Shatter Me (The Jaded Series, #1) (4 page)

Relief floods through me and I nod my head, which causes his attention to shift from my eyes to my hair, right where it falls on my face over my scar. I immediately glance down in hopes that he didn’t see it.

“Be here tomorrow at three to fill out paperwork. Mia will be here and she’ll show you around and let you know what you’ll be doing. Because you’ll be working around food and drinks, you’ll need to pull your hair back.”

My lungs seize with his last words. Oh God, I haven’t thought about that. I hate exposing my face for others to see. There could be questions that I can’t answer. There could be speculations that I’ll have no choice but to put to rest. All I want is to lay low and mind my own business. It’s bound to spread around that there’s a new woman in town with a jagged scar on her face. The more people that notice me, the bigger the chance of Steven finding me.

Jaxon interrupts my thoughts by asking, “Is that a problem?”

I look up and see him watching me carefully waiting to see my reaction to his question. Me, being the queen of hiding my feelings, making sure my emotions are not plastered on my face and reply with a simple, “No.”

“Good.” With a nod in my direction, he takes off down the bar to help his customers.

As I watch him walk away, I let my shoulders drop.
What have you gotten yourself into Bailey?
Can I really do this? Can I open myself up enough to let people see my scar? I feel my anxiety start to rise and I have to force myself not to hyperventilate. Some people may think I’m over reacting, but they really have no clue the fear I live with on a daily basis. The fear that Steven will find me.

Steven has many contacts throughout the country. I have no doubt that if I stay here long enough he will eventually find me and I can’t let happen. I know he won’t let me get away this time. Oh no, he’ll have his fun with me and then finish me off. His exact words the last time I saw him were,
“I’ll kill you before I let you go! You hear me, you stupid bitch? You’re mine!”
He said this while squeezing my throat as he raped me.

Cutting off that train of thought I force myself not to call Jaxon back and tell him I changed my mind about the job. I literally have no choice but to accept. I could wait until something else opens up but I’m sure that not many jobs become available in a town of this size. And when they do, I’m sure they get filled by the locals pretty quickly.

After glancing around one last time; trying to imagine myself working here, I grab my purse and hop off the stool. Once I reach the door, I turn around and look back. I see Jaxon casually leaning on the bar in front of the same woman. It looks like they are having an intimate conversation. He suddenly glances over the woman’s shoulder and sees me watching him. His brow puckers as we stare at each other. Even from this far away his eyes mesmerize me. They suck me in and it’s impossible to look away.

Suddenly, he gives his head a little shake and breaks our contact. He returns his gaze back to the woman in front of him. Right before I turn back towards the door, I see him lift his hand and grab a curl that has escaped the woman’s up-do hair. I don’t know why, but this bothers me. I don’t like to think of him touching another woman. Of course, I don’t want him touching me either; I have no desire for any man to ever touch me again, but I definitely don’t want him touching anyone else either.

I quickly exit the building and return to my car. Now that I’ve found a job I can finally relax and get some much needed sleep. I still have no place to stay so it looks like I’ll be sleeping in my car. I decide to pull into the library parking lot and use that as my resting spot.

Once I park my car I reach back and grab the pillow and blanket I have stashed behind my seat. After locking my door, I lean back against it with my blanket tucked around me and close my eyes. It doesn’t take me long before I drift off to sleep.

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I
simply lay there with my head to the side the entire time. There are more of them than usual and I’m grateful that this time he decided to give me the drugs. I feel weightless, like I’m not really there, but I know that I am. I know what’s happening, but I don’t care. My vision is blurring in and out and my hearing, at best, sounds as though I am stuck in a tunnel. I feel and see, virtually nothing. I wish it could be this easy every time, but no, he enjoys my pain too much. I’m surprised he was lenient on me this time, but no matter, he knows that even though I am drugged tonight I will remember everything tomorrow. Tomorrow the pain will start again. A lone tear slips from my eye.

