Save Me (17 page)

T
he burst of energy came yesterday. Butch actually spoke to us. He told us to stop goddamn staring at him, but he spoke. I let my mind linger on the lie this might actually turn around. He might live. Jason had no hope, rightfully so since the hospice nurse explained a final burst of energy is not uncommon. Why must the act of death be so common?

I pull the heated corn bag out of the microwave and take it into the family room. BJ is asleep next to Butch, cuddled on his bed. Jason is standing at the foot of the bed and Marie is curled up in the recliner, asleep. I curl Butch’s hand and fingers around the bag. His fingers are still cold. He would be bitching about it if he could speak. I hold my hand over his and try to warm them.

Butch begins to mumble something. Something I can’t understand and no one else in the room cares about.

“Butch. Butch, it’s okay. Whatever it is will be okay. We love you,” I say, and remember what a glorious place my mother is in. Another person leaving us here to carry on as they are granted eternal grace. This time, the memory doesn’t make me angry. I want Butch to be there. Anywhere but here, in this bed, at the mercy of morphine.

The mumbling stops and the world pauses. Butch is no longer breathing, no longer fighting. His eyes are open and his lips are parted slightly, but he is gone.

“Marie,” I say quietly, not wanting to scare her or disturb death in its work. “Marie.” Marie stirs in her chair. She sits up and finally focuses on me. “He’s gone,” I say, and the tears flood my eyes as Jason walks out of the house. “He’s gone.” Marie caresses Butch’s face. She closes his eyes and takes my hand from Butch’s.

“It’s an honor, Charlotte,” she says, and I begin to understand. “You’re a good girl. Butch adored you,” Marie says, and it’s more than I can handle. “But you know that.”

I need to find Jason.

“I have to go,” I say, and take one step back from Butch’s body.

“Be careful, dear,” Marie says, but the sound of her voice makes me sick.

His truck is gone. He’s left the farm. I take the Volvo and drive through town. I pass the Corner Bar and the two others in town, but there’s no sign of him. I drive past the church and Cowtown and Ollie’s house. He could be anywhere.

The orange barrel blocking the entry to Stoners Lane has been crushed and thrown to the side, and without pulling in, I know Jason is down there. I pause on the shoulder, trying to explain to myself what I’m about to do, how I think I can help. Because there’s nothing that can help this.

I pull onto Stoners Lane and sink into every hole in the path. Jason’s truck sits alone in the clearing with him in it. I park the Volvo next to his truck and watch him through my window. He stares straight ahead and I think I should leave. I can talk to him later, at the house. Maybe Noble will come with me. I shouldn’t disturb him. Everyone mourns differently. And then he looks at me and I burst into tears.
A lot of help I’m going to be.

I wipe the tears from my face and climb out of the Volvo and into Jason’s truck. He watches me silently as the door closes with a familiar groan. This old truck, Jason behind the steering wheel and me next to him…I turn my attention to the sky. The rain moved out this morning and a blanket of bright white clouds has filled in behind it. They are blowing past, rolling, with random slivers of blue sky sliced through the fabric. The sky is heavenly today.

So here we sit. For over two hours we sit three feet apart in silence. It’s always Jason that knows what to do, how to comfort me, but today he needs me to know and I know nothing. He and Butch were complicated. They lost each other when they lost Mrs. Leer and the tiny shreds of a relationship they were hanging on to weren’t enough to support a complete severance.

“Are you hungry?” I ask.
I am an idiot.

“No. I’m not hungry,” he says, and his voice floats through the car and lands in the center of my chest, caving it in a little.

There’s nothing I can do here.

“I’m going to go back. See if Marie needs any help.” I reach for the door handle and Jason roughly grabs my arm. He startles me. He hasn’t moved in hours. I look down at his grip as he loosens it slightly. Jason pulls me toward him but I pull my arm back.

“I can’t do this,” I say, and open the truck door. Before my feet are on the ground, Jason’s already standing in front of me. His dark eyes burning holes through me.

“Do what, Annie?”

“I can’t help you mourn your father and mourn him myself. I can’t love you and love Noble,” I say, gradually gaining the strength in my voice. “I can’t say good-bye or ask you to stay.”

“You can do anything.”

“I can’t do any of it!” My anger ignites. I try to walk around Jason, but he moves, barricading me here with him. “What do you want from me?” I yell. “You want me to fuck you? Here? Is that why you came here?” I am sickened and I don’t know what part of today is killing me. Jason leans into me and if I didn’t know better, I would think he hates me from the anger in his eyes.

“Isn’t that why you came here?” he asks.

“I don’t know why I’m here.”

“Yes, you do, Annie. You know. You’ve gotta know.” He pushes me back to the truck with a hand on each shoulder. I tilt my face to the sky and Jason buries his lips on my neck and drags them up to my ear, my skin electrified everywhere they touch. “You know.”

“Know what?” I ask, fighting for air. “I know everyone dies.” I run my hands through Jason’s thick hair and hold on for dear life. “I know I want you,” I say, and a sob catches in my throat.

