Seeing Your Face Again (14 page)

I fear this is true. I'm sure you haven't heard yet, but Bishop Beiler's youngest daughter, Lois, also left for the
Englisha
world. Although that is no comfort to you, it might make it easier for you to return. People will not see your leaving in the same light. They will be extra glad because you chose to come back.

Come home, Alvin. We can work things out. I'll speak to
Daett
about giving you more charge over the farm. That
will make things better for you, won't it? You could even try some of those new farming methods you kept talking about. Again, I'm sorry I didn't see how much this troubled you before. Consider the matter well, my son. I trust you will not make the wrong choice.

Your loving
Mamm

Alvin stuck the letter back into the envelope. So
Mamm
didn't like Debbie. He wasn't surprised even though she hadn't protested his interest up to this point. Perhaps that was because she thought nothing would ever come of his love for Debbie. Now
Mamm
was striking at what she thought could be the second root of his problem—the failing farm. Well,
Mamm
was partly right, but her solutions wouldn't make anything better.

So it was true that Paul was making progress in his advances to Debbie. Well, so be it. What could he do about it? Alvin set his chin firmly and began to prepare his supper. It wouldn't be much, but after those two letters he needed the comfort food might bring.

Thirteen

D
ebbie awoke with a splitting headache. Even Emery's soft footsteps as he crept past the bedroom doorway on the way to his chores vibrated in her head. And the squeak of the stairs as he descended was even worse. She held both hands to her face, and got out of bed. With care she lit the kerosene lamp and then pushed aside the drapes. A full moon hung low on the horizon. Already the rough surface of the round orb was dimmed by dawn's rays in the east that gave the snow banks in the west a soft, red glow. Before long another February winter day would be upon them and the duties of farm life would continue. At least it was a Saturday, and she wouldn't have to go to her job.

Two weeks had passed since Lois had left for Debbie's parents' place. No one from the Beiler household had visited her, and her absence hung like a heavy quilt over the house. They were all trying their best to ignore it.

Debbie groaned. It wasn't Lois who had sent her head into this blistering ache. No, it was the tense talk with Paul last night. That and the worry of what would happen if she turned down his offer to bring her home Sunday evening. Debbie sat on the bed and ran
through the incident in her mind. She'd told herself time and again to be ready for the moment, yet she'd been so unprepared once it arrived.

The youth had played volleyball last night at the Waglers, and Paul had made no effort to have her situated beside him during the game—even though he was captain and could have done so easily. Perhaps that was what had disarmed her and raised her hopes that he'd seen her resistance to his attentions and accepted her decision. That had been dashed after the game. Paul had stepped out of the shadows of the barn when Debbie was leaving. His fingers had brushed her arm.

“Debbie, may I speak with you for a moment?”

She was walking beside Ida at the time. Paul must have wanted his attentions noted. That would be so like him. In fact, she was surprised he hadn't commenced the conversation in front of the whole youth group. Debbie knew that her bad attitude was quite inappropriate for a young Christian woman. She couldn't imagine any of the other girls harboring such feelings. And to make matters worse, she'd seen the look of brief sorrow that had flashed across Ida's face. Debbie turned to follow Paul away from the buggy.

“I hope you've enjoyed the evening,” Paul said, turning toward her.

I did until this moment!
Debbie wanted to snap. She smiled instead. “It's been a good evening.”

Paul returned the smile. “I always enjoy these winter volleyball games. Spring will get here soon enough.” He paused.

She waited in silence for him to continue.

His smile didn't dim as he said, “Spring is also a
gut
time of the year, although I do so love winter and the slowing of the rush from summer.” His face had brightened as he paused for a moment to think about what he would say. The words came out more of a statement than a question. “You'd consider it a
gut
thing, Debbie, if I took you home on Sunday evening, y
ah
.”

The dreaded moment had arrived. Why was she so tongue-tied? She had rehearsed her answer for when this moment would finally arrive. She hesitated. She was about to stammer her answer, when Paul took her hesitation in exactly the wrong way.

He nodded. “I thought so. Well, I'll be looking forward to it then, Debbie. I know this thing with Alvin Knepp must still weigh heavy on your heart, so I didn't wish to rush things too much. But surely you've seen by now what kind of stuff Alvin is made of. And his
daett
, of course, the problems he's having with that farm.”

“Ah…I…” she tried to interrupt, but Paul had already rushed on.

“I think you know which buggy I drive and how we do these things. You've been in the community long enough to know. And tell Ida she needs to get a ride with Emery, but I guess she knows that since you both drive with him now that Lois is out in the
Englisha
world.”

He was worse than any man she'd yet encountered, Debbie decided. So in charge. So confident. He clearly didn't expect no for an answer. In a way she could almost let herself go along with his self-deception. It would be like falling asleep on a raft afloat on a fast-moving stream. The only problem was there were rapids ahead, to say nothing of the falls just down the river.

Paul had already turned to go, when she pulled on his shirt sleeve.

“Umm, Paul…wait.” She took a gulp of air and plunged ahead. “The thing is, I can't do this. I just can't.”

