Secrets of a Former Fat Girl (8 page)

I could hardly demand to have a special meal prepared at people's homes or in cases when there was a set menu (at a business dinner, for instance). In those circumstances I would just deal with it. If the food was already plated, I'd eat what I could and push around the other stuff; if we were helping ourselves, I'd take a larger portion of acceptable foods—veggies, salad, chicken or fish—and small bits of the other stuff. I learned to put at least a bite of everything on my plate to avoid raising questions from the cook: “Oh, don't you like macaroni and cheese? Mine is an old family recipe. Here, let me give you enough to feed a family of four.” I often left the stuff untouched, but at the end of the meal my plate would look no different from the plates of others who started out with five times that amount.

I know what you're thinking: How could you
not
eat what's on your plate? Fat Girls don't leave food on their plate unless it's truly inedible, and even then we have to take several bites to make sure. This shows you the power of Secret #1. Through exercise I had begun to build the strength and stamina to say no to my appetite, to put down the fork before my plate was clean. After all, every time I hit that track I was doing something I thought was impossible. If I could run three laps, a mile, two miles, maybe I could leave that last bite on the plate.

But Secret #2: Keep It a Secret is just as important. It will help you insulate yourself from the doubts, criticism, and “helpful” input that could sidetrack you as you work the Former Fat Girl program. Without Secret #2, your whole future as a Former Fat Girl is at risk. Read on to see how you can make it work for you.

Fly Below the Radar

Weight loss gurus usually tell you to share your goals to make you feel accountable to someone else and to garner support for the task you're undertaking. Their reason is that if everyone, or at least someone, knows you're dieting, you're less likely to cheat. Maybe that's true for some people, but for future Former Fat Girls, I say that's risky business.

I know what it's like to feel as if someone is monitoring every bite you take or, worse, nagging you outright to exercise. It's hard not to get resentful; it's hard not to take every helpful suggestion and innocent question as a criticism or accusation, as a reminder that you're too weak to do it on your own—or even that you can't do it at all. Instead of keeping you from “cheating,” it drives you underground where you indulge in secret. That only feeds the burning shame inside you.

I mean, how many times did I use the “I'm on a diet” excuse for ordering a skimpy dressing-on-the-side salad for dinner, only to turn around the next day, the next week, or the next month and polish off an entire plate of fettuccine Alfredo? Who would blame a well-meaning spouse or friend for asking, “Are you
supposed
to be eating that?” And who would blame you for being offended? It's enough to make you want to order a second dessert out of spite.

That's why it's better to stay under the radar. Don't make a big deal about the fact that you're exercising; just do it. As foreign as it might feel to you, try to act as if it's the most natural thing in the world, like going to the grocery store or taking your clothes to the cleaners. Don't announce at the dinner table “I'm on a diet” when you order a grilled chicken breast instead of a burger and fries. You don't have to explain yourself. You just happen to be in the mood for chicken.

Keeping your quest for your new life a secret will help insulate you from the scrutiny and expectations of others. I've found (after lots of fits and starts) that if you don't make a big deal of it, other people will be more likely to follow your lead.

It will be tempting to share with the people around you that you really are going to do something about your weight, that this time will be different. You think that if they know you're trying, they'll be a little less judgmental, a little less critical, a little less likely to write you off as “just a Fat Girl”—not the unique, wonderfully talented, truly compassionate, insightful woman you are. You think it will make the people you love happy, because you know they have been suffering with you, too. You think it will stop the teasing, the nagging, the outright insults—spoken and unspoken.

It will also be tempting to share because you need support, you need coaching, and you need cheerleading. You're doing something extraordinary, something that few people are able to do or even willing to try. You are entering a period of rebirth, attempting to shed the thought patterns and behaviors that have come to define who you are. You are assuming a new identity, like a mobster who turns against the boss and goes into the witness protection program—except that you don't have the FBI to create a new life for you; you have to do it yourself. (Hmmm. I've been watching too much
Law & Order
. But you get the picture.)

Well, here's the thing: There are ways to get the emotional stuff you need while protecting yourself from the outside influences that could drag you down. And here's another upside of keeping your secret: You'll begin to learn to rely on your own inner reserve to keep you motivated, to give you willpower. You may ask:
What
reserve?
What
willpower? Believe me, it's there. It just hasn't had a good workout in a while. Willpower is like a muscle; it can only grow and strengthen if you use it. As you reduce your dependency on others for motivation and begin to focus inward, you'll be surprised at how strong you really are.

Now, let's get to it: How do you change your life without your husband/significant other/nosy roommate finding out? What do you do if you're struggling and really need support? My Former Fat Girl fixes will help you deal with these challenges and more.

The Obstacle: Well-Meaning but Nosy
People Who Want to Help

Unless you're a hermit, it's really tough to turn your life around completely without anyone noticing. Even so, there are ways to protect your secret or at least keep from attracting so much attention that it undermines everything you're trying to do.

Former Fat Girl Fixes

Be a little antisocial.

Try to sequester yourself as much as possible, especially when you first begin your journey to Former Fat Girlhood. Avoid going out to eat or at least set a strict limit (once a week or even less often). Exercise solo (if you can stand it), and if you're trying a fitness class or going to a gym, avoid busy hours and try not to attend a class with people you know. Why the loner act? Think about this. You might be doing all you can to change, but the people around you still see you as the person you have been all along. Just being around familiar people and in familiar situations can force you back into the very thought and behavior patterns you're trying to break. I am not making this up: Drug and alcohol recovery programs often cut addicts off from family and friends for a period of time to help them wipe the slate clean and, in effect, start their lives over. The addict's situation is more extreme, of course, but when you think about it, there are a lot of parallels between what you're trying to do and what a recovering addict tries to do. You are shedding the image you've had of yourself for years—maybe all your life. You are learning how to act differently and think differently. You're trying to find new sources of fun and pleasure that don't revolve around food. You may be evolving into a new you, but your family and friends still think of you as the Fat Girl they know and love. You need space and time for your new habits to take hold so that you won't fall back into that old Fat Girl role.

