Save Me (21 page)

A
t six months, Kate is already pulling herself up. Marie says she’s going to walk early, possibly skip crawling altogether. Kate’s impatient with her limited mobility. She’s also impatient with smushed banana and pureed vegetables. She watches my sandwich as if she wants a bite. She nods toward it and I swear she could charm anyone out of anything. I pull off a tiny piece of the roll and hand it to her. Kate grabs it and shoves it in her mouth.

“You are a baby, right?” I ask, and Kate kicks her legs and bangs her cup on the tray of her high chair. I finish eating and glance out the window, waiting for Noble. It’s 12:30. Now that Kate’s with us, he tries to get home for lunch every day before her nap and I want her to finish lunch before he comes.

Kate grabs the last of her bananas and shoves them in her mouth as I wipe off the tray. She looks up at me with an ornery look in her eyes…her gray eyes.

Her gray eyes.

I drop the sponge and grab her chin, tilting her head toward the light. Her eyes sparkle defiantly at me. The same way her father’s always did.

“No,” I whisper, the words choking me. “No.” Kate reaches out and touches me as the tears run down my face.
You are the devil like your father.
I shake my head at Kate smiling up at me. I love her as much as her father…more.

What have we done?

The depravity of Jason and me, of what we were together, is looking me straight in the eye and I love her. Maybe even more because she’s my last link to him, but I can’t reconcile what Noble will now forever know I’m capable of. I rest my head on the side of the high chair and sob.

“Charlotte? Charlotte, what’s wrong?” Noble’s voice cuts me. How can I face him? How can I expect him to ever look at me again?

“I have to tell you something,” I say, and raise my head to face Noble, but his eyes are fixed on Kate’s. Marie walks in and freezes, the deep tension like quicksand around her legs. I stare at Noble, staring at Kate, who plays with her cup, oblivious to any drama. She tires of it and throws it over the side of her high chair as she leans over to watch it bounce.

“Marie, can you take Kate to your house?” I ask, still not taking my eyes off Noble. Marie unbuckles the baby and carries her out the back door without ever saying a word to any of us.

“Noble, I have to tell you something.”

“No,” he says, and I shake my head. He’s not going to let me off easy. I owe him the truth, from my mouth. “No. I have something to tell
you
,” he says, and I’m confused. Noble walks toward me and takes my face in his hands. He kisses me softly and wipes the tears from my face with his thumbs, and he lowers his arms to the counter behind me.

“Charlotte, after Butch died, Stephanie came to see me.” Her name, the thought of her near Noble, paralyzes me. “She told me she saw you and Jason at Stoners Lane the day Butch died.”

My breath catches as I review every image of Stoners Lane from that day, none of them containing a hint of anyone’s presence but Jason’s and my own.

“She said you fucked him.” Noble’s words are harsh. I remain completely still, unable to react to what he has known for months. Noble leans into me, his arms at my sides barricading me. “But in my head I heard that Jason attacked you because, like Stephanie, I couldn’t believe it was your choice, too.”

How could Noble have known this whole time? How could he still love me?

The ominous stab of guilt rises in my chest and lands in my throat. I swallow hard, but the ugliness won’t subside. My God, what has he been going through all this time? He knew at Butch’s funeral. He knew when he walked in on me and Jason in our kitchen. He knew the day Kate was born. I am atrocious. I steady myself, preparing to hear he is leaving me. How could he not? I’ve lost them both.

“I texted him from your phone,” Noble says, and my stomach begins to churn. Noble studies me as I try and keep up. He doesn’t look like my lovely Noble; he’s conflicted.

He takes a deep breath and fixes his eyes to mine. “I signed the text
Annie
,” Noble says, and I realize I’ve never grasped my husband’s duplicity. Noble can lie and keep secrets and still make love to me.

“Jason was ecstatic. He was hoping you would change your mind. He was surprised to hear from you.”

For once he listened. He believed me when I told him we were through.
I close my eyes, shut them tightly to hold back the tears. Noble was toying with him. It’s cruel.

“I let him believe it was you, and I arranged to meet him in the woods behind the back field.”

My glare freezes on Noble.

“What were you going to do?” I whisper. Noble stands six inches from me, but he’s somewhere far away. Gone inside his own mind, searching for answers. “Noble?”

“I don’t know.” He shakes his head; his eyes are dim with doubt. “I thought I was going to tell him to leave. I wanted him to know exactly what he did to you that August. The way your collarbones jutted from your chest, how you wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t talk to anyone. I wanted him to hear how your laughter was silenced and know what the world was like without your smile.”

“Oh, Noble,” I say, and lift my hands to his face. He takes both in his and kisses my fingertips.

“But I think I was going to kill him.” He’s stone-faced before me. Frozen in guilt and horror. I shake my head, denying his own accusation. “I do, Charlotte. I wanted him to die. Stephanie just got there first.”

I freeze, now realizing the source of his guilt. “She thought the text was from me,” I say, and Noble nods, admitting to the events he set in motion.

“Oh, Noble,” I say again, shaking my head. “You weren’t going to kill Jason.”

