SafetyInNumbers-Final (12 page)

“Is there a difference?” Liam asked and then clarified when Billy just looked at him. “Between hurting me and bringing pain into my life.”

“Yes. The old life is very seductive and very deceiving. It makes these promises of a better future, of money and power and prestige, but only if you’re willing to die for it. Do you know how many times I fell for it? I hurt the people who loved me and refused to stop even though I knew I was ruining my life.” Slowly, he released Liam’s hand and put his own in his lap. He had no business touching Liam for even a second, much less thinking they should start something. “Do you get that? I let them fear me, I let them walk away...no, I turned my back on them for a gang.”

“And you think you could be seduced again?” Liam stretched his hand closer and frowned when Billy ignored it.

“You already know the answer to that, don’t you?” In a way, Liam had seduced him with promises of a better future, one filled with happiness and family.

“I suppose I do. Give me back your hand.” There was no seduction in that voice, no teasing playfulness, and Billy found himself reacting without thought. Two strong hands wrapped around one of his, completely engulfing it. “See that, Billy, I might not be as big and strong as you, but if I hold on with both hands, no one and nothing is gonna seduce you away from me.”

“I want to believe that’s true, honestly, but I’ve got a long history of fucking up.” He was being upfront, no lies or secrets, even though it sucked to admit how much of a screw up he’d been or how scared he was. “I may have the physical strength, but I’m so much weaker than you.”

“I’m not sure that’s true, but I think I get what you’re saying. It’s like football. I’m the quarterback, of course, and you’re my offensive line. Your job is to protect me, but even the o-line falls sometimes, so you need someone you can trust to make sure I’m protected.” Billy could almost see Liam working the play through in his head. “Someone who’s gonna step up when you fall, then slap you upside the head and give you a pep talk before sending you back in the game. You’re looking to Chris as some weird combination of a linesman and a coach, but it’s our game so we can make the roles fit, right?”

“Yeah, that’s about right.” It was scary how right that was. He’d been wondering and worrying about what would happen if Liam actually understood him, and it looked like he was about to find out.

“Does it make you feel better knowing Chris has your back like that?” Liam hesitated just long enough to figure that on his own. “I guess I know the answer to that, too. You couldn’t move forward without that assurance from him. That’s what changed.”

Did Liam looked disappointed in him or was Billy just seeing the worst because he feared it so much? “Yeah...yeah.”

“Okay. I do trust you, Billy, but if it makes you feel better, then I’m all for it.” Liam’s accepting smile was hard to process. Was it that simple? “Can I ask why you chose Chris over Saul or Bull?”

As smart and intuitive as Liam was, Billy was surprised he hadn’t figured that out as easily as he did everything else. “He’s been protecting you for years and didn’t hesitate to kill for you. Saul and Bull love you and would do a lot for you, but Chris has proven that your safety is his top priority.”

Liam reared back in shock. “You can’t possible know that.”

Billy was insulted that, after declaring that he wouldn’t accept secrets between them, Liam still thought it was okay to perpetrate a lie. He flipped his hand, tugging Liam close until their faces were only inches apart, and said quietly, “Nothing you say will convince me that you killed your father. The way I see it, Chris was taking the beatings to protect the brother he loved. Then just taking it wasn’t enough because you were directly in the harm’s way. He’d been waiting for that moment for years and no one was going to cheat him out of the kill. If it were me, I’d have welcomed the opportunity to watch the life drain out of that monster.”

That stupid lie pushed the words out of him with more force than was necessary. In their wake, tears spilled unchecked down Liam’s face and Billy wanted to throw himself over the balcony. This was not how their date was supposed to go and exactly why he couldn’t be trusted. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Please don’t cry.”

