Seeing Your Face Again (11 page)

“What are you doing?” Debbie asked once they were out of earshot.

“I need you to tell
Mamm
and
Daett
what's going to happen today.”

“Today?” Debbie asked. “You're doing this today? And without having informed your mom and dad?”

“I'm not going to wait any longer, Debbie. I've lived this life for twenty-two years. I'm absolutely suffocating. The longer I put it off, the worse it will be. Today is the day.”

“Well, don't count on me to tell your parents.” Debbie allowed disappointment to sound in her voice. “I was hoping you'd forgotten about your harebrained idea.”

“My suitcase is packed and under my bed,” Lois said, her voice firm. “That's all I need. I'll be getting new clothes anyway.”

The girl had thought things through, which explained her silence all week. What Debbie had feared was actually going to happen…and today. But Lois would have to tell her parents her news. Debbie knew she'd get enough blame for this without being the one to announce it to the Beiler family.

“Then I'll tell them myself,” Lois said, obviously understanding Debbie's attitude. She took a deep breath. “Will you at least come with me?”

If she stood by her side while Lois broke the news to her parents, Debbie knew that would look like she was supportive of this move. And she wasn't. But it felt mean and cruel not to. Lois waited with an expectant look on her face. “Are you coming, Debbie?”

With a silent groan, Debbie nodded. Somehow she'd have to make it plain to the Beilers that she had no hand in this matter.
Lois pushed open the washroom door, and announced their return with a shrill, “I need to speak with all of you.”

Saloma looked up with shock on her face at Lois's tone.

Ida reached over and squeezed Debbie's hand.

Thank you!
Debbie almost whispered, but she didn't. At least she had one ally, and Ida didn't even know what Lois was going to say. Surely they all expected it though. Well, except Emery perhaps. And he wasn't inside, having gone back out to the barn after breakfast.

Bishop Beiler had stayed at the kitchen table for a few moments to read the latest copy of the weekly
Budget
. He glanced up. “Is something wrong?”

“Apparently Lois has something to say,” Saloma offered.

Lois remained silent.

Perhaps there was yet hope, Debbie thought, since this was always the place Lois backed down in the past—when she had to face her parents. But seeing the determined look on her friend's face, Debbie knew the words would find their way out.

“You have something on your mind?” Bishop Beiler regarded Lois.

Lois glanced at the floor, and the words came in a great rush. “I'm leaving home today, and there's nothing anyone can do to change my mind, and it wasn't your fault, or anyone else's fault. And no one encouraged me in any way, including Debbie.” Lois took in a huge breath of air.

Saloma collapsed on a chair, ashen.

“You're leaving?” Bishop Beiler slowly rose to his feet. “Where are you going?”

Lois didn't look at any of them. “I'm going down to Debbie's parents' place. Her
mamm
said I could stay in Debbie's old room. She said she'd help me get a new start in life. And I don't want any complaints about it either. You took Debbie in, so how is that different from them taking me in?”

The arrow went deep. Debbie could see that from the look on Lois's dad's face.

“But, Lois,” he protested, “Debbie didn't go running out into the world. She was seeking
Da Hah
's will for her life. She was leaving the world behind.”

“And I'm doing the same thing in reverse,” Lois shot back. “You know how long I've yearned for what
Da Hah
has for me other than living in this house. You've all been
gut
to me,
yah
, but I've always felt there is more for me than what lies in the community,
Daett
. Can't you see that? Out there in the
Englisha
world there's learning from books, and from people, and from experience. I don't want to miss out on all that. And if I don't take the door
Da Hah
has opened up for me, I'll never get out of here.”

Saloma sobbed quietly.

Bishop Beiler glanced briefly at his wife before he turned his attention back to Lois. “You're my daughter, Lois. My youngest, and we love you dearly. How can we lose you like this…to the
Englisha
?”

“It's no more the world than this is the world.” Lois waved her hand around to include the house and farm. “It's all the same world,
Daett
. You just call it something else, and make things harder. Perhaps we do that so we can feel like we're suffering for the faith. Well, it's not for me.”

“Did you have anything to do with this, Debbie?” Bishop Beiler's eyes were piercing as he stared at her.

Debbie clutched the kitchen doorway frame, but Lois spoke before she could answer.

“Debbie's the reason I stayed this past year,
Daett
. And she tried hard to talk me out of this. Don't blame her.”

“But her
mamm
and
daett
are taking you in,” the bishop said. “How can that be?”

“Last Sunday I walked over to visit her
mamm
. That's when I told her what I wanted to do, and she agreed to help. Debbie didn't know
anything about it until I told her later. Don't go blaming her,
Daett
. You've known this was coming for a long time.”

But you are using her parents as your way out.
Debbie could see the words written on Bishop Beiler's face even though he said nothing.

Saloma reached up to cling to her husband's arm. She wailed, “Our daughter is leaving, Adam! Do something, please! Talk to her! Tell her this is forbidden!”

“There will be no more talking,” Bishop Beiler finally stated. “I've said all I have to say. I've said it for many years now, and it is enough. Lois knows what she's doing and what it means.” He guided Saloma into the living room, and they sat down on the couch. His chest heaved.

Lois stayed where she was for a few moments, and then she dashed upstairs.

Would she really come back down with her suitcase in hand? After what had just transpired? Debbie wondered.

“Come!” Ida whispered in Debbie's ear. “Let's go speak with her.”

