Shattered Hart (11 page)

I’m so upset that I can barely speak. 
Making my excuses to Spence
,
I get off the phone
. I’m
completely
shattered, and I lay my head down on the
table.
  What have I
done
?  Why did I touch her?  The answer to both of those questions is that I fucked up
,
and
I’m selfish.  I thought about what I wanted instead of what Brooke deserved. 

I
can’t
leave Spence alone to take care of the girls for another night.  Clearly my running away did
not
have the desired effect.  A conversation with Brooke is in order.  She needs to understand that I can never be a choice for her. 
It
’s
the only way.

Heading in
to my bedroom, I pack a bag.
Once I’m finished packing, I send a text to Spencer asking what suite Brooke is in.  Once I’ve got his reply,
I get in my car and make the drive to Vegas. 

I arrive just after six in the morning.  At the front desk I flash my license, purposely concealing the first name, and identify myself as Dante Hart.  After explaining that I lost the card to one of
“
my
”
suites, I’m given the key to Brooke’s room.

The ride up in the elevator passes quickly and before I know it, I’m opening the door to Brooke’s suite.

Everything is quiet and dark, which I take as
a good sign.  Finding my way
to the bedroom, I stand over Brooke’s sleeping form and do a visual check. Even with clear signs of a rough night, she looks gorgeous. 

I don’t have the heart to wake her.  Instead, I
pull a chair up to the edge of the bed and watch her as she sleeps.  I know I’m not going to win any awards with her for doing this.  Words like “stalker” and “asshole” run throug
h my head.  While I know this is
a bad idea, I just need to be near her.

I spent a long time staring at her, wishing that things were different.  At some point I guess I dozed off, and I
wake up
to a furious Brooke sitting on the edge of the bed
yelling at me. 

“Goddammit Damien, are you serious right now with this shit?”

Yep, as expected, she’s not thrilled with my turnin
g up in her room unannounced. 
Rubbing my hands over my eyes, I try and wake up.  A look at the clock shows that it’s
just after nine in the morning.
Turning my head back to Brooke, I find her glaring at me. 

“I asked you a question Damien.  You’re going to want to answer it.”

“I’m sorry.  I knew you were going to be pissed that I came in while you were sleeping. After Spencer called, I drove all night to get here. 
I have no excuse, other than the fact that I needed to see yo
u, to make sure you were okay.”

“This isn’t even a little bit acceptable Damien.  It says that you think I’m some feeble little girl who can’t take care of herself, and I don’t like it.
I’m not a child, nor am I
your
possession.
If you wanted to see me, you should have knocked on the damn door.”

Groaning, I cover my eyes with my hands.  I’m fucking things up like a real champ these days. 

“You’re right.  Of course you’re right, and I apologize.  I knew you weren’t going to be thrilled about this, but I clearly didn’t think it all the way through.  I assure you, I’m not here because I think you’re a feeble child.  And I know that you aren’t… mine.”

That last bit hurts more to say than it should.  Talk about being a mess.

“Look.  I’m fine.  Other than being hung over and embarrassed, I’m okay. 
You didn’t need to sneak in to my room and watch over me like a night nurse. 
What can I do for you Damien?”

Dammit. 
I knew this would happen when I bailed on the
trip and pretended I had a date.
T
hat doesn’t make it sting any less
though
.
  I’ve let her down
.
I can see it in her body language and her facial expression.  What if I’ve gone too far and she hates me? 
I’m not sure I could deal with that.

“I imagine
that
you
’r
e pissed
at me about what happened on Sunday after dinner, but
don’t
push me away Brooke.  I care about
you
very
much
,
and
I
didn’t
mean to hurt you.  I
don’t
want to lose
our
friendship over this.  I’m
terribl
y
sorry for anything that I’ve done that has angered
y
ou
.  Please
don’t
hate me honey
.
I don’t think I could survive that.
”

She takes in everything I’ve said in silence and appears to weigh her words before answering. 

“I can handle that
you
made a mistake la
st weekend in the driveway. 
What I
can
’
t
handle is
feeling
like a piece of meat. 
O
pting out of
this trip to go on a date
… well, it
made me feel like an even bigger idiot than I already did.
 
If your intenti
on was
to
make me feel like a
stupid
tramp, mission accomplished.
  I get that
you
do
n’
t
want me and that Sunday was a mistake, but what I
do
n’
t
accept is your immature attemp
t to send me a message that
it meant less than nothing to you, and you’re on to the next girl.
 
I
get it.  You’ve made it abundantly clear
.
 
You didn’t need to bail out on a family trip to send that message.”

