Shampoo (14 page)

I had so many more worries and debts back then,
too, far more than I have now. I’ve gotten through so much worse,
AND, it’s over. I’m free.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from
my shoulders.

I’ve also forgotten, WAY TOO EASILY, how awful
love is. Or is for me, anyway.

Love should be magical, beautiful,
unforgettable. It should be SPECTACULAR.

3.12pm

“
A boy could totally set me back.
Again.”

Why do I never listen to myself?? I am so wise
under all this self-destructiveness and pink.

On the other hand, I really like Evvy. I should
just see him with no relationship, just enjoy him. We have so much
fun together, or we did.

I feel a bit stupid and unevolved demanding to
be a couple or it’s off. When did I become one of THOSE
chicks??

I’m CLEARLY not ready for a
relationship.

8.39pm

I feel so unbelievably happy. Just free of
something heavy!!

I did the brave

(brave ALWAYS means stupid)

thing and stopped in at Everard’s on my way
home from Forest Lake.

I just died when I saw him. He looked so
gorgeous.

His sister let me in, and her and her mum
looked so surprised and happy to see me. Then I knocked on Evvy’s
door and let myself in without pausing, and his face like totally
lit up when he saw me. Was magical.

He was all, “Hey woman!! What are you doing
here??”

I was all, “Oh, I was at the lake, thought I’d
stop in on my way home.”

Then he was all curious as to what I was up to,
like I was up to something suspicious.

(any one that writes in her diary so much is a
suspicious character I say)

THEN he took me outside to his car, and he’d
crashed it!!! Oh his poor beautiful car.

“
Now who’s the better driver,” I
laughed.

Ever laughed too. He was spewing about his car,
telling me all about what happened, then his mum came out with us
and she told me about it, too, and I just felt all warm and fuzzy,
cause they were both making me feel really loved and welcome and
wanted.

So then we headed back to his room, and he sat
on his bed, silenced his precious Foxtel sports and asked me, “Did
you hear about Saturday night?”

Unsure what part he meant

(other than crushing me with his ‘I don’t care’
responses),

I was all, “No, what happened?”

“
I made your sister cry.” He
actually seemed really sad about it.

“
What!!” This was news to me. “Nat
said she gave you a revving but that was it.”

“
Noooo-ho-ho,” he replied. “We had a
TALK, and she started crying.”

I looked and felt puzzled. “But why? Over
what?”

Evvy sighed.

(this must be hard for him – admitting
fault)

“
Over you being so sick and alone,
and my…my treatment of you.”

(oh, don’t you dare go grow a heart now,
Everard!!)

Then he changed the subject.

“
It’s not three weeks yet,” he
started.

“
Noooo-ho-ho,” I replied.

Ever grinned. “Smart ass.” Pause. “You ring me
Tuesday night, you come over now…” He trailed off.

I laughed. “One of us has to make the
effort.”

He laughed too.

(God I love when he’s nice)

Then, “I looked for you and Dan all
night.”

My heart just about swelled and exploded. “You
did?”

He nodded. “All. Night.”

“
Well, we were there. We never left
Mary St…”

“
Whereabouts were you?”

“
On the stage downstairs mainly…” I
thought about that freak pashing me.

“
ON THE STAGE?? You must have been
drunk!”

“
You missed this freak kissing me,
and I pushed him so hard he went flying across the floor and landed
on his ass hahaha!”

Ever laughed too. “You have this funny shit you
do, woman.” He looked sad then, like he’d missed out on something
and he didn’t like it.

“
Sooo,” I eventually said into the
silence.

“
So,” he replied, watching me
carefully.

But it was a good watch. It made me shiver, his
eyes on me like that. “It stands the same with me,” he finally
said, crushing me. “I can’t do it.”

“
I know,” I replied, determined to
be big and zen and damn near pink monk like. “I shouldn’t have
pressured you. I should’ve known you couldn’t do it.”

Evvy looked like he was about to fall over and
die, he was so surprised at my response. What was he expecting?
Tantrums?? Yells?? My sister??

“
It’s up to you what we do,” he
managed to splutter out.

(ooh, I’ve discovered I like making him
offguard)

“
But I can’t do a proper
relationship – ”

“
Okay.”

“
So you should find another guy –
”

“
I don’t want anyone else –
”

“
You say that now, but –
”

“
I don’t want anyone else. Let’s
just chill, and see each other. Whenever.”

(whatever hippie crack I’m smoking, it’s time
to pull it out my back pocket and smoke it, I’m being so
ridiculously zen)

Ever seriously looked like I’d made him melt at
my words. “This is your chance to find another guy…”

(he SO didn’t sound like he wanted me to find
another guy though)

“
I don’t WANT to find another guy.
Let’s just chill, okay?” I came and sat next to him. “If all I
wanted was a relationship, I would’ve gone out and got it. There’s
plenty of guys I could have a relationship with – ”

(?? I’m totally bullshitting here. What guys??
The ones in my head??)

“ –
if that’s all I
wanted.”

“
Oh, TRUST ME, I KNOW.” He sounded
and looked all pissed off then. What does he know?? Is he jealous
of guys around me?? What guys?? I made it up!!

“
But I want you.”

He looked so happy. We stared at each other,
but he didn’t reach for me, and no way IN HELL I was reaching for
him!

“
So we go back to the way it was?”
he finally asked, and he sounded so worried, like he was terrified
I would say no way, josé.

