Screaming in the Silence (14 page)

Kaden sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. I shook my head and backed away from him. "Don't come any closer!" I held my hand up, as if that would stop him.

"I know," his eyes pleaded with me. "You have every right to be furious with me. But I stopped, Raleigh."

"I don't care that you stopped!" I hadn't screamed this much since my mother died and I was forced to live with my father. "Look at me, Kaden. This is me terrified of you! This is me feeling something you promised I would never feel again! This is me realizing that I would never, I could never be with you!"

"You don't mean that," he said, his face firm and demanding, seeing right through my lie.

"Like hell I don't. Do not touch me!" Kaden reached for me and I slapped his hand away.

"Don't do this, please. You know how much you mean to me."

"You're sick Kaden!" I shouted in his face, my tears drying as my anger swelled. "I mean nothing to you and this just proved it. All you care about is the control and power you have over me and I hate myself for giving that to you!"

"That's not true." His face softened and he reached for me again. I shook my head and reversed away from him until I felt the wall against my back.

"You're sick," I whispered again, pushing the hair from my eyes.

Kaden didn't say anything and took slow steps to close the distance between us. I looked away as he reached for me, blinking away new tears.

"Look at me," he said, turning my face toward his. He spoke slowly. "You mean everything to me."

I glared at him, pushing his hand from my face and turning so I could walk away. His arm flew in front of me, punching the wall as he blocked my way. I knew I was trapped, physically and emotionally. He wouldn't let me go until I had forgiven him. I wouldn't rest, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't function until I had forgiven him. I knew I shouldn't, I knew it was wrong. But I also knew I would give in.

I turned my head, almost afraid to look at him this time. Were those tears in his eyes? Was his lip trembling? I felt something break inside me and I collapsed to the ground. Had everything finally caught up to me? Was my body just giving up?

Kaden caught me in his strong arms and pulled me into his body.

"You promised," I cried into his chest. "You promised I didn't need to be afraid of you. I wanted to trust you. I wanted to believe that this could work…" but I couldn't continue. My sobs were choking me and I had to fight to breathe, my hands gripping his arms as tight as I could, afraid he would let go and I would fall through the floor, never to be seen again.

I finally allowed myself to rest against him, his arms wrapping around me and my sorrow in a protective vise. My body ached, my chest burned from the crying, my eyes were nearly swollen shut, and my head spun. I could feel Kaden's fingers running through my hair, his lips on the top of my head, his heart beating against my cheek. Could I really mean so much to this man? Could this mess of a human being in his arms be his everything? I was broken and desperate. Why could he possible want that?

We stayed on the floor of his room until I had calmed down. I didn't understand what had happened to me. Kaden had hurt me, upset me, driven me to my breaking point yet I still needed him. I needed him to help me work through my anger, needed him to hold me as I found the strength to forgive him, needed him to be by my side when I wanted to touch him again. My breathing became steady and my head felt light. My heart still beat erratically. He pushed me away from his chest and lifted my face to his. He softly kissed my lips and ran a light finger over my closed lids. Scared and embarrassed, I opened my eyes and looked at him. He was staring at me.

"Everything," he repeated. "You mean everything to me. And I'm sorry I hurt you."

My heart forced my head to nod in understanding while my better sense prevented my lips from speaking. Who knows what I would have said. I could have cursed him, professed my love, kissed him…anything. We stared at each other for a long time, his facial expression never faltering. I believed him. I believed that he considered me to be his everything. But that didn't mean I wasn't scared of what that meant.

"I should go downstairs," I said eventually, though I didn't move. Being away from Kaden might allow me to think straight.

Kaden shook his head, his eyes darting between mine, his brow furrowed with concern. "You're staying with me from now on. I'm not letting you leave my side with Ray threatening you."

"I don't want to know, do I?"

"I think you can guess."

I nodded and Kaden smiled, kissing me again. "I won't let that happen."

I took a few deep breaths and looked out the window. The rain cascaded down the glass, making it impossible to see anything. I wished my eyes could do the same, cry enough so Kaden couldn't see into my head. He seemed to know everything I was thinking. Even in my despair and madness, he could see everything.

