Save Me (25 page)

J
ay’s birthday is February first. It’s been four years since I was standing in Butch’s kitchen when he received the call announcing his birth. As I watch him lick the syrup off his fork, it’s impossible to believe the news ever made me sick.

I fold the letter to Stephanie and finish addressing the envelope to the Edna Mahan Facility. In the body of the letter are two pictures: one of Jay sleeping in his bed with BJ curled up next to him and one of him bundled up in his snowsuit making a snow angel. I lick the tacky strip and sense some type of discord within me. I realize I’m jealous of Stephanie. She is a witness to the sweetness of Jay, pictures sent every few weeks depicting his happy existence. She doesn’t have to hear his sobs in the middle of the night or his deafening silence throughout every waking hour.
Get a hold of yourself, Charlotte. You’re now jealous of the incarcerated?

BJ sits at the base of Jay’s chair and it reminds me of the way he used to always be at Butch’s feet. At the time, I thought it was to catch any morsels Butch was willing to share, but now I think he was protecting him, too. Protecting him from loneliness. What is he protecting Jay from? There’s nothing here that could hurt him.

Kate throws her sippy cup and it hits Jay. This is her favorite mealtime entertainment. When Jay picks it up, his eyes dance with playful revenge. I shake my head, knowing he has a lot more of his father in him than just his appearance. That’s okay. He’s going to need it. Jay throws the cup back at Kate and it hits her in the eye. She rubs it and surveys her tray for something else to throw at him.

“Okay, you two. That’s enough. We don’t throw things at each other.”

Noble comes into the room on the tail end of my latest pearl of wisdom I’m sharing with the two of them. He picks Kate’s cup off the ground and I know he’s considering throwing it at me.

“Noble,” I say, accusing him. “You need to be a good example.”

Both kids watch Noble with anticipation as he carries the cup to the sink. He buries his face in my neck, kissing me until I giggle. Jay and Kate laugh, too, and Kate bangs her tray, signifying she is through with her imprisonment. Noble ignores us all and continues to kiss me until I push him away. My neck still tingles from the touch of his lips and I peck him while I rub it.

I wipe off Kate’s face and hands and release her. Jay walks to the sink and Noble helps him wash his sticky fingers. We bought a step stool to help him reach, but I’m still afraid he’s going to mix up hot and cold. What he’s learned in a few short weeks amazes me. We’ve been counting and doing our ABCs. Well, I’ve been counting and doing my ABCs; Jay has been watching me, but I think it’s sinking in. I read him and Kate at least three stories every night, and when I’m tucking him in and we are lying in his comfy bed with BJ next to us, I read him one all his own. Jay loves books. If I’m able to step out of the sadness, I realize he loves just about everything.

I’ve been racking my brain on what to do for their birthdays. Kate would like an actual circus to pull up on the train and set up out back, I’m sure. Since Jay won’t talk, I have little to go on for what he’d like. I wish Kate’s had been first so Jay could see a birthday in action. I’m not sure if he’s ever been to a party or had one in his honor. At least not one since he could remember.

I hate the Hardings.

After lunch, Kate goes down for a nap and Noble takes Jay out to run errands with him. He loves to travel with Noble because he likes to sit up front in his truck. I watch as they pull out of the L-shed and onto the lane. There goes Jason Leer’s son with Noble Sinclair.

I finish wrapping Jay’s presents and leave them in a pile on the dining room table. The enormous stuffed horse looks absurd wrapped in red plaid paper with a giant red bow on it. We also got him a battery-operated lantern for his room, a set of binoculars, and a fleece-lined hoodie with a big J on the back. It’ll be interesting to see how Kate handles not being the center of attention tonight. I think having a sibling is imperative for her. Jay might save her from herself.

Michelle and Sean bring Lily over, and once Marie arrives it’s time to start the party. Jay seems shy until Lily forces him to play with her. I’m thankful to have her. Next to BJ and me, she seems to be the person Jay wants to be with the most. She holds his hand as they walk to her art table and begin drawing. Where Kate drags him by the hand, he and Lily are peers, first friends. Noble catches my eye as he places Kate’s pigtails in funny positions and makes her giggle. He was one of my first friends.

