SafetyInNumbers-Final (15 page)

Owen didn’t dare open his mouth for fear of what twisted thing he would say next. That reaction was exactly why he didn’t want to talk. His crap was fucking with Chris’s head. Without another word, he pulled the door closed, erecting a barrier between them that he hoped wouldn’t turn into some dark metaphor for the state of their non-relationship. He had said no, whether because of some brain damage he didn’t know he had or simple exhaustion like Chris said, and now he had to suck it up.

With his disgusting clothes discarded, he looked at the closed door and had another terrifying thought. “You’re not gonna leave, are you?”

“Nope, I’m waiting right here for you.” Chris sounded close, like he was standing right outside the door in case he was needed.

Relieved that he hadn’t scared Chris away, he was able to shut off his brain and follow through with Chris’s command. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t meant it that way, thinking in those terms gave Owen something to accomplish. If he did it, Chris would be proud of him, and that made him feel better than anything else could. And, if the water was cold because of his malfunctioning brain, it only served to clear away some of the fuzziness that seemed to plague him lately.

By the time he cracked open the bathroom door, a towel slung low on his hips, he felt more focused. It must have shown on his face because Chris smiled immediately. “Better?”

“Yes, thank you.” He shuffled out and Chris stepped back to let him get to the dresser. It was tempting to just drop the towel, but he knew that would only twist Chris up again. Before that happened, he needed to fix his brain so that the words he meant were the words he spoke. He dug out a pair of sweats, shimmied them on under the towel, and pulled a t-shirt over his head. Once he was decent, he tossed the towel in the basket and hoped Chris would tell him what he should do next.

Chris only hesitated for a second before he gave him what he needed. “I think you need to sleep more than we need to talk. You have a big presentation tomorrow and need to be fully rested so you can nail it. I can stay if you want me to or I can leave you to it.”

Owen looked between Chris, the bed, and the door. He knew what he wanted—Chris holding him while he slept—but could he be trusted to say it? “Do you need the words or can I just show you?”

“I’ll need the words eventually, but for now I just want you to do what makes you comfortable.” That took all the pressure off the moment and gave him something to work toward. He might not be eager to rehash the past, but he really wanted to be able to express himself to Chris. He had to believe it would happen and that Chris would help him get there. For now, all he had to do was show Chris that he wanted him here tonight.

Owen crossed the room and took Chris’s hand to lead him toward the bed. Without letting go, he climbed under the covers and pulled Chris down beside him. He even went so far as to pull Chris’s arms around him as they settled against the pillows. His sigh of relief probably said more than any of his twisted words or deliberate actions combined, and Chris relaxed in response.

Sleep didn’t come as quickly as he expected, but not because he was afraid. He felt at peace listening to Chris breathe. Owen closed his eyes to focus on the rhythm and felt his own breathing shift to match. It made him feel connected in some way, like he was following Chris on every level. Whether it was real or imagined, the more he lay there just breathing with Chris, the clearer everything seemed to become.

Owen had been lost for so long, not just to his family but to himself, and he thought maybe Chris had been lost too. It always appeared as if the two brothers were relying on each other, protecting and supporting each other, but now Owen wondered if that was just what Chris wanted them—Liam included—to believe. Much like the safe place Saul built for Javier, their entire foundation was built on one person’s strength. The only way for that haven to remain secure was if Chris always appeared as strong as Liam needed him to be. If that was true, it would be impossible for Liam to see how lost Chris really was.

Now he’d set Liam free, and by doing so, he proved his trust in Billy. A relationship with Liam wasn’t something Billy would have believed himself capable of or deserving of before, but Chris’s validation made it possible. Did either of them see that Chris was still sacrificing himself by giving up the only family he had left? Not that the brothers would walk away from each other, but Chris would pull back to give Liam and Billy room to grow together.

