and hit Calvin in the shoulder.

A sharp pain pierced me in the chest. I dropped to my
knees seconds after watching Calvin crumble forward. Pain laced
through my body and panic gripped me. I glanced at my chest and
found blood soaking though my gray t-shirt rapidly.

I’d been shot.

My vision swirled and I clasped my chest as though it
would press all the blood I’d lost back inside of me somehow. Weak,
I collapsed to my side. My eyes focused on an old cigarette burn in
the carpet and I thought of how many times I’d lain in this same
spot, bleeding.

Screams and shouts rang in my ears. I didn’t know if
they were my own or someone else’s entirely. My mother’s face came
into view just before darkness crept into the edges of my vision
and an eerie calmness settled within me. Every noise became
distorted and indistinguishable as I suddenly realized, this was
it.

I was dying.

A veil of darkness swept over me, leaving me
uncertain on whether or not I had closed my eyes or if the darkness
of death had finally swallowed me whole. Ali’s face floated to the
surface of my consciousness and I struggled to grab hold, but it
was beyond my grasp. Instead, I floated through old memories of her
and I, locked in the recesses of my mind…until I came to my first
memory of her.

April nineteenth, Mrs. Gilbert's Algebra II
class…she’d smiled and I’d returned it, but a second too late.

I pushed through, holding onto that image, just as I
felt my heart flutter its final time and then stop.

Life’s a bitch, and then you die…

Jennifer Snyder writes Young Adult Edgy
Contemporary novels as well as Young Adult Paranormal Romance
novels. She resides in the beautiful mountains of Western North
Carolina with her husband and two children. Jennifer finds great
joy in blank notebooks and a smooth writing pen.

Feel free to visit her
blog at
http://jennifersnydersblog.blogspot.com