Shattered Soul (15 page)

My jaw clenched. When I looked into her eyes, hunger
and desire were all I saw, both so intense it scared me. I didn’t
want her to end up like Jade or Kerri, or worse…like the red-head
at Dope Man’s house. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if she
ended up like them.

Ali put a hand on my chest. “Don’t be mad,” she
whispered in a sugary tone. “Just one and then we’ll go.
Promise.”

What could I say? She’d already made up her mind. My
eyes darted to Calvin. Bastard, I thought. He was happy she’d said
yes, I could tell just by looking in his eyes, and if I made an
even bigger scene out of this right now, he’d enjoy it even
more.

“Whatever,” I said shaking my head, pissed.

Ali crossed the living room and sat on the floor in
front of the coffee table. My heart pounded and my mind reeled, but
I walked to sit beside her. I couldn’t believe Ali was still going
to do one even after I’d turned it down, a bad sign that she was
beyond the point of being able to say no.

I didn’t know who to be pissed at more, Calvin for
his scheming ways, Ali for saying yes and still being willing to do
one even after she saw how clearly aggravated I was by her choice,
or myself for being the one to open that door for her in the first
place.

My eyes bounced between Ali’s giddy face and Calvin’s
predatory stare. I watched her chuckle and talk with Jade and
Kerri, oblivious to the fact my brother had just chalked one notch
up underneath her name in his mind.

I stared at Calvin while his eyes swept over every
inch of Ali as he savored the remnants of his burger before his
gaze finally shifted to mine. He didn’t have to speak for me to
know his intentions, it was as though they had been written in the
air between us;
game on!
Ali had become a challenge to
him.

Hot anger splashed through my insides. I couldn’t sit
here while she anxiously awaited the line I didn’t want her to
have. I stood and stepped to the pile of CDs spread in front of the
stereo.

“Need a cigarette, Seth?” Calvin asked in a
condescending tone. He knew how badly bothered I was by this
situation.

I didn’t answer, I pretended not to hear and
continued riffling through CDs, not really seeing them.

“Give him a cigarette, Kerri, he looks like he could
use one,” Calvin ordered with a slight chuckle.

Kerri tossed one in my direction, it landed beside my
shoe. I picked it up and stood, digging in my pocket for my
lighter.

“Thanks,” I grumbled, not addressing anyone in
particular. Who died and made Calvin God?

“You sure you don’t want one, Seth? I’d be happy to
chop you out one, too, so you and Ali can be on the same page,”
Calvin said, pulling out a baggie from his backpack.

“I said no.” A lie; of course I wanted one, but I
wasn’t about to admit that now. Especially now that he was being
such a dick. No, I had to be strong this time.

Besides this whole scene, the cigarette, him offering
lines, the niceness that apparently only I could see through, was
nothing but an act. And this time, I wasn’t playing a role in
it.

My blood boiled through my veins as Calvin began
chopping out lines. My ears magnified each crunch of his lighter,
each scratch of his razor blade. I hated being here, I hated the
sight of Calvin, I hated seeing how happy Ali seemed. I felt like I
was suffocating, suffocating in a room filled with air.

“Ali, you go first,” Calvin insisted politely,
handing her a cut straw.

She shifted in front of the coffee table, tucking her
legs beneath her. I watched her close one side of her nose and
place the straw in the other. My nails dug into my palms, my heart
pounding in my ears. My eyes darted to Calvin’s face, he was
enjoying this way too much.

My eyes dropped back to Ali. Couldn’t she feel it?
Couldn’t she feel the way Calvin had been looking at her? How he’d
been staring at her so intently, practically undressing her with
his eyes? I could and I’d never wanted to beat the shit out of my
brother more than I did right now.

Ali handed the straw back to Calvin and pinched the
bridge of her nose. “Thanks.”

“For you, no problem,” Calvin replied, flashing her
the same charming smile from the first time he’d met her.

My stomach knotted, because this time, I was positive
she couldn’t see through it.

“Well, I hate to run…but,” she turned to look at me.
“We have to go.”