Noble looks up and warms me with his smile. Could he possibly know what I’m thinking? Noble has surprised me in the past, knowing and seeing more than I thought he did. He’s a wise man. He reminds me of my father, who never seemed to be bogged down by the details but always knew what was going on with us.

We turn off the lights as Jay stands on his chair in front of his cupcake. My arm is around his waist as I count
one
,
two
,
three
, nodding each time for Jay. He nods along with me, and we all sing to him as he beams in the spotlight. When we’re done singing, he’s unsure of what’s next.

“Close your eyes and make a wish, Jay. Something you want to come true,” I say, and swallow hard, pushing tears from my eyes. I hold Jay tight as he closes his eyes. He opens them and looks directly at me. “Now blow out the candle.”

Jay looks at his cupcake. I demonstrate blowing it out into the air and Jay turns and blows out his candle. Everyone claps and cheers and I catch Michelle’s eye in the group. She is as repulsed as I am by a four-year-old’s lack of experience with birthday wishes. She shakes her head.

“I don’t know how you’re doing this,” Michelle says as she helps me clean the table. Sean, Noble, and Marie are manning the living room and putting together Jay’s new toys as the kids furiously play with each one.

“I just wish he would talk to me,” I say, and cry.
Why is it so important?

“He will, but he doesn’t need to. You and he know what the other needs. You two don’t need to talk,” she says, and I cry for the loss of the one person this was always true of.

“Oh great. Who made the pregnant girl cry?” Noble asks as he walks into the room and right to me. I’m in his arms before either of us has a chance to answer.

Michelle comes over and rubs my back. “He’s going to be okay. He’s come so far already.”

I lean back and peer into the living room. Jay is sitting on the floor looking at Lily through his binoculars. BJ puts his nose right in front of the lens and Jay jumps in surprise. He giggles as BJ licks his face, finally absent of his new toy.

When I pull into the cemetery, BJ stands in the passenger seat and wags his tail.

“Why do you like coming here? You’d like going anywhere. It must be nice to be a dog,” I say, and BJ just stares at me, tail still wagging.

I park on the side of the path and grab the shamrock flags from the backseat. As I open my door, BJ whimpers and jumps on my lap.

“You’re not allowed,” I say, and he keeps his snout pointed toward the door, not breaking eye contact with his breakaway.

“Okay, but you have to stay on a leash.” Reaching down to the floor, I grab BJ’s leash. I find the ring on his collar and hook it to him. I take one last look around, not wanting to run into anyone in charge of the cemetery’s administration.

BJ and I place the flags on each of my parents’ graves. They always made St. Patty’s Day fun.
God, I wish you were here. Both of you. You would not believe what this life is turning out to be.

I mosey past Butch’s grave, and Mrs. Leer’s. I stop at Jason’s. I sit on the freezing ground; the cold seeps through the denim of my jeans. I stare mindlessly at his headstone. I’ve memorized it a hundred times over.

“Well, Jay is four and Kate is one…and you’re gone.” I will never accept it. Each day, his children’s age marks another he’s not here, but it will never sink in because he will always be with me.

BJ sniffs around the headstone. “BJ,” I caution, and he eyes me as he cocks his leg and pees on the corner of the stone.

“BJ says hi.” I roll my eyes and pull his leash. BJ cuddles in my lap. His work here is done.

“Jay won’t speak to me. He won’t speak to anyone. He’s happy, though. At least during the day he’s very happy. The nights are not quite as peaceful. He dreams a lot.” If Jason were alive, he would blame this on me, but in Jay’s case it has nothing to do with me. Maybe it’s karma.

“I usually spend at least part of each night sleeping with him, and then I dream a lot,” I say, and lower my head. “I dream of you.” I fight back the tears. “But you’re an asshole, so I usually wake up pissed off.” I run my hand across the grass, wishing this asshole were here with me.

“I want you here with me…with us. Jay would talk to you. He would love you even more than I did. If that’s possible.” I close my eyes and swallow, and a chill runs down the front of my chest.

I sit in silence, staring at the memorized words of the headstone, until BJ stands on my lap and licks my face. It’s time to go back. BJ knows it’s time to go home.

Until I see you again.

