Save Me (26 page)

“Go back to sleep. It’s still early. Too early to be awake.” Jay rolls over and slides under Noble’s arm, and closes his eyes.
Good night, my loves.

The sun is shining brightly as Jay buckles his seat belt and we pull out of the L-shed and down the lane. We wait for the train to pass and both Jay and I wave to the conductor. I have to remember to tell Stephanie about the train in my next letter. Why do I constantly justify him living with me?

The argument’s been won. He’s here. Home.

“We only have a few things to pick up. Bread, milk, yogurt for your crazy sister.” Jay laughs at my depiction of Kate. “Do you want to count?” I ask, and Jay nods.

“One, two, three, four, five…” I say the numbers and Jay nods his head between each one.

We park at the grocery store and I let Jay pick a cart. He decides to push it rather than ride in it and I warn him that we have to be careful about running into people, especially me. He ran it over my heels a few weeks ago and I cursed so loud they could hear me in the meat department.

I show Jay the list as we go down the aisles and we match the words on the food to the words on the list. I know he’s very smart. If he would just speak. I save Jay from running into several displays—I will never understand why they’re in the middle of the aisles—and slow him down when he goes too fast. He pleasantly switches gears with each reminder. He’s young, not mean.

I’m bent over, reading the labels on the milk gallons, when the cart lunges forward.

“Ow! Goddammit! What the hell?”

I look up to the beak face of Mrs. Harding as I straighten and pull Jay back to me, instinctively pushing him behind my thigh but never taking my hand off of him.

“I should have known,” she spews.

My complete, infernal hatred for the Hardings that’s been a part of my being since I first discovered Jay there wells up to my throat and I fight to not spit it on the matriarch of this hellish family. We stand in silence, glaring at each other as the shoppers around us stop and stare.

“You make me sick,” she spits out, and Jay walks around to the front of me, shielding me from her venom. “Walking around town like you’re doin’ somebody a favor. Like some martyr.”

I stay quiet. This is not the time or place. Jay should not hear any of this. What must he have heard living there? If this sets him back, I will kill her myself.

“Goin’ to church every weekend.” Mrs. Harding says it as if the sight of me in the house of the Lord grates on her every second of the week. “Holding your head high and the hand of that stupid husband of yours.”

Don’t fuck with Noble!
I’m losing my patience with this witch.

“When we all know you’re nothin’ but a whore.” She says each word slowly and practically spits
whore
in my face, and I have had enough.

“Oh yeah?”

She nods, affirming her argument.

“Well I’m the
whore
that’s raising your grandson.”

Jay and I stand firm, waiting for her to lash out. Mrs. Harding considers her response as the shoppers around us watch us forlornly.

“Hmmph,” she moans, and turns to walk away.

Jay pushes our cart and it rips into her heels again. I brace myself for the wrath.

“Disgusting little—”

“You get what you give. It’s called karma, lady,” I say, and take a deep breath as she leaves her cart by the milk and walks out of the store.

I bend down on one knee and look into the shining gray eyes of Jason Jr.

You’ve still got a little fight left in you.

“Are you okay, Jay?” I ask, and Jay nods and puts his arms around my neck to hug me. I rub his back, grateful he’s not upset, and try to stand. Thirty-five weeks of pregnancy has me a little off center and I struggle to get back to my feet.

Clint comes running from the cereal aisle. “Don’t get up, Charlotte,” he yells. When he reaches me, he supports my arm as he helps lift my balloon ass to my feet.

“You should have hit her,” he says.

I’ve never hit anyone in my life, I think. But I have. I hit Jason once. A long time ago in Texas. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I smile down at Jay and run my hand through his thick black hair.

“What’s up, tough guy? You protecting your mama?” Clint asks Jay, and he looks at me. We haven’t talked about my name or my relation to him.

“Thanks, Clint. We need to get home,” I say, and sigh. Clint helps us check out and carries our two small bags and Jay to my car. After I climb in, Clint shuts my door and waves as we pull out of the parking lot. This town might be too small for Jason and me, at least for our scandal. The Hardings can’t live forever, though. No one else seems to, why should they?