My vision briefly clears as I’m jostled around and my eyes land on him. He’s sitting in a plush burgundy chair. He’s still fully clothed except for his zipper is undone. He has his dick out and he’s stroking it. He rarely joins during these gatherings. He always sits to the side and watches. He watches me with accusing eyes, like I’m the one that puts me in these situations. It’s like he blames me, and he always punishes me afterwards.

Right now, his eyes carry hatred and heat. He enjoys it, but hates me for it. I know from that one look that my punishment tonight will be severe. I am powerless to do something. All I can do or even want to do at the moment, because of the drugs, is lay there and stare blankly, waiting for it to be over.

When the others finally leave I’m left lying on my stomach with my arms stretched out above my head and my legs left open. Through my fuzzy vision I see him getting up and walking towards me. It’s coming, but I can’t move. I can’t stop it. I feel the bed dip as he climbs on it. He’s out of my limited vision so I can’t see what he’s doing. All of a sudden I feel him between my legs. He grabs my hair and violently yanks my head back. In my ear I hear him say, “Did you like that, my Pet? Well, we haven’t even begun.” And with that he rams himself inside me....

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I
jerk awake and immediately taste the bile that’s trying to come up. I barely get my door open in time to lose the contents of my stomach. This happens more often than not. The more vivid the dreams, the worse it is. Some nights the dreams are more vivid than others, and just when I think I might be getting over them one grips me and pulls me under again.

I know that I need professional help. I just can’t stay in one place long enough to warrant seeking it. Not to mention therapists want you to sell your souls to the devil himself to pay for their services. Steven’s taken everything else from me; I refuse to give him my soul as well.

I reach over and grab my bottle of water off the passenger seat and rinse and spit the foul taste from my mouth. After I close the door, I pick up my phone and see that it’s almost ten o’clock. I also see that I have two missed calls from Chris. I must have really been deep in my dream to have missed both of her calls. Before she decides to send out the Calvary, I call her to ease her worried mind.

“Hi.” I say when she picks up on the first ring. Even to my own ears my voice sounds scratchy and tired.

“Oh my God, Bailey, you’ve had me so worried! Where have you been?” She says, nearly shouting in my ear.

“I’m sorry. I was so exhausted last night from driving that I guess I didn’t hear the phone when you called. I had a really rough night.” That was the understatement of the year.

“Bad dreams again?” She asks. It wasn’t until about a month after I left that I told Bailey about my dreams. After an especially bad one I woke up hyperventilating, thinking Steven had caught up with me. Chris called on the verge of me passing out. She knew immediately that something was wrong. Luckily, she was able to calm me down over the phone. It was then that I confessed that I started having them right after I left Steven.

“Yes,” I sigh. “This one was really bad. I woke up sick again.”

“Oh, Bailey, I’m so sorry, honey. I wish there were something I could do.” There was such sadness in her voice that it broke my heart. She was almost as affected by the dreams as I was. She always felt so helpless because there was nothing she could do to help alleviate my pain. I love this woman so much. She was more than a friend, she was my sister. And I know she loves me just the same. I know that if there was a way for her to take the pain away from me she would. Hell, I know this woman would endure the pain
for
me. Of course, I would never ask or allow that to happen, though. This is my pain, and I have to learn how to deal with it.

In an attempt to change the subject, I tell her about my new job. “I found a job last night. I start today at three o’clock.”

“Oh wow! That was fast! What will you be doing?” She asks.

This is the tricky part. I know that she won’t approve of me working in a rough bar. Chris loves me, but I know she considers me weak when it comes to men. I can’t really blame her. All the men in my life up to this point have been abusive. Bars such as Jaxon’s pub tend to occupy men that have perpetual attitude problems and have domineering ways. In Chris’s eyes working there will be asking for trouble. Unfortunately, I don’t have a choice and Chris will just have to understand that. I know I have my work cut out for me explaining this to her.

I find it best to just blurt it out and get it over with.

“I’ll be bartending at a local bar here. The first week will be a trial run to see how well I do.”

And as expected she starts her protest.

