Shattered Soul (10 page)

“She’s cute and she’s got a nice car. Must be a
little rich girl,” she said in a slur of words. “Why don’t you
invite her in?”

“I don’t think so,” I snorted and headed for the
front door.

“Why not?” she snapped, turning to face me so fast
she lost her balance and nearly fell over. “You ashamed of me or
something? You ashamed of your brother?” she asked, her voice
cracking with raw emotion as she flailed her arms about wildly.

With my hand resting on the door knob, I looked her
in the eyes and said the first thing that came into my mind, the
truth.

“Yeah, maybe I am.”

Mom visibly tensed at my words.

“
Ungrateful,
that’s what you
are, an ungrateful little prick! You think you’re so much better
than us,” she slurred in a raised voice, her hands thrashing again.
“Just remember Seth, my blood is your blood, and Calvin’s is too,
and that makes you no different from us! Look at you…you’re tainted
with your own addiction. Isn’t that what you came home for? Your
bowl and weed?” she asked in a smug tone.

I couldn’t speak, I was frozen, rooted in place by
anger, shock…and hurt. I couldn’t believe my own mother was
speaking to me this way.

“She’ll realize sooner or later what a worthless
piece of crap you are. She’ll get sick of you and move on, then
you’ll be left with no one except me and your brother.” Her lips
twisted into a heinous smile.

Hot anger deeply rooted in hurt swirled through me
and I clenched my teeth to keep in all the venomous words I wanted
to spew her way. I opened the door and slammed it shut behind me.
With my jaw tightened and my heart pounding forcefully in my chest,
I stalked back to Ali’s car.

“Are you okay?” I heard her ask as I opened the
passenger door and slid in. “Was that your mom standing at the
window?”

“Yeah,” I muttered without any elaboration, keeping
my heated gaze directed at the front door of my house.

“Okay…” Ali said in a small voice. She sighed and
started up the car.

My eyes remained on the living room window as we
backed down the driveway. My mother’s fingers parted the blinds,
she stared after us as we pulled away.

“
She’ll realize sooner or later what a worthless
piece of crap you are.”
Her words echoed in my mind…tormenting
me and mixing with my own fear that there might be some truth in
them as we started down the street.

We drove to the bridge wrapped in thick silence, only
breaking it when Ali needed directions. My mind reeled while I sat
in the passenger seat, bouncing from one thought to another as my
mother’s words echoed through my head. Somewhere along the drive,
those words mixed with images of Calvin and the others snorting
lines, Jade’s dirty dancing, and Calvin’s fists flying at my face
repeatedly.

My life was so screwed up and there was no way to fix
it. If I had the guts to kill myself, I would have done it a long
time ago.

I patted my front pocket, searching for the rounded
shape of my bowl and the squish of the bag I’d shoved in there.
This was how I dealt with my life. Every time I snorted a line,
popped a pill, or smoked a bowl I was dealing with it, coping with
it the only way I knew how.

I glanced at Ali, chewing on her bottom lip as she
drove and thought of all the reasons I had for not wanting her to
meet my family. That’s when I realized, the only real reason I kept
her from meeting them was because I didn’t want her to see how
screwed up they were and have it reflect on me in her eyes. I was
ashamed of them, of my life, and if I were to be completely honest,
ashamed of myself.

I was no good, especially not for Ali.

“All right, I can’t take the silence anymore. Spill.
What’s wrong? Did your mom say something to you?” Ali asked as soon
as we pulled into the empty parking lot and parked. She stared at
me with those clear blue eyes of hers, studying me intently.

“No, nothing. You ready?” I asked, remaining tight
lipped as I opened the door and stepped out. There was no way I was
going to tell her anything my mom had said.

I waited until I heard her door open and close before
I started towards the concrete steps. I pulled out my pack of
cigarettes and lit one. Ali walked beside me, matching my stride
perfectly, while nervously chewing her bottom lip and chipping away
the remnants of her pink nail polish.

We were almost to the bridge when Ali stepped in
front of me, placing her hand firmly below my rib cage in a motion
to stop me in my tracks. It did. My breath hissed out of me and I
winced in pain.

“What? What’s wrong?” she demanded, her eyes growing
wide.