Unless Owen could step up, fix himself, and be a functioning human being again, that would leave Chris completely alone. He wasn’t crazy, his brain wasn’t damaged, and he wasn’t spinning some fantasy to suit his delusions. Owen’s clarity came from knowing that Chris was exactly the type of man who would take the control he so readily offered. But Chris didn’t want another broken man to put in a bubble, he wanted a partner who would work just as hard for their mutual happiness.

“I won’t let you down,” Owen whispered. Chris’s arms tightened and he mumbled in his sleep. That was okay. Whether Chris consciously heard his promise or not, he was not going to fail. His track record might say otherwise, but nothing had ever been as important as this.

Chapter 13

Chris

“Word around the watercooler is that something big happened while we were gone.” Bull leaned against the car Chris was working on with Jacky and made a show of looking around the garage before those all-knowing eyes settled on him. “The old biddy network usually can’t wait to share the details, but they were uncharacteristically vague this time. You got any idea what it might be?”

Chris stood and wiped off his hands, aware that everyone was watching them. Bull and Red had been in New York for the last ten days, a business trip turned into an extended vacation, and were unaware of all changes happening here at home. Since Saul became a partner in the garage, Bull had been gradually pulling back. It wasn’t as dramatic a change as it sounded because they were all used to Saul or Billy stepping up in Bull’s absence, but Chris missed seeing him every day.

The list of things Bull had done for him was endless, a debt he could never repay, and he often struggled with the feelings Bull inspired in him. He objected to viewing Bull as a father figure, yet he was the very definition of the kind of parent they all wished they had. So, yeah, Ty was probably right in saying that he saw Bull as a father figure. He knew for sure that he loved and respected him tremendously.

“Well, the old biddies might be trying to distract you from the hickeys they’re both sporting.” Chris smirked when both Billy and Liam flipped him off simultaneously.

“Too obvious.” Bull stroked his chin thoughtfully before grabbing him up in a tight hug. “It’s good to hear your voice, Chris. Damned good.”

After being forced to talk in order to help Red, he knew they were all disappointed when he immediately clammed up. He’d done what he had to do for his friend and he didn’t regret it, but it wasn’t the right time for him to give up his silence. This time, it was his decision and that made all the difference.

“It feels good. Strange, but good,” he admitted, holding on as long as he could. So far, he’d been picking his conversations and choosing his words with the residual caution that had kept him silent for so long. Now he just wanted to drag Bull off to a quiet corner and talk for hours. That surprised him enough that he pulled away and tried to get himself in check. “So, yeah, that’s the big news. I found my voice and Billy found Liam’s bed. Never a dull moment, huh?”

Bull saw right through him, he was sure of it. “That must make nights at Casa de Alvarez fun.”

“Sure, you could call it that.” Chris didn’t know where to take the conversation from there and Bull seemed to be waiting for more. Were they going to make small talk now? “Uh, where’s Red? How was your trip?”

“He’s upstairs. Can you take a break? He’d love to hear the big news directly from you.” Bull glanced at Jacky. “Can you spare him for a little while?”

Chris tried to give Jacky the eye, the don’t-you-dare-say-yes eye, and was totally ignored. “Yes, please, take the big guy. The two of us don’t fit in this engine.”

Bull just laughed as if he hadn’t seen Chris’s panicked look and gestured for him to follow. There was really no reason for him to go upstairs to talk to Red. Their friend wouldn’t come home after ten days and not stop in the garage to say hello. This not-so-subtle bid to get him upstairs made him feel like he’d done something wrong, which was all sorts of screwed up. He not only knew he hadn’t, he knew Bull didn’t mean it that way.

“Red should be off the phone soon. Have a seat.” Bull indicated a chair on his way to the fridge. “Want something to drink? The sisters promised to restock the fridge, but they’re both on this shake diet thing, so there’s no telling what they bought.”

“Don’t even bother,” Red called as he came in from the back office, stopping Bull before he could open the door. “Unless you’ve suddenly developed a craving for almond milk and kale.”