Calvin threw up a hand. “I get it. My little brother
can be a stick in the mud sometimes,” he chuckled.

I walked to the door and swung it open, then slammed
it shut behind me. I couldn’t witness his fakeness any longer, it
was sickening. I walked straight to Ali’s car and climbed into the
passenger seat.

I didn’t speak once she got in. I didn’t speak much
to her the entire night. What was there to say? Ali was becoming a
person I didn’t recognize and this was the first time being around
her pissed me off more than I could put into words.

Ali and I didn’t talk for the next two days. Every
time I contemplated talking with her about the line she’d done with
Calvin, I saw red. It was our first fight and no words had even
been spoken. By Wednesday afternoon, the third day of us not
speaking, Ali consumed my mind completely.

After smoking my second bowl of the day, I stole a
menthol from Kerri’s pack when she wasn’t looking and stepped
outside. It was scorching hot out, but better than being inside
with a bunch of tweakers who were just now starting to come down
from a three day binge.

I stood outside my front door, enjoying my cigarette.
Before I knew it, my feet were moving and I found myself standing
on Ali’s front step.

I wiped beads of sweat from my forehead and swallowed
hard. I was hot and tired, and now that I was standing here at her
door, there was no point in turning back. I needed to talk to Ali.
I had to explain my reasons for being so aggravated with her for
doing that line with Calvin and figure out a way to make her
understand I didn’t think we needed to do it ever again, without
looking like a fool.

I knocked on the door and waited. Ali’s mom
answered.

“Seth, hello,” she smiled, and I saw the resemblance
between her and Ali. “Come on in.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Carson,” I muttered, stepping
inside.

“Ali’s in her room…actually, she’s been in her room
for the last few days. You guys get into your first argument or
something?” she asked, pursing her lips together tightly and
folding her arms.

“Something like that,” I said, unable to meet her
eyes.

“Go on up and talk things out. Maybe you can get her
to at least come out of her room to eat something,” she said,
motioning towards the stairs.

I nodded and started up them, feeling guilty I hadn’t
come over sooner. Ali must be really upset.

“Oh, and remember…door open…” she reminded me from
the bottom step.

I gave her a crooked grin. “I remember.”

I stood in front of Ali’s closed bedroom door
wondering what to say now that I knew she was so upset. Obviously,
she’d regretted doing the line and I needed to say something to
smooth this over.

I rapped on her door twice.

“Go away…not hungry, mom!” Ali shouted.

“It’s me, actually,” I said, opening the door
slowly.

I stepped in. Ali was sitting on the floor with her
back leaned up against her bed, a spiral notebook rested in her lap
and she held a blue pen in her hand. Various sketches of
butterflies and fairies sitting on mushrooms littered the hardwood
floor around her.

Needles of shock stabbed through me at the sight of
her, crippling me where I stood for a long moment.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded, instantly
going back to the drawing in her lap.

I swung the door closed part way, being sure to leave
it cracked slightly, and leaned against her wall beside it for
support. This was the last thing I had expected to see and my heart
raced in my chest, while my stomach churned. Ali was still
tweaking.

This had been why she wouldn’t come out of her room,
why her mom couldn’t get her to eat, and why she hadn’t come to see
me. Not because she was upset with me, and not because she felt
guilty or even the slightest bit remorseful.

It was simply because she was still high.

I watched her repeatedly trace over the same spot on
her piece of paper. My eyes skimmed over her, taking in how awful
she looked. Her hair fell loosely past her shoulders in a tangled
mess, her skin was pale and pasty looking, her eyeliner had smudged
and I couldn’t tell where her make-up ended and dark circles from
lack of sleep began. She’d chewed her bottom lip so much it had
cracked and was crusted in blood.

My mind struggled to form a coherent sentence, but
came up with nothing. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I felt like
I’d been sucked into my own worst nightmare.

“Oh shit!” She jumped as though something had just
come at her from the side, chuckled, and went back to her
drawing.

I didn’t ask what she thought she’d seen, because I
already knew. Ali had been up for so long, she was beginning to see
shadow people. I ran my fingers through my hair, swallowed hard,
and stepped to her side.

