Shampoo (12 page)

Then I had to drive to the laundromat and dry
it all.

Now I’m just stuffed and fallen into
bed.

Haven’t heard any news from my
sources (so Dan) about Evvy…I know it’s Tom’s
21
^st
next Saturday.

I won’t be invited!!

And that hurts.

So I’ve GOT to have plans for next Saturday
night, because one of the Scooby Gang will ask what I’m up to, and
I’ve gotta at least LOOK like I have a life.

8.25pm

‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ is on. Makes me
think of Rich.

Monday 31 July 2000

6.29pm

I can barely move at the moment. Work was HARD,
cause I was so sick. Struggled through the day.

Julia said at one point today that Evvy should
be looking after me.

Ha! What a joke. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Except I looked crushed instead, then cried on
Julia’s shoulder.

Then Renee stood up, peering over the cubicles,
and called out, “Pinky, are you bringing a partner to the opening
night?”

(of our new building we’re about to move in
to),

and my head whipped up from Julia’s shoulder,
and I cried, “YES!! Yes I am!!”, to Nat raising her eyebrows at me,
wondering what partner I was bringing, and where I was pulling him
out of.

Why why WHY am I so stupid?? Why did I say I’m
bringing a partner?? I DON’T HAVE A BLOODY PARTNER!!

Cause I want one SO BAD IT HURTS.

And his stupid (my stupid) final decision crap
falls THE NIGHT BEFORE opening night. So I will most likely be
dateless anyway!

I kinda like being single at work events, so I
can flirt with EVERYBODY

(namely, Benny),

but Renee needed exact numbers and WHO AM I
GONNA PULL OUT OF MY ASS TO TAKE??!!!

Hyperventilating now.

I so wanted Sherrie and Julia to meet him. Yes,
I’ve gabbed about Evvy like he’s some prince.

Prince of Darkness.

6.02pm

I woke up in a pool of sweat and Nat ringing.
Mark’s in hospital, and I just got really sad for him. He’s a total
doll, so sweet.

Then I got really sad for myself, which is so
rotten of me, cause Josie is staying the night in hospital with
him, and I just burst into tears at Nat telling me, BECAUSE NO ONE
WOULD DO THAT FOR ME.

(I’ve had multiple surgeries, and no one has
stayed with me)

That’s just crushing, to realize that. While I
die alone of whopping cough.

Nat and Dan are going to see him, and I feel
left out. I love all those guys, even stupid Tom, and I want to be
a part of their group.

But I’m groupless. I have no group. I stand
alone…

Or die alone, would be more
accurate.

I don’t know why I can’t find love. Everybody
else can.

I’m like love retarded.

Tuesday 1 August 2000

8.06am

Not going into work. Renee is strangely happy
I’m not going in. I rang Nat to tell her I’m staying home and burst
into another sobbing fit. I think it’s just a total lack of sleep
from this cough, and being alone constantly, no work, no one to
cheer me up.

And all this crap with Everard.

No money coming in next week, if I don’t work
this week.

And no one to look after me.

That’s the real tearjerker. I deserve someone
(Evvy) over here, fussing over me, cooking me dinner, cuddling me
(while I sweat and wheeze). But nooooo.

(one older brother had to go and screw it
up)

Maybe it’s all me. Maybe I picked wrong. I
should’ve let Nick woo me, I should have been with…

I was about to say Matt Johnson.

Sigh.

I always pick the wrong guys!!!

I have so much love to give, and no one to give
it to.

Maybe I need to get a puppy.

9.41pm

Can’t sleep. Richie just rang!! He made me feel
better. He said he’s been ringing constantly the last two nights.
With me in and out of consciousness, I haven’t picked up the phone
much.

I get this niggly feeling every time I speak to
Rich. Like he truly cares, that he really loves me.

But I long for Evvy.

So Rich made me laugh and laugh (till I
choked). We’re both so excited about all the things we’re going to
do. He told me I must be better for when he’s back! Winter will be
over by then, and we can play in the sun all weekend.

I can’t wait!!!

I need to play so badly.

My loneliness will be over soon, because Richie
will be back, we’ll have each other. I have so much to look forward
to.

Rich did wonders (as usual) for cheering me
up.

I’m going to get him a friendship ring, I’ve
decided. I told Julia, and she said there’s an Irish jewelry place
in the city that sells friendship rings, and you can get matching
ones, so I could get one too!!!

6.12pm

Renee rang and wants me to take a month
off!!!!

Surely I will die of boredom and
loneliness.

And most likely, poverty.

I have no sick days up to take a month off
work. But then Nat rang from work and said I’ve got three weeks
holiday pay. So I’ll go see Sue tomorrow, see what her professional
medical opinion is!

Damn cough. Damn body. Damn life.

Beth rang before. Feels like forever since
we’ve spoken! I left a message on her mobile Saturday night to tell
her I’m still alive (barely), but apart from that…yeah, she’s
possessive, but she loves me! She said she’s bringing me dinner and
the Cosmo tomorrow night!! I can’t wait!!

Going to go make soup.

(so pour soup from a can and heat in
microwave)

Wednesday 2 August 2000

2.22pm

Saw my doc again, and she’s given me even more
medication to try to kill this

(if that’s even possible!!),

and we worked out I’m taking till
the
14th August off. And that is
it!!