Noble’s arms drop to his sides and he hides his eyes from me. My tortured husband stands before me confessing a crime his heart would never allow him to commit. He’s everything good in this world. Only Jason and I could come close to destroying that.

“Noble, look at me.” His eyes are fixed on the ground. I take his face in my hands and raise them up. “Look at me.” I brush my lips across his, willing him to hear my next words. “A crazy person killed Jason. A hundred texts wouldn’t have caused his death. Stephanie killed him…not you.” There’s a slight shake of his head, still denying his innocence.

“When Butch was dying, I know you thought I was busy, that I didn’t notice what was going on. But I watched the two of you together, I listened to you cry, and I heard the love in your voice when you spoke of him.” Noble has spent months convincing himself he’s a murderer.

“I loved Jason. I still love him.” Noble lowers his eyes again and my heart practically breaks in two. I hold his face in my hands and force him to hear me. “But Jason and I were careening through life together trying to make sense without any faith outside of each other.” The sight of Noble is almost too much. He has to believe me. He has to know.

“With Jason, I was lost. With you, I am found. I’m meant to be with you now. I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with you. You are my best friend, and I love you more than anything in this world.” The tears stream down my face.

Noble wipes the tears from my cheeks and grabs my hand. He holds it against his chest, and I feel his heartbeat through his shirt. He is my gentle giant, incapable of the hatred he suggests.

“You could
never
do that.”

“I love you, Charlotte. I won’t ever lose you.” He says it as an argument. It’s his defense.

“Noble, you know who you are, and you know me. Better than I know myself, I think. We belong together.” He’s silent, searching his mind for absolution. When he looks at me, his eyes are deep pools of love, and my own guilt returns.

“About Kate…”

“I don’t need you to tell me anything. I love you. And I love Kate. I may not be her father, but she’s my daughter,” he says, and I wrap my arms around his back and pull him to me.

“You are her father,” I whisper in his ear and kiss his neck, and Noble holds me close. I rest my head against his shoulder and take a deep breath. There is nothing between us. Nothing will ever be between us again.

I could stay like this forever.

“I’m going to get her. It’s time for her nap and I want her home with us.” Noble kisses my lips and it reminds me of our wedding day. He steps back and a cool air surrounds me, replacing his warmth with the cruelty of Jason and I together. Noble walks out the door and I lower my face into my hands and sob.

I shouldn’t have taken care of Butch.

I should have let Butch fall on the church lawn when I saw him struggling there years ago.

I should have taken Jason back when he begged me to. I should have forgiven him.

I should have listened to my mother and never loved him in the first place.

I walk out the back door, avoiding Noble and Kate’s return. I walk away from the house and to the fields. The heavy August wind blows my hair off my face as the sun’s strength bears down on me and the soybeans waiting to be harvested. The plants sway, brushing against my legs, as the wind dances across the tops of them. I stand on the edge of God’s grace, a perfect crop growing at my feet, and the melody of “In the Garden” fills my ears. I want my mother. She would never have allowed any of this to happen if she was with us. I never knew sadness until I was forced into a world without her.

The song’s words pierce my thoughts and I remember standing next to my mother in the sanctuary as we sang this hymn, her voice more audible than my own. I listen as the entire hymn plays in my mind.

If He walks with me, how can He stand this trek? Is someone going to try and tell me this was part of a master plan? I take a deep breath, lost again. I close my eyes and pray.

Dear Lord,

I know it’s not for me to understand, but why in a million years would this happen? Why? Thank you for Kate, and Marie, and Sean, and Michelle, and Lily, and BJ…and thank you for Noble, but why?

What the fuck are you doing up there?

I open my eyes and search for the wind. The plants are still. The air is resting; the tide is turning.

What have we done?
Noble is one of the finest people I know and we had him thinking about killing someone. Is there a person alive immune to the destruction of Annie and Jason?

My God, Noble.
Jason and I deserved each other. Noble didn’t deserve any of this.

 “Charlotte,” Noble says as he wraps his arms around my shoulders and supports me from behind. I lean against him, always so sure he’s there. “Sometimes, when I see you praying, I pray for this conversation. It’s too much to be kept between us.” He holds me tight, my arms wrapped around his.

“I love you, Noble.”

“I know you do.”

S
o you were right about Noble,” I say, and sit down on the grass next to Jason’s headstone. “He is apparently not perfect.” I sigh and look up at the sky. It’s completely gray, with black clouds rolling in from the west. It’s probably already raining over the river.

“Or maybe you were wrong. You were wrong about so many things.” The silence is draining. I always wished he was more agreeable… “Or maybe Noble was perfect, and we ruined him. After all, I’ve never known two bigger assholes than us. What do you think?” I ask the grave stone, wishing it could answer. “It’s kind of crazy, in your short life, I know of three people who wanted to kill you.” Apparently one of them was capable of it.

“Kate’s yours.”

I hear the thunder in the distance and the wind picks up.