My hand flung to my bruised rib, as though me
touching it would make it feel any better. “Hurt, that’s all,” I
insisted, taking in a deep breath. I straightened myself up as best
I could, took a sharp drag off my cigarette, and stalked past
her.

She hurried to step in front of me again, her
eyebrows drawn together in concern.

“What hurt?” Before I could stop her, she’d lifted my
shirt to see for herself. “Oh my God! Seth, what happened?”

I tugged myself free from her grasp and walked the
few remaining feet to the bridge. I put my cigarette out and tucked
the remaining half behind my ear before pulling my bowl and bag
from my pocket and sitting down. Ali sat across from me, Indian
style. I could feel her eyes staring at me while I broke up my weed
and sifted through it, removing all the seeds and stems.

“What happened, Seth?” she repeated, this time in a
calmer, softer tone.

I still didn’t answer. I didn’t even look up, I just
prepped my bowl.

“Did your dad do that?” she asked in a hushed tone. I
snorted in reply, unable to keep the corner of my mouth from
turning up into a tiny smirk. What dad?

“Your mom?” she pressed further when I didn’t
answer.

Ali was fishing, fishing for answers, and I wasn’t
sure I wanted to give her any, because what would she think of me
then, once she knew the truth?

I put the bowl to my lips and let the flame of my
lighter kiss the green inside while I inhaled for as long as I
possibly could. I held it out to her and tilted my head back,
gazing up at the clear blue sky as I exhaled. I watched my massive
cloud of smoke float through the air and curl around before
disappearing.

“Okay…well, if you don’t want to tell me who did it,
then at least tell me the truth about how it happened,” she said,
handing the bowl back to me. I took it, but remained silent.

Ali glared at me, noticeably growing irritated.
“Fine. I heard you got mugged, you got in a fight at some party,
and something about a dirt bike accident.” She ticked each story
off her fingers as she spoke.

I double hit the bowl without meeting her gaze.

“So…what’s the truth?”

My eyes shifted to hers and I wondered if I should
tell her the truth or stick with one of those bad boy excuses that
didn’t make me look like the total wuss I was when it came to my
brother.

Ali’s eyes softened. “You can tell me, I won’t tell
anyone. I promise…”

Her last two words made something inside me shift and
my heart skip a beat. I believed her. “I got the shit beat out of
me,” I said flatly, keeping my eyes glued to hers.

Sadness trickled into her features, and sympathy. I
broke eye contact, regret for answering her hit me hard. I didn’t
want her sympathy and I damn sure didn’t want her pity.

“By who?” she probed, sounding cautious.

I’d already made a mistake by answering the first
time, if I answered this question it would only lead to more.

“Why do you care?” I asked, sounding harsher than I
had intended.

She shrugged and handed the bowl back to me. “I just
do.”

“My brother,” I muttered, wondering why I’d allowed
those words to escape.

“I didn’t know you had a brother.”

My eyes dropped to the wooden planks that made up the
bridge. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” Boy, was that the
understatement of the year.

“So tell me.”

My stomach twisted into knots as a bad case of nerves
tugged at my insides. “What do you want to know?” I asked, flipping
my lighter around between my fingers nervously.

“Anything and everything,” she replied.

I ran my fingers through my hair. Where was I
supposed to start? “Hmm…” I stalled and seconds ticked away far too
fast.

“Umm…do you have any pets?” she wondered. I silently
thanked her for not leaving me out to dry any longer, that and for
not asking about my family right off the bat.

“Nope, you?”

She hit the bowl one long time and exhaled sharply as
a sudden coughing fit overcame her. Ali shoved the bowl back into
my hand while she struggled to breathe in between hacking. I dumped
the ashes into the palm of my hand before sliding it back into my
front pocket.

“Yeah,” she managed to choke out. “A huge golden
retriever. His name is D-O-G,” she said with a goofy grin.

I chuckled. “What the hell kind of name is that?”

“My dad’s corny sense of humor kind. He was going to
name him God because he thought it would be ridiculously funny to
shout for him in a public place and see the looks on people’s faces
when they saw a dog come running. But, my mom said it was
disrespectful, even though we’ve never been a religious family. So,
my dad flipped it and called him D-O-G instead.”

I laughed, amused. “That’s pretty fuckin’
clever.”

