Shatter Me (The Jaded Series, #1) (12 page)

I look up into his eyes, eyes that are pleading with me to give him a chance. They truly are the most spectacular eyes I’ve ever seen, which fits Jaxon perfectly because he’s the most spectacular man I’ve ever met, inside and out.

While still holding his gaze, I tell him the truth, a truth that I wish wasn’t so.

“I don’t know if I can ever I trust someone else, Jaxon. Yes, I’ve had bad things happen to me in the past and that has made it hard for me to give my trust. I don’t know if I’m still capable of giving it anymore.”

My words are low and I know they hurt him from the look that enters his face. The last thing I want is to hurt him, but I just can’t give him what he wants.

“One day, Angel. One day, you’ll trust me.” He whispers to me. I don’t tell him that one day soon I’ll be leaving.

He drops his head and I feel his soft lips against my forehead again. It gets easier and easier to accept each time he does it.

He removes his hand from the side of my face to grab my hand again.

“Come on. I’ll show you the rest of the apartment. I think you’ll really like the bathroom.” He grins at me over his shoulder.

He flips on a light at the mouth of a short hallway and we make our way to one of the three doors. He opens it and steps to the side so I can enter. What I see makes me want to push him out of the apartment so I can become acquainted with the huge, old fashion, iron claw foot tub that sits up against a wall below a window. It looks like something that you would see in a movie or read about in a book. It’s white and has high faucets. It even has the round shower rod that people back in the day used to use. There’s a white shower curtain hanging from it. Classic. Beside the gorgeous tub sits a shelf that has shampoo, conditioner, cucumber melon scented body wash, bath salts, and a loofa on it.

Wow, Jaxon’s thought of everything. I don’t know which I’m looking forward to more. Sleeping on cool, clean sheets or taking a real bath, especially in such a gorgeous tub.

Dragging my gaze away from the temptation, I take in the rest of the bathroom. The walls are a soft baby blue. There’s a pedestal sink that sits in the corner. Beside it, between the tub and the sink, is the commode. There’s another shelf that sits on the other side of the sink, which carries several different items that women use, some of them are mine and some are new. There’s plenty of lighting, but I like the natural light that comes through the frosted over window that’s above the tub.

“Do you like it?” Jaxon asks from behind me.

I twirl to him with a big obnoxious grin on my face and clap my hands in front of me. “I love it!”

He chuckles, which causes his eyes to crinkle and little laugh lines appear by his eyes. I love his laugh. It makes him even more gorgeous that he was before, if that’s even possible.

Grabbing my hand again, he pulls me from the bathroom and we stop at the next door in the hallway. It’s a linen closet and he shows me the extra sheets and towels that are inside.

The last door is the bedroom. It’s the room that makes me the most nervous to enter. Bedrooms are made for two reasons. For people to sleep or for them to do more carnal things in. I really don’t want to go in there with Jaxon. I know it sounds silly, but it just seems too intimate for me to be in a room with Jaxon where people have sex.

My heart rate picks up when we make it to the last closed door. Jaxon pulls it open and steps inside, dragging me with him. He must sense my apprehension because once we step through the doorway he releases my hand. I miss the warmth and strength of his hand, but I’m also grateful that he understands my need for distance.

This room is small, too. Up against one wall there is a double bed that has a lime green comforter on it. On either side of the bed are small night stands. Directly across from the bed sits a small dresser, with some of my things placed on top. On the far wall, just below the bare window there is a writing desk with a chair sitting in front of it. The walls are a cream color and there’s nothing hanging from them.

While I’m taking in the room, I feel Jaxon’s eyes on me. I don’t look at him, afraid of what I might see in them. Nervously, I glance around the room some more and notice a door to my left. I walk over and open it. It’s actually a pretty decent size walk-in closet, which surprises me because of the size of the room. I flip the light switch and see some of my meager belongings sitting on the floor; a couple of boxes, a suitcase, and a small travel bag. Most of my clothes are hanging up.

I walk out of the closet and move to the dresser and start opening the drawers. What I see is what I feared. All of my undergarments and the few t-shirts and shorts I have are already placed inside.