“I’m not upset at what you said.” Liam sniffled and Billy awkwardly tried to brush away his tears. “You’re right, I didn’t kill my father. That’s the first time I’ve ever said that to anyone. I’ve been living the lie for so long that I’d started to wonder if I really had done it.” Liam nuzzled his palm, those tears still falling freely. “When Chris confessed, I got this ominous feeling. Like they were gonna stick him in the deepest, darkest hole they could find and I’d never see my brother again. He was all I had left and, though I didn’t know all the details, I was smart enough to see that he only got up off that floor to protect me. Knowing that made me realize if I hadn’t walked in that night, he would have continued to take it.”

“That’s not your fault, Liam.” Billy couldn’t believe how quickly and horribly he’d fucked up their date. “It’s not. There’s only one person to blame. Chris would tell you the same thing.”

“He did and I know you’re both right. But, Billy, why didn’t he get up off the floor sooner? Why didn’t he fight for himself?” Those brown eyes begged Billy for an answer he didn’t want to give. Not that he knew for sure, he wasn’t there, but he had a theory. “I know you have an idea, Billy. Please tell me. I can take it. I need to know.”

Billy wasn’t so sure that was true, but he couldn’t refuse. “If I had to guess? That bastard beat everything out of Chris except for his love for you. That stood stronger than everything else and that makes him the perfect man to keep me from hurting you.”

Liam eased back a little, his thinking face firmly in place, and Billy hoped that was a good sign. Finally, Liam nodded as if it all made sense, which it really shouldn’t have. Nothing David Ellis did made sense, nothing that happened to Liam and Chris as a result made sense, and trying to make sense of both was only to make them feel better. The real answer to all the why’s died with David. “Do you think that’s still true?”

“What?” Billy wasn’t sure which truth Liam was referring to. Liam worried his bottom lip between his teeth until Billy reached over to tug it free. “You can ask me anything, Liam.”

“That the only thing left in Chris is his love for me?” Liam looked sick at the thought.

“No. Look at what he’s done for everyone. He talked for Red, he protected Jacky, and he tried to protect Kyle and Javier for Saul.” Billy smiled and hoped he wasn’t making things worse. “And he loves Owen. He can let himself feel that love because he knows I’m going to take care of you from now on.” Billy paused as he tried to put his thoughts into words. That brother bond didn’t have a lot of room in it and he knew Liam wouldn’t move forward with his own life if he thought Chris was neglecting himself. “I guess it looks strange to the others, but the feelings between the four of us provide balance. Owen was mine to take care of for a while, just as Chris took care of you. It isn’t that we’ve traded responsibilities because Chris will always be there for you and I’ll always be there for Owen. My deference to Chris and your protectiveness of Owen only strengthen those bonds.”

The waiter picked that moment to bring their drinks and Liam looked relieved for the break. Billy watched helplessly as he tried to hide his puffy eyes from the kid’s nosy stare. When the kid hovered, Billy glared. When the kid cleared his throat, Billy couldn’t believe his ears. “Uh, I’m sorry for your loss.”

“What the hell?” Billy demanded at the waiter’s fast-retreating back. Liam’s watery chuckle turned into a full blown belly laugh and Billy realized that his wardrobe worries had been proven. “That brat thinks we just came from a funeral!”

“Yes, yes he does.” The laugh was a little desperate as Liam tried to sort out his emotions. “Oh man, the look on your face was priceless. I have to thank Javi and Kyle for that.”

“Now who’s the brat?” Billy let himself laugh and felt some of the tension leave the table. As often as Liam tried to tell him about that night, this was the first time they got through it. He had to think that was a good sign.

“Billy?” Liam asked after a few minutes of silence. “I’m glad you know.”

“Thank you for telling me.” It was yet more proof of Liam’s trust in him, but it didn’t make for great date night conversation. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’ll always be there to listen.”

“I know. It was easier tonight.” Liam’s smile seemed more natural and Billy felt more of the tension dissipate. “Why didn’t you want to tell me what you and Chris talked about?”

“I did, just not tonight.” Billy tried to sound casual. “I had this crazy idea that tonight could just be about us. After saying how we’re all connected, I guess that sounds stupid.”

