Secrets of My Hollywood Life #5: Broadway Lights (18 page)

HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER EIGHT:
Saturday Night Live
is actually taped in front of a dress rehearsal audience and then airs live in front of a different studio audience a few hours later. The dress rehearsal audience sort of serves as last-minute testers of each skit--if the number gets no laughs, or bombs, then it could be pulled entirely. Every number can get tweaked up till the last second on the show. On occasion, encore showings of an episode are different from the original broadcast that airs that night. If something goes majorly wrong during the live broadcast--a musical act goes off the deep end and does something censorable, a comic curses, or a number plays better in dress rehearsal--it may be replaced with the dress rehearsal version in later showings.

For the most part, our sketches get a ton of laughs, especially one where we play our
Family Affair
characters as eighty-year-olds living in a celebrity assisted living center. The two of us think we're our characters, not ourselves. The one sketch that bombs and winds up getting dropped is a number where Sky and I play karaoke singers who perform at a fried chicken pizzeria (don't ask). Our digital short with Andy Samberg--possibly my favorite thing we've done all week--has Sky and me playing his dream girls. All in all, I'm feeling pretty good as I head off to grab something quick to eat in my dressing room with Liz and my family before we get ready for the live show. Then my phone vibrates with another text.

DYLAN'S CELL: Hey, lovely. The bloke at the door will let me slip in before live show starts. Going to dash from our show. Good luck! UR going to nail the Skirtles number.

KAITLIN'S CELL: Thanks 2 U! U ran play and
SNL
lines w/ me all week. How can I thank U?

DYLAN'S CELL: Lunch tomorrow? My treat.

KAITLIN'S CELL: You treated the other day! My turn. Least I can do 4 all UR help.

DYLAN'S CELL: Don't mention it. C U later. I will be the bloke in the jumper. Heard the studio is cold. Don't want 2 freeze my arse off!

"Who is that?" Sky asks, hearing me laugh. She peeks her head nosily over my shoulder as we keep walking down the hall. We've both changed out of our costumes and are in comfy C&C California drawstring pants and tees. I'm in a green tee and black pants; Sky is in a peach tee and tan pants. We both got the outfits at an L.A. gift suite. I can't remember which one. "Is that Dylan again?"

"So what?" I sound defensive. Why? "He was just checking up on me. I think it's nice." I wish my boyfriend would have found more time to do the same. I barely spoke to him all week even after we had the most amazing weekend in Los Angeles. Austin knows how much
SNL
means to me. Why is he acting so distant?

"Dylan is into you," Sky clasps her hands and makes googly eyes at me.

"No, he's not!"

"He so is," Sky counters. "You've been practically joined at the hip all week in between rehearsals, which has been so annoying, by the way."

"He knows I have a boyfriend." I'm getting flustered. I know she's right that we've spent a lot of time together.

"That doesn't stop everyone," Sky points out. "Some guys go after girls who are taken, you know. And who knows? Maybe you're sending him mixed signals."

"I am not!" I tell her hotly.

"Are you
sure
you're not, because that kiss at the charity booth seemed sort of hot." Sky is actually wagging a finger at me now. "Plus you get this goofy smile on your face every time you talk about him."

"That's just because he's been such a good friend." He has! Dylan's got the play to worry about and yet he's spending all his free time making sure I'm not too overwhelmed. He even brought me lunch at my
SNL
rehearsal yesterday because he knew I didn't eat at the play rehearsal. He remembers every little detail I tell him, from what show I watched on TV the night before to what book I'm trying to read during my car rides (the latest Jodi Picoult. So sad).

Sky won't let up. "I think you
feel
something for him."

"I don't feel anything," I protest. I try walking ahead of her, but she reaches my dressing room at the same time as me.

"Look, K, I've been in a lot of relationships..."

I interrupt her. "Really? I haven't noticed," I snap.

"And one thing I know is when people are into each other," Sky says, looking at herself in a mirror and primping her long, black hair. "You've got a thing for Dylan whether you're with Austin or not. That's what this all boils down to--Dylan is here and is giving you the attention you crave, and Austin's far away and is barely picking up the phone. It's not your fault. It was bound to happen. I'm sure Austin will be the same way when he goes to camp and..." A catering person walks by with a tray of goodies. "Oh look! Brownies! See you in a few, K!"