Jason kisses me. He is rough and greedy and plotting to abscond with me and I can do nothing but savor the taste of him. I can’t pull him close enough to my body. He’ll never be inside of me the way I want him. He leans back, mere centimeters from my face. My past will destroy my future.

“I know my husband deserves better than this.”

Jason steps back, letting me go if I choose, but I left him once before and I almost died because of it. There has never been a way for Jason, Noble, and me to exist together. Not since I told Noble I love him. I inhale deeply, trying to center myself in a world rarely on its axis.

“After the funeral, I want you to leave Salem County,” I say, and Jason looks like he doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. “I mean it. You can’t stay here. We had our chance. Now I belong with Noble.”

“That’s not what you want.” His words are written across my heart.

“Forever.” He looks at me, gauging my honesty, my commitment to what’s right. “I want you to leave forever.” He glares at me, ready to rip my soul right out of my chest. To Jason I’m denying it and no longer deserve it. I let my eyes fall to the ground between us, unable to face him or what we have become.

My arm hurts where he grabbed me and my lip is cut a little. Both remind me of Jason and I never want them to heal. When I get home, I turn on the shower, as hot as the water will go, and I undress. I’ll never see Jason Leer naked again. He’ll never touch my skin, I think as I run my hand across my stomach. Jason will be gone soon, per my request; one more loved one vanished from my life. What kind of a life is this?

The water burns me as I step into the shower and I turn it back to cold a little. I stand with my back to the nozzle, questioning how Noble can even love me. How can I let him love me? And how can I let Jason go? Butch is with Mrs. Leer now. The thought of Butch starts the tears and I sob until I can no longer breathe. I cry as the water continues to pelt me. I crouch down in the shower and cry into my hands.

Noble opens the shower curtain slowly and the kindness in his eyes makes me sick. He turns off the water and wraps me in a towel. He carries me to our room and dries me off. All the while I cry. I whimper like a child facing her first punishment. Noble raises each arm to put my robe on me and sits me on the bed. He brushes my matted hair, without saying a word. What needs to be said?

“Noble, I don’t deserve you.”

“No one is deserving of someone else, Charlotte,” he says, and puts the brush back on my dresser. “Do you love me?”

His question makes me cry harder. “I do. I love you, Noble, and I don’t ever want to be without you.”

Noble sits next to me on the bed and takes me in his arms. “Then you won’t be. I promise.” He lays me down and covers me with our quilt. “I’m sorry about Butch,” I hear him say as I close my eyes and breathe in the strength that is Noble.

I
t wasn’t supposed to rain today, but it’s good. It will bring Jason some comfort. Everyone knows, “Happy is the dead the rain rains upon.”

“It’s a shame about the weather,” Noble says.
Maybe not everyone.
Noble hasn’t lost anyone yet.

Noble and I walk into the church and I pause. How many of these will I go to throughout my entire life? I step through the doorway of the sanctuary and my stomach churns with bitterness. I would give anything not to be here. Another father gone. Jason, Marie, and Jay are all sitting in the first row. Well, Jay is standing on his father’s lap, but they’re up there together.

“Do you want to sit with them? I’ll walk up there with you,” Noble offers. He holds me up in every way.

“No.”
We’re finished together. I can’t help him now.
“Where’s Stephanie Harding, though?”

“She’s not coming.”

I turn to Noble, shocked. I wasn’t expecting an answer.

“I saw her the other day. She seemed a bit pissed she wasn’t involved in Butch’s care.”

I shake my head in disgust. “Pissed off enough to leave Jason and Jay here alone?” As if on cue, Jay runs back and into my arms. I lift him up and he puts his head on my shoulder. I bury my nose in his hair. I’m going to miss this little boy when he goes back to Oklahoma. Noble and I walk Jay back to the front of the church, past the Hardings. Mr. Harding is overweight. He rests his crossed arms on his stomach and almost smiles as I pass. Mrs. Harding is an eighth the size of mister. She is small and thin, with short hair that’s curled in sections surrounding her head. Her face needs some sort of beak to complete it. She turns her eyes toward Jay and me and a scowl settles on her face. If you could shoot hatred across the room, I’d be dead. I think Mrs. Harding has impeccable aim. On the other side of Mrs. Harding is Stephanie’s sister, Janice. She has a baby in her arms and a small child by her side. All the babysitters are here. It seems as if the whole town is here, everyone except Stephanie. I put Jay down on the pew next to Jason and hug and kiss Marie. Jason stands and I hug him, too.

“I’m sorry,” I say, and we both know I’m apologizing for more than his father’s death. I turn to Noble and Jay pulls on the hem of my dress to sit by him. Noble sits down, leaving room for me between him and Jay. Noble is studying me with the strangest look. He has been for days. He’s watching me, probably waiting for me to have some critical breakdown. It’s as if he’s evaluating or analyzing me, or this situation.
It’s over. All of it. What’s left to figure out?

The service is a blur. I can’t believe Butch will never sit in this church again. Noble puts me in the car and drives me to the cemetery. I throw a rose on Butch’s casket with Jason and Marie, and I hope Butch is happy in heaven.