A thought came to me so suddenly it felt like
lightning striking my brain. Calvin must have slipped her some when
I went to the car the other night! It was the only way she could
have gotten any. Rage blistered my insides.

“Did Calvin give you some for yourself the other
night?” I asked, desperately trying not to shout, afraid her mother
might hear and come to see what was going on.

Ali didn’t answer, she didn’t act like she’d even
heard me.

“Ali!” I snapped at her.

She continued drawing, ignoring me. I bent down and
gripped her hand, putting my face at her level. “Did Calvin give
you some for yourself the other night?” I repeated.

She glanced at me with a blank expression. Only a
sliver of blue rimmed her pupils now, they were so dilated. The
edges of my heart tore as I stared into her dark eyes. I felt
responsible for this. No matter who she’d gotten this batch from,
Ali never would have touched it if I hadn’t told her it was ok.

“Yeah, he did. So what?” She jerked her hand from my
grasp and tossed her notebook and pen on the floor.

“Is it gone?” I asked.

She stood and paranoia seeped into her features.
“Why?”

“Because you don’t need any more,” I muttered, my
eyes already scanning her room for any place she might have stashed
it.

My heart slammed against my ribcage and my mind
reeled so fast my head felt like it might explode. I was angry and
pissed and scared all at the same time. What if her parents
realized she was fucked up on something? What would they do to her?
What would her dad do to me?

“Don’t tell me what I need!” she muttered. “What are
you looking for?” Panic leaked into her voice.

“You don’t need any more, Ali; what you need is some
sleep,” I insisted, opening every drawer in sight.

I caught her gaze for a split second, it fell to the
floor where she’d been sitting in front of her bed when I had first
came in. I walked over and dropped to my knees at her bedside. I
reached under and pulled out a small mirror with a paper weight,
her license, a cut straw, and a baggie with one tiny shard left
inside.

“That's mine, I need that! What are you doing?” She
lunged at me, reaching to grab it.

I stiff-armed her to hold her back while I shoved it
all into my pocket as fast as I could.

“I need it, Seth, I need it,” she whined.

“No, you don’t. You need sleep,” I told her again as
I stood.

Ali slumped to her knees in front of me, her eyes
pooling with tears. “Seth, don’t,” she whispered. “Don’t take
it.”

My heart broke. Was she really that far gone already?
Had I been that blind to it all? I'd heard of kids getting hooked
on the shit after their first time, hell, look at Kerri, but I'd
always assumed Ali was stronger than that. I had been wrong.

I dropped to one knee in front of her, gripped her by
the arms gently, and kissed her on the forehead. “You’ll thank me
in a few days. You don’t need this anymore, Ali. It’s never too
late for you to quit,” I promised.

My last words repeated in my mind. I didn’t know who
I’d said them for, myself or Ali. Either way, this was it. This was
the last time I ever wanted to see this shit again.

I walked out of her room, being sure to close the
door firmly behind me, and started down the steps at a quick pace.
I let my anger swallow me. Calvin, withering in pain, was the only
image flashing through my mind as I left her house and headed for
home.

My mind raced at a pace far faster than my feet were
carrying me on my jog home. Adrenaline pumped through me, fueling
my rage like wind to an open fire. I didn’t know what I would do
the moment I saw Calvin’s face, but I knew what I wanted to do; I
wanted to bloody his fucking nose.

By the time I finally made it to my house, sweat
poured off of me in a steady stream and the first thing I noticed
was Kerri’s car still parked in the driveway.

I stomped up the steps, jerked the front door open,
and zeroed in on Calvin. He was sitting on the couch, sipping a
glass of water, but he stood and puffed up the moment he saw my
face. I was across the room and inches from him in a second. I
pulled everything I’d taken from Ali out of my pocket and threw it
in his face.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he demanded.

“You!” I shouted, lost in my anger. “You’re my
fucking problem!”

The look of complete shock that crossed Calvin's face
for just a split second was priceless. Never in my life had I ever
spoken to him this way and to say it felt amazing was an
understatement.