Secrets of My Hollywood Life #5: Broadway Lights (23 page)

Wow, Laney, thanks! We both sit up and Laney smoothes her napkin on her lap and then takes a sip of her iced tea while Mom stares at her suspiciously.

"Okay, I'll come to your event on Saturday," I give in and Mom shrieks and claps happily. "But I am not coming out Monday and Tuesday as well. It's too much."

"Fine," Mom agrees. "It's at 11 AM. We could have a car pick you up at seven and you'd be back by four-thirty at the latest. It's going to be a wonderful day. Darling Daisies teamed up with Sun at the Shore and we're having the Jonas Brothers and Selena Gomez plant seeds! You can do it too."

I side-eye Laney and she nods ever so slightly. "Fine," I mumble and take another yummy bite of my breakfast to wash down my distaste.

Mom is so happy she starts gobbling down her breakfast and even swipes half of Dad's butter-laden English muffin off his plate.

"As I was saying," Seth tries again, sounding weary, "Kaitlin's career is having a good moment. I think we should strike now."

"I have offers?" I'm slightly excited even though I have no idea what he's going to say. I wipe my sweaty palms on the pleats of my short dress.

"Several coming in and several more have been mentioned," Seth tells me. "I have scripts for you to read and I'm not talking about teen slasher garbage.
Good
scripts. Coming-of-age movies and some headlining vehicles. You even have an offer to do a Judd Apatow film. Seth Rogen asked for you personally."

"Imagine that." Dad is glowing. "I've been hoping to get him for some of the productions I'm working on."

Seth doesn't reply to that, but smiles broadly as he announces his next tidbit. I have a bad feeling Dad's production company dreams may be over before they even really started. No one is calling him back. "I even have a pay or play offer." Mom gasps and drops her spoon in her decaf coffee with skim and Splenda with a loud clink.

HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER ELEVEN: Pay or play offers are pure gravy deals in Hollywood. When an actor, director, or producer is offered this, it means that you're wanted so badly for the project that they'll pay you regardless of whether the movie ever gets made. They'll even pay you if you get replaced before production begins. It's a big deal.

"What's it for?" I ask breathlessly.

Seth brightens. "It's sort of a
Gossip Girl
meets
90210
meets
Greek
meets
Ugly Betty
set in a
Supernatural
meets
Lost
meets
Survivor
-type environment."

Mom says "We'll take it" at the same time Laney, Nadine, and I say "I don't get it."

"It is confusing," Seth hesitates, as always ignoring Mom over me. The man's a pro. "But worth reading the script. It tripped me up a few times too, but it sounds like groundbreaking material."

"Groundbreaking material that covers several shows that have already been done," Nadine mutters under her breath, and I giggle.

"I'll read the script this week," I promise and Seth pulls it out of his bag and slides the large manuscript over to me.

"There's something else I should mention." Seth sounds a bit unsure this time. "It's a cable TV show. A sitcom, actually, about six college freshmen who become tight and wind up best friends. It's tentatively titled
Little Fish, Big Pond
--get it?"

"I've heard of this." I lean forward, being careful not to let my yellow dress get bathed in maple syrup. "Gina mentioned it. Everyone wants in on this pilot. It's for mid-season. I heard Scarlett read for it. And Miley and Selena. Everyone wants it!"

"Well, they're looking for two girls to play roommates who battle but become good friends and they're thinking of two people in particular." Seth squirms slightly. "You and Sky."

Mom and Laney start laughing so hard that I think food is going to come flying out of their noses. Even Dad chuckles in between bites of his Mexican omelet. Nadine and I look at each other. Nadine raises one eyebrow hopefully.

I don't know why, but the idea makes my heart race. My gut reaction is that I like the idea. Sky and I back on TV together doing something totally different from
FA
could be a lot of fun. I had a great time doing
SNL
, and Seth is right--Sky and I have good comic timing together. I'd love to play someone less serious than Sam. Could a sitcom with us as roommates actually work?

"Are you crazy?" Laney scoffs. "Those two are fire and ice. Don't get me wrong." She holds a palm up apologetically at me. "You two were superb on
SNL
, but your days of being a twosome are over. It's like Lauren and Ava. Enough is enough already! I have been exhausting myself calling around and complaining about their ridiculously lame Boofest, and now I'm dealing with their latest YouTube slandering. Yesterday those two fools actually invited paparazzi to film them filming their latest video spoof of you and Sky." I find myself actually stopping and thinking about what she just said, it's that confusing. "They had that dog of theirs, Calou, play Sky! They put a little wig on the poor thing."