For a minute
,
I can only stare at her. 
With blinding clarity,
I
realize that I am guilty of mistak
enly assuming that her age means
that she
is
barely an adult.
Clearly, I am very wrong.  She
just took me on without batting an eye.
  Brooke saw through me completely, and I feel like
the lowest form of life
.
 
In a state of shock
, I mentally berate myself for being such a fool before I
begin speaking.

“
Christ Brooke.  It isn’t that I don’t want you
.  I
t’s that I want
you too
much.  I’m not good enough for you!  You deserve so much better.  I don’t ever want to be in a relationship, and you aren’t the type to have a fling
.
I fuck sweetheart, and that’s all I do.
It means nothing when I
do it
.  I find girls who want to do what I like to do, and I spend myself in them. When I’m done, I leave. 
You don’t want that, and you and I both know it.”

Her face is a mask of shock and she says nothing, so I plow on. 

“
I was
nervous about this weekend
, so
I decided it would be easier not to come.
I didn’t even have a fucking date.
I
figured
if
you
thought
I was with someone else,
you
woul
d
make sure that what happened between us wouldn’t ever happen again
. 
This is about me Brooke,
and what an unworthy fuck up I am.  It’s not you at all.  You’re perfect. 
I never intended
to make
you
feel like an idiot or a tramp. 
You
’
re
neither of those things.
You
mean the world to me
,
and
I
don’t
want to lose you.  Can we start again and get past this?”

The silence stretches between us, heavy and thick. 

Finally Brooke says, “You’ve got issues Damien. There were a million different, more mature, ways to deal with what happened on Sunday.  I’m not mad anymore, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not flabbergasted that you thought you had to go to such great lengths
to run away
.  All you ever had to do was talk to me.”

Shaking her head, she stares at me for a moment before continuing. “
Thank
you
for apologizing. 
You
owed me that.
  We’re going to be
fine
as long as
you
behave like an adult from here on out
.  I already know tha
t
you don’t want to be
relationship material. 
You
didn’t
have
to
go that far
.  I’m not stupid.”

Whatever pedestal I was on with her before
is
gone forever
.  I feel sick inside as I process everything that she is saying.  I should feel
relieved
that my plan to keep her away has been successful. 
Instead
,
I feel like I just lost something magical.  I guess what they say about the road to hell
being paved
with
good
intentions is true.

“I never thought
you
were
stupid Brooke.  I’m the idiot.”

“Yes, you are.  But n
ow
you can
be the idiot that buys me
breakfast
as soon as I get out of the shower
.
I’m starving.”

Just like that, she’s ended the conversation, and I have no choice but to plaster a smile on my face and follow her lead… even though it breaks my heart to do so. 

I’m straight out fucking lying to her by giving her the impression that I’m not interested in a relationship.
With her, I’m very interested, more
than she can ever know.  

Hell,
I’m not having sex with anyone
because I don’t get arous
ed for anyone but her anymore.
  She means more to me than anyone aside of my family ever has.  In the end, that’s why I need to make sure that we don’t cross the line.  I love her enough to know that how I feel about her doesn’t make it what she needs.

Pretending that I’m still as shallow as
I was when I met her might be a good way to keep her away, but it makes me feel like absolute shit.

After my conversation with Damien, I did some thinking. 
When
we
talked this morning, I was so hurt by his subterfuge that I didn’t really process everything he said.  A
few hours later
,
I realized that what he
said
was more important than what he did. 

Damien Hart wants me, and according to him, he wants me too much.
It’s almost more than I can wrap my mind around.
He didn’t kiss me that night in Dante’s driveway because I was just
a
body.
He didn’t invent a bullshit date to keep me at arms-length because he doesn’t want me.
He also didn’t drive through the night to come to Vegas to check on me because he thinks of me as a sister. 

I’ve concluded that he did all of that because he cares, and he’s scared.
  He’s got his mind made up, and I see that I need to tread very carefully, but there is no way in hell that I’m not trying to win him over

I’m going to break down his barriers and get through to him, one way or the other.  I have no idea why he thinks I deserve better than him, and frankly I find that statement
baffling
.  He doesn’t have a firm understanding of
the type of man that
he is if he thinks there’s
better out there. 
Damien is the finest man I know.  His code of honor is absolute,
and his misguided efforts to ‘save’ me from him illustrate
that perfectly. 

Instead of letting him push me away, I’m doubling down.   His defenses can be breached, as long as I do it very carefully.  Patience isn’t one of my dominant character traits, but for Damien, I
can wait.  I believe that he wi
ll come around, and I know with absolute certainty that he is worth the wait.