We go to church every week and I pray, beg really, for Jay to be okay. I want him to be whole again, and I know I’m asking a lot, but I can’t help myself. I am always so selfish when it comes to anything Jason Leer. I want him to run over and show me a bug he’s found. I want him to giggle. I want him to love life. But more than anything, I want him to speak. His lack of words is a wall he’s formed that I can’t take down. He’ll have to dismantle it himself, and every day I pray he speaks to me.

Jay wants no part of Sunday school. We drop off Kate in the day-care room and she immediately takes over, setting the tone for the party that’s now going to be taking place in child care during the service. Jay sits on my lap every Sunday. I hold him and point to the screen with the song lyrics during the service. One Sunday I thought he was going to sing, but he closed his lips without a word.

During confession, I open my eyes and see Jay’s eyes squeezed shut. What could he possibly have to confess? I shift in my seat. My eight-month-pregnant belly is difficult to sit with, especially with a four-year-old trying to cuddle there, too. Noble holds out both hands and Jay reaches up, wrapping his arms around Noble’s neck as Noble pulls him onto his lap. He pulls Jay back to his chest and holds him tight.

I revolve the vision of them in my mind. Noble threads his fingers together and places them on Jay’s lap, forming a safety belt around him. It may be the hormones, but in this very instant, Noble eclipses my father as the finest man I have ever known. I lower my head, the sight of them too much for me to contain my emotions.

“You are a mess,” Noble leans over and whispers in my ear.

I put my arm on the back of his chair and lean over to kiss him. Jay looks down at me and smiles. I pull his face to me and kiss him, too.

When I tuck Jay in, I lie back in his bed and read him a story. This one is about a little boy who believed he could fly, even though he was afraid to jump. When I finish, I close the book and place it in the book rack next to the bed. I inhale deeply. It’s becoming harder and harder to breathe.

Jay rolls toward me and places his hand on my belly. I watch him as he runs his hand over my basketball of a stomach from one side to the other. When he’s done, he looks up at me.

“It’s a baby in there,” I say, and Jay pats his hand. “We don’t know if it’s going to be a girl like Kate and Lily or a boy like you.” Jay’s curiosity drains from his face, leaving fear in its place. His hand slinks from my belly and I catch it and hold it there.

“No matter whether it’s a boy or a girl, you are going to be its big brother. You and Kate will have to take care of this little one. You’ll have to teach it everything you know. He, or she, is going to be the newest member of our—Jay and Annie’s—family.”

Jay’s concern is replaced by peace as BJ squirms up between us, his head in Jay’s armpit. I shake my head. This dog is too much.

“I’m going to leave you guys to go to sleep,” I say, and with great effort, sit up. I lean over, trying not to crush the two of them, and kiss Jay’s forehead.

“I love you, Jay,” I say as if my entire existence were designed to place me here at this moment. “I love you, too, BJ,” I say, and kiss his forehead as well.

I labor out of the bed and turn off the ceiling light. I turn on Jay’s night-light as I hear him switch on his lantern. I close the door all but a slit on my way back to Noble.

He helps me out of my maternity dress, or as I’ve been calling them lately my muumuus. I am a slow grazing cow, completely unable to do anything quickly. It won’t be much longer, though. A few more weeks and Noble’s and my child will join this mismatched clan. Life is insane.

Noble rubs my shoulders and kisses the back of my neck and the warmth of Noble spreads through me, quieting all my aches. He lays me down and makes love to me with the tenderness he reserves for me alone.

“Noble, I love you very much.”

“I know you do, Charlotte,” Noble says, and tightens his arms around me.

It’s not until 3:00 a.m. that we hear Jay crying. I roll over in bed and place my hand to my forehead.

“I’ll go,” Noble says, and gets out of bed. He pulls on his pajama pants and a T-shirt and leaves me in bed to go lie with Jay.

Thank you for Noble Sinclair.

I wake up again around five and reach out for Noble. He never came back to bed. I pull my muumuu over my head and tiptoe into Kate’s room. She is asleep in her crib with her stuffed rabbit in her arms. She’s smiling, and she looks like me without those gray eyes shining.

I close her door softly and walk across the hall to Jay’s room. I swing the door open a few inches and find the mountain of Noble asleep in Jay’s bed. I walk to the bed. Noble, BJ, and Jay are all lying next to each other. Jay is awake and smiling up at me as I sneak in for a closer look at my three favorite guys. I wink at him and kiss his cheek.