Scared of Beautiful (16 page)

Sitting at a booth in the back, Emmanuel lights up another joint, and passes it over to me. I stare down at his outstretched hands in contemplation. The vibe in this place is crazy, and all around me people are just letting loose dancing and laughing.
I can’t trust myself, I know I can’t
. But I take it anyway. The feeling of the thin roll between my fingers is familiar, too familiar. I pull back on the joint.
What harm can this do, just one, right?
Two blunts and a few more Coronas later, it starts to hit me. I vaguely remember Amber walking over to me. There is a distinct haze in my vision, and not from the smoky club. Moments before I pass out, I hear someone say ‘smile’. And I do.

* * *

My eyes open slowly, my head throbbing, and see the sun rising. I’m in the front seat of Emmanuel’s Range, and for once the music is off.
Thank fuck for that!
He’s rolling another joint and as I turn my head, I see a very exposed Amber sprawled across the back seat, makeup smeared down her face.

“Oh, the man of the night finally turns up!” Emmanuel cheers. Turning my head away from the private parts of stripper Amber, I see that we’re parked in front of my house, and all I can think is,
shit, Maia! I need to get him and that bitch out of here.
I scramble to do up my belt, which I have no recollection of undoing, and speed out of the car. Emmanuel takes that as his cue to leave, probably planning on having Amber for breakfast.

Thankfully the house is quiet, and I creep slowly to my bedroom avoiding the creaks in the wooden floor. Opening the door carefully, I audibly sigh in relief when I see that Maia is still asleep in my bed. She looks angelic. So trusting. Now, if only I knew what the fuck I did last night. Guilt and remorse flood through me. I never should have left in the first place.
Fucking Emmanuel
. The clock on the bedside reads 6:15, so I pull off my jeans and climb into bed with Maia, wrapping my arms around her waist and breathing in her scent. She turns slightly in response and curls her arms around mine. This right here, this is heaven.

Maia

Pretending to be asleep this morning when Jackson came in seemed like my easiest option. I don’t want to know what he did last night. I don’t want him to know that I spent most of the night awake, staring at the clock, and wondering when he was getting back. I know that I’m insecure, but there’s no reason he should know that. Opting out of comfortable PJ’s, I had chosen to sleep in my bra and panties, just in case. It wasn’t until 9:30 that he finally stirred.

I turned to face him, in time to see his face break into a sweet smile as he opens his eyes. “Morning, beautiful,” I whisper.

“Isn’t that my line?” he asks teasingly. Jackson’s hands wrap tenderly around my waist as he pulls me into him and kisses me deeply, with passion. My hips navigate towards him in response. I want to say ‘how was your night’; want to ask if he had a good time, but at the same time I don’t want to hear it. Don’t want to look at Jackson and wonder whether he’s telling me the truth or not. Just as he moves his hand to my breast we hear a small knock at the door and both scramble to cover ourselves.

As Jackson opens it, Daniella comes bounding into the room and jumps straight onto the bed, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Morning, she chides in her sweet little voice. “Morning, daddy,” she says with glee before jumping into his arms. A more loving child in the world, you couldn’t find. “Time for ice cream and the park, remember?” she continues, looking between us.

“I remember,” Jackson says softly. I smile to myself because I can picture us like this years from now. The little girl won’t be Daniella, but the moment will be just as perfect as this one.

After telling Daniella we’ll be right out after a shower, she goes happily skipping down the corridor to make pancakes with her newly found grandmother. I shower first and walk into the kitchen where Jade and Shana are sitting. A twinge of envy gnaws at me. I miss Jade, and I miss having someone to do everything with.
Hell, for a split second I even missed Morgan.

“Morning,” I say cheerfully as pour a cup of coffee, which I need seeing as my pretend eight hours of sleep last night was actually only about three.

While Shana and Daniella swiftly beat pancake batter, Jade and I walk out to the front porch. “So,” she says as we plant ourselves on the love seat, “things look like they’re going well.”

“I think so” I reply softly.

“Are you okay, I mean with all of this, with Shana and Daniella, this whole situation?” Jade looks at me, her green eyes brimming with concern.

I want to tell her everything, about how scared I am of falling in love with Jackson, how I wish it were just us we needed to worry about. But I don’t. “I’m happy for him, happy for us. I’m glad Daniella can be in his life,” I reply, less information means less of an opportunity for Jade to seek out my lies.

“He loves you. I mean, I’ve known Jackson a long time, and I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you,” she says tenderly. “Not even Shana.”

Jade knows me well, and the last part was for effect, to reassure me that a happy reunion is not something I should be concerned with. “I know, I just…”

Before I can reply I see Emmanuel’s Range pull up out the front. Emmanuel comes strolling up the path with what appears to be a much more elevated level of cockiness than his usual, or at least what I’ve seen so far. He greets us both before reaching into his pocket and pulling out Jackson’s phone. “Your man left this in my car, make sure he gets it. I put the pics from last night in there, a reminder of his last night in the hood.” With a wink, Emmanuel hands me the phone and walks back down the path.

“What was that about?” Jade asks.

“Not sure,” I reply absently. “They went out last night and Jackson must have dropped his phone in the car, that’s all.” I’m trying, while reassuring Jade, to convince myself that that
is
all.

“I don’t trust him,” Jade says staring down the path to where the offending Range Rover and its driver stood.

Looking down, I press the lock button and a picture pops onto the screen. I blink at first, hoping that what I’m seeing is an illusion, a picture of someone else, but it isn’t. Jackson is lounging, legs splayed out in a booth with a tramp in black leather shorts. There is a distinctly lazy smile on his face while the bitch’s head is firmly planted in his lap. This could have been from any other night. But I know it was last night. Because Jackson is dressed in exactly what he wore out. My head reels, tears sting at my eyes and my throat constricts. Jade, noticing my reaction, grabs the phone from my hand takes one look at the photo and storms into the house, slamming the screen door as she does.

