Scarred (9 page)

Everyone took turns on night duty, it was the only way that was fair
, but Daryl, Mike and I always tried to work on the same nights. We worked well together and got on well. Everyone had been a bit wary of me in the beginning, with me being the cute blond Midwesterner. They thought I’d have some sort of attitude or something, but I already knew what they knew. I was no better than anyone else. I won over Daryl and Mike pretty easily by sharing care packages that my mom sent me every week. Daryl used to say that he never ate so many Oreos when he was back in the States and we would all laugh.

I liked to think of Daryl and Mike that way: laughing, singing and
stuffing their faces with Oreos. It was the only way to remember them. The doctor had told me that it was the only way for me to live a somewhat normal life. He said I had to try to forget the last night we all did night duty together. It’s funny how your brain can never forget the things you want it to forget the most. Try as you might, some things never seem to disappear. I bet if I got Alzheimer’s, there would still be certain memories that wouldn’t fade away. I didn’t want to forget. But I knew I had to. Daryl and Mike were both only children. Daryl’s parents had died in a car crash and that was why he joined the marines and Mike, well, Mike never knew his parents. We were three lost souls. And they were both better than me. They both deserved to have made the trip back. We had served our time, done our duty to our country.

I felt tears rolling down my face and I gulped. I wanted to sob and to scream and to shout
, but I didn’t want to scare the girl.
That stupid girl,
I thought to myself as I cried. Why couldn’t she just leave?

Chapter 9

The strange guy had started crying. I was sure of it. It made me feel embarrassed and tense. I wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t want to talk to me and so I was pretty sure that he didn’t want me to go over there to pat his back. And I didn’t want to go either. The alcohol was wearing off and I was actually pretty scared. I was lying in a field with a strange man just a few yards away from me. What if he tried to do something to
me? I felt panic rise up in me and I started to feel hot and cold flushes running through my body. What if he tried to attack me or, worse still, rape me?

I lay my head down and counted to ten as my heart raced. I tried to regulate my breathing and forget what it had felt like all those nights ago. I was a survivor. I was a survivor. I had to remember that. He hadn’t raped me. I was okay. I was okay. And I was okay now. Nothing was going to happen to me. The strange guy with the slightly familiar voice wasn’t going to do anything t
o me. He wasn’t a serial killer; he wasn’t a rapist. I bit my lip. I shouldn’t have come here by myself. Luke would kill me if he knew I had come by myself, he acted like he was my dad or very over protective brother. I know I gave him grief for it, but I loved him for it. I felt sadness that I had come here without him; I could do with his warm and comforting shoulder right now.

I heard the guy blowing his nose and I felt my heart go out to him. I could tell that he was trying to be as quiet as possible. He most probably didn’t want me to hear him crying.
I felt uncomfortable just sitting there—like I was a bad person—but I honestly didn’t know what to do. He hadn’t wanted to talk to me, so I doubted that he wanted me to come over and comfort him. Yet, there had been something in the way that he had spoken that had set my stomach aglow. He had a warm, deep lilt to his voice that was comforting, even though he wasn’t being particularly nice.

“Are you okay?” I whispered. I couldn’t stop myself. I felt like I would be a bad person if I didn’t even attempt to try
to help. The night fell even more silent. I knew that he had heard me, but he didn’t respond. I contemplated my next move. When I was younger, I had read a story from the bible about a Good Samaritan and we had sung a song in school that asked, “Would you walk by on the other side?” about people in different situations. I didn’t want to be the person who could have helped someone but didn’t. “I’m here to listen if you need someone.” My words carried through the night, seeming to echo in my ears over and over again.

“Tha
nks, but I’m fine,” he answered, slowly, as if he were trying to catch his breath.

“I doubt that
, but I understand. I tell my best friends that I am okay as well, but I’m not.” I sighed as I spoke. “I have soo many secrets from soo many people, that sometimes it feels as if I’m going to explode. I can barely keep up.”

“That does sound like a predicament.” His voice held amusement in it. “You’re not going to stop talking are you?”

“I can if you want?” I paused and waited for his answer. He took about a minute to reply. It seemed liked the longest minute of my life.

“You know, I was going to say no, I don’t want. But I think, I think I’d like you to continue. It helps to get my mind off of things.” He laughed ironically. “I came here to be alone
, but it seems as if that wasn’t to be tonight.”

“I come here to be alone as well.”

“I’ve never encountered anyone here before.”

“Me
neither.”

“H
ow long have you been coming?” we both asked, at the same time, and we both laughed. He had a nice laugh, smooth, deep and full. He wasn’t faking a chuckle but letting out a real emotion.

“I’ve been coming for about ten
years, since I was thirteen.” he said and my heart quickened. He was close to my age. And, if he was from Jonesville, it was likely that I knew him.

“I’ve been coming for six
years, since I was sixteen.” I spoke slowly, wondering if he was going to come to the same conclusion as me, that perhaps we knew each other.

“Oh, int
eresting.” He paused. “You’re twenty-two?”

“Yeah.”

“From Jonesville?”

“Yeah. You?”

“I’m from Jonesville as well.” He paused. “I’m twenty-three.”

We were both silent for a while. I knew he wa
s thinking what I was thinking—did we really want to reveal ourselves? It was kinda cool sitting here in the dark, talking to someone I didn’t know, revealing secrets that I would never tell anyone that I knew.

“I
guess we may know each other,” he continued.

“We don’t have to check.”

“No we don’t.” He sounded relieved.

“I don’t mind,
” I lied. I kinda wanted to know. I knew I wouldn’t be able to forget about it.

“So what’s your issue?” He changed the subject and I turned my face towards him, wishing I could see him.