“You know, Red hates that word. It’s banned from their house. I’m starting to hate it too.” Liam picked up Billy’s hand again and placed a soft kiss on his palm. “Especially when you’re being so smart. I think everything you said was right, but there was a better time and place to have that conversation. This is our first real date. It’s all about us from here on out.”

“That sounds perfect.” Maybe it hadn’t gone according to some traditional plan, but one important thing had come out of the heavy conversation. Now they knew they could communicate, could be honest, and would never need secrets between them. That made it more successful than Billy could have ever planned.

Chapter 11

Liam

“It most definitely is a saying!” Liam laughed as they approached his room. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this good. Sated, relaxed, and really happy. Not having to fake a smile felt wonderful and he didn’t want the night to end. “I said it, didn’t I?”

“So it’s a saying you made up!” Billy nodded as if he knew that all along. “I gotta know where you pulled that one from. How do you know if shrimps have assholes or how tight they are?”

“Come on, it’s a living creature, right? It’s got to have some sort of digestive tract.” Liam turned and pressed his back to the door. Sometimes he coaxed his way into Billy’s bed, but they’d never shared more than a few kisses. He was pretty sure if Billy tried to leave him at the door with just a kiss tonight, he’d die. Or he’d tackle Billy right there in the hall and take what he wanted. “And, what are they, like an inch big? Not a lot of wiggle room happening there.”

Billy stepped close and braced a hand on the door by his head. The other stroked down over his hip until Billy had a handful of ass. “How’s the wiggle room here?”

“Oh, that was so bad.” Liam didn’t know whether to laugh or moan. Then the decision was taken away when Billy nudged one big leg between both of his and rubbed against his balls. “You’ll have to do more than that to find out.”

“I have a few ideas, but we’re on the wrong side of the door.” Billy’s breath tickled his ear and his rough stubble scratched Liam’s jaw. It was all he could do not to drop trou right there and beg for Billy to show him his ideas. “Hold onto me.”

When Liam slid his hands around Billy’s neck, the door behind him clicked open and then Billy was walking him backward. The door slammed shut, closing them in, but Billy didn’t stop until Liam’s calves hit the bed. Instead of pushing him down, Billy eased back a little. “I don’t want to rush this.”

“Rush?” His voice rose desperately. “We’ve been teasing each other for so long that my nuts hurt just thinking about you
not wanting to rush
.”

“Do they hurt?” It was only a slight over-exaggeration that became his whole truth when Billy slid one big hand down his stomach until he was cupping him through his slacks. All Liam could manage was a groan as Billy massaged him. He wanted to close his eyes and just enjoy the feeling of finally being touched, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Billy’s face. “Okay, baby, we’ll do it your way. Undress for me.”

He complied instantly, his fingers moving quickly over the buttons of his shirt until it dropped on the floor. As soon as he saw Billy’s fists clench in response, he forced himself to stop. This was the first time they’d see each other completely naked, the first time they’d touch without reservation—did he really want to rush through to the end? No, Billy was right, they needed to slow down and enjoy the discovery.

When he reached for his slacks, his movements were noticeably slower and Billy’s breathing picked up in direct response. He eased the material down his legs and kicked it aside, then paused again so Billy could get a good look at him in his black jock. The one he picked out especially for tonight. Had he stripped in a rush, he would have missed the look on Billy’s face.

“Turn.” Billy’s predatory gaze took in every inch of him from his toes to his hair and back. “Slowly.”

The one word sentences would have amused him any other time. Now they were just another indication of how turned on Billy was. Being on display normally wouldn’t have made him self-conscious either, but he really wanted Billy to like what he saw. They were completely different physically and he was the total opposite of the only other person he knew Billy had been with.

A hand skated over his ass appreciatively and Liam sighed. “See something that interests you?”

“Someone,” Billy corrected, that hand stroking reverently. Strong fingers slipped beneath his waistband and Billy pressed in close behind him. Feeling Billy’s clothes on his naked skin made him shiver. “Someday real soon I’m gonna fuck you while you’re wearing this, but not tonight.” The jock slid down his thighs and he felt Billy kneel as they fell down to his ankles. “Step out.”