I don’t move, my legs feel weak and my body is encased in a blessed numbness. The tears that threatened to flood from my eyes are no longer there. I should yell, scream, ask for an explanation, but I don’t want one. I want to leave, and I want to leave now. One problem, I have walk past Jackson in order to do so. Minutes later, the screen door opens and Daniella and Shana walk out. Shana looks at me with pity before saying goodbye, and telling me that it was nice to meet me.

Nice to meet me?
Wow, I must have really been a fool. Even she knew that I wouldn’t be around for long. Daniella walks over and gives me a gentle hug before leaving with her mother.

Eventually, after what feels like hours, I find the coordination to stand and walk inside. Behind Jackson’s closed bedroom door, I can hear Jade voice, raised and angry, laced with expletives. As I approach the door and the voices become clearer, and I stop.

“I don’t know!” I hear Jackson.

“You don’t know!” Jade sounds exasperated. “So I ask you why Amber the hooker’s head is in your lap last night and you don’t know? You know how hard it was for her to trust you? What the hell!?” I’ve never heard her so angry. Even through the door I can hear the quiver in her voice, as she fights to rein in her anger.

“Emmanuel gave me a blunt, it must have been laced with something else. I don’t remember any of this! I don’t know who took that photo, or any of the others!”
Others?
Thankfully I only saw the one, and that was enough to crush my heart. “I woke up in his truck outside the house with Amber in the back. That’s it!” Jackson sounds tortured. “I have to talk to Maia!” the urgency in his voice amps up a notch.

“No!” I hear Jade shout before a thump. “You’ve done enough! Where’s her shit!” I can only presume Jade’s packing my bag. The door flies open, and Jade storms out, her eyes becoming startled when she sees me standing there. “Let’s go,” she says softly before taking my hand. I glance over my shoulder. Jackson stares back at me, his eyes pleading with me to stay. He looks so broken, and for a fleeting moment I feel sorry for him, just before the image of the photo flashes in my mind. I turn and leave with Jade.

* * *

Not wanting me to stay in a strange apartment by myself, Jade offers to come back to Providence with me. I don’t cry the whole flight home. Jade doesn’t even attempt to start a conversation. I remember, as we pull up to the building, that the furniture hasn’t been delivered yet. Climbing the stairs to the apartment, I’m reminded of looking at it with Jackson. I can see the Clever Bean from my window. I laugh bitterly as I think of how many memories I have amassed in the short time that Jackson and I spent together. So many places I now have to avoid.

Jade lays a comforter on the bedroom floor and orders in Thai. My stomach baulks at the thought of food, and all I really want to do is sleep, close my eyes for as long as possible so that this feeling goes away.

The days roll on uneventfully. Jade deals with the furniture delivery, food shopping, and even arranges the furniture in the apartment. Which I’m sure Jade didn’t mind at all. I hand her my ATM card to buy a bed for the spare room, and whatever else this stupid place needs. I haven’t gone to my classes or even set foot on the Brown campus, for fear of seeing Jackson. And my diet consists of protein shakes, which Jade forces me to drink for fear that I’m soon going to become emaciated. Eventually after day 7 of my emotional and physical detachment from the real world, Jade opens my blinds and drags me, under protest, out to the lounge.

“What?” I say, genuinely irritated.

“Look!” She holds up a mirror, and I see myself for the first time in a week. The bags under my eyes are almost purple, my hair hangs limp and oily around my face, and my skin looks pasty and pale. The sight startles me a little, but I shrug it off.

“If you think you look bad, you should see Jackson,” Jade says simply, then looks up to gauge my reaction.
Where has she seen him? Is he back here?
I thought he would be locked in a Motel 6 with Amber the hooker somewhere.

“So, you are going to have a long shower, wash this,” she says lifting a strand of my hair with a disgusted expression, “and we’re going out for breakfast. You remember
out
, you went there once. As in out of the apartment.” I roll my eyes at her sarcasm, but follow the instruction.

We avoid the Bean entirely, clever thinking Jade, and make our way to a café a few shops down for breakfast. Amazingly, the outside world is still running the way it does, despite mine stopping.

“So, I spoke to Jackson,” Jade starts cautiously, as we’re scarfing down waffles.

“And.” I say feigning indifference, but she knows that my curiosity is piqued.

“He wants to talk to you, explain what happened. He says that he knows that nothing happened between him and Amber.”

My fork lands on my plate with a resounding clank. “Photographic evidence Jade, remember? Plus, you told me yourself that he wasn’t a one-woman guy when I first met him. Old habits die hard, and all that.”

“I also said that I have never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you,” she argues.

“I thought you believed that he was guilty. Why the sudden change of heart, why advocate for him now?” I ask, a little harsher than I intend.

“He’s telling the truth Maia, I know he is. He is totally and completely lost without you. Trust me, if I believed for even a second that something had happened with Amber, I would not be having this conversation with you.” Jade looks at me, green eyes pleading. “Just talk to him, please, for me. For the friend who unpacked a whole apartment full of
your
furniture alone, while you were sleeping.”

I laugh in spite of myself. My heart still aches from Jackson’s betrayal, but agreeing to talk to him has lifted an invisible weight that I didn’t know I was under. As we planned a day’s shopping over coffee, a familiar figure walked over to our table. Not Jackson, no such luck.

Bryce
. “Ladies,” he greets with his irritatingly nasal voice, which exudes pomp and arrogance.

“Bryce,” I nod back dismissively.

“I’ve missed you on campus Maia, been looking for you,” Bryce continues in a voice that I can only guess is supposed to be low and sexy, completely unperturbed by the fact that I’m not even looking at him.