T
his baby won’t come out. I swear it’s because it hears Kate screeching and running around the house and knows its only hope is to stay safely inside my womb. I’m scheduled to be induced next Tuesday, a full eight days after my due date. It’s not soon enough. The summer heat is kicking in and only a few of my maternity clothes still fit. I am orca.

Noble brings home Jersey strawberries to cheer me. Kate, Jay, and I eat them until our fingers are stained red. Their sweet flavor improves my mood slightly. I can’t sleep. I can’t roll over. I can barely breathe. I’m trying to suffer in silence, but this really just sucks.

When I finally do go to bed, I am hot and wide awake. I listen to Noble as he sleeps next to me. We have made progress in this house. Jay sleeps through the night now with only his lantern and BJ to shelter him. Kate has slept through the night for a year. She has always appreciated a good night’s sleep. I hope this new baby is the same. Names run through my head in the darkness. Noble’s agreed to Noble if it’s a boy. He isn’t as big a fan of his name as I am, but I love it and I love him. I want our son to bear his name.

The girl name wasn’t as easy. It took us forever to settle on Kate’s. We didn’t even choose it really; my grandmother did for my mother. Noble doesn’t want Larissa after his mother and since Kate and Jay are both namesakes, I think we could use a little originality. In the end we decided to wait until we meet the baby to choose a name.

I have a name picked out, but I’m not telling him. I can tell whatever I suggest at this point he’s going to nix. I am strategically waiting until he has the baby in his arms to bring it up. Sneak, I know.

When the rest of the house finally wakes, I get to work and forget about my aching body. We have a big breakfast before sending Noble out to the fields. Kate, Jay, and I play in the yard without our shoes on as we wave good-bye to Noble. We kick some balls back and forth and blow bubbles to Kate’s delight as we drink in the warm sunshine. We frolic.

I grab juice boxes for the kids and when I turn around, Jay is facing Butch’s house, Marie’s now, and staring at it. Silently, as usual. Kate chases a butterfly. She tries to jump to reach it and always ends up on her bottom in the grass. She coos and calls, screeches, and even says the beginnings of a few words. And Jay says nothing.

I stand next to him, afraid I’ll never get up if I bend down.

“Do you remember Pops, Jay? Do you remember who used to live there?”

Jay wraps his arms around my thigh and buries his face in my leg.
Say something, Jay.

I ask Marie to come over and sit with Kate while she takes a nap. I tell Jay we’re going to visit some old friends as he and BJ climb into the car. BJ rides in the back with Jay. I see where I stand with him. We ride, listening to music, the few miles across town to the cemetery. Jay stares out the window and I wonder whether he remembers this place from Butch’s and Jason’s funerals. Is that possible? It’s been almost two years for both of them. He can’t remember.

I park in my now-familiar spot on the path of the cemetery and grab the flags off the front seat. I open Jay’s door and he climbs into my arms, but my belly is too big. I place him on the ground next to me. BJ wags his tail, waiting for his invitation.

“Not today, big guy.” I’m already unsure of this visit. I don’t need to test how scarring it is to watch your dog piss on your dad’s grave. We’ll save that for later. “Next time. You wait here. Protect the car.” I close the door on BJ.

“This is a cemetery,” I say, turning my attention to Jay as I hold his hand and walk through the graves. “For some people, when they die, their family picks a place to remember them forever. Each of the stones sticking up from the ground marks a loved one’s place.” Jay looks around the cemetery as we walk. He’s not frightened. He’s interested.

“When Pops died, there was a place chosen for him,” I say, and start to regret this decision. “And when your daddy died, we picked out a spot for him, too. They’re near each other.” We reach the graves and I let go of Jay’s hand.

 “Sometimes, people bring things they remember would make their loved one happy. Pops was a soldier, and very patriotic, so we brought him these flags.” Jay stays silent, as usual, but I can tell I haven’t lost him yet. I hand him a flag to place near Butch’s grave and demonstrate how to push it into the earth. Jay takes his from me and does the same.

“And for your daddy, I brought you because nothing ever made him happier than you did. He loved you very much,” I say, and walk toward Jason’s headstone still holding Jay’s hand. We step over Mrs. Leer’s grave but I don’t introduce her to Jay. We’ll save that for another day. I kneel down in front of Jason’s and run my hand over the letters engraved in the stone. I say each one as I touch it.