I'm left standing in the hall feeling anxious and worried.

DYLAN'S CELL: Are you going to the after-party? Want some company?

I stare at my iPhone in alarm. Dylan's just being friendly, right? I thought that's what we were. Friends. But is Sky right? Am I sending Dylan the wrong signals? Why would I do that? I'll ignore his text for the moment and worry about the after-party later. I can't get myself worked up before the show. Everything's been going so smoothly up until now, even with my crazy week. I survived Mom's charity event and a ton of photo shoots and interviews, and made it through double rehearsals every day. Even Riley didn't bother me too much, probably because I was too tired to get upset about her nitpicking. ("Forest, didn't you tell Kaitlin to stand
six
feet from the desk, not eight?") I can't worry about what Dylan is or isn't feeling. Instead I call my boyfriend. He picks up on the first ring, but I can barely hear him because there is so much commotion in the background. Loud music is playing and people are laughing and talking.

"Burke? Can you hear me?" Austin yells over the noise. "Let me find somewhere quieter to talk." Two seconds later, I hear a door shut and the noise is more muffled. "That's better. Hey, are you still there? Listen, sorry about before."

"I'm sorry too." Hearing his voice makes me feel instantly calmer. We seem to be saying "I'm sorry" a lot since we've been apart. "I'm sorry I forgot to call. Sorry I didn't tell you. Sorry, sorry, sorry."

"Where are you?" I ask. "Are you at a party?"

"Sort of, " Austin admits. "Most people moved in earlier this weekend and tonight they're having a get-to-know-your-roomies bash in the common area. The dorms here are pretty nice. People seem cool too. The best part: Murray and I have our own bathroom, so we're pretty stoked."

"I would be too." I try to picture what Austin's new home away from home looks like, but I can't. I realize I never even asked to see the camp brochure he kept mentioning to me. I will have to Google it later.

"So it's got to be almost time for you to go on," Austin continues. "Mom is taping it for me. She was worried the camp wouldn't have a TV set up yet, but there is one. It's just, um, overrun at the moment, but I spoke to my RAs and they're letting me use the one in their room, so I'll be cheering you on live, even though you can't hear it."

"Thanks." I'm touched. "Knowing you're watching will keep me on my game."

"You're on your game even if I'm not watching," Austin tells me. "Liz texted me to say you killed at the dress rehearsal. Especially your Skirtles number. I can't wait to see it."

"Hey, you even got the new name of the candy right," I point out. I check my watch. I haven't made it to dinner with everyone and there is still so much I want to go over before the live show. I don't know whether I'll have time. "You do pay attention."

"Always, when it concerns you," he says, and I grin.

"Kaitlin?" It's Parker again. I cover the phone and nod at him. "We need you on set for a moment to check lighting again."

"Sure. I'll be there in a second." I take my hand off the microphone and go back to Austin. "I've got to go."

"AUSTIN! COME ON!" A chorus of male and female voices shouts, and I hold the phone away from my ear to keep from going deaf.

"I'm on with my girl, guys," I hear him say. "I'll be a sec."

Aww... his girl. And he said that in front of other girls! "You've got to go too," I tell him. "Call me after if you're up, otherwise I'll call you in the morning."

"Knock 'em dead, Burke."

"Thanks." I smile. "I will."

The next forty-five minutes before the show are a blur of final checks, costume stuff, and last-minute notes. Before I know it, Sky and I are standing backstage while the opening skit--a political number that we aren't in--plays out. I look over my outfit one last time. My hair is down and I'm wearing a lilac Laundry by Shelli Segal satin pleated dress with Prada peep-toe heels. Sky has on a BCBG smoke sateen bead-detailed mini dress. Her long hair is pulled back in a ponytail. I'm obsessed with her black Miu Miu slingbacks with the tiny bows on the top.

Then it's our cue and we walk next to each other through the doors and down the steps and stand in front of the applauding audience. Even though the lights are blinding, I can see Liz and my parents, Nadine, Rodney, Matty, and, in the back corner, Dylan. I try not to get distracted and just remember my lines.