He couldn't have looked more thunderstruck. “You're…you're saying
nee
? You're saying
nee
to letting me take you home?”

“Something like that, yes.” The words came out squeaky.

Paul studied her face for a moment. “You surely know Alvin's not coming back, Debbie. He wasn't the man for you anyway. You have to know that by now…or was it worse than I thought and you need more time to heal?”

She tried again. “I'm saying
no
, Paul. Like in
never
. It's not about needing time for me to heal.” Her words didn't register.

“You can't be serious! What are you doing here in the community then, Debbie? You surely know you can't go on like you are. Not with Alvin gone and Bishop Beiler's daughter out in the world. And she's staying at your parents' place. Do you know what that means, Debbie?”

“You would force me into a relationship with you?” she managed to whisper. It was the wrong thing to say.

“Of course not, Debbie!” Anger crossed his face as he stared. Then he relaxed and began again. “So, do you want to drop this question for a while? Maybe that would be wise. I see you do need to heal more, and I'm sure the people of the community will understand. Sometimes things take a little time.”

She should have screamed
no
or stomped her feet or done something to drive home the point that she would never consider going out with him as her boyfriend, let alone her husband. But it was easier to say nothing. She looked at him and then stared at the ground.

Paul gave her arm a quick squeeze and walked her back to Ida. A few of the girls who stood nearby glanced their way. They had soft smiles on their faces. Everyone approved of the match apparently, Debbie thought. And Ida was among them. She gave her the warmest smile of all.

Ida's attitude affected Debbie the most and almost brought tears to her eyes during the ride home. Her friend couldn't have forgotten her feelings for Paul, and yet once Ida decided something was the right thing to do, she proceeded ahead with such a sweet spirit.

“I'm so happy for you!” Ida had whispered as Emery drove them through the chilly darkness.

“Ida, I turned him down,” Debbie said.

Her friend was unable to say anything for a moment.

“Turned who down?” Emery asked as he pulled back on the reins to stop at an intersection.

“You're blind as a bat, Emery!” Ida scolded. “Don't you see anything?”

“Paul Wagler,” Debbie offered in Emery's direction. There was no reason to keep this hidden. They'd been seen together, and the news would spread anyway.

“Paul Wagler?” Emery stared at her for a moment before he slapped the reins to urge the horse forward. “You turned down a date with him?”

“Is that some kind of sin?” Her anger had finally returned, but it was a little too late. And besides, she shouldn't make Emery the target.

Emery laughed. “Turning Paul down right now is dangerous, that's all I say. Though I kind of like it.”

“Emery, don't say that!” Ida said.

“I still like it.” Emery chuckled, and Ida fell silent. Her silence hung over them until they got home. They unhitched the horse, and Emery led her to the barn. Ida even remained silent on the walk to the house. Debbie and Ida went inside, said good night to the elder Beilers, walked upstairs, and then parted in the hallway with a mumbled “Good night.”

The memory of last night faded as Debbie rubbed her throbbing head with both hands. A soft knock sounded on the door, and she got up and opened the door.

Ida greeted her with a too cheery, “Just thought I'd check to see how you are this morning.”

“I have a splitting headache!” Debbie said as she sat on the bed again.

Concern flashed on Ida's face. “I'll get aspirin for you. Do you take two or three?”

“A dozen,” Debbie mumbled.

“Just give me a minute.” Ida disappeared and the squeaking stairs seemed to pierce Debbie's skull. A few moments later Ida came up again with two aspirins and a glass of water.

Debbie washed the pills down quickly.

Ida sat on the bed and placed a hand on Debbie's shoulder. “Is last night bothering you?”

“Ida, why don't you take Paul, and put me out of my misery?” Debbie groaned. “You like him. I don't.”

Ida gave a little laugh. “That's over, Debbie. Surely you know that. Paul has no interest in me, and I think
Da Hah
is opening other doors for me. Even with the awful things Lois has done, I think I'll be offered a chance at love. So you mustn't turn down Paul out of respect for me.”

As always Ida expected the best motives in others, Debbie thought. “Ida, please believe me when I say I have no feelings for Paul. Actually that's not true. I don't like him. Why can't anyone understand that? My answer to Paul will always be no—even if you no longer want him.”

“You don't think that's a mistake?” Ida asked, her tone insistent.

Debbie met her gaze. “Ida, dear, please. Paul
is not
the kind of man I want. That's not to say he wouldn't be great for someone else…for you. I'm just not interested. I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings.”

“I suppose we all do have our own taste.” Ida shifted on the bed. “I wish you the best then, especially with what the community will say about this.”

Debbie winced. “That's what Paul said. And he didn't take no for my answer either. He's planning to ask again ‘after some time,' he said.”

“Then there's yet hope?” Ida's face lit up. “You must have given him some reason to wait.”

“I don't know what runs through Paul's feverish brain,” Debbie muttered. “I seem to have that effect on men. It's happened before, believe me, and no matter how hard they've tried, I haven't changed my mind. It's never worked with
Englisha
men, and it's no use for Paul to persist either.”

“But Paul is a
gut
man,” Ida said. “He might be different from the
Englisha
men you knew before. Have you considered that?”