His fingers turnied my face. "Come to bed. You should sleep."

I finally smiled. Sleep sounded perfect. Kaden helped me to my feet and walked me to the bed. He pulled the covers back for me and then wrapped me snug once I had climbed in. I turned onto my side and closed my eyes, feeling the mattress shake as Kaden lay down beside me. His arm wrapped around me, his hand finding mine beneath the covers and lacing our fingers together. I was asleep before I could appreciate the feeling.

I woke up in a dim room. Had it really happened? Had Ray discovered our secret? The pain in my throat and the throbbing behind my eyes told me it had. I took a deep breath and rolled over onto my back. Kaden was quick to notice, sitting up in bed and leaning over me in a protective, concerned sort of way.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I've been better."

He nodded, his lips pulling into a tight line and his jaw clenching.

"I'm so sorry," he said, reaching for my face and stroking the temple by my left eye. He bent down and I closed my eyes. He brushed a perfectly sweet kiss on my left eyelid before placing one more on my lips.

Why did he have to be so beautiful? Would decisions be easier if he was unfortunate looking? I didn't think they would. My feelings for Kaden, although confusing and admittedly self destructive, ran deeper than physical appearances. All the pain he caused me, all the terror I lived with, was nothing compared to the anxiety of not knowing what would happen if I were to find myself without him.

"Kiss me," I said quietly but quickly modified the request. "Kiss me like you would if we were free of this place. Kiss me like you would if you wanted me to believe you would never leave me."

The smile fell from his expression but his eyes remained pleased. One of his large hands came to my face, tucking my hair behind my ear and brushing my cheek.

"In a second I want you to close your eyes," he said. "I want you to pretend you are anywhere but here with me."

"Kaden…" I started to protest but a finger silenced my lips.

"Please? Please do this for me. If you still want me to kiss you when I'm done, then I will be more than happy to do so."

I nodded and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I felt his breath on my face, smelled the sweet aroma of cinnamon and relaxed, trying to imagine I was anywhere but in his room. Hands roamed my body, kisses fell randomly on my skin. I pictured myself in my room back in Dover, the pale yellow walls, the white linens and drapes. The sun was on me, streaming through the windows, and perhaps I was in bed with a former lover. But no one had explored me like this man had. No one had taken the time to learn my body like this one. He knew just where to kiss me, just where to touch me. I could feel the kisses on my ribs, his hands on my waist.

I tried again. Who was the blonde actor my girlfriends and I had fallen in love with over the summer? His acting had been less than stellar but his face had made up for it. But his lips hadn't been full like the ones kissing my skin. His eyelashes certainly weren't long enough to tickle my neck as he lightly bit down on my pulse.

No, no actor would do. It would have to be someone I knew. I tried to imagine Professor Vaughn, the incredibly good looking, incredibly brilliant history teacher from school. We had flirted so many times in his office after class. I always stopped by to get his lecture notes, pretending I hadn't caught all of his words that day. Back then I had imagined what it would be like to kiss Professor Vaughn, but never, even in my craziest fantasies, had he ever been this skilled. He just didn't seem like the type of man who knew how to take care of a woman. He would have let me be the dominant one. Kaden would never allow that. My pleasure seemed to now come before his and the way he touched me made me believe it always would, in and out of bed.

"Kaden?" I whispered, my vision still dark behind my lids. "Kiss me."

His lips slowly left my stomach and I felt him position himself above me. I kept my eyes closed, hoping he wouldn't try to speak to me, hoping he would just do as I asked. I felt his warm breath on the corner of my mouth just before he kissed me. He kissed my bottom lip, then my top lip, then finally sealed my lips with his. I felt Kaden's hand in my hair. Kaden's tongue lightly passing over mine. I felt Kaden's heart beating against my chest; the weight of Kaden's body securing me to the bed. I could imagine I was in my room back home; I could imagine I was on the beach in Florida; I could imagine I was in a luxurious hotel with the plush mattresses and expensive linens. But I could not imagine Kaden being anyone else other than Kaden. I was his. Totally and completely.