"You might recognize Kaitlin and me from our show,
Family Affair
," Sky begins, getting a ton of applause at the mention of
FA
.

I take a breath before my first line. "Or you don't recognize us from the show, but you know us from your favorite gossip tabloid," I tell them. "Which is why we're here. To set the record straight. You see, we don't really hate each other." A few people chuckle.

"Absolutely not." Sky shakes her head emphatically. "Total falsehood. We're like sisters."

I frown slightly. "Sisters who occasionally fight," I clarify, looking directly at the audience. "But still, you can't believe everything you hear."

"Even if it sounds sort of true," Sky adds. "Like that story about Kaitlin being hospitalized." I stare at her in mock horror. "It was true, but not because she was suffering from exhaustion." Sky puts a hand over the side of her mouth that I can see and whispers the word "lipo." People laugh. They're getting it! And they seem to like it!

I put my hands on my hips. "Exactly," I say. "Some stories are exaggerations, like the ones about Sky being a total control freak." I cover my hand over my mouth now. "SO TRUE," I stage whisper. "AND SO IS THE STORY ABOUT SKY COLORING HER HAIR. SHE HAS GRAYS."

After a few more barbs, the two of us start clawing at each other, pulling off pieces of each other's clothing that are meant to rip on cue. Finally Andy Samberg and Seth Meyers come out and pull us off each other. I'm dangling in Andy's arms, my legs flailing, while Seth holds back Sky. When they remind us about the cameras, we calm down and compose ourselves--sort of. We're still bickering as they go to the commercial break, and the audience loves it. And I love doing it! Who knew saying things to Sky that I've always said could play so well for a crowd? But it works, and Sky and I, I guess after years of working together, know each other's rhythms and know exactly how to play each line and each expression.

The whole show works that way and then it's time for our curtain call and the whole cast is onstage saying goodnight. But it doesn't feel like goodnight. If anything, I'm more awake at 1:30 AM than I've ever been. No wonder they do an after-party. When the show officially ends, I hug the cast members and pose for a few pictures with the audience while my family, Nadine, Liz, and Rodney wait patiently to congratulate me. I look up and notice Dylan is with them and he's holding a HUGE bouquet of gorgeous summer flowers like lavender and sunflowers. He's talking to my mother.

"Kaitlin! You were fabulous!" Mom gushes. I've never seen her so happy. "Brilliant! I just e-mailed Seth. This should do amazing things for your résumé," she adds in a whisper. "I'll get on him about that tomorrow morning, but just great! Wasn't she great?" she asks the group.

They all murmur their agreement, including Dylan, who is staring at me, smiling.

"These are for you," he says shyly.

Mom clutches her heart. "Isn't that sweet?"

"Thanks." I take the bouquet from him and breathe in the heavenly scent of lavender. Wow. "You didn't have to."

"I wanted to," Dylan insists. His teeth are so white. Blindingly white. I don't think I noticed that before. "You were brilliant. Spot on. Didn't I tell you?"

"You did." I laugh. "What about the...?"

"Skirtles number?" he finishes my sentence. "You sorted it out. It was excellent!"

"Thanks." I feel weirdly shy all of a sudden. I feel my phone vibrate. It's Austin. "Excuse me a second. Hey," I say to Austin. "What did you think?"

"It was great!" Austin sounds so proud and I get all gooey. "Burke, you are a true comic. Who knew?" It sounds so loud where he is. "I saw almost all of it."

"Almost all?" I frown.

"Yeah, they kept pulling me away. I can already tell dorm life means a total lack of privacy. I missed the Skirtles number, but I'm going to YouTube it as soon as it's up."

"Oh." That was the one number I wanted him to see. He knew that. "Okay."

If he can pick up on the disappointment in my voice, he doesn't say anything. "Have a great time at the after-party, okay?" Austin, sounds like he's rushing me off the phone. "I'll call you tomorrow." He's gone before I can even say goodbye.

"So to the after-party?" Dad interrupts. "We can come, right?"

"DAD," Matty groans. "Please don't." I giggle.

"We won't be too late." Liz winks at me.