Dad bursts out laughing and we all look at him. "Sorry. That sounds sort of funny." Mom shoots him a dirty look.

"The bottom line is I'm sick of this Team SKAT versus Team LAVA garbage and Lauren and Ava's D-listness." Laney slaps her hand down on the table, her oversized gold cuff emphasizing her point. "Kaitlin and Sky together are in danger of going the same way--we've been there, done that."

"I don't know about that," Seth disagrees. "Together the two are magic. Their comic timing was impeccable. Lorne Michaels and I were chatting about it the other day. He thinks both of them have a future in comedy."

Really? I'm about to ask more about this when Laney tsks.

"I say it's time to move on to something new," Laney insists. "Besides, those two always get along for three days, then brawl again."

"I agree," Mom interjects before I can get a word in. "I don't trust Sky. I know she's been spending a lot of time here lately, but that's just because she's out of work. As soon as she gets something new, she'll be back to being evil again. I don't want Kate-Kate dealing with that again. We don't need any more..."--Mom leans in close and whispers--"panic attacks."

Everyone murmurs their agreement.

"Is it an actual offer, Seth?" I ask tentatively.

"Not official," Seth tells me, "but we're in talks. I've read a rough draft of the pilot and I laughed out loud twice. That's two times more than I usually laugh when I read first drafts of sitcom pilots." He winks at me. "But I wanted you to know and keep it in mind."

"It sounds great," Nadine says to me. Mom glares at her.

"I think that's a pass." Mom shrugs.

It used to bother me so much when she'd do this, but it's beginning to seem funny to me.

"Can I read the pilot?" I ask without skipping a beat. Mom looks at me. Laney's and Dad's jaws drop. Nadine looks pleased. "I just want to read it," I try to assure them. "Sky and I are getting along fine--and for more than just three days, Laney. We've reached a new level of understanding." They're still looking at me. "I'm just saying I wouldn't be opposed to working with her again if the project was worth it."

"I don't like it," Mom protests.

"It's going to be a disaster if it happens," Laney echoes.

"I don't want you stalling out and getting water in your engine, sweet pea," Dad agrees. I'm assuming that's a boat analogy. I'll have to decipher its meaning later.

"I'll get it for you, Kaitlin," Seth says with a smile. "You read it--you all read it--and then tell me what you think. I think Sky's agent is getting a copy this week as well."

The rest of breakfast is more of the same. Laney enthralls us with tales of a client's recent book tour and a story about how the celeb author flipped out when a bookstore didn't have enough Sharpie colors for to her sign with. Mom talks about meeting Kathy Lee Gifford and how Kathy Lee swore Mom would make a good
Today
show host fill-in. (Nadine spits iced tea all over the table when Mom says that.) Seth laments the state of the film industry as a whole during a recession and Dad regales us with tales of being on a boat with Beyoncé and Jay-Z last weekend. Finally we pay the check--or I should say Seth does--and Nadine and Rodney and I split off from the group and head uptown to Broadway Dance to take a class. We both jump on our phones as soon as we're in the car--Nadine to confirm a dinner reservation I have for that night with Sky, and me to call Austin. I know it's not our scheduled time to talk, but I need his opinion on the thought of me working with Sky again. Am I nuts for remotely considering this? Is Sky even interested? Am I interested? The last thing I want is to sign on to a project and to be back in Sky Terror Level Orange territory. I dial Austin's room and let the phone ring three times.

"Howdy!" A girl starts giggling and laughing, which annoys me instantly. "I mean, hey! It's A and R's room."

"Hi, Amanda." I try to sound very grown up and worldy. "It's Kaitlin. Is Austin there?" I've tried to delicately tell Austin how much it bothers me to hear Amanda answer the phone, but he's either oblivious or he doesn't care. I don't want to get too crazy either since we're on such good terms after his New York weekend. I'm trying not to sound jealous, but it's hard when Austin keeps bringing Amanda up and telling me what a big help she is. Amanda is from Texas and went to the camp the year before so she knows the ropes. Camp tour guide or not, I am not happy about having her play phone cop.