I was lucky that I lived alone at the time of my Fat Girl to Former Fat Girl conversion. I decided what to keep in my pantry and fridge because I didn't have other non-wannabe Former Fat Girls to accommodate. I could get away with eating a light dinner. I didn't have to deal with kids who need Cheetos for their lunch boxes and want macaroni and cheese for dinner every night or a husband with a fetish for ice cream. That's what trips you up. It's too easy to slip a handful of Cheetos into your mouth when you're packing lunches and to polish off the leftover macaroni in the kitchen during cleanup. (Stay tuned for Secret #3. It will help you battle the urge to indulge and sneak.)

Keep it brief.

What you do with your life is your business. It's easy to feel that you need to offer information about your new exercise routine or your diet plan, but the truth is, you don't. Only allude to your journey if someone comments, and even in that case, avoid lengthy explanations. Just say in the most offhand, casual way that you went for a walk or you had a salad for dinner or whatever. Don't get into the whole “I'm going to change my life once and for all” thing. Just respond in as few words as possible and change the subject.

I'm not telling you to turn into an uncommunicative jerk. You should definitely use your better judgment so that you don't offend someone with your terseness. But recognize this: When you're a Fat Girl, you are wrapped up in your struggles with food, with your appetite, and with your body in ways that other people aren't. As curious as they might be about what other people order in a restaurant or whether their dinner guests really like the spinach soufflé, others don't have a 24-7 tape in their heads blaring a litany of everything they have eaten and why they shouldn't have eaten it. (Don't you wonder sometimes what they do think about?)

They are simply not as tuned in to the whole food thing as you are, and they're certainly not preoccupied with or even all that interested in your entire history of dieting. They don't expect you to put this new effort you're making into context and to expound on why this approach is better than the last one. So don't go there. If you do, you might end up embroiled in a discussion that can lead to, for instance, a debate on your approach to dieting or how often you should work out or whatever. And all that will do is make you doubt yourself. You don't need any more self-doubt than you already have.

Issue a gag order.

I know you might feel uneasy at the idea of keeping something so important from the people closest to you. Secrecy could have serious consequences, after all. You don't want your husband to think you're working up a sweat at the Motel 6 when you're really trudging on the treadmill at the Y, for example. But be careful when you break it to whoever you think really needs to know. Sit down with him face-to-face as if you're getting ready to have the most serious of conversations. Use whatever tone or body language you reserve for those heavy, deep, and real discussions so he knows you mean business. Tell him you're really determined this time and appreciate his concern and support. Ask him to let you bring up the subject when you want to talk about it. Assure him that you'll let him know how you're doing when you're ready. That might keep him from making comments and asking questions that he thinks are helpful and supportive but that you might hear as nagging or judgmental.

Remember, they mean well.

Despite all your best efforts, though, you will inevitably get into exactly the conversation you want to avoid, the one where you hear that so-and-so tried the diet you're on and
gained
thirty pounds; or that walking on the treadmill isn't enough—you
really
should lift weights, too; or that those meal-replacement bars you're eating have as many calories as half a turkey sandwich, so why don't you just eat one of those? You end up feeling as if you're doing this all wrong, that it's not going to happen, that it's too confusing to figure out, so why even try? But wait. Before you talk yourself out of this whole Former Fat Girl thing, remember: They are just trying to help. They are not out to sabotage you. They don't think you're weak. They have no idea how these kinds of “helpful” hints and suggestions affect you. Try to smile and nod, say thanks for the information, and ask them what's the first thing they would do if they were president or something equally as complicated. And if they persist in offering unsolicited and unwelcome advice, talk to them about it. Don't let it go on. You don't want anything to take your focus off your goals. Use the gag-order strategy outlined above, making sure to thank them for their advice and concern but letting them know you would prefer that they allow you to bring up the subject in the future. I know you are cringing at the idea that you would actually have to do this, but trust me: It's a great feeling to learn to speak your mind and confront such situations, and in most cases you'll get what you want out of it.

The Obstacle: How to Stay Motivated
Without Anyone to Support You

I'm asking you to get some distance from the people you normally rely on when you're having trouble coping and need a lift. So where do you turn if you can't go to them? Here are some ideas.

Former Fat Girl Fixes

Use the Internet.

Keeping your process to yourself is integral to becoming a Former Fat Girl, but I know it's hard to take on such a challenge completely on your own. You need to be able to tap into a support system to get you through tough times, and online communities for weight loss and exercise devotees are perfect for that. They can give you an emotional boost while preserving your anonymity. If you have ever visited a chat room, you know cyber relationships can become as dysfunctional as face-to-face ones. But your cyber supporters only know what you tell them. They are not around to see that your jeans aren't any looser than they were last week. They can't point at the wall clock and ask, “Isn't your Pilates class in two minutes? Why aren't you there?” Frankly, you don't even need to post anything yourself to get a lift from them. Just reading about what other group members are going through can underscore the fact that you're not in this alone. And you might even find yourself offering advice based on your experience, which can really boost your confidence (so maybe I'm not so bad at this after all!). You can find great communities through IVillage and WebMD and, of course, through my Web site, FormerFatGirl.com.