Ali grinned. “I know, right? But, it does make you
think though, doesn’t it? Why is a dog called a dog? It’s just God
spelled backwards.” She raised an eyebrow at me, as if daring me to
continue on with the thought.

I shook my head and chuckled. “This could end up
being a pretty deep topic.”

“Afraid of a little deep conversation, Seth?” she
teased.

Was she flirting with me? I flashed her a crooked
grin. “Maybe.”

“You’re cute, you know that?” she smirked.

My grin grew. Yep, she sure was. “So, I’ve been
told.”

“Oh?” She raised a perfectly arched eyebrow at me,
again.

A sudden desire to kiss her rippled through me. I
leaned in. “Really…” I muttered, my eyes zeroing in on her
lips.

She licked them, either subconsciously or in
anticipation I wasn’t sure, but, it was all the invitation I
needed. I closed in on the space remaining between us and pressed
my lips against hers. Her arms wrapped around my neck, making my
heart pound in my chest. I wanted her, I wanted her so freaking
badly it hurt.

I kissed her more forcefully, parting her soft lips
with my tongue, ignoring the stinging pain it caused in my bottom
lip to do so, and pulled her into my lap. My fingers roamed across
her lower back until I found access to the smooth skin underneath
her shirt. I caressed her bare skin with my thumbs, inching my way
around towards her front.

“No, wait,” she breathed, pulling away and gripping
my hands, freezing them in place above her navel. “Let’s not get
too carried away.”

I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, God, how
I wanted to get carried away with her. I ran my fingers through my
hair and opened my eyes as she shifted to sit beside me again
instead of in my lap.

“Are you mad?” she asked, eyeing me.

I cleared my throat and straightened myself up,
pulling my shirt down in front to hide just how carried away I’d
been. “No, I’m not mad. It’s cool,” I reassured her.

“It’s not that I don’t want to…it’s just, I don’t
want to do it here.”

My eyes skimmed over her face, she looked
uncomfortable and embarrassed.

“It’s cool, I get it.” I said in a light tone, hoping
to make her feel a little better.

I dug around in my pocket until I found my bowl and
packed up another one, letting her have greens this time. She
scooted closer beside me, allowing her leg to rest pressed against
mine. We smoked in awkward silence.

“What’s your brother’s name?” she suddenly asked,
passing the assed bowl to me.

I cringed and reached for the cigarette tucked behind
my ear. I lit it before answering. “Calvin.”

“My brother’s name was Jacob,” she said softly and my
mind focused on one word: was.

“Was?” I questioned.

“Yeah, he was three years younger than me,” she
whispered, her gaze frozen on the wooden planks in front of
her.

“What happened?” I wondered.

Ali drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her
arms tightly around herself. I’d always thought of Ali as seeming
innocent, but this was the first time I thought of her as seeming
fragile.

“Jacob had gone to spend the night at his friend
Kyle’s house. He was eight-years-old, and it was the second time
he’d ever spent the night at a non-relative’s house.” She paused,
squeezing her eyes shut as if fighting back strong emotions
threatening to overtake her.

I sat in silence, waiting for her to continue, unsure
of what to say.

“Kyle’s mom had been driving them to pick up a pizza
and rent a movie when a teenage girl ran a red light and hit the
driver’s side; the side my brother had been sitting on. Jacob and
Kyle’s mom were killed instantly and Kyle suffered from a
concussion, a broken arm, and a few bumps and bruises. All because
the driver of the other car, a sixteen-year-old girl named Colleen
Amons, had been texting while driving.” Her eyes shifted to mine,
pain and torment reflected in them and it tore at the edges of my
heart.

“Things changed after that. It was like my parents
and I lived in utter silence for two years after the accident,
unable to stop mourning the death of my little brother. My dad
became withdrawn, but at the same time, firm and strict with me. My
mother began writing and that’s when we started moving around from
place to place. She always says it’s because she needs new energies
around her to keep the creative energies flowing…but sometimes I
wonder if it’s just her way of running from herself and the reality
of losing her son.” Ali drew in a shuddering breath. “Sorry, guess
this is one of those deep conversations you don’t like, huh?” She
smiled at me weakly and I couldn’t bring myself to flash her even
the faintest of smiles in return.