Chris snickered at the horror on both their faces and asked, “Why didn’t you have Owen do it? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know what either of those things are.”

“That’s for damn su….” Red stopped mid-word and just stared. It was cute and awkward at the same time. “Holy shit! Oh my...what the...shit, come here!”

Chris let Red pull him into a bone-crushing hug and met Bull’s smile across the room. A sniffle reached his ears and Red’s arms tightened even more. “Hey, come on, don’t do that.”

“I’m not...I won’t...shit.” Red eased back and sniffled again. “I’m good, I promise. It’s just really wonderful to hear your voice. I missed it the first time and...well, anyway, sit, please. We want to hear everything.”

“Like everything from the beginning of time or just since you’ve been gone?” Chris teased as he took a seat. This was fun. “Because one could take a really long time and I’m still on the clock.”

“Damn, another smart ass.” Red grinned as he pushed Bull into the other chair and sat in his lap. “I don’t even know where to start or what to ask.”

Bull hugged Red close, soothing the emotions that threatened to overwhelm all of them, and gave Chris an affectionate smile. “I guess you’ve been hearing this a lot, but I’ve been waiting a long time to talk to you, so you’ll have to tell me if we’re putting too much pressure on you here.”

“No, it’s not that. Truth is, I realized downstairs that I’ve been wanting to talk to you too.” Chris looked over at Red and rushed to say, “And you. It’s just that I’ve really been wanting to thank Bull for everything he’s done for me and Liam.”

“I totally understand that, and if you guys want some time alone, I won’t be offended,” Red promised and Chris knew he meant it, but he had stopped thinking of Bull without Red. There was nothing he was going to say that Red couldn’t hear directly and no assumption that Bull would keep secrets from his husband. They just belonged together and that was that.

“No, I’m glad you’re here.” Which was also true. Red had done everything possible to befriend him despite his silence and that meant a lot to him. “You went out of your way to learn how to communicate with me, even when it was uncomfortable for you, and I really appreciated it.”

When Red sniffled again, Bull just grinned. “Not exactly the way to get him to stop, Chris.”

“Yeah, I know.” He wouldn’t apologize because he meant every word and was really glad to be expressing them out loud. They could have given up on him a long time ago and then he never would have had this chance. “So, uh, I guess you want to know what changed.”

“If you’re comfortable telling us, then yes, we definitely want to know what changed,” Bull agreed.

“Right. Well.” He wasn’t sure if he was comfortable or not, he just knew he couldn’t sit. It didn’t help that they just waited patiently when he started pacing around the room. “Your brother changed things. Every night he wakes up from these horrible dreams and he can’t go back to sleep, so he goes down to the gym to work out. I honestly can’t remember one night since he moved in that he slept a full night. I don’t know how he’s even functioning and when I think about him living on his own, fighting the nightmares by himself...Bull, that scares the crap out of me.”

“It scares the crap out of me too, but he won’t talk to me,” Bull admitted and it wasn’t anything Chris didn’t already know. “I know you feel protective of the three of them, but please don’t tell me you made this decision to help Owen.”

“Why would that be wrong? He’s your brother.” Chris was completely taken aback by Bull’s reaction. The man had the biggest heart of anyone he knew and he’d been trying to help Owen for longer than Chris had known the Connors.

“He is. I love him and hope that he finds peace, I really do.” Bull sounded sincere, but the two responses just didn’t go together. “Chris, how can you not know that you are also my brother? That I love you and only want you to find peace. When I heard you talk downstairs, I hoped you came to the decision for yourself, not for Owen or even Liam.”

“I…” He didn’t really know how to answer that. Sure, they considered themselves a family, but shouldn’t Bull’s flesh and blood family mean more to him than his adopted family of misfits?

“I think I had that exact look on my face when I realized that Bull’s definition of family doesn’t change depending on which people he’s referring to.” Red spoke softly, almost as if he didn’t want to spook him, and as dazed as Chris felt, that was a good possibility. “Sometimes I still pinch myself.”