They climbed the stairs to the soft sounds of sobs from the living room. Lois was already out of her room when they arrived on the landing. She was dragging her suitcase.

“I want to hear no more words,” Lois said before Ida could open her mouth. “Will you help me with this suitcase?”

Ida stepped back. “I will have nothing to do with aiding your departure, Lois. Let's make that clear. If you walk out of this house, you'll have to do so under your own steam.”

“And yet you helped Debbie move in,” Lois shot back. “You welcomed her, even knowing her parents were disappointed with her choice to change her life.”

“It's not the same, Lois.” Debbie found her voice. “Sure mom was disappointed with my decision, but this is different. It really is. My mom wanted me to move out…expected me to move out…told me to move out.”

Lois took off down the stairs. The suitcase cleared each step except the last one, banging down with a loud clatter.

Silence hung for a few moments.

Ida clung to Debbie's arm as Lois grabbed the suitcase and moved forward. They heard the front door slam. Ida rushed into her bedroom and headed for the window facing the front lawn. Debbie followed, and the two pushed the drapes aside to watch Lois make her way down the snowy sidewalk. The girl paused for a second to glance back, but then turned and continued toward the plowed lane.

Emery appeared in the doorway of the barn. He sized up the situation and ran to Lois. He came to a stop, and in his haste his arms flailed for balance on the icy ground. He was obviously firing questions at Lois from the looks of things, and Lois was answering him. Lois soon set the suitcase on the ground to gesture with her hands for emphasis. It didn't take much imagination to figure out how that conversation was going—or how it would end.

Moments later Emery turned on his heels and marched back into the barn.

Lois stood still for a second before she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She picked up her suitcase and continued down the drive.

“I can't stand this!” Debbie said, her voice cracking. “I don't care what happens to me, but Lois can't walk over to my parents by herself. I'm driving her.”

Ida squeezed Debbie's hand. “You do that. I know
Daett
would wish it, even if he can't say so himself.”

That was a bit of a stretch, but Debbie attributed it to Ida's kind heart. She rushed downstairs and paused for a moment in front of Bishop Beiler and Saloma to explain. “I'm taking Lois over to my parents'. It will look better to my parents, and it might keep some of the bitterness out of Lois's heart. I don't like what she is doing, but this has to be hard on her even if she's acting like it isn't.”

Bishop Beiler nodded. “You do what you think best, Debbie. Our hearts are too torn right now to think straight.”

Saloma had her face buried in her husband's shoulder, but she glanced up and attempted a weak smile through her tears.

Debbie wiped her own eyes as she went out the door. These were all dear people and close to her heart. Why they must experience this day when their hearts were so torn was beyond her.

Lois was already on the blacktop by the time Debbie got into her car and caught up with her. She pulled up alongside Lois and pushed open the passenger door. “Climb in, Lois.”

Lois continued to stare straight ahead as she marched along with her suitcase.

Debbie called louder, “Lois, get in!”

Lois paused and turned her tear-stained face toward Debbie. “And where's everyone else?”

“Throw your suitcase in the back and climb in,” Debbie ordered. “You're making a scene.”

Lois finally responded, but her face still looked determined.

Debbie sighed as she drove the short distance to her parents' place. “What did you expect, Lois? You knew your parents were going to take this hard. That's why you haven't done this for so long. We don't come from the same world, so your family isn't going to get over this right away. And the Amish community will suffer too. This is going to cause major trouble for everyone. My leaving the world didn't result in those things. That's the difference between what you're doing and what I did. And you know that.”

Debbie stopped the car by her parents' garage. She gave Lois a direct look. “Will you let me take you back before it's too late? I'll run in and tell Mom. She'll understand.”

Lois considered it for a moment, but resolution set in. “I'm not going back. Not ever. I don't care what anyone says. Thank you for bringing me over. It was nice of you.”

“I don't want Mom to think the Beilers and the Amish are heartless,” Debbie said. “She won't understand how deeply this is hurting your parents.”

Lois looked away.

“Are you going inside?” Debbie asked. She waited for a response.

Lois opened the car door and climbed out. She grabbed her suitcase.

Debbie got out of the car too and led the way to the front door. It opened before they arrived.

“Good morning, Mom,” Debbie said.

“
Gut
morning, Mrs. Watson,” Lois said.

“Good morning girls. And Lois, you're to call me Callie.”

“I'll try,” Lois said. “It will take some getting used to.”

“Yes, dear. I think there will be a great many things you'll need to get used to. Now tell me, how was it at home? Was there a little…what do you Amish call it…a
kafuffle
over your decision?”

“You can't imagine the half of it,” Debbie said.

Callie shrugged. “They'll get over it. I did.”

It's not the same!
Debbie wanted to say, but she held back her words. Her mother wouldn't understand.

“Well, come on in, girls,” Callie said. “Lois, your room is ready.”

“I think I'll run on home,” Debbie said, taking a step back. She immediately realized the impact and awkwardness her use of “home” would be to her mother. “Lois will settle in on her own. I'll stop by sometime next week to see how she's doing.”

“You do that.” Callie nodded. “I assume your dresses are fair game for her use.”

“Of course, Mom.” Debbie turned to go. “I don't need them any longer.” She realized those were brave words at the moment. She didn't know how long her welcome at the Beilers and in the community would last after today. Debbie walked back to her car and climbed in. Starting her vehicle, she allowed the tears to come. The world had just gone from difficult to impossible, and she had no idea what she should do about it. “Please help me, Lord,” she whispered.