"Oh, hey, Kaitlin," Amanda sings. I hear someone snort in the background. "Austin just ran down to the café to get us some drinks."

"Can you tell him to call me back?" I ask, trying to sound pleasant even as I yell over two cabs honking at each other in the midtown traffic. "It's important."

"Sure thing! Listen, can I ask you something?" Amanda says as someone else whispers something I can't understand. "What's your last name?"

I pause. Maybe she already knows and is just teasing me, but if she doesn't know, then maybe she should. Maybe she'd back off. "Burke. My name is Kaitlin Burke."

The phone is silent. "So it
is
you! We saw your picture in A's room. Pam and I were looking at it earlier and she said that's that girl from
Family Affair
, but I said nah, A would have told us that. He just says 'Kaitlin.' He never brags about who you are. So you live in Hollywood and stuff?"

"And stuff," I answer importantly.

"Really?" Amanda sounds skeptical. "Austin doesn't seem Hollywood enough to date a celebrity, even if he does live in L.A. He's so... normal."

"He's so nice!" I can hear someone else in the background. That must be Pam. "Austin is cool. Not Hollywoodish."

"Starstruck is not in his vocab," Amanda continues.

Okay... "I know that. I love that about him." Amanda and Pam start to giggle. "Do you have a point?" I can't help but snap. I don't need my boyfriend described to me.

More whispering. What are they, two? "Our point is he's too good for you," Amanda says firmly and Pam snorts.

"Well, that's not your decision to make." I'm getting loud and my ears are getting hot with embarrassment and anger. "It's none of your business either. Tell Austin I called. Better yet, don't. I'll text him. I
am
his girlfriend, so I don't need to go through you." I hang up, pressing end angrily.

Nadine frowns. "Bad call?"

"Bad call."

And I'm not sure it will be the last one either.

Friday, July 3

NOTE TO SELF:

Tell A U will call his cell from now on.

Tonite: Dinner w/ Sky at Butter--11:00 PM. Lame, I know!

Sat: Hamptons pickup 7 AM. Sun @ the Shore party. Car back: 1 PM.

TWELVE: Hitchhiking Hamptonites

"This is the life," Liz murmurs. She's lying on a massage table in the middle of a large tent on the grounds of a multimillion dollar mansion that the New York City club The Cave rented for the summer in the Hamptons. They've dubbed the house the Sun at the Shore. On weekends it turns into a vacation outpost for celebrities, debutantes, and Hamptons socialites, and today they've partnered with Mom's Darling Daisies committee for an event. "This aromatherapy shiatsu massage makes me feel like I'm home."

"Liz Mendes, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were homesick," I tease. I'm sitting in a massage chair next to her while someone from Pinky Toes, who The Cave brought in for today's event, gives me a pedicure (I went colorless for my manicure, since my nails need to be nude for the play anyway). For my toes, I picked a deep Bordeaux color to match the Tadashi pleated chiffon V-neck dress I'm wearing. "Weren't you the one who said New York was your future and Los Angeles was your past?"

"I changed my mind." Liz gets worked up, her arms swirling round and round, sort of like the print on the yellow and brown one-shouldered Grecian T-Bags dress she had on before her massage. "I miss my car and grass and the beach and..."

"In case you haven't noticed, you're
at
the beach," Sky gripes. For a moment I forgot Sky was even with us because she and Liz haven't snapped at each other for the last 3.2 minutes. I guess their relaxation treatments only go so far. Sky is getting a mani and a pedi at the same time. Two girls are working on giving her such pale nude nails and toes you'd think she didn't even get them done. Sky says that's the point. She'd hate to have her nails overpower her outfit (a mosaic Alice & Trixie long halter dress).

"It's not the same!" Liz props herself up on her elbows, knocking her masseuse backward. The woman was massaging her arms when Liz swung them forward to start making her point. Again. "If you spent any time at Venice Beach like me and my boyfriend do, you'd know that the beaches here are very different. And if you're a surfer, like Josh, the Pacific Ocean rocks."

"Are you a surfer?" Sky wants to know. "Because I thought we were talking about
you
."

"I am talking about me," Liz stammers. "I like the Pacific Ocean too."