His kiss lingered long enough for me to shed a single tear of happiness and resolution. But he pulled away suddenly and my eyes flew open. His face turned towards the door and he strained to hear something.

"What is it?"

"Ray's back."

"What are you going to do?" I asked, reaching up and placing my palm against his cheek.

"Talk to him." He seemed to be encouraging himself to do something he was instinctively opposed to.

"I'll stay here," I suggested, not wanting to see what the two men would discuss.

"No." Kaden shook his head, reaching for my hand against his face and kissing my wrist before lowering my arm. "You'll come with me. I won't leave you alone, not with Marshal still around."

"Marshal wouldn't do a thing…"

"Raleigh," he interrupted me. "I wasn't giving you an option."

I glared at him but saw how distressed he looked.

"We'll finish this later," he said, quickly kissing the tip of my nose before pushing away from me and jumping out of bed. He opened a drawer of his dresser and tossed me a shirt, which I pulled on.

Kaden waited for me by the door, smiling. I had seen his genuine smile and this wasn't it. He was hiding something. Perhaps it was fear or anxiety. Whatever it was, it wasn't doing anything to calm my nerves. I tried to put on a brave face for him as I took his hand and followed him out of his room and downstairs.

I saw Marshal first. He sat on the couch, staring at the television, his arms and legs tense, his hands gripping one of the pillows on the couch. He looked me up and down, frowned when he saw my face, and then looked back at the TV.

I looked around the living room but Ray wasn't there. Marshal wouldn't look at me again which nearly broke my heart. I felt as if I owed him so much. He was prepared to give up everything for me and I could do nothing in return. Kaden's grip on my hand tightened and my gaze turned from Marshal. Ray was walking from the kitchen, his eyes red, a funny grin on his face. I could tell from his expression and the way he stumbled across the floor that he was drunk. That much wasn't surprising. What did surprise me was what followed him into the living room. She was young, maybe twenty-one or twenty-two, with long brown hair that hung straight to her waist. Her kind, blue eyes were lined with too much black make-up and her lips were a bright shade of red. She was tall, probably six or seven inches taller than me, but at least thirty pounds overweight, all of which spilled out of her tight jeans and cropped shirt. Her blue eyes sparkled and she smiled at both of us.

"Hey, I'm Carla," she said, extending her hand and taking a few steps in our direction.

I pulled my hand from Kaden's and reached for hers, not out of politeness but out of habit. "I'm Raleigh," I said, confused by the situation.

Carla smiled and I could smell the liquor on her breath. Kaden glared at Ray, his brows creased and his jaw clenched. I took a small step away from him so I could see what he would say.

"What the fuck are you doing, Ray?" Kaden didn't seem to mind that I wasn't at his side.

"Having a party," Ray smiled and held up a bottle of liquor. "Want a drink?"

I looked at Kaden. His arms were stiff at his side and he shook his head slowly.

"More for me and Carla, then. My pathetic excuse for a brother doesn't want any either." Ray rolled his eyes and took a swig from his bottle. I stared at him. His nonchalance was intimidating and I didn't know what he would do next. The bottle fell from his lips and he looked at Kaden with an annoyed expression. What had he said?

"Why else would I bring her back here?" Ray reached for Carla and pulled her close to him. His hands roamed over her back and he smacked her hard on her backside. Carla jumped but giggled and nuzzled into his chest.

"Speaking of," Ray looked away from Kaden and at the girl in his arms. "I think we should get upstairs."

Carla giggled again and started leading the way. Kaden allowed her to walk by but grabbed Ray's arm as he passed. I couldn't see what he was saying but Ray smiled.

"No, Kaden. You already fucked it up when you decided to develop feelings for her." His eyes glanced at me and his smile widened. "What did you do to her eye, anyway? I thought you cared for her."

Kaden released Ray's arm and I looked away. I didn't understand what Ray had been talking about. Kaden had done nothing to my eye and I reached for it, hoping to feel something wrong. But I felt nothing out of the ordinary and I dropped my hands, looking around and wondering what to do next. Kaden stared at me with a mixture of regret and hope.