We drive back to the farm in silence, my hand unable to let go of Noble’s. I’m clinging to him more than ever before and it’s probably scaring him. Maybe that’s what he’s picking up. The sun comes out as we drive down the lane toward the tent on the side of the farmhouse. When Marie asked about having the luncheon on the farm, I wanted to offer to pay to have it anywhere but here. Now that we’re home, I’m glad I gave in. I can hide in my house if I have to.

Cars follow us down the lane, the death march of vehicles, and park on the side lawn. The sight of Butch’s house lodges in the back of my throat and I swallow hard to keep from crying. I walk directly to the tent. There are tables and chairs for one hundred people. I hope that’s enough. Sean has the firemen helping the elderly across the wet grass. Butch was young. Barely sixty.
What the fuck?

I peruse the food. Satisfied everything is where it should be, I look up to find Noble. He’s watching me. Even while speaking to other people, he never takes his eyes off me. The worry I put that guy through. It’s a miracle he hasn’t run away screaming. I owe him a honeymoon. As soon as I’m able to be awake all day, I’ll talk to him about it. I signal I’m going to the house to change my shoes. Noble nods and I escape to the house.

As soon as I’m safely in the kitchen, I take them off. I hold them in my hands and examine the black stitching around the opening. My funeral shoes, too conservative to wear anyplace with life. I hurl one against the refrigerator and pull back with the second, gunning for the oven.

“Nice aim.” Knowing it’s Jason behind me, I hang my head and lower my shoulders. “Don’t let me stop you. I wouldn’t want to wear them either.”

“Second worst day of your life?” I ask, turning to him.

“It’s hard to say. They’re adding up quick. But I got the impression you don’t care anymore, or at least you don’t want to care anymore.”

“I’ll never stop caring.”

“Will you stop loving me? Stop wanting me?”

“Probably not. We’ve been over this, though,” I say, unable to have this conversation again.

“Jay and I are going back to Oklahoma next week,” he says, and it’s a knife to the heart. “Unless you give me a reason to stay.”

“There’s no reason to give you.” I walk to the sink and stare out the window at the tent full of people in my backyard.

“It’s my understanding that if I want, I can live in Pop’s house.”

He can’t be serious. “Yes, that’s true, but you wouldn’t do that to me,” I say, and turn back to him.

“We’ve been here for months,” he says as if we’ve been one big cozy family.

“But your son’s mother has been absent. There’s too much history for one farm.”

“What if we lived here without her?” he asks, his eyes begging me for something I will not give.

“What good would that do? What are you thinking? My husband is not going to share me with you.” I think Jason is losing his mind.

“Jay is going to miss you, Annie.”

“I’m going to miss him, too.”

“And me, will you miss me?”

“I’ve become an expert at missing you. I can do it on one foot.” I smile at Jason because there’s nothing left but the memories of how it was when it wasn’t this. Jason moves closer to me and I put my hand out to stop him, to stop this. He holds it and runs his hands over mine softly. He closes his eyes as if in pain, and I can barely hold the space between us.

“Annie, you should be with me. I know I’ve said it a hundred times. When this moves to our past, you’ll see it.” I shake my head and try to pull my hand back, but he tightens his grasp. “Call me before I leave. Come see me. Go somewhere with me. Anything. Please, Annie, change your mind. Don’t do this to me…and to you.”

“If I was able to leave you at Stoners the other day, do you really think there’s another moment in time that will change my mind?” What we had is buried six feet underground, too.

“You have to believe.” Jason doesn’t listen. He never listens. “You have to change your mind.”

“Charlotte?” Noble’s voice breaks Jason’s hold on me and I take back my hand. Jason looks at me one last time before turning and walking out of my kitchen without so much as a glance in Noble’s direction.

“Change your mind about what?” Noble asks, but it doesn’t sound like his voice.

Noble is a stranger standing before me. I can’t begin to understand what’s going on in his head, and his wonderfully happy eyes are replaced with accusations and hatred.

 “Change my mind about spending time with Jay before they leave,” I say, and turn back to the window, hoping my lying is improving.

I take the bottle of Jack from the cabinet and find a small glass. I pour a shot and down it.

“Would you like a drink?” I ask Noble.

Noble looks at me with dead eyes. I miss his happy ones. Noble is always happy, but not today. Did he love Butch as much as I did?

Noble picks up the bottle and grabs a glass. He pours himself a shot and another one for me.

“Together forever, Charlotte,” he says, and clinks my glass before swallowing the whiskey. I lay my head on his shoulder and wrap my arm around his back.
Together forever.

I avoid the rest of the luncheon and hide in my kitchen doing shots with Noble. No one bothers us. The sun hasn’t even set when Noble carries me upstairs and helps me take off my dress. Even after a bottle of Jack I don’t recognize him. I want him, though. I want my old Noble back and I want the old Charlotte back. I want so many things time has taken from me.

I kiss Noble and the intensity of him rattles me. It shakes something free in my core and I need him to know that it’s him. It’s always going to be him.

“Noble.”

“Not now, Charlotte. I just need you now,” he says, and takes me like an animal on our bed. Will anything ever be the same again?