ShameLess (12 page)

The game continues as Jacks are played and a few of the girls get silly trying to come up with new ways of, ‘never have I ever’. Outbursts, noise, and amusement continues, with a lot of chugging and back-and-forth teasing late into the night.

At some point, I am starting to relax some as the alcohol begins affecting me, but no matter what, I still can’t erase Ren from my thoughts. Crazy! Court keeps trying to instigate, making her subtle and not so subtle moves on me which I’d just rather not have to block-punt. All of it gets to be too much, and I finally make the decision to head upstairs to crash.

Lying in bed, with my door locked in case Courtney has any plans of following me, I let the silence sink in. I replay the day over in my mind. Ren abruptly floods my thoughts, stronger than earlier.
Who is this girl?

Seeing her in another guy’s arms still fucking pisses me off. I can’t shake that image, either. It continuously replays as if on a movie theater projector that hasn’t been turned off. It spins, and spins, slapping against my brain.
His arms. Fuck!
The impression brands me, leaving me unsettled, agitated. I realize I’ve been imprinted by this one girl. This is when it hits me. I even speak it aloud, “I’m done. Tomorrow, she will be mine!”

The conditions may have been against us tonight, but I did see interest in her eyes. No matter what, I will wake up tomorrow, make the second call to the man I now call, ‘devil’, which I put off making tonight. Then, after that, I’ll start over. I don’t want anyone else. I will have
this
girl! And, I plan on having her, even if I have to unwrap her slowly.

S’renaty

I awaken in the morning feeling like total shit. My face hurts the most and reminds me precisely
why
it hurts so badly. A flash image rushes through my head, burrowing its reminder, and plowing the pain a little further.
Shit!

Oh, shit! Tucker!!

My body lurches out of bed, trying to force itself past the pain. For a brief second, my body doesn’t want to respond, or cooperate. The center of my back aches, and my head throbs. I find him asleep in Jade’s bed. His back is to me, so I steal a few quiet minutes to look him over.

Tucker is in my room! He saved me.

I make my way into the bathroom and send up praise for the luxury of having a private bath right now. The thought of having to walk out of the room looking like this, and having people comment about it, is just something I would prefer to avoid. After taking the time to pee, I study my face in the mirror.
Dammit!

I knew as it was happening that my head was bouncing off solid blacktop, but I guess the fear or adrenaline took over because I didn’t fully realize just how hard I was hitting. Right now, there are spots on my face that look as if I was someone’s punching bag, especially above the right eyebrow. Dried blood remains in my brown hair. I run a washcloth under warm water, wring it out, and gently hold it over my eyebrow trying to loosen it.

Once I step back into the room, Tucker is sitting up on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He is leaning over his bent knees.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, Tuck,” I offer, not finding suitable words. It has been so long, and so much has happened. It’s a little more than awkward. Funny thing about life is it tends to come full circle. It is circling back on me now. I think Tuck realizes it, too because he is stalling.

I sense his hesitation, and as soon as I’m about to say something else to interrupt the silence between us, he spits out, “I’m sorry, Ren. God, I am so sorry for…for every single thing. I hate that all I tried to do was follow you back here to talk after seeing you run out of the party, but when I get here, I find you being attacked. I hate that some asshole was holding you down, beating you. I wish I hadn’t found you like that. I am also so incredibly sorry that he did this to you, and your gorgeous face looks the way it does.”

His body stiffens as he brings his right hand over the top of his thigh, running it slowly yet roughly against the denim of his jeans. He is nervous, obviously, but manages to go on, “I am so sorry for, well, everything I ever did to you. I may not have caused you physical bruises, but I know my part in the past with the emotional scars from the harassment left bruises on your heart. For that, I’m so sorry!”

For some reason, I instantly feel myself letting go of the resentment. This makes me warm up to him, a little. We have been through so much together. Despite it all, here he is, and now I’m forced to come face to face with a monumental part of my past.
Ugh!
Honestly, though, I am not expecting to hear these words, at all. They leave me momentarily paralyzed. Seconds halt as this difficult but extremely necessary moment tries to claim us both.

He breaks the silence first. “You look like shit. You seriously need to reconsider letting me take you to be looked over and to see whether you need stitches above your eye. I don’t know if that butterfly bandage I put on last night is going to do the trick.”

“No. I already told you, I don’t want medical attention. I’m ok, or I will be. My head hurts more than my back and the cuts and shit will heal. Really. I’m fine. Besides, I already told you I’m not telling my mom. She is so protective after everything. My dad isn’t any better. So…NO! Just stop. Please just stop trying to force me. If I’m not feeling better in a few days, I’ll reconsider. For now, I can’t go, Tuck. So let it go. I don’t want to think about it, talk about it, remember it, or have to deal with it… OKAY?” My voice is firmer than it probably should be, or needs to be, but the clear memory last night is just too painful to deal with right now. I hear my dad’s voice echoing through my head. I quickly dismiss it, wanting to silence it.

Everything inside of me wants to curl up into a ball, losing myself in the void of an emotional oblivion. I know I can’t realistically do this. I’ve survived losing Elle. I made it through being harassed by people I thought were my ‘friends’, and right now, I just don’t want to keep reliving last night. I just NEED to forget. I’m alive. That’s what matters.
Elle is not!
It keeps reverberating in my head, repeatedly.
Elle is not!