Matty and I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Are you going too, Dylan?" Mom asks him.

"Can't leave the lady without an escort, can I, ma'am?" Dylan is looking at me intently.

"And I do need an escort," I joke, sounding much more excited than I intended to. Nadine looks at me oddly. So does Liz. "I mean, of course, he's coming. We're all going. One big happy group! Um, we're going to leave in a little while. Let me get changed and I'll meet you out here."

"Great." Dylan smiles again, revealing those dimples. "I'll be waiting."

"Super!" I say dumbly, a nervous grin plastered to my face. I head back to the dressing area to grab Sky and get my stuff, but all I can think about is this new mess I've somehow created.

Geez, maybe Sky is right. I might have a
teensy
crush on Dylan. And Dylan might like me back.

And if he does, what do I do about it?

Saturday, June 20

NOTE TO SELF:

GO TO SLEEP! Stay there all day Sunday.

TV Tome

The New Queens of Saturday Night--

Kaitlin Burke and Sky Mackenzie!

Week of June 22nd
by TV Tome Critic Brayden Woods

If you caught
Saturday Night Live
this past weekend--and many of you obviously did, since the ratings spiked 21 percent--you might have been surprised to find yourselves laughing
along with
and not
at
the week's hosts.

After being both praised and reviled in the tabloids for years, teen TV queens Kaitlin Burke and Sky Mackenzie of
Family Affair
turned the tables on America by poking fun at themselves. From the moment their opening monologue started--a hilarious bit about the two who famously hate each other claiming they don't hate each other even as they were griping at one another--we knew we were in for a rare treat.

The girls didn't disappoint in the ninety-minute show (if you count out a weak game show skit about airhead cheerleaders). They cleverly mocked their octogenarian selves in an
FA
nursing home skit, played obnoxious paparazzi in another, and proved they could sing in the best skit of the night, a Skirtles commercial in which they played their enemies, socialites Ava Hayden and Lauren Cobb.

The
SNL
writers struck gold with that ditty, but they can't take all the credit. The idea stems from a blog Sky and Kaitlin wrote likening Ava and Lauren to Skittles candy--sweet but when you get too much of them, you feel sick. The foursome have been fighting via the media for a month now and it seems as if everyone has a side, with Team SKAT (which stands for Sky and Kaitlin) T-shirts popping up on teens from Times Square to the Grove.

Lauren and Ava must have had a meltdown over that skit, since it captured their TV personas perfectly. Sky was brilliant as the notoriously paparazzi-obsessed Hayden, using hair flips to her full advantage. And while Kaitlin made a worthy Cobb, she sparkled even more in a skit where she played a 1950s B-movie queen heroine fleeing from an army of ants. The best parts of the show were when the pair were onscreen together, proving to this TV critic what so many of us already know--like each other or not, the two belong back on TV together. Television producers, hear my plea: cast Sky and Kaitlin on a sitcom before someone else snatches them up.

MEETING OF THE MINDS

SCENE 8:

School courtyard. Basketball court is in the background. A few park benches line the stage.

LEO:

Andie, wait!

ANDIE:

(crying)
You don't need to follow me, Leo. It was a stupid idea to begin with. I never should have told you.

LEO:

(catching up to Andie)
Hey. It wasn't stupid. Actually, it was probably the first honest thing someone has ever said to me at this school. I've spent four years here and so much of it was bull. We're all so busy being a type that we don't know who we really are. You know who you are, Andie. I like that. I may not have seen it before today, but I like that.

ANDIE:

You do?

LEO:

I do. And I want to try something. If you'll let me.

ANDIE:

What is it?

LEO:

This.

(Leo leans in very slowly and kisses Andie very softly at first. Andie responds by kissing Leo back and wrapping her arms around his neck.)

NINE: The Calm Before the Storm

"This is it, people!" Forest tells us. "I want to go over one last scene before we call it quits for the day. Kaitlin? Dylan? I think we need to give THE MOMENT one last go."

THE MOMENT is exactly what moment you think it is, and even after rehearsing it for weeks, I still can't help getting all jumpy beforehand. My hands get clammy, my forehead sweats, and I feel like I'm going to pass out from nerves. Dylan walks across the stage toward me.

