Scared of Beautiful (14 page)

She turns back to face me. “So…I’m sorry for skipping out on you like that. I needed to come back here to see Shana. I felt like I had to. Then I got to thinking, and most of what I learnt about music came from here. In this neighborhood. All that theory and shit took all the soul out of it.”

“Jade,” I say, holding up a hand. “There’s no need for an explanation.”

“There is. I should have told you about all this before I left. Maybe it would have been easier to digest.” Jade looks anxiously towards the door.

“Why?” I laugh. “Am I about to get myself tangled up in some baby mama drama?”

Jade laughs nervously. “Shana’s the straight, blonde equivalent of me. I wouldn’t go pissing her off. She’s really sweet, but she can battle with the best of them when she’s pissed.”

“Noted,” I reply, nodding. I feel so deflated knowing that Jade won’t be at Brown for the remainder of the semester, at least. And maybe not at all.

A small knock interrupts my thoughts and in walks the leggiest, most gorgeous blonde I have ever seen, hand in hand with the cutest little girl, full head of curls and all. Jackson is silent as they walk through the door. At first, he doesn’t even look up. He knows he has to face it. I really think he just doesn’t know how. The silence in the room is hanging over all of our heads, like one giant curtain.

Shana clears her throat and offering a small smile, breaks the silence. “Emmanuel asked to speak to you,” she says, looking at Jackson, but barely making eye contact. When she turns to glance in my direction, she sweeps her blonde hair over to one shoulder and shoots me a look of indifference, blended with pure, venomous hatred.

Oh, how I should have stayed in Providence.

Jackson

What the fuck does Emmanuel want?
I’m already wound up enough by this whole mess without having to deal with his stupid ass. But hey, it’s an out. I feel bad leaving Maia in the room with Jade and Shana, but Maia’s more than capable of holding her own, I’m sure. And unless Shana’s changed a hell of a lot since she left, which is possible, she’s not a troublemaker. I can’t stand what she did to me, but even I have to admit, she was never a bitch.

I walk out the screen door and Emmanuel is leaning against his Range. He straightens as I walk over. I don’t bother to hide my anger today. I’m in no mood, and this asshole disrespected both Maia and I yesterday. At least he looks straight and sober this morning. That’s a bonus. There’s always a first for everything.

When it becomes obvious that I’m not going to talk, Emmanuel does. “Jackson, man, look, I don’t remember much of last night, but I do remember being an asshole to you and the girl.”

“The girl has a name, it’s Maia,” I say through clenched teeth.
What the hell kind of apology was that?

“Right,” he continues. “I’m sorry man. I was just so stunned that you brought home a girlfriend. Before you left a few weeks ago, we were still discussing which chick you were putting the moves on next.”

“That was then,” I say abruptly.

“You know I wasn’t myself last night, and being polite has never been one of my strong points,” Emmanuel admits. “Anyway, can we squash it? It ain’t worth the fight.”

I think about his last words for a beat before answering. “Maia is worth it. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt ‘cause you were high as shit, and because we’ve been close for a long time. But if you ever disrespect her like that again, we’re gonna have an issue,” I say firmly. I don’t really care that Emmanuel is crazy, or that he has a pistol strapped to his back.

He nods, and then says, “We’re going to the club tonight. Since you’re only in town for a few days, hit it up with us. Now that you’re all Ivy League, who knows when we’ll see you again. Maia can come.”

I doubt Maia will even entertain the idea of voluntarily being in the general vicinity of Emmanuel again. “I’ll call you later,” I say. “I’d better get inside.”

“Yeah, you should. Now that you have all this baby mama drama, you better make sure that there’s no throwing down happening in there,” Emmanuel replies laughing. I shoot him a warning glance. He raises his arms in surrender. “My bad, I’m gonna go now, later.” I wait for him to pull off. I don’t really need to. I just don’t want to go inside.

