SafetyInNumbers-Final (19 page)

Billy looked like he’d been slapped and Liam’s heart broke for both of them. For all the anger and insults, all the refusals to even see Billy, it was obvious Robbie and Tim wanted their brother to be there for them. It sucked that it happened under these circumstances and that they felt they had to embellish an already bad situation, but he would make sure they walked away from this knowing the Billy he knew.

“You know better now, right, Tim?” Liam asked. He needed Tim to say it out loud so Billy could hear it and start believing it. “No matter what you do, no matter how many times you turn him away, your brother isn’t going to walk away from you.”

“I believe you.” Tim sounded sincere and that felt like another step in the right direction. “And, if you’re still willing, Mr. Flynn, I’d like you to represent me. I haven’t got any money right now…”

“It’s taken care of this time. As long as there isn’t a next time, your bill with me is paid.”

“Thank you.” Tim smiled a little and looked back at his brother. “Thanking you doesn’t feel right. I was wrong to think you wouldn’t help and I’m sorry for that. We both made mistakes and lost so much time, but if you’re willing to give me a chance, I’m willing to give you one.”

“Well, you’ll be a captive audience for the next two to three years, so we’ll have plenty of time to catch up.” Billy grinned when Kieran smacked his shoulder. “What? Too soon?”

“You’re an ass,” Tim grumbled, but then he was laughing and Billy was laughing, and that was the biggest step of them all.

“All right, our time’s just about up here and I need to get this paperwork put together.” Kieran stood and gestured for them to do the same. “Tim, I’ll be back in the morning to go over everything before I bring it to the DA. Billy put some money on the books for you. Get what you need from the commissary, but don’t draw attention to your funds. Do you have any questions?”

Instead of looking at Kieran or Billy, Tim looked directly at Liam and said, “You never did tell me who you were.”

“How about I tell you the next time Billy and I visit?” Liam asked and tried to smile reassuringly when Tim nodded.

Kieran led the way out into the hall and, at the last second, Liam turned to look back. Billy was right there to stop him. He didn’t say it, but Liam knew he was right. Looking back wasn’t going to help him and it wouldn’t help Tim to see it. Whether anyone liked it or not, he had to learn to survive starting now.

They were all deep in their own thoughts as they walked out of the detention center and they didn’t speak until they were at Kieran’s car. He threw his briefcase in the backseat, then leaned against the quarter panel and looked at Liam in exasperation. “You were all over the place in there. I get that you’re trying to be supportive, but I don’t think this was a good idea.”

“Then I’ll have to get over it because I just promised that kid I’d visit again and I intend to follow through.” Liam hated that they thought he couldn’t handle it. Sure, his mind wandered occasionally and a few memories slipped in, but he got through it and he supported Billy. All in all, Liam felt stronger for having done it and confident that he could go with Billy when he visited again. “I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I really am okay.”

Kieran didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t argue the point. Instead, he gave his attention to Billy and said, “All right, I still technically can’t talk about this case with you since I didn’t get authorization from Tim. I’ll do that in the morning and then I’ll reach out to your mother personally. Nothing will get better if you’re the one delivering the bad news, so just let me handle all of the legal issues, and you work on being the supportive son.”

“I appreciate that, Kieran, but I don’t want to make her wait another night for news.”

“It may seem cruel to make her wait till morning, but it would be worse if she got her hopes up over something you said.”

“You’re right.” Billy offered his hand and pulled Kieran in for a hug. “I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for my family. You know where to send the bill.”

“Sure, I’ll get on that right after I write up yours.” Kieran let Billy go and reached for Liam. “And yours.”

It was the perfect opening, but Liam didn’t ask the question had seemed so important an hour ago. Kieran’s time was better served helping Tim and the people who needed him now, just as he once helped them. Liam wasn’t going to waste another minute of the future Kieran gave them by living in the past.

Chapter 16

September 4, 2015 - Owen

“This was a good idea.” Chris smiled at him before giving his attention to the road. “I’ve never been to Key West.”