“J-A-S-O-N, spells Jason. That was your daddy’s name.” Jay places his tiny finger on the etched letters and my stomach clenches with disgust for Stephanie. How could she do this to her son?

“And sometimes we talk to our loved ones at these spots.” Jay looks quizzically at me. “They never talk back; we just want them to hear us. But I think your daddy hears us wherever we are, even if we don’t speak the words out loud.”

I sit back, crisscross apple sauce, and Jay turns and sits exactly the same next to me.

“I just came to say hi,” I say, and Jay seems to understand the person I’m speaking to is not with us. “And to tell you that I still love you and I miss you.” The words usher in the tears and I let them fall down my cheeks. “I’m glad you’re in heaven. I want you to be happy, especially if you’re not going to be with us.” I squeeze Jay’s shoulders and kiss the top of his head.

“I brought Jay. He’s big and strong and four years old now. I know you can see him up in heaven and you must be very proud because he’s awesome. He’s one of my most favorite people in the entire world. He and Kate are going to have a little brother or sister soon. I think it’s going to be a brother, but Noble swears it’s a girl,” I say, and lower my head. My heart aches for him. Jay raises his arm and threads his hand in my hair. When I look up, he is smiling at me.

I run my hands over the letters of his headstone again and say good-bye the same way I always do.

“I’ll love you until I see you again,” and think to myself,
You are still an asshole, though. I just cleaned it up for Jay.

I take a deep breath and exhale. For the first time, Jay’s confused.

“I loved your daddy. Very much. And I will love him forever.” Jay turns his attention to the headstone. “Confusing, huh? Apparently, we’re all capable of loving more than one person. Some people say it’s a tragedy, but Annie thinks it defines us.” Jay reaches up and touches my face, still not completely at ease.

“I love Noble, too,” I say, realizing he’s worried. “You and I, and Kate, and this new baby are very lucky to have Noble. He’s a great man.” Jay relaxes and hugs me and for the first time I don’t care if he speaks to me.

“Now, how are we going to get Annie back on her feet?” Jay should be worried. I shift to all fours and use Jason’s headstone for leverage in standing.
Please, God, do not let me push this over.
Jay pulls my arm and somehow I’m vertical again.

“I want to show you something.” I turn Jay away from the car and walk a few rows south. We stop in front of the graves of Kathryn and Jack O’Brien. “These are my parents’ graves. Jack is my daddy and Kathryn is my mom.” Jay looks up at me and back at the headstones. “You see, we have a lot in common. We both miss our parents.” I pull Jay close and kiss his head. “But we have each other.” Jay takes my hand and I know our time in the cemetery is done.

We walk hand in hand back to the Volvo, back to BJ. Jay accepts his kisses from BJ with his usual giggles. We weren’t even gone a half hour and never left the dog’s sight and he still acts as if we were lost for a month. I pull out of the cemetery and onto Route 40. When we get out of town, I peek into the rear seat. Jay stares out the window, thinking hard about something. I hope this visit wasn’t a mistake.

“I love you, Jay,” I say, the same way I have said it a thousand times since he’s come to me. I turn my eyes to the road and settle back in my seat for the last few miles home.

“Love you, Annie.”

It takes a few seconds for the words to register. That sweet little voice I haven’t heard in years pierces me with love, and instead of thinking straight, I try not to burst. I pull the car over to the shoulder and turn to Jay.

I smile into the backseat and will myself not to cry.

“You and I have lost a lot. But we’re together now for a reason, and that’s how it’s going to be. We’re a family…forever,” I say, beaming at Jay. He’s smiling, too, and I think we might actually be okay. We’re going to live. I pull back onto the road and stop at the train in front of our house. Jay unbuckles and moves his seat to be on the same side of the car as the train. He waves out the window to the engineer, who waves back. Jay stands up and leans into the front seat of the car.

“I know,” he says, and I can’t help myself. I start crying but keep the smile plastered on my face to not scare him.

“I love it when you talk to me, Jay,” I say, and he beams proudly. The train moves and we drive down the lane and park in the L-shed.

We’re home.