I have been taught all of my life about safety, have heard my dad tell me numerous times about ‘watching my back’, and he instilled in me the ‘how’s’ of being aware of my surroundings. I screwed up. I wasn’t attentive. Period. I was thinking about Tucker and Stefan, and was distracted by the hair on the back of my neck standing at attention, which should have been my first red flag! Like the night I lost Elle and my fear was alerting me, I didn’t listen. I guess two years hasn’t taught me enough lessons, or they just haven’t sunken in, so I’ll be damned if I’ll willingly go through another incident where my dad points out my faults, again.
Dammit!

Tucker snaps his fingers, pulling me out of my zone, “Hello? Okay, I don’t like it, but I have to respect that. If a couple of days pass, and you aren’t feeling better, call me and I will come over and take you to get looked at.”

I nod, agreeing, not able to vocalize much else. He clears his throat, rubs his hands together nervously, then lets the words fly, “I am sorry, Ren. You have no idea…”

Briefly, he hesitates while reflecting, but continues, “I mean, well…I just wanted you to know. I heard you left town, but I honestly didn’t know you were here. When I thought I saw you at the party tonight, I thought my mind was playing tricks, but then I realized it actually was you. I knew I had to talk to you, but you left before I could get over to where you were. I noticed you were upset, so I followed you. I didn’t know…”

Between breaths, he lulls, “I didn’t know if you saw me, and that’s why maybe you took off.”

I am still facing him as I slide back down onto my bed; sinking into the little comfort it offers. I stutter, fighting to reply, “I…, and I…, God! I don’t even know what to say to that. I seriously want to slap you as hard as I can across your face while telling you to get the fuck out of my room and that I never want to see you again. You put me through hell, Tucker! You, especially you, should have been the one there for me when I lost Elle. You weren’t. You just up and left me, believing all that shit about me. How could you? I also want to tell you it means more to me than you’ll ever know just to hear you say that to me, but it’s a little too late. But, damn, there’s another part of me that wants to hug you so tight right now for being there for me last night and for saving my life.”

He rises and makes his way over to me. He drops to his knees, taking my hands in his. “Listen, I get it. Ren, I deserve it. I do. If it makes you feel better, slap me as hard as you possibly can. I fucked up. I know I did, and I should have been there for you. Maybe you and I running into each other was meant to be. I’d like to think so. Let’s start over. Just give me another chance. I swear, I’ll never hurt you again. I’ve missed you so much, Renny! God! You’re still so fucking beautiful.”

Clearly, he sees I’m not responding, and it’s obvious I’m fighting back emotions. “You don’t have to answer me now. I transferred here because I was kicked out of UNC. That’s another story for another time. I fucked up there, too. Anyway, just think about it, okay? I won’t pressure you, but think about just hanging out and seeing where it leads, will you?”

He blows me away. I didn’t think I would see him again, ever; let alone, hear all of this coming from him. I start shaking as the unsettled nerves make their presence known in the pit of my gut. Tucker leans in closer and kisses the cut above my brow before he moves to the one above my cheekbone, leaving a butterfly kiss there. That used to be our thing, only we would share them on each other’s noses. This opens a vault I thought I sealed all of my feelings for him in; along with the past we once shared. It releases years of hidden pain.

I fight hard to resist the tears forming. Between hearing all of this from a guy who hurt me so deeply, and someone I never thought I would run into again, who I thought didn’t care about me is just too much, especially compounding with the events of last night. The attack. Stefan. It’s just too much. I struggle past the air blocking my lungs and fight to breathe properly.

He wipes a fallen tear away and stands up while still holding my hands in his. He pulls me upward and into his arms. “Listen, Renny… you don’t have to answer. I don’t want to make you cry, I’m sorry. You’ve already been through so much. I really didn’t mean to upset you. Just think about what I said, and maybe about giving me another chance to make it right. We deserve that. You deserve that.”

At that moment, he withdraws from me and brings my fingers to his lips, kissing them. “I should go. Call me if you need anything. I saved my number in your phone when you fell asleep last night after checking to see if you still had it in there. You didn’t.” He looks upset, and I instantly feel irritated.

Did he really think I was going to keep that painful reminder?

“I’m glad you are alright and that I got here in time. I don’t even want to think about what would have happened if I hadn’t.” I gesture with a slight shrug while cringing a little inside, still not fully comprehending, or wanting to think about the ‘what ifs’ of last night had Tucker not showed up.

The thought has me bowing my head as a shudder runs up my spine. I suppress the fear, along with the memory. I can still feel that jerk’s knee pressed in my back, his hand fisting my hair, and my dad screaming at me that I should have known better!
Ah!
I shove each thought away.

“Call your dad, Ren. He needs to know about this,” Tuck concludes with an authoritative tone as he starts walking toward the door. I follow behind him, shoving this thought away, too, saving the heavy-hearted new reality for processing later.

“I know,” I reply a bit reserved, cowering at the mere thought of knowing he is right. Tucker senses my reluctance giving me an arched brow, but softly nudges my side with his elbow.