Owen knew that because he asked Liam for advice when he realized he had the full three days off over Labor Day weekend. It was so rare that he allowed himself that much downtime. When everyone around him was planning mini-vacations and organizing barbeques, he was usually freaking out over abandoned job sites, making payroll, and where their next client was going to come from. Colin refused to jump on that crazy train, but that didn’t stop Owen. He didn’t know how to measure his extra work’s impact on the business, but it made him feel better and gave his overactive brain something to focus on.

“Well, it’s not exactly around the corner. This drive is worth it though and I really think you’re gonna love it.” Or at least, he hoped Chris would love it.

“I’m already loving it.” Chris squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I really loved that you planned it for us.”

“Yeah?” Owen felt his whole body flush with pleasure. “I…I had some help from Bull and Liam.”

“Nothing wrong with asking for help, but I’m not sure how you kept it a surprise since we know none of those guys can keep a secret.”

“There might have been a bribe or two.” Actually, they were so happy that he was finally making some kind of move, there wasn’t really any danger of them spilling the beans. “It was fun.”

“So this isn’t going to be a one-time thing?” Chris asked and Owen thought he detected a little hope in his tone.

Since he still didn’t completely trust his brain not to twist things around, he tried to downplay it. “Not if you don’t want it to be.”

“What do you want?” Chris shot him a warning frown. “And don’t tell me you don’t want me to ask, because this trip proves that’s bullshit.”

Owen knew that night was on both their minds. His self-imposed schedule didn’t leave a lot of time for conversation and Chris was very insistent that he get a full night’s sleep. There was no denying that after five nights secure in Chris’s arms, his body was functioning better, his mind was clearer, and he was feeling braver than ever. It was that bravery that enabled him to plan this trip instead of planning three days of work, and allowed him to say, “I would love to do this again with you.”

“Good, because I’d really love to do this with you again,” Chris promised. It had felt like a huge risk to Owen, but that response was the best reward ever.

“There were a few times that I almost backed out.” Owen hadn’t meant to admit that, but being with Chris relaxed him. If it were anyone else, he would be embarrassed and on the verge of making himself sick worrying how they would judge him. Instead, he found himself adding, “What if you had said no?”

“Did you really think that was a possibility?” Chris looked at him in surprise. When Owen just shrugged, Chris advised, “This is one of those times when I need your words.”

“Think it? Yes. Believe it? We wouldn’t be here if I believed every crazy thought that popped into my head.” Owen met Chris’s frown without flinching. “There felt like a hundred possible reasons why you would say no, but I refused to give in to them. I’m really trying to get these fears under control, honestly, but change doesn’t happen overnight.”

Chris tapped the steering wheel as he processed that admission. “I’d really prefer it if you didn’t change. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see you shed those insecurities that make you sick, but I really like the Owen sitting next to me a lot. He’s smart, kind, sensitive, funny, and damned sexy. There’s this thing he does with his tongue when he’s concentrating that makes me forget my own name and he blushes when he’s being complimented. It’s adorable.”

“Wow.” Owen wasn’t sure how Chris could be talking about him, but he wasn’t going to argue. And yeah, he was definitely blushing. “That guy you just described sounds like real boyfriend material and I really want to be that guy.”

“You
are
that guy—” Chris stressed, “—but those insecurities don’t want you to see it. After all, what would you need them for if you realized just how wonderful you were?”

He wasn’t sure he would ever think of himself as wonderful or any of those other words Chris used, but he knew he didn’t need his insecurities. “That’s not even logical.”

“Just humor me for a sec.” Chris glanced over, but he didn’t continue until Owen nodded. “For a long time, I was afraid that Liam would hate me. It wasn’t logical, to use a word you like so much, but it felt like a real possibility. When he and I finally discussed it, I truly thought that would be the end of it. He was either going to walk away from me forever or we’d be stronger than ever. That’s a logical deduction, right?”