I close my eyes in shame at how pathetic I must appear. When I left Steven, I left all my clothes behind, except for the ones I was wearing. I was never allowed to work so all the clothes I owned were ones he bought for me. I didn’t want to bring anything that came from him. The only things I took were a few things I still had when Chris and I shared an apartment. Once I left the town where Steven and I lived I stopped at a thrift store and bought the bare minimum of clothes. The only items I allowed myself to buy brand new were panties and a single bra. I just couldn’t force myself to buy and then wear undergarments that have already been worn.
Yuck!
Even still, the panties and bra I bought were the most basic and cheapest I could find.

I turn and face Jaxon, which is casually leaning against the doorway with his arms and ankles crossed. He answers the question that’s on the tip of my tongue.

“Anna put away your things.” He says quietly, realizing I’m the verge of another breakdown. He must think I’m a crazy person with serious mental issues. All I seem to do around him is either cry or completely lose it.

I nod my head and tell him thank you.

He cocks his head to the side a little and asks, “You okay?”

My head nods again when I reply, “Yes. I’m fine.”

His brow puckers a little, like he doesn’t believe me. It looks as though he wants to push the issue, but then he straightens up from the doorway.

“You look exhausted, Angel. I’m going to head out so you can get some rest. Walk me to the door?”

“Yeah, sure, I can do that.” I stumble out my reply.

He turns and makes his way back down the hallway as I trail behind him. When he reaches the door, he turns back towards me while reaching into his pocket and pulling out a key ring with two keys on it.

“This key is to the apartment door.” He says while pointing to a silver key. He then points to a slightly bigger brass key. “And this one is for the door leading to the stair.” He holds out the key ring and I take it by letting it slide on my pointer finger.

He then reaches into his back pocket and pulls out an envelope handing it to me.

“Here are your tips for the night. Mia cashed you out while you were waiting on me to bring you up here.”

I take the envelope feeling the excitement of finally making money on my own again. I haven’t had a job and my own money since my last year of college. It’s such a nice feeling knowing that I actually earned the money that’s resting in my palm. Steven always made plenty of money for the both of us. He always said there was no sense in me working when he made enough for us to live the high life. Of course, I know the true reason he didn’t want me to work. He didn’t want to take the chance of people finding out about his extracurricular activities regarding me.

As I clutch the envelope I glance up at Jaxon. “Thank you, Jaxon. Thank you for everything.” I feel moisture reach my eyes and I quickly blink the tears away. He is such a kind hearted and sweet man.

“Have breakfast with me tomorrow at Maggie’s?”

The question takes me by surprise. He looks so hopeful and earnest. The eagerness I see makes my decision for me. There’s no way I can say no to him when he’s helped me so much. If he truly wants to spend time with me by having breakfast, it’s the least I can do. To be honest, I find the thought of spending time with him exhilarating, even if it does make me a little nervous.

I tip the corners of my lips in a shy smile and say, “I’d like that.”

His gaze drops to my lips for a second before returning to my eyes. There’s something in his expression that makes me fidgety. He’s looking at me as though he wants to reach out and touch me, like I’m the most precious thing in the world to him, which is crazy because he barely knows me.

He takes a cautious step towards me and reaches out his hands. I stiffen, but hold myself still, not taking a step back. He places his hands on either side of my face and lowers his lips towards my forehead again. It’s one of the sweetest gestures anyone has ever done to me. If being touched by a man wasn’t so frightening, I could seriously get used to having his hands on me, which he seems to like to do a lot.

I feel his thumb rubbing across the scar on the side of my face and I close my eyes as a lump forms in my throat. I wish so much I could be a normal woman. A woman worthy of Jaxon’s affections. Any woman would be lucky to have a man like him in their life.

After he kisses my forehead again, he rests his against my own. I open my eyes to see him watching me. His eyes are back to the color they were before, when he was watching me laugh earlier tonight; deep purple and steel blue. I can see his pupils are dilated. When he speaks, I feel and smell his warm, minty breath against my lips. It sends shivers down my spine and I catch my breath. For some odd reason, him being this close doesn’t cause the usual effect of wanting to cower and cringe. I’m still leery and slightly uncomfortable, but I don’t get the usual run-for-the-hills feeling. It’s a pleasant change. It’s unexpected, but still nice nonetheless.