"Peppermint?" he offers. We had a full dress rehearsal yesterday and today we can wear our street clothes. Dylan's wearing a cool green polo shirt that brings out the color of his eyes even more (if that's possible) and frayed khaki cargo shorts.

I cover my mouth and breathe into my hand "Does my breath smell?" I shuffle my feet uncomfortably. I have on cute plaid Coach ballet sneakers that go well with my hot pink Gap tee and my new super fit Lucky capri jeans.

He laughs. "Your breath is like roses, darling, relax. These are for me. You want?"

I shake my head. Someone is testing the lights and a bright one blinds me for a moment. Then the lights go dim--too dim--and I feel like I'm on a romantic date.

"Take it from the beginning of the scene, Kaitlin," Forest says, without looking up from his notes. He's sitting on a crate near the edge of the stage. Did it just get hot in here? All we need is for them to pipe in John Mayer, and I'm done for.

I nod. Dylan and I both exit stage left and then I run back onstage and Dylan runs after me.

"Andie, wait!" Dylan uses his American accent. He even sounds charming as an American. How does he do it?

I start to cry. "You don't need to follow me, Leo." I literally shake, my character is so upset. "It was a stupid idea to begin with. I never should have told you." I turn toward Dylan after he starts his little speech about honesty and then it's my turn again. I almost forget to say my line. I'm looking so deep into Dylan's eyes, trying to concentrate on Leo rather than think about how good Dylan looks, and I catch myself just in time to hear Dylan say "but I like that."

"You do?" I ask Leo. I start snapping my pink beaded bracelet absentmindedly. Remember, Kaitlin. This is Leo, not Dylan talking. I feel my heart begin to speed up. The kiss is seconds away.

"I do," Dylan says softly. LEO. I mean Leo says softly! "And I want to try something. If you'll let me."

My breath catches in my throat. "What is it?" I practically whisper.

"This," Dylan whispers back. He puts one hand on my back, pulls me forward and with the other hand on my chin he leans in and kisses me so lightly I barely feel it. I close my eyes and lean into the kiss, my lips melting into his. Dylan smells like peppermints, I think, and peppermints smell delicious. From far away, I hear "Excellent!"

"Amazing!" Forest says as I unwind my arms from Dylan's neck and step back. I feel sort of wobbly and Dylan actually grabs my arm to steady me. "You two are superb together. Such chemistry. Don't you think so, people?"

I didn't even realize the rest of the cast was watching us. I was in a total zone, but there they are. They're standing offstage and they walk out toward us. A few people mumble their agreement.

I can't look at Dylan. I feel guilty kissing him, which is weird because I never feel guilty kissing another actor. It's just work. And yet... there is something about kissing Dylan that doesn't feel like acting. What am I saying? I try to block the thought out of my mind and picture Austin.

Since Forest is here for today's final rehearsal with me before I open, I kind of figured he'd say something to all of us before we leave. And he does. "I want to thank all of you for putting in so much time and effort the past few weeks," he says, smiling like my dad does when I do something particularly wonderful, like win a Teen Choice Award or tell him he can produce my next film. "I know it was a lot of hard work--having you all come down here on different days and times to work on things you've already perfected, but this was a time to make your work gel with someone else's and I think the results, as you can see, have really paid off." Forest walks to my side and puts an arm around me, throwing me his famously dimpled smile. "Kaitlin, I think you're ready."

"You do?" I can't help but ask sort of nervously and sort of excitedly at the same time. Hearing Forest say that means a lot. I flush from embarrassment, knowing the others are looking at me. I pull down on my Gap V-neck nervously. "I mean, thank you. I owe it all to you guys." Dylan winks.