Since Owen rarely did anything unless he was absolutely positive he wouldn’t be rejected, he understood why Chris would need to be sure. “Okay, I can see that. It’s easy for me to say that it would never happen, but I’m looking at it from the outside. Emotions can blind us, so yeah, needing that confirmation makes sense.”

“Right? Except I was wrong and I didn’t even know I was still holding on to that fear until I spoke to Bull.” Chris shook his head as if he couldn’t believe Liam’s confirmation hadn’t been enough. Owen could have taught him a few things on the dangers of self-doubt. “Expressing it to him after I thought it was a dead issue forced me to ask myself what purpose it was still serving. I realized it was acting like a security blanket, promising to protect me against a perceived future pain when in reality it’s a wall, keeping me from fully embracing our relationship.”

That was the biggest difference between him and Chris. He wouldn’t have been brave enough to look at his fear that closely in order to find a way to change it. “What’s the saying? Prepare for the worst, but expect the best? Except no one tells you how hard it is to do both.”

“Exactly! The thing is, I don’t want to be that guy anymore and that got me thinking about something Ty said. He said that it’s a conscious decision to shut down the negative voice in my head.” Chris mistook his surprise for confusion and clarified, “The one that regurgitates all the past shit until you just want to beat your head against the wall. You ever hear that?”

“Every fucking day.” He was intimately acquainted with that voice. He was just surprised that Chris had the same issue. While he could understand Chris’s fear of losing his brother, he had fallen into the same trap as everyone else—seeing Chris as so strong that he couldn’t possibly be afraid of anything.

“Well, mine has a name and a face, and even though he’s dead, Ty said I was letting him win and that I had to make a conscious decision to silence him for good.”

“Isn’t it too simple to think that you can just shut it off? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not racing out the door to join a support group or see a shrink, but we can’t deny that it’s helped Javier tremendously.” As happy as he was for Javier, Owen was envious of how far he’d come and even that he found a therapist who actually cared to help him. Where was that guy when Owen had gotten up the nerve to talk to someone?

“I’m not denying that and I’m not opposed to asking for help. The point is, no one pushed Javier into therapy. He made a decision to get help because he didn’t want to be that guy anymore,” Chris said.

“So you think I’m using my fears to keep me from getting hurt even though they’re holding me back from having the life I want.” Owen wanted to argue that he wouldn’t do such a self-destructive thing, but he had been self-destructing for a long time. Alienating his family, refusing all offers of help, working himself into the ground, hurting himself in the gym—they were all examples of pain he was inflicting on himself.

Chris hesitated and Owen knew it was unfair to put him on the spot like that, but he was the one who brought it up. “I don’t know what your fears are and it’d be wrong of me to guess. That said, I do believe—or maybe hope is the right word—that you’re tired of being held back.”

“Okay, I guess I cracked the door, so I can’t blame you for nudging at the opening. You’re probably the only person I think I’d be capable of telling, but I don’t want it to take over our whole weekend.” Owen hoped that didn’t sound like a cop out because he really didn’t mean it that way. He planned a romantic getaway and didn’t want it ruined by his issues. “I know I have things to work on, but talking about them repeatedly seems counterproductive to silencing those evil voices.”

Thankfully, Chris was quick to agree and suggested, “Then let’s make a couple of those decisions right now. Once we get to the hotel, we focus only on our future and if there’s work to be done to move us forward, we’ll do it together.”

“Chris, are we in this together? Like...like a couple?”
Asking felt like the scariest thing ever, but not asking was a prime example of using fear as a security blanket to hold himself back.  

“Well, yeah, I think of us like that. We are, aren’t we?” Chris rubbed the back of his neck and peeked over, his whole demeanor nervous. It was adorable and had the most calming effect on Owen. Chris shifted, every line in his body screaming awkward, and admitted, “Owen, I’ve never asked a guy to be my whole world before. How do I do that?”