SafetyInNumbers-Final (25 page)

“All we did was talk. I knew Liam had a lot of questions that he was afraid to ask and I was afraid to answer. It became a huge thing between us, holding us both back, so I locked us in Ric’s warehouse until we got it all out. The next day, Billy asked me to meet up alone and he wanted to know what I would do if he ever hurt Liam.” Chris didn’t repeat his answer. Saul wouldn’t need it spelled out. “After that, they stopped holding back.”

“We both know Billy would never hurt Liam and would destroy anyone who tried.” Saul frowned thoughtfully and finally said, “The tricky part is that Billy is a lot like you and I, and he does everything in his power to tamp that part down because he doesn’t trust himself. In the right environment, that natural instinct will come out. As a unit, you’ll all be stronger if Billy’s confident and if you can hold the line on accountability
.” 

“Which is just something Billy needs to believe is happening.” Chris wasn’t dismissing Billy’s fears and he’d foster that environment because they all needed it, but he wouldn’t do it alone. “Much like they need to believe I’m providing this secure, structured environment for them instead of realizing that we’re doing it together.”

Saul tilted his head and glared at him. “Did you really need to talk that out or were you just stalling the Owen conversation?”

“The only way for my words to have that instant effect was if Liam and Billy believed they would. I don’t want to give the wrong impression, there were important things that needed to be said, but they belong together and that has nothing to do with me.” Chris grinned sheepishly. “It did help to talk it out to put all the pieces together, but I was totally stalling the Owen conversation.”

Chris wasn’t exactly sure where to start. He wasn’t going to break Owen’s confidence, so he couldn’t tell Saul the things he’d suffered in the past. A lifetime of bullying and self-disgust followed by his own realization that one word to the right person might have changed it left Owen unable to heal. It was a vicious cycle of blame where he ultimately saw himself as the bad guy.

When he continued to struggle for the right words, Saul said, “You’re having trouble deciding what you can say, so let me tell you what I know. According to Bull, Owen’s issues have been lifelong, and by Owen’s own admission to me, I know that he hates himself. He needs real help, not some illusion, and that’s a huge responsibility that you’re not sure you can handle. Has he considered talking to a therapist?”

“He tried once and felt like all the person wanted to do was write prescriptions and take his money. The meds left him feeling more out of control than he already was, so he gave up.” Chris felt the familiar flare of anger when he thought about Owen finally getting up the courage to ask for help, only to have that person treat him so callously. “Even though he sees how well Javier’s doing, he’s not willing to put himself in that position again.”

“Was he at least able to tell you what happened to him?”

“Yeah.” Chris saw their conversation in the car as progress and Owen had been different ever since, but it couldn’t have been enough. “Have you noticed that he’s more relaxed with everyone?”

“He’s definitely trying harder,” Saul agreed. “But he only truly relaxes when you are also present.”

“Is that healthy? I can’t be with him twenty-four seven.” Chris couldn’t help but compare it to Bull protecting Owen on the playground, then going to a different school the next year. Without his own coping skills, Owen would be in the same defenseless position every time they went in separate directions. Would he come to hate Chris too?

“The fact that he’s trying when you’re not there is very healthy. He already knows you aren’t going to be with him twenty-four seven, so that’s not an expectation.” Saul stood to walk to the window and Liam realized Javier would be pulling in any second. “I think he calculates how many hours you’re going to be apart each day.”

“That logic thing he does.” After hearing Owen calculate how many times a day he thought about Chris’s body, it wasn’t a stretch to imagine him calculating how long they’d be apart.

Saul turned away from the window and admitted, “Before Javier leaves the house alone, he stands in front of the bathroom mirror and gives himself a pep talk. In the beginning, if he got spooked he’d run right back home. After a few months of trying, he graduated to calling first and that gave him the boost to keep going. Now if he gets spooked, he sends a text.”

Chris thought about that. He’d never seen Owen give himself a pep talk and they didn’t usually call each other during the day, but they did text sporadically. That shouldn’t qualify as coping since most couples texted regularly, or at least the ones he knew, but he could see where Saul was going. “He wouldn’t have the encouraging words to give himself a pep talk, but I could easily see him doing the math to figure out how long he has to be strong.”

“No, he’s figuring out when he can stop.” Saul looked out the window again just as Chris heard a car in the driveway. “Javier knew where he was safe and branched out slowly. Owen’s never known safe and he’s trying to find out where the shelter is.”

Chris saw Saul look at the door and asked, “Do you need to go see Javi?”

“He needs me to have confidence that he can do it on his own and trust that he’ll come to me when he’s ready.” That sounded like something a psychiatrist would say, not Master Saul Alvarez, and it took Chris a second to recognize the pain in those words. It was just a glimpse, something none of them would ever have been privy too normally, but he knew what he saw. “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Chris shut his mouth and nodded. Like Saul said, they were all strong-willed men. He’d talk when he was ready and to whomever he felt most comfortable with.

“Owen told you what he hasn’t been able to tell anyone in two decades. That’s not a step—it’s a major leap in the right direction. If you talk to each other, listen to one another, respect each other’s opinions and desires, and decide on your course of action together, then you’ll be a stronger couple. It’s not going to change his past, nothing will, but it will give you both a secure foundation to build your future on.”

Saul was so serious that Chris had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. The three men he respected most, all of whom had vastly different relationships, were giving him the same advice. “So we need to talk, listen, and act? No matter what.”

“Keeping secrets to protect Javier didn’t help him or us in the long run.” Saul rose when there was a tap on the office door. “Communication will save you a lot of heartache.” The door opened before Chris could respond and then Javier was breezing in, all smiles and happiness. As they greeted each other with a kiss that urged him out the door, Chris had to wonder whose heart got broken and if it got put back together.
 