Sigh.

I better recover in that time, cause I can’t
take much more of this!!

5.22pm

Nat just visited me. She had the Cleo photo
shoot today!!! From the photo I sneakily sent in of her from my
photography course photo I took. Anyway, she won the modeling
competition!! Thanks to me!!!

(and her insane good looks, I
suppose)

She looked so good in all the stills she showed
me. I’m so proud of her!!!

Nat was talking about Tom’s upcoming party
while she was here, and I felt so crushed I’m not invited. All of
them mean so much to me already. I SO wanted them as my
friends.

I wanted them to want ME.

I wanted Evvy. I hate not speaking to him or
seeing him.

So bored. Want to be out partying. Nat said
she’s going to get blotto at Tom’s party, and I SO WANTED to get
blotto with her! It’s so fun getting drunk with my
sister!!

But once again, I’m not invited to the cool
stuff.

Men suck.

Worse, Tom probably DID invite me, but Ever
would’ve said he doesn’t want me there.

You know what??? Fuck Ever. And his stupid
fucking ways.

12.50am

This is AWFUL. Feel like I’m actually dying.
Not just moaning I’m dying, but ACTUALLY dying…think I see the
light. I’m heading towards it…

No, I just left the tv on.

Thursday 3 August 2000

6.32pm

Been a week since Evvy rang. I seem to get
sicker, and sadder, each day.

Nat just visited me. I’m pretty lonely at the
moment.

Was too sick last night to write that Beth came
over, and brought me fried rice

(that was DELICIOUS. Best thing I’ve ever eaten
in my life…perhaps cause I just lay about, starving, hoping that
imaginary partner will feed me)

and a whole STACK of brand new
magazines.

(God I love her so much!!! Been too sick, and
broke, to even buy my beloved weekly magazines)

Beth and I talked about Evvy (and her eternal
hate for him), and she’s like, “Obviously he doesn’t want a
relationship with you!!”

(God she’s brutal. Lucky she brought me all the
expensive monthly mags like Cosmo, Cleo, Women’s
Weekly…)

After her comments, I know to just stop talking
about Ever.

But then I realized I have absolutely nothing
else to talk about.

I’m starting to lose hope with Ever…I feel like
maybe Beth is right, that I really should move on.

I’ve got nowhere to move on to, though. Except
the other side of my bed.

Friday 4 August 2000

8.15pm

Still sick. This is just not fun
anymore!!!!

I want to be well SO BADLY.

The Ekka was just on tv, and I burst into tears
at the sight of it. I look forward to the Ekka ALL YEAR LONG, and
now I won’t be able to go. This will be the first time in 10 years
I haven’t gone.

I even went with glandular fever
once.

(and did what all of Brisbane does at Ekka – go
really, really sick and spread germs to a million people and bring
down the whole city)

I wonder what Ever’s up to…

11.16pm

WHY WON’T HE RING???

Saturday 5 August 2000

6.18pm

My cough’s settled a bit. THANK THE LORD. I
still feel like shit though.

Nat visited me this morning, then drove me back
to Dad’s so I could do some washing. Dad was there, plodding
around. He said, “How’s my Sicky?” and gave me a big
hug.

I love my daddy.

(when he’s talking to me)

Then I’ve come home and collapsed, Nat driving
off to get ready for Tom’s party that I’m NOT going to.

Sunday 6 August 2000

11.49am

I am going to cry. Nat said Evvy said nothing
last night, except “I don’t care!” to everything she said to him
about me.

Apparently she gave him such a
revving.

(I can only imagine!! Nat can be pretty scary
when she wants to)

But that’s all he kept saying in
response.

How could he SAY THAT. If it’s true, I’ll
die.

How could I have been so wrong, FUCKING AGAIN,
about a guy!!!

I thought he cared, I truly thought he did. But
his reaction…

Nat said Tom made a HUGE fuss over the card I
got him

(sent along with Nat and Dan),

that he made a big deal out of telling
everyone, repeatedly, that the card he was about to open was from
me, and that I should’ve seen the look on Evvy’s face!!!

(oh I die. I die laughing)

Then Tom wore his Batman badge (that came with
the card) all night.

Priceless.

Did I mention I love Tom???

8.55pm

Went to Dad’s for dinner. Was good, just me,
Dad, Nat and Dan.

Nat and Dan and I have decided to all move out
together!! I am so excited. I’m getting sick of living on my own.
I’m so lonely.

The three of us will have so much
fun!!!

I’m curled up in bed (in the foetal position),
watching ‘Excess Baggage.’

Alicia Silverstone is the bomb. All her movies
rock!!!

Monday 7 August 2000

8.25pm

Watching ‘Spin City’ at the moment. I’m feeling
heaps better today. So much better I am bored out of my
brain!!

Now I’m stuck with the rest of the week off!!
I’ll go crazy!!

I spoke to Sue again, and she said the flu
showed up in my blood test results, as well as whopping cough. No
wonder I’ve felt so shit. She thinks in another week I’ll be brand
new again.

OH PLEASE UNIVERSE!!! Make me better!! I’ve
been sick for so long.

Can’t take much more.

Tuesday 8 August 2000