Screaming in the Silence (25 page)

I felt more confident walking into the apartment for a second time, a paper bag under my arm. I prepared and ate my dinner without rush or ceremony, mostly trying to adjust to my life in Kaden's apartment.

When I was done, I knew it was time to reach out to him. He had been writing me for months and months, nearly a year, and had received nothing in return. His hopes and spirits were still high, that much I could tell. Wwhat would happen to him if he received a letter from me? Would it break him? Would it only encourage him further?

And the better question was what would happen to me if I wrote to him? It seemed obvious that I could depend on a letter from Kaden almost every week at the rate he had been writing. That was enough to get me through the days until I decided what I wanted, wasn't it? No, I wasn't fooling myself this time. I knew that I would write to him, I had to write to him. I had so many questions to ask, so much to say. I deserved answers.

I walked back to his room and picked up one of the notebooks, flipping to the back pages and finding a blank one. I crawled back into his bed, ready to compose. I wasn't going to commit to anything permanent, wasn't going to make promises I wasn't ready to keep.

Dear Kaden,

I arrived at your apartment earlier today. It's nothing like what I expected but I guess I didn't really have a strong idea of what I would find. And I've read all your letters. Again, not really what I expected but they seemed to be exactly what I needed.

The feeling of not knowing you is strange to me. I remember you and think about you as one person, but then I come here and my entire perception has changed. You had a life before me, a happy, wonderful life and I don't really understand why you allowed yourself to throw all that away. You'll probably tell me it's because I was worth it but I won't believe you - or I don't want to believe you. No one has loved me like you have. We have a strange and unconventional love and I am still struggling to understand it. It's funny how something so scary and foreign can grow to feel so amazing. Thinking about you, loving you the way that I do, it used to be terrifying but now it's almost liberating in a way. Does that make any sense?

I wish there was some way of seeing the future. These two or three years are going to pass quickly yet so much is going to happen. I'm not putting my life on hold for you, Kaden. I refuse to do that and I can't imagine you would want me to. I may learn to live without you. I may decide that is what is best for me. Or not. I might decide I need some part of you, need all of you. I suppose only time will tell and time is exactly what we have.

Do you remember when time was working against us? When you said that our time together was limited? I needed you so desperately then. You protected me and gave me reason to hope, showed me that I was still human. I hated myself for giving you that dominance but at the end of the day, I know that it was what I needed. Just as you needed to turn yourself in to save me, I needed to fall for you in order to save myself. I believe I would have withered away and died in that basement had it not been for you.

And I do blame you for ruining what we had. I had been prepared to run away with you, to start over and to trust you. But you took that from me. I was angry and hurt by what you did to me, to us. But what you did for Julie and what you did for Carla, that makes up for it. I'm still alive and breathing; they are not.

I suppose, in a way, what you did gave me a choice. I could feel it happening, you know? I could feel myself start to heal and I knew that with only a little persuasion, I could push you from my heart entirely. I doubt you will ever be pushed from my mind but I'm convinced I could learn not to love you. But, Kaden, I do want to believe that you are a person I should love, that somewhere inside of you there is a person who deserves me. Please don't believe that I want you to prove anything to me. I want to find it for myself and I'm not ashamed to say that I will be searching for it.

I don't know how long I will stay in
Paris
. I love this city and staying in the apartment where you used to live will make it terribly hard for me to leave. I'll be waiting for your letters and most likely re-reading all of the old ones until the pages have fallen apart. I don't want some declaration of love in your next letter. I don't want more confessions of guilt. I just want you to be you and to write from your heart and to wrrite for yourself and not for me because I have everything I need right here in your apartment.

I love you, Kaden. Against my better judgment and sense, I love you and I'm making the conscious decision to keep loving you until the day I die. But for right now, please keep sending me letters and we'll figure this out together. I have hope for us.

You have my heart,

Raleigh

Lydia Kelly grew up in Portland, Oregon where she lives with her husband. She attributes much of her creative inspiration to her friends and family who have always supported her every venture.
Screaming in the Silence
is her first novel and she is currently working on a series of young adults books.

If you enjoyed Screaming in the Silence, please consider supporting the book by leaving a review on Amazon.com. You can learn more about Screaming in the Silence at www.worldmakermedia.com/screaming.