To my surprise I hear Maia’s voice sounding quite animated and cheerful as I walk back in the house. “And what else do you know?” she asks.

A small, sweet voice answers her back. “Mommy says I have curly brown hair and that’s beautiful, but I think your hair’s pretty, even if it’s not curly.”

To my surprise, Daniella is sitting on Maia’s lap, twirling a piece of her hair in her small fingers. Despite the awkwardness that is about to ensue again, I smile at the sight. Maia looks up at me; her eyes connect with mine, and she smiles, too. Jade and Shana are standing against the counter just observing.

To my surprise, it’s Maia who breaks the silence. “You guys should probably talk.”

I presume she means Shana and I. Maia’s eyes betray her. She does her best to maintain a placid façade as she looks towards Shana, but I sense something more.
Envy? Jealousy?
I respect that she regards Daniella with such affection, given that I can clearly see that she doesn’t care too much for Shana. Shana, on the other hand, has never been particularly skilled in the art of subtlety, and throws Maia a dangerous glare. One that screams ‘mind your own fucking business’.
Who does Shana think she is? Did she miss the memo that she lost all rights to claim when she snuck out the back door?

“Jade, Daniella and I can hang out here.”

I nod, quick to turn towards the door. I get the distinct impression that my ex and my, well,
current
, need a few degrees of separation. As I do, I hear the screen door open.

This should be interesting.
Folks, you know Shana, the ex who ran off pregnant and Jade, the three ways divided best friend, and now meet Maia the new girlfriend and little Daniella, the long lost grandchild.
I rub my temples, the thought spinning in even my head. And I’m the reason they’re all here.

My mother walks into the kitchen and surveys the scene in front of her. My father walks in behind her and does the same. My parents are quite humble and peace-loving, so I presume they’re just thrilled that there isn’t a war in here. This time Daniella is the one who clears the awkwardness. She climbs off Maia’s lap and walks over to my parents.

“Mom says I’m meeting my grandparents. Are you them?” she asks.

My mother leans in to her and replies smiling, “I think we are.” Daniella lunges into her with a hug.

“I’m so excited,” she gushes. “I’ve never had grandparents before.”

Tears well in my mother’s eyes as Daniella detaches herself and then moves sideways to wrap her small arms around my father’s legs. The whole scene is heart warming. Clearly she doesn’t know that I’m her father, and I plan on keeping it that way until Shana and I speak. For whatever happened between us, I feel like I should still have some respect for her as Daniella’s mother. I just pray that after this weekend, Maia and I are in the same place we were when we left Providence.

Shana and I walk out onto the porch, leaving Jade, Maia, Daniella and my parents inside, getting ready to bake chocolate chip cookies. For a few minutes neither of us says anything.

“Jackson, I’m so sorry,” Shana says breaking the ice.

I try to be a hardass and stay mad, but I realize there’s no point. “I don’t need an apology,” I reply. “I’ve already grieved and gotten over what we had. I just want to know why. Didn’t you trust me? Didn’t I deserve to be involved? What, did you think I would make a shit father?”

“None of that is true, and you know it. You know my parents. You know what would have happened,” Shana answers, her eyes brimming with tears.

I’m slightly offended that she felt like she couldn’t be honest about what she wanted at the time. “We could have made it work. It’s too late for that now, but we could have. Did you really think you had better odds on your own in a strange city, pregnant and alone? What were you thinking? Cutting Jade and I off like that was stupid, not to mention cold.” I know I shouldn’t be so harsh, but right now harsh is all I got. I’m not gonna deny that seeing Shana stirs up a lot of bad feelings that I’d rather forget. “And not telling me about Daniella was a bitch move Shana, it really was.”

“I wasn’t thinking! I didn’t come here to fight,” she replies wiping her eyes. “I came here because I realized how much what I did hurt you and Jade, and like I said, I’m sorry.”

“Does she know I’m her father?” I ask looking out at the road.

“No,” Shana replies looking down. “But she doesn’t think anyone else is, either. I would never do that to you.”