“Oh, Angel, what are you doing to me? You make me feel things, things that I know you don’t want to, and are not ready to hear yet.” The sound of his voice is so light that I can barely hear him. But I do.

I try to pull my head away, suddenly feeling afraid of where he is going with his words. “Jaxon, I...”

“I know, Bailey. I know you can’t accept what I’m telling you right now. And I understand. I am aware that it’s not normal for me to even feel them when I don’t really know anything about you. But they’re there and I can’t rein the feelings in. I don’t want to. But I hope that one day you’ll welcome them and welcome me into your life. I know that it’s a scary thought and you may feel like you can never accept them, or return them. Just know that you’ve become important to me, and to others in this town, in the short time you’ve been here.”

There’s no way that I can accept his words. It’s just not feasible for me to be with another man, whether it is physical or emotional. I don’t have that part in me anymore. It was beaten and battered out of me long ago. I’m too broken and flawed. Jaxon needs someone that is whole and innocent, without scars, inside and out. Someone that can give him all of themselves. I may not know Jaxon that well, but I do know that he deserves someone special.

“I’m sorry, I just can’t....” I squeeze my eyes shut, worried that I’ll see disappointment in his.

“Hey, look at me.”

I shake my head no.

“Angel, please look at me,” he urges me.

I force my eyes open and look at him. What I see isn’t disappointment. I see a mixture of emotions swirling in his beautiful eyes. Sadness, passion, desperation, and a whole slew of other feelings. It’s the sadness that brings moisture to my eyes. I know that my eyes reflect the same emotion.

“It’s okay. I know you’ve been hurt and I accept that it’ll take time for you to let me in. I’m willing to wait.” His lips look so soft when he lets loose with a small smile.

He pulls back and drops his hands. I don’t like the feeling of loss once his hands fall from my face. I want them back on me, which confuses me because I never thought I would enjoy and want another man’s hands on me. It’s such a strange feeling. I’m tempted to reach out and snatch his hand and place it back where it was. It’s such a contradiction to have these feelings. 

“Hand me your phone,” he tells me.

I reach into my purse, which is still on my shoulder, and pull out my phone. I hand it over to him and he starts pushing buttons. A minute later his phone dings, letting him know that he has an incoming text. I take my phone from him and place it back in my purse.

“You have my number. I want you to use it if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise me that you’ll use it.”

“I promise, Jaxon.”

He holds my gaze for a few more seconds, ensuring that I’m telling the truth. He then turns to the door and opens it. Before stepping through, he turns back around.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Angel. Lock the door behind me. I’m not leaving until I hear you lock it.” His face is stern. I believe he would actually stand out there all night if he didn’t hear the click of the lock.

I nod my head yes and then tell him verbally. “I’ll lock the door as soon as I close it. I promise.” I add on before he has a chance to make me say it.

He turns back toward the doorway and walks through it grabbing the handle and pulling the door closed as he goes. Right before the door closes he stops and looks me straight in the eye and says softly, “Thank you, Angel.”

I have no idea what he’s thanking me for. Before I get a chance to ask him, he closes the door with a soft click. I immediately reach out to flip the lock and rest my head against the door. I’m surprised I feel the sadness seep into me once the door is closed. I didn’t want him to leave, but then again, it’s a relief to not feel so on edge anymore. It isn’t until a couple minutes later that I hear his heavy boots walking away.

I let out a tired breath, beyond exhausted. I debate with myself on whether I want to take the time to relax in the bath or take a quick shower before heading to bed. I decide that my best bet would be a quick shower. I’m so tired that it would be my luck that I would fall asleep in the bath and drown myself.

I’m starving, but I just can’t find the energy to go in the kitchen and make myself something to eat. I’d like to explore the apartment some more, but again, I just don’t have the strength for that right now. Instead, I make my way on tired legs to the bedroom.