“My mom,” I sighed. “There is something about our relationship that makes me feel soo guilty, every time I do something.”

“I know what you mean.” He sighed and I could tell that he empathized with me.

“Something happened a few years ago and she changed,” I sighed. “She used to be happy-go-lucky and carefree and we would always have fun, but it is like she is bipolar now.”

“My mom cries all night.” His voice was deep and dark and filled with regret. “She doesn’t know I can hear her
, but she sobs all night and by the morning she is happy and cheerful again.”

“I’m sorry.”

“She pretends that everything is okay and her marriage is okay. And my dad does the same.  But they barely talk. They barely look at each other.”

“My fath
er doesn’t give a shit about me,” I said, bitterly. “He got my mom pregnant in high school and he couldn’t give a shit. I thought it was because of my mom. I went to go find him a few years ago. And he still didn’t give a shit.”

“I’m sorry.” He paused. “That must have been painful.”

“It was.” A tear rolled down my face as my heart beat with sadness. “I’ve never told anyone that. Not Lu ... I mean my best friends ... not my mom. No one.”

“So you grew up without a dad?”

“Yeah. It didn’t matter much to me until recently.” The tears gushed out of my eyes. “But I thought he’d care, you know, once he saw me, what with me being his flesh and blood, but he was distant and cold. He has a real family now, real kids. He doesn’t care about me.”

“Having
a dad isn’t always the greatest,” he interjected. “I know that doesn’t make you feel better, but maybe it was a blessing in disguise.”

“I just wanted him to love me
. To know that someone loves me,” I gulped out.

“Your mom loves
you.”

“Yes, b
ut she’s broken now.” I turned onto my stomach and I couldn’t control the sobs that wracked my body. “I can do nothing right in her eyes anymore. I’m just a disappointment.” I sniffed the grass underneath my nose and tensed as I sensed him close to me.

“I’m sorry.” He placed a hand on my shoulder and rubbed it gently for a second. “I didn’t mean to bring up painful memories.”

“It’s okay.” I mumbled, my words muffled.

He sat down next to me and I felt him lie flat next to me. All I had to do was turn over and then I would see his face. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know who my midnight confidante was.

“My dad cheats on my mom.” He spoke slowly and surely, his words echoing silkily in my ears. He was so close to me. I could feel the edge of his body pressed up against mine slightly. “And she knows, but she pretends that she doesn’t.”

“That’s awful,
” I mumbled.

“
It’s life. I just want her to leave him.”

“And she won’t?”

“No,” he sighed. “You know, he has an image to protect. He won’t let her leave.”

My body tensed at his words and I felt my heart going out of control. Something about his words resonated in my mind. He has an image to protect. He has an image to protect. I felt my breath catch. I was pretty sure I knew who was lying down next to me. My skin started burning and I was aware of every part of his body that was lightly pressed against mine. I decided to ask another question
, to see if it was him. But I paused before I did. He might hate me for who I was, what I was.

“
I understand. My mom had a relationship with a man in a powerful position. She thought he was going to leave his wife for her, but he didn’t. It broke her.”

I heard him take a sharp intake of breath and I had a feeling that he knew. We were both silent for a moment, unsure of what to say.
I wasn’t sure if I should say his name. It was obvious to me that he didn’t want to be known. He had to know that everyone from Jonesville would recognize him if they saw him. I was surprised to hear that he knew about his dad. He had never shown that he knew, but then I guess I had never shown I knew either. Even Luke and Anna didn’t know what my mother had done.

“
Lexi?” His voice was soft, questioning, and I felt my heart skip a beat. He knew then, he knew about my mom. My cheeks flamed with shame and I felt my skin burning up.

“Bryce?” I slowly rolled over and stared at him. He was facing me and on his side so that
, when I rolled over, our eyes met and gazed into each other’s. We just lay there for a few minutes, staring at each other’s sad faces and I saw in him more than a handsome face. I saw a kindred spirit, a weakened spirit. I wondered why he had been crying; it couldn’t have just been because his dad was a cheat. His dad had been cheating for years.

“How are you
, Lexi?” He smiled at me sweetly and reached over and wiped a teardrop from my cheek. I felt my body shivering at his touch. I couldn’t believe I was here, in this moment, with Bryce Evans, the boy I had been in love with for years. He was a man now and I felt my heart expand as he leaned in closer to me. Our faces were nose to nose and he stared into my eyes deeply.

“I
guess I can see who you are now,” I joked and he smiled. “I’m doing okay, I’m guessing about the same as you.”

“I guess so.”

“I thought you’d be happy, in preparation for your party tomorrow.”

“I’m not terribly excited for a party.” He shrugged and sighed.

“Really, why not?” I questioned, surprised. Bryce was always the life of the party; at least, he had been in high school. Not that I’d ever been to many parties, but at the ones I had gone to he had reigned supreme.

“Not much to celebrate I suppose.” He grimaced and I wondered what was going on in his mind.

“Well, I’m looking forward to it.” I tried to make him feel better, but I knew it wasn’t really true. I much preferred this moment right now, lying next to him in my favorite spot, with it being just the two of us. I knew that he would barely have time for me at the party, what with Suzannah and Mary and all the other girls who wanted their hooks in him.

“I’m surprised you agreed to come.” He looked at me
, searchingly. “I wasn’t sure how you felt about me, after you know...”

“The night you saved me?” I said
, breathlessly, my heart in my mouth.

“I didn’t save you.” He looked away from me. “That was a bad night
, huh?”

“Yes.” I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about that moment. And what happened afterwards. I knew I shouldn’t blame myself
, but it was hard not to.