“Bailey, are you sure you’re up for that? I mean, I know you’ve tended a bar in the past, but working in an actual bar is completely different than working in a restaurant bar. Men tend to get rambunctious and loose with their tongues and hands when they’ve had a few drinks. I just don’t see you handling it very well if some drunk decides he wants you as his plaything.”

See, I told you so
. But then again, I have to agree with her. I probably won’t handle it very well if some guy starts putting his hands on me. I can’t even keep it together after one of my dreams. I can only imagine how I will freak out if some drunk touches me. Doubts start swirling in my head. Did I make the right choice? Is me working in a bar really a smart decision? Can I force myself to keep it together if someone comes onto me? It’s bound to happen. I may not be the prettiest girl, but when men get drunk, their libidos don’t really care what a woman looks like. For many men they don’t even care if a woman is willing or not.

Even though these thoughts are running a rampage through my head the fact remains that I don’t have a choice. Not if I want to stay one step ahead of Steven. And that’s one thing I am desperate to do, even if I do have to come to terms with men looking, flirting, and touching me. As long as the touching doesn’t get out of hand. Jaxon said he tries to keep the peace and I have to trust that he’s a good businessman.

Coming back to the conversation with Chris I tell her, “I don’t really have a choice, do I? I’m almost out of money and I have no way of coming up with more. I don’t even have enough for gas to go to the next town. As it is, I’m staying in my car until I can find a place to stay. I don’t want to work there, but life is full of things we don’t want. Believe me; I know all about not wanting things but being forced into them anyway.”

“Maybe I can come up...” She starts, but I don’t let her finish.

“No!” I interrupt her. I knew she would try to offer more money, but there’s no way I can accept it. She’s done so much for me already. The guilt I feel for all the help she’s given eats at me. There is no way I can repay her for everything she has done. Although we are friends I still feel indebted to her.

“I really appreciate the offer, Chris, but you’ve given me enough already. I need to try and do this on my own. If I get to the point where I really need it, I’ll ask. I’m not at that point yet. Hopefully, I never will be.”

“Okay, Bailey. I’ll leave it for now. But please let me know if you need more money. I’ll come up with it somehow. You know I love you and would do anything for you.”

Tears sting my eyes at her words. God, what did I ever do to deserve this woman? “I know you do, and I love you too,” I whisper.

After I promise to call her tonight and we say our goodbyes, I decide to explore the town. I figure it would be best to know where everything is since I’ll be staying awhile. My first stop is a convenient store where I hope there is a public restroom so I can change and freshen up.

Grabbing some clothes and my toiletries, I stuff them into my backpack and get out of my car. I lock my door and pocket the keys. The town is so small that you can park just about anywhere and still be in walking distance to all the little businesses.

The sign out front of the convenient store says “Evelyn’s Market.” When I make it inside, I notice that it is not only a convenient store, but also a deli and mini grocery store. There are several cases that hold hot and cold deli items. I see six aisles with shelves full of canned goods, dry foods, boxed foods, and your everyday staples.

In the far back, hanging from the ceiling, is a big sign that announces a public restroom. With a sigh of relief, I head to the back of the store.

Once I enter the bathroom, I go straight to the last stall. Luckily, it is a handicap stall that’s big and has its own sink. I immediately strip my clothes off. Wetting the washcloth that I brought with me, I commence in giving myself an old fashioned “whore’s bath.” Once done, I pull on a fresh pair of panties, a bra, a pair of jeans with holes in the knees, and a “Walking Dead” t-shirt. After slapping on some deodorant and brushing my teeth, I flip my hair over the sink and wash my hair. I dry it the best I can with my hand towel. After brushing my hair, I feel almost normal again. I am as fresh as I can be without taking an actual bath.

Coming out of the restroom, I decide to wait on getting something to eat until right before I am due to be at Jaxon’s Pub. I don’t know how long the job will last so I need to conserve the money I have just in case it doesn’t work out.

On my way back to the library I see a volunteer fire station on a side street. Right across the street is the ‘Jaded Hollow Police Department’.
Okay, good to know where that is
, I think to myself. Every town I stop in I always look for the police station, just in case. On another side street I notice a tall building that says it’s an elementary, middle, and high school.