Shampoo (30 page)

(yes, he’s a volunteer fire
fighter, how fucking hot is that!!!),

and I was fucked from surfing, so
we were both a bit subdued and quiet all night.

Better get to work, will write
tonight!!

8.55pm

Heartbroken is a good word for
right now.

I just got home from Evvy’s. He
said all this stuff.

I guess I’m glad I know, but I’m
just devastated.

He started off, just outright with
it, telling me him, Mark and Josie have a bet going, that Mark and
Josie reckon I’ll stop wearing all the pink soon, and (get this!!!)
for Evvy!!!

Get. Fucking.
Real!!!

Evvy bet back that I
wouldn’t.

(at least he got something
right)

I was speechless just at that, but
he kept going…

He said they all got to talking,
and they couldn’t believe how much I love pink, and that Mark and
Josie asked him if I wasn’t ‘so pink’ would he be more serious
about me, and Evvy replied to them YES

I almost died. It’s like attacking
who I am, deep down inside. My guts dropped straight out of me at
his words.

(and guess what, Mark and Josie,
MY GUTS ARE PINK)

All I could splutter out to him
was, “WHAT???!!!”

“
That’s mainly the
reason we’re not serious. Because of the pink.” He said it like I
should just KNOW this, like matter-of-factly.

Let me tell you, that is when I
lost my PINK SHIT.

Pink steam came out of my
ears.

“
That’s such a FUCKING
COP OUT,” I started. “For FOUR MONTHS, I’ve been telling you how I
feel, and wanting us together, and you’ve never ONCE SAID that’s
the reason!! Not once!!”

Ever, the fucker, shrugged. “I had
to get it off my chest.”

I tell ya, I was both steaming mad
and ready to cry.

“
I don’t believe you,”
I managed, amidst rage and tears. “That’s WHO I AM, ASSHOLE!!! You
can’t just come out with you can’t stand all the pink!”

I was livid. He saw I was livid
and tried to change tacts.

“
I can live with it,”
he said, trying to calm me down.

I was too far gone by then. The
Pink Train had gone CHOO CHOO, and had left the pink platform for
Pink Crazy Town.

“
I don’t WANT YOU TO
LIVE WITH IT, to PUT UP with it! Pink is ME. You should accept that
as part of me – ”

“
I do, I do –
”

“
No you FUCKING DON’T!
You’ve got a bet going, I’m just SOME BET – ”

“
No, no you’re not!
Look, I’m sorry, I never should have said – ”

I just kept repeating from that
point on, “I can’t believe that’s the reason we’re not
together.”

I think I was in some kind of
shock.

I went to leave, and he kept
saying he was sorry, but I wasn’t accepting any apologies. I was
devastated.

I feel fucking
crushed!!

I kept saying to him, how did you
expect me to react???

I can’t remember what else was
said. I’m in a fog of shock!

But he did look sorry, almost sick
over how much he’d hurt me, but still. It’s not enough.

Will anything ever be enough after
that??

He said he was sorry, a lot, and
that he will learn to live with it, and I was all, “I don’t want
you to learn to live with it!! I want you to realise it’s who I am,
that without pink I wouldn’t be me! I’ve been like this since I was
BORN!!”

I was hysterical.

I jumped to the next rational
conclusion –

(amazed I could even BE rational,
in any way)

Ever doesn’t want to be with me,
that this is just some bullshit excuse, an easy way to blame me
then happily walk away, then he was grabbing me after I said all
that, in torment, practically screeching at me that he does, he
wants to fucking be with me!!

That just made me hurt more, want
to cry more.

THEN, he said he does AND DOESN’T
want to be with me.

And that last remaining shred of
my heart cracked, and I told him, as he gripped me to him, “I don’t
want to be with a guy who only HALF wants to fucking be with me.
Who doesn’t accept me for me!”

He went right back to his normal
fallback argument. “You’ve known FROM THE BEGINNING – ”

“
Oh, FUCK THE FUCKING
BEGINNING!!!” I screeched.

“ –
that I didn’t want
to be with you!!”

“
I can’t BELIEVE YOU.
The guy I’m sleeping with, that you could SAY ALL
THIS!!!”

The look he gave me then. Defiant,
pissed off WITH ME, like I’ve done something!!!, worried, too, for
me, hurt…ugh. It does my head in.

I don’t want this fucking drama
constantly. I just wanna be madly in love and content.

And RELAXED.

“
You don’t realise how
fucking lucky you are, Everard!! That all the other guys LOVE this
about me! That I’m PINK. And YOU, the one I’m actually sleeping
with, should be the one that feels that way!!”

And I stormed out.

Evvy came after me, but said
nothing. Just followed me out, all the way to my car, IN HIS
PRECIOUS SOCKS, like some kind of sick joke, since how many fights
have we had over him NOT following me out?? Now here he is doing
it, like some kind of fucked up moral support after all he said to
me!! Like following me out to my car is gonna make up for all he
said.

Ever just watched me go from the
curb.

I purposely did THE BIGGEST
BURNOUT and roar off EVER, tyres squealing and burning, just to
piss him off, and cause it just felt so good to burn off like
that.

(take that, Everard!! Watch me
burn eighty dollars of my own money and fuel, how do you like
that???)

I made damn sure I did not let
those tears fall in front of him. I wasn’t going to give him the
satisfaction.

Soon as I was out of sight, the
tears flowed. I took great, big, sobbing gulps of air and
saltiness.