“Chris?” Saul called out just as he was trying to sneak away. “That communication thing works in all relationships, so don’t hesitate to knock on my door anytime.”

Chris looked from Javier to Saul and said, “I always appreciate your advice, so you can count on it.”

He just hoped Saul practiced what he preached.

Chapter 21

Owen

“Chris?” Owen called when he walked into his room. It was already after eight, much later than he expected to be home, and he was beyond exhausted. First his meeting with the new client ran over, then an accident that tied up traffic on I-95 nearly had him in tears. He dialed Chris’s number several times, just needing to hear his voice, but his resolve not to be the weaker partner had him hanging up. It had him so worked up that he almost killed himself racing through side streets to get home. “Chris!”

“In here!” Chris’s muffled voice came through the open bathroom door and he bolted in that direction only to find the room empty. “Keep coming.”

“What are you doing?” He pushed the door to Billy’s side open, unsure why Chris would be in there when Owen had just passed the other man in the kitchen. Then he just stood in the doorway and stared at the room that was once cluttered with Billy’s things. “What’s going on?”

Chris crossed the nearly empty space and took his hand, tugging him into the embrace he’d been desperate for. A strong hand cupped the back of his head, knocking his beanie off and holding him still for a kiss that washed the whole crappy day away.

“Better?” Chris asked as he eased back with gentle kisses.

“Much better, thank you.” Owen rested his head on Chris’s shoulders and sighed. It was like Chris knew just what he needed and he was so grateful. “Did we kick Billy out?”

“It’s tempting.” Chris kissed the top of his head and together they looked around the room. The only things in the room were a blanket, some pillows, a covered basket, and a couple of battery operated lanterns. It had all the ear markings of a picnic. He just wasn’t sure why it was laid on the floor of an empty bedroom. “While you were off schmoozing the big clients, I was helping Billy move down to Liam’s room. They’re all Facebook official and everything.”

“Oh, Facebook official! That’s a big step.” Owen laughed at the absurdity of it. “So what’s going to happen with this room?”

“I thought maybe we could talk about that over dinner.” Chris looked so eager, and maybe a little anxious, that Owen couldn’t wait to find out what he was thinking. As Chris rushed around the room, Owen toed off his sneakers and settled cross-legged on the floor to watch. “So it turns out romance is not as easy as it looks.”

“No?” Owen grinned as Chris flipped on the lanterns, then turned off the overhead lights and kicked the bathroom door closed.

“No. Take the lanterns for example. The proper romantic gesture would have been candles, but what if we had knocked one over in our, uh, enthusiasm? Fire would have been a real mood killer.” Chris stilled for a second and Owen really thought he was going through some mental checklist. Finally he toed off his own shoes, grabbed them up with Owen’s, tossed them through the bathroom door, and slammed it shut again. “Then I thought flowers would be romantic, but there’s no furniture in the room so I had no place to put them. Sure I could have sat the vase on the floor, but again we ran the risk of knocking it over and getting glass in delicate places.”

Owen shivered at the thought and quickly shook his head. “I like your delicate places glass free, thank you very much.”

“I love when we think alike.” Chris eased down beside him, fluffed up some pillows behind them, and pulled the basket over. “By the way, the flowers are on your dresser. The florist assured me it wasn’t weird to buy flowers for another guy, but she could have just been trying to make a sale.”

“I actually really love flowers and plants.” Owen flushed when Chris winked at him.

“Yeah? Gonna have to add that to my list.” Just the idea of Chris keeping some sort of list of his likes made Owen’s insides go all gooey. “Back to my romance problem. Food. One menu I found suggested a sushi platter. I’m not a big raw fish kind of guy.”

“Some of it is pretty good, but not if we’re going to get, uh, enthusiastic.” Owen tried not to laugh at the mock horror in Chris’s tone, but he was so charmed that he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. “Either way, sushi at a picnic?”

“Exactly. So I mixed and matched a few menu ideas with what I know we both like. Finger sandwiches are apparently a must, so I got us a Cuban and cut it up. There’s chips, guac, pasta salad, sliced fruit, and—” Chris pulled out the last container with a flourish. “A little key lime pie to remind us of our weekend away.”

“I think you totally nailed the romance thing.” Owen was overwhelmed in the best possible way and Chris caught him when he lunged forward for a kiss. One led into another and another until he was laying on top of Chris peppering his face with his gratitude. “Thank you so much for putting this together. I love it.”

“If I had known it was gonna get that reaction, I’d have kicked Billy out sooner.” Chris stroked down his back and palmed his ass.

“Food first, ass second, big guy. I haven’t eaten since breakfast.” Owen groaned at his own admission. Sleep and food had always been secondary considerations for him until Chris started taking an interest in his well-being. Now his need for approval had him admitting when he didn’t follow Chris’s instructions and he cringed at the thought of making him mad.

Instead of a reprimand, Chris just tsked and said, “Guess I’ll have to deduct a gold star.”

With those hands fondling his ass and that calm response, Owen felt a little off kilter. “Are there stars?”

“Sure. One star for sleeping through the night, another for eating regularly…I got a list.” The way he said it, like it was the most natural thing in the world, had Owen perking up.

It sounded like a point system and he would totally work extra hard to see the stars build up. He loved accomplishing goals and seeing the look of approval Chris wore when he did something right. That they were all things designed for his well-being only showed how much Chris cared about him. “I didn’t know I was earning stars. How many do I have? Is there a prize for getting a certain amount? Can I see the chart?”

“The chart’s in my head and that’s where it’s staying.” Those strong arms tightened around him and then Chris was sitting up. “Let’s eat and we can discuss prizes.”

How was that going to work if he couldn’t see if he was succeeding or failing? “Why can’t we make a physical chart where I can track my progress?”