It's Wednesday afternoon and we've just finished a full rehearsal from start to finish. Usually we work on select scenes or sometimes Forest has me come alone and go over dialogue with him. It's been a grueling process. More practice than I've ever had on film. With a movie, the bulk of my rehearsal is done on my own, sitting in a trailer memorizing my lines. Then we do several takes and shoot the scene for real. I know my character's motivation and purpose and who she is, but I've never known a character as well as I've known Andie. Forest has pushed me to think about every aspect of Andie, from her walk to her facial expressions to the way she carries her school books. ("Everything you do on the stage brings another layer to your performance," he once told me. "Remember that.") It's amazing to think something I've worked so hard on will only be seen by a select group of people for the next eight weeks and after that it won't exist anymore. Well, at least not with me in it. Forest already said the next actress they hire will keep the part for at least a year.

"This is a big week for all of us," Forest tells the small group that includes the company, Dylan, and Riley. Her pink cardigan is a surprisingly good choice on her, and I love how it hangs long in the front and she has it knotted at her waist over an ivory tank top. She's pulled her hair back messily in a bun, held in place with a chewed pencil. I've always wondered how to do that, but I obviously can't ask her.

"I think we've gotten a lot of interest from the press and media outlets thanks to our new star," Forest continues, reading from a clipboard. "The articles some of you have been part of have helped ticket sales tremendously. And I think your work at the Broadway Cares event last week really said a lot about our family. I'd like to keep that momentum going."

"You want us to join the Broadway softball league?" Dylan jokes. He's sat down on the stage and is leaning back on his elbows, his body stretched out in front of him. He looks like he could fall asleep at any moment. "I'm not sure I'd be much help in that area. My expertise is in football--or, as Kaitlin calls it, soccer. Or maybe we could play cricket."

Forest laughs. "I have a better idea. We just found out this morning that
The View
wants us on the show to perform a select scene."

A murmur of excitement rises through the group. I've sat on the ladies' couch before and it can be both intimidating and fun at the same time, but I have a feeling I'm the only one here who has. Riley is talking a mile a minute to anyone who will listen about her love for Elizabeth, who coincidentally happens to be my least favorite. Figures.

"What scene?" someone asks.

Forest looks from us to one of the producers. "Andie's breakthrough--the scene with Andie and Leo."

Uh-oh. This won't go over well. I sneak a peek in Riley's direction. Riley's face is as pink as her sweater.

"That's a brilliant scene, Forest," Riley agrees, surprisingly. "
But
don't you think Kaitlin would fare better with more company onstage? Kaitlin works best when she has a group to support her."

That's a backhanded compliment if I ever heard one.

"
The View
wants Kaitlin." Forest is completely unapologetic. "She's a face America knows and she's giving our show a face. The scene I picked is Kaitlin's best moment." He looks at me. "It truly is. Your emotions are raw and your words run deep, and it's a valuable showcase for your work."

I can feel Riley watching me, but I don't look up. Instead, I examine my new sterling silver Tiffany necklace. I fell in love with the starfish pendant the other day when we strolled into the famous jeweler after practice and I bought Nadine and me matching ones on the spot.

I still don't know how to deal with Riley's veiled jabs. To get out my frustration I've started taking Zumba classes. Liz comes too. She couldn't find a kickboxing class that worked with her new schedule, so the two of us have been taking Zumba, a Latin dance and music cardio class that includes merengue, salsa, mambo, rumba, and calypso. I may not be really good at any of the moves, but it's a lot of fun for releasing steam.

"The good news is that the rest of you can take the next few days off from rehearsals," Forest says to obvious excitement. "Get out of here! Get some color!" People start to disband, not waiting around for Forest to change his mind. I wait to hear what Forest wants me to do next. I usually stay after all the others. "And Kaitlin, you can too, if you want. Friday is your big day and we want you well rested."

This Friday is D-Day. I stare at the empty chairs in the darkened area of the theater. Friday night I'll be standing here, on this stage, in front of over a thousand people. I think I might throw up.

"Maybe I should go over that scene for
The View
one or two more times," I tell Forest anxiously. "I'm not sure I have Andie's emotions just right."

"You have them," he insists with a smile. "And think of
The View
on Thursday as good practice." I open my mouth to say more, but he stops me. "No buts. Take a few days off. Think about Andie all you want--from home." He grabs his stuff and heads offstage. I start packing up too, throwing my Vitaminwater, a wrapper from a Fiber One bar, and my notebook in my bag. I don't even realize Riley is standing there till I turn around, which of course, causes me to jump.