(I should’ve said that. WHAT THE FUCK AM I
DOING)

“
You can’t do a relationship, I’m
ashamed of myself for pressuring you, so we will do…some version of
what we had.”

(gulp)

My poor little heart.

“
Well.”

“
A hole in the ground.”

“
Haha. Hahaha.” Then, “I don’t wanna
talk about this anymore,” said His Highness.

I saluted him. “I’m outta here, Captain –
”

“
I’m having a shower,” he stated
rudely.

“
I’m outta here!” I headed to the
door.

“
What are you up to tonight?” He
sounded concerned.

“
Just the gym.” I withheld adding
‘with Dan and Josh.’ No need to be petty and try to make him
jealous.

(of what, I don’t know)

“
Oh.” He looked, dare I say it,
HEARTBROKEN. Does the Tin Man (Tom Man) have a heart??

I gave him a carefree smile, like everything
was A-OK on Planet Pink, and turned to leave.

“
It bothered me,” he repeated, the
look on his face TO DIE FOR. “Not seeing you.”

I melted. I broke out into a grin.

(I WON!!!)

My heart soared.

“
Slightly,” he added. “Just
slightly.”

I shrugged. “That’s good enough for me,
Everard,” and I turned and exited his room in a hurry.”

“
I’ll call you woman!!” he called
after me, as I waved goodbye to his mum and sister in the
lounge.

“
Okay!!” I called back.

I’ve never been so happy in my life.

10.01pm

When I got home after seeing Evvy, I rang Nat,
and told her everything, and when I got to the part about Evvy
crashing his car, she was all: “AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That stupid
asshole!! Serves him FUCKING RIGHT!! Him and his precious
COMMODORE. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!”

Isn’t she mean?? Funny, but mean.

She thinks I’m setting myself up for more hurt,
that why would I even want the ‘bratty fucker’??

Sigh. I don’t know. I just do.

Then I went to the gym with the boys, only for
an hour this time. I left at 7.30pm, left the boys pretending to do
weights, and drove home all happy!!! I love driving home from the
gym (at the uni on Kessels Road) at night – the roads are all
empty, and I burst my eardrums by cranking the music loud, and
absolutely floor it all the way home.

Is the best fun ever. I think it might actually
be my reason for living. Love hooning around at night on empty
streets with the stereo blasting. God, IT IS THE MOST FUN
EVER!!!!

(I don’t really need an excuse to feel natural
highs and hoon around)

I don’t know WHAT comes over me, but I just
drive like a total loon. Tonight I was worse than ever, cause I was
on such a mega-high over Evvy, and weights off my shoulders, and
blah blah blah.

(clearly I have total disregard for my own
life, the way I drive when I’m alone especially on
roads)

Should I be this happy?? I have this impending
feeling of doom underneath this insane delirium.

Renee rang today to see how I am, and I had to
try not to cough for the entire conversation, cause if I’d coughed
even once, she would have been all ‘That’s it!! You’re having
another three months off!!’

Was very hard to do with whooping cough. I got
off the phone and had THE biggest coughing fit.

I am SO EXCITED about being back at work, AND
it’s in the brand new swanky building!! Everybody is so excited
about it, and calling me from work to tell me all about it – Joy,
Nat, Sherrie, Melissa, Julia. Can’t wait to see it!! No more of
that cramped office where we’re all on top of each other or that
tiny joke of a lunch room for 60 employees (lunch corner more
like).

I am so excited!!!

Gizzy just chomped right down on my
toe.

(someone’s gotta)

Stupid cat.

Saturday 12 August 2000

5.52pm

Evvy hasn’t rung. I know because I star ten
hashed.

Sigh.

BUT…Beth and I got Blink 182 tickets
today!!!!

EEK EEK EEK!!!

Her sister, Beth and I were dancing around
their lounge room to Blink this morning!! It was so funny. We were
dancing and bopping and laughing madly.

Ahhhh…good times!

Then I went to Carindale. Now I’m resting
before Beth and I go into the city.

Yes, the freed pink puppy gets to act all crazy
again tonight!!

1.01am

Well, I’m home. I had a great time, but Beth
wanted to leave. Plus I drove in, so I’m not drunk…didn’t even have
one drink!!

There really is a first for
everything!!

It was so funny – Nat’s friend Rebecca was in
at Mary St again! I’d just seen her and danced with her Tuesday
night! Beth and I danced with them for awhile.

Then we went to Adrenalin and watched the
game.

It was great there! The game was fantastic. Go
the Roosters! And my honey, Craig Wing…I could watch him all
day!!

(do you think he’s short?? Like in real
life??)

I had a great time tonight, but FUCK. All I
wanted was Evvy there.

At least Tuesday night I was so maggotted I
didn’t care. Tonight I was too aware of everything.

And I just longed for affection, a man to hug
and kiss me. I just felt flat and lonely and sad all
night.

This is why I drink. I’m so much happier and
fun then.

Sunday 13 August 2000

7.10pm

What a perfect day!!!

Beth and I went down the coast, and it was
HEAVEN.

I made sure I appreciated the sun and the beach
and everything. Been stuck indoors for so long. I soaked it all
in.

I love the Gold Coast so much. I feel it. It’s
my home.

We had a picnic on the beach, with Beth having
made up bread rolls filled with cheese, ham, lettuce, mayo, and a
cold pasta salad on the side, and Coke. Was yummy!! I love when
people feed me. I’m like an orphaned, abandoned child. With no
ability to feed myself.