I laugh sarcastically. “Never do that to me?”

Shana gets up to walk off. “This was a mistake,” she says dejectedly.

“Shana, wait.” I say, immediately regretting my last comment. She turns to face me. “You have to understand, for four years, my life was completely fucked up because of what you did. I loved you. And I can’t catch up on four years of Daniella’s life, and you took that away from me. I’m allowed to be angry. But we need to make this right. Maia didn’t ask to be dragged into this fucked up situation, either. So the sooner we resolve it, the better.”

Shana nods. “Maia seems nice,” she says, averting her eyes. “I’m glad you’re happy, you deserve it. Though she doesn’t really seem like your type.”

“She is,” I reply, “and I am. And I haven’t seen you in almost four years. How would you know my type? So what now?”

“First, we have to tell her,” Shana says. “The problem is, we live in California now. And you are at Brown.”

“Boy, you really were trying to get as far away from me as possible,” I say, stunned.

“I can’t move, even if I wanted to. My life is there: job, Daniella’s school, and my fiancée.” Shana looks down at the ground as she says the last part. I rub my temples.
California?
“Are you ready to get Daniella?” Shana asks.

“Sure,” I say, “but before we do, are we good? We need to be, to do this right.” She nods and smiles. I stand and give her a reassuring hug. No spark, not even the slightest hint of what I felt for Shana once upon a time is left. And for a fleeting moment, I wish it was Maia in my arms instead.

Daniella and Shana walk out holding hands. Shana’s already told her that there’s another surprise. I feel like I should have put a shirt on for this moment. But to me, it’s amazing, regardless of the attire. Daniella sits in front of me and stares at me with big, green flecked brown eyes. When I look at them, it’s like looking into my own eyes in a mirror.

“Daniella, this is Jackson. Jackson is your daddy,” Shana says gently.

Daniella’s face shows the slightest hint of confusion before it lights up in a smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Daniella,” I say gently reaching out a hand to her to shake. Instead she barrels into me and wraps her arms tightly around my neck.

“This is the best day ever! Mommy said I would meet you one day! She told me you were super nice,” she says grinning. A month ago, I didn’t even know she existed, but the feeling of her little arms around my neck is euphoric. I smile up at Shana, and a tear slides down her cheek.

“I’ll be inside,” she says, as Daniella and I sit and swing on the love seat on the porch.

She talks animatedly about school and her friends, favorite toys, her mother and Michael’s upcoming wedding, her role as flower girl. She laughs when I tell her I still go to school, too. She tells me that Maia is pretty and that I’m very lucky, which causes me to laugh out loud. Daniella is so bright and happy, and for all Shana’s faults with regards to me, Daniella is clearly very much loved. For that, to Shana I am grateful.

“Lunch!” my mother calls from the screen door.

“We’d better go before my new grandma gets mad,” she says, taking my hand.

We walk into the kitchen, where I burst into laughter when I see Maia wrestling with a piece of dough. My mother turns to me and says cheekily, “This one’s a keeper, after she spends a few more days with me in the kitchen learning, that is.” She winks, and Maia laughs, throwing her hands up.

“Guilty! I’m not very domestic.”

After the homemade quesadillas for lunch, courtesy of my mother and Maia, Shana, Jade, and Daniella say their goodbyes. We make a date to see them tomorrow for an ice cream, which causes Daniella to squeal with excitement. Maia, my parents, and I sit around the table casually chatting for the next hour. Maia handled herself so well today. If I wasn’t sure that I was in love with this girl before, I am now. My mother shares some of my less finer childhood moments with her, before Maia and I excuse ourselves to my room.

Maia doesn’t judge my modest childhood home at all. I admit, I was slightly embarrassed about her coming here after she had just bought an apartment in cash that could fit two of these houses. We lay on my bed, and Maia rests her head softly on my chest.

“Thank you,” I say, twisting tendrils of her hair between my fingers.