“But you already know that. You know everything, at least everything there is about me. You really are an ass, you know? A fertile one”—I shrug—“but still an ass.” I lay the flowers down by the headstone. “Two illegitimate children. No wonder my mother wanted me to stay away from you,” I say, and warm at the mention of my mother and Jason in the same sentence. “You’re a Lothario. A total hussy.” Lightning strikes. I get up and run to my car, not wanting to be struck dead near Jason’s grave. Oh how fitting for the two of us, but not for Noble. I close the door as the rain comes and BJ climbs into my lap.

“I need you to sit in your seat,” I say, and move him over. We drive home through the rain and park in the L-shed. We wait until the worst of it has passed, and BJ and I go to Marie’s to get Kate. I hold her a little tighter as we all walk home to Noble.

He smiles when we walk in and it’s the same smile I remember from third grade, and high school graduation, and the formals at Rutgers, and our wedding day. Thank you, God, for Noble Sinclair.

He takes Kate from my arms and showers her with the overflowing warmth of Noble. How will she ever leave this house if he keeps this up? We are the luckiest girls in the entire world. How did we ever end up with the love of Noble Sinclair?

Noble and I take Kate to the county fair. Instead of using the stroller, Noble insists on carrying her the entire time. I’m fine with it. I could watch his arms flex for the rest of my life, but she’s going to be the most spoiled child in the entire county. Noble and Marie don’t seem concerned at all.

We stop at the pig races and watch as one named SpongeBob comes in first place. I hold Kate while Noble wins the skillet-throwing contest, and we get her a balloon to celebrate. As we walk past the pony rides, Kate leans toward them and screeches. Noble and I stop walking and just look at each other. Kate is not appeased as Noble talks to her and tries to keep walking. In the end, he takes her on a pony. He walks next to her, holding her as she rides. She beams as if she was born to be on top of it. Noble and I make eye contact and he shakes his head kindly.

God help me, I cannot raise Jason Leer. I barely survived loving him.

Kate is delighted with the ponies and screams until Noble takes her one more time. As they go around in a circle, Mrs. Battaglia stands next to me at the fence.

“She’s a beautiful little girl, Charlotte.”

“Thank you.” I beam proudly at Kate and Noble.

“It’s her eyes. They’re so unique, almost gray.”

“I know. They’re atmospheric,” I say, and we both wave at Kate and Noble as they go by.

“You’re a lucky girl.”

“Yes, incredibly blessed.” I leave to meet Noble and Kate at the entrance of the pony rides. Kate is sad to leave, but abides. We walk to the front lawn and lay out our blanket. I sit between Noble’s legs, leaning back on him, Kate asleep on my chest. She sleeps right through the fireworks, undisturbed by the world. It is, after all, her world; we’re just living in it.

As we’re walking to the car, Stephanie’s sister and her two sons cross the parking and I need to know where Jay is. I’ve tried not to wonder. It’s none of my business, but not a day goes by that I don’t hope he’s well. I would love for him to meet Kate someday. They are, after all, brother and sister, but something tells me the Hardings are not going to be as excited about the idea.

Noble reads to Kate and puts her to bed. I take a shower and collapse on my pillow. Apparently the fair wore out both the Sinclair girls because I do not hear a peep from Kate. When Noble comes in, I cuddle in his arms and drift off to sleep.

My mother and Mrs. Leer are on Kate’s sides as they sit in the yard. Their blanket is the one we took to the fair, and the three of them are looking at something. When I get closer, I can see them. Kate has to be six or seven. She’s such a big girl, sitting here with her grandmothers.

The little bird catches my eye and ruins my mood. I want to pick Kate up and carry her home. I’m tired of this conversation, or lack of conversation, about the bird. It’s tragic. Life goes on, though. No one knows that better than me and I don’t want Kate bothered by this.

I glare at my mother as Kate picks up the bird. She holds it to her face and kisses the side of the bird. This is cruel.

My mother takes it from Kate and stands up in front of me. She is beautiful, smiling at me. The sight of her makes me want to cry.

“Say something, Mom,” I say, my voice cracking a little. “Say something.” My mother takes my hand and opens my palm. She places the blue bird in my hand and wraps the other around it.

“Charlotte, it’s a blue jay,” she says, and nods. It’s a blue jay…

It’s Jay.

My eyes fly open and I turn to Noble. I shake him awake.

“Noble. Noble, wake up.”

“What’s wrong?” he asks before his eyes fully open. “Are you okay? Kate?”

“We’re fine. Noble, the little blue bird in my dream, it’s Jay.” Noble sits up and looks at me. He doesn’t say a word, and his silence solidifies my thoughts. “I need to find Jay. I need to make sure he’s all right.”

My God, I’m sure of it. The little bird in my dreams is Jay. Where is he? My mind is chasing every thought I’ve had of him. Every piece of information I have about the Hardings. Why is he never at church? Where is he spending his days? He’s…how old is he now? He’s three years older than Kate. He must be three and a half. He should be in nursery school, going to music class, something. Kate has every adult within a fifty-foot radius of her making her life a fairy tale. What does Jay have?

Noble pulls me toward him and we lie back down.

“I’ll help you however I can,” he says, and falls back to sleep.

I can’t sleep, though. I have to find Jason Jr.