I came home and went straight for
the phone in the hallway and rang Dad. Didn’t tell him anything. I
just knew the sound of his voice would cheer me up.

He’s like my comfort.

(when he’s loving me)

I listened to him talk about his
beloved boat, work, and that, for some reason

(maybe the silent tears streaming
down my face),

made me think of how Dad always
carries a hanky on him.

(the fact he has always called
them ‘hankies’ too, and not hankerchiefs, is endearing and
comforting to me too)

When he’s at work, he has one in
his trouser pocket. On weekends, one in his faded, blue dad
jeans.

He has such hairy knuckles, my
father, and for some odd reason, thinking of them now as I listened
to him talk, made my heart hurt. Like I was losing my father too,
the older I get…

Or would, one day. The thought was
crushing.

His hairy knuckles are ALWAYS
bleeding, too, like EVERY DAY, EVERY TIME I see him, he’s always
pulling his hanky out, and pressing it to his bleeding
hands.

I can’t quite figure out if he’s
just rather clumsy and accident prone

(like father, like
daughter)

or if he just works with his hands
a lot.

(he is always making and fixing
lights and electrical components, or working on his
boat)

I love those hairy knuckles of
Dad’s…he’s a gentle man. A happy man. He’s my comfort.

Then Dad put his girlfriend
on.

Not so much of a comfort. More
like a full-frontal slap of judgement in my face.

I hung up, trudged to my room,
Cleo bouncing at my feet, wondering where Nat and Dan were
–

And where have all the hankies
gone?? Nobody uses them anymore!!

Except Dad.

Tuesday 10 October
2000

7.35am

Still so upset. Fucking
bastard.

8.40pm

WELL – Evvy rings me
at work, about 4.30pm. I was surprised, I really thought that was
it this time, I’d never hear from him again. And he asked me to
come over so we could talk.

Another mega surprise.

I replied, “I don’t know…is it
good or bad?? I can’t take anymore bad.”

And he said, “Good.”

I said,
“Alright.”

(glutton for fucking punishment, I
am)

I could tell I sounded upset
still, and that HE KNEW I was upset still, and was therefore
treading lightly around the damaged person.

So I drove over there, straight
from work, wondering what the fuck I was doing, driving straight
back there a day after all the shit that went down.

I walked into his room,
reluctantly, and dumped my bag down in a sarcastic, “Here we go
again and I hate this” mode.

(not sure how I managed to convey
all that with a bag drop and a look, but I did, and Ever caught it
and grinned at my dramatics. He fucking LOVES my dramatics, I
swear)

He was all he’s sorry for saying
all that, that it all came out wrong. That he’s had a chance to
think about things, and he wants us together.

For awhile, as he kept talking, I
thought he meant he wants us to be together as it has always been,
but the more he spoke, the more it sunk in he meant
PROPERLY.

I almost died. That was the LAST
THING I was expecting.

“
Wait, wait…WHAT??” was
me.

“
I’ve been thinking of
it for awhile now. I WANT to be with you,” he said.

“
WHAT?? What are you
saying??” Me so confused by this point.

“
What else can I say??
I know I’ll lose you if it stays as it has been. I want us
together.”

I stepped out of his grasp. “Hang
on a minute here. I want you to say it on your own, not because
you’re afraid of losing me!!”

“
I’ve been thinking of
it for awhile, since Stardust actually – ”

(aha!! I knew it!! I knew he had
changed after that night!! The magical powers of a Gold Coast
dive…working its magic since 1960 and prostitutes took men to The
Pink Poodle Motel and brothel. I’m like a pink
prostitute)

“ –
why do you think
I’ve been trying so hard lately?”

(not sure he’s tried THAT HARD,
but whatever. Whatever helps him sleep at night)

We kept talking, me hedging, me
not believing him AT ALL.

“
I’ll just have to show
you,” Ever said.

“
But what do you think
a relationship INVOLVES, Evvy?”

“
I realise now that you
don’t ask for much, you’re happy with surprisingly little –
”

(???? Not sure how to take this.
For now, I choose to take it as a compliment, and not something
fatally worrying about myself)

“ –
us being together
wouldn’t be much different to how it is now, except that I need to
be more loving in public, amongst others – ”

He kept telling me he does want us
together, over and over again. I didn’t know what to do or say. I
couldn’t even sit on the bed. I just kept pacing around and jumping
out of his reach every time he came near me.

I’d love nothing more than to
relax with him, and settle down. Just RELAX.

When we’re together, just
us

(when he’s being
loving),

I’m normally so content with him.
It’s away from him that’s stressful, all the worry about him, when
am I going to see him again, does he care, all the running around
with other guys.

It’s very stressful!!

I’d love to just stop, relax, be
with him, and be secure with him.

That’s the thing though – it’s
never secure with him.

So we decided, or I decided, “You
need to think about this some more, if it’s what you really want –
”

“
It is, woman –
”

“ –
and I need to think
about it, too,”

“
Okay,
then.”

I stared into his eyes, searching
for a sign this was real, this was gonna work, I wasn’t going to be
hurt anymore…

Unfortunately, I couldn’t see the
future in his eyes.

“
Call me, okay?” I
finally said.

“
Every damn
day.”

And he grabbed me, pulled me to
him, and kissed me. It was beautiful. I needed more of it, to salve
the pain he’d caused, but at the same time, I needed distance from
the guy who can hurt me so damn easily.