Ruining You (13 page)

“I miss you. I miss you so
damn much. I know I can’t bring you back, and I have to let you go. Not
forever, but for now. I have to figure out where to go from here. I don’t want
to hate you for leaving me and for what happened to Cal, but I might start
doing just that if I don’t let you go. I already hate myself enough for him.
I’m so lost,” I whisper.

I’m not sure how long I’m
there, but eventually, the sunset surrounds me. I turn my head and glance at
the small pond. As my eyes skim over the water, I notice someone leaning
against a tree on the other side. His silhouette is familiar. I shade my eyes
to see his face, and my heart drops. What the.....I suddenly sit up.

“Hey Jay.”

I scream, startled by the
voice behind me. Jumping up, I see Kane standing there.

“Are you okay?” he asks,
stepping towards me and placing his arms on either side of mine.

Looking back to the other
side of the water, I see nothing. No one. Did I imagine seeing him? My heart
races with fear.

“Jay, what are you staring
at? Look at me. Damn, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

The concern in his voice
finally snaps me out of my thoughts, and I glance into his worried eyes.

“God, you’re shaking like a
leaf.” Pulling me into his arms, he secures me in his grasp and allows me to
bury my face in his chest. He strokes his hand over my hair and whispers in my
ear, “I’m sorry I scared you. I thought you would have seen me walking up.
Shhh...it’s okay baby. I’ve got you.”

“Kane,” I whisper, “I think
I am seeing things.”

“What did you see?”

Shaking my head against his
chest, I say, “I don’t want to talk about it. I had to have imagined him.” It
feels so good to be this close to him, to inhale him, and to feel his body
pressing solidly against mine. A feeling of peace spreads over me, but it is
short-lived because he pulls back.

“You saw who?”

I shake my head again. I
just want to be back in his arms once more, but the look on his face stops me.

The tone of his voice is
commanding as he asks again, “I’m going to ask you one more time, and you are
going to answer me. We are obviously not going back to that shit again. No
secrets. No wondering what you’re thinking. Talk to me, Jay.”

“I just thought I
saw...someone across the pond, but it must have been my imagination.” I don’t
want to tell him who I thought I saw. It doesn’t make any sense. It couldn’t
have been him.

Finally, with a look of
resignation on this face, he asks, “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I just didn’t see you.
I guess you could say I was talking to ghost.” I glance towards JT’s grave, and
Kane’s eyes follow mine.

“Even though I hated that
you picked him, I never would have wished this. Believe it or not, I would go
through the pain of losing you ten times over for that boy to still be alive.
For you Jay, so that you wouldn’t have to live with this for the rest of your
life.” His emerald eyes peer into mine, and his words wake me from my thoughts
of JT.

“What are you doing here, Kane?”

“Your mother called me as
soon as you left. When you called Molly, she called your mother who called me.
So, I volunteered to come and check on you.”

“So, what? Y’all are my
watch dogs now? Is that what this is?” Taking a step towards JT’s grave, I touch
the cold granite once more. “Can you give me a minute, please?”

“I’ll wait at your car,” he
says.

He walks back our vehicles,
but I never look away from JT’s tombstone. “I guess this is goodbye for now.
You were my first love, my best friend, and my fairytale prince. If you are up
there listening, know that I loved you. I’ll always love you.” Squatting down,
I kiss my fingertips and press them against his name. I glance across the pond
to confirm no one is there, and I stand up. My spine tingles with the feeling
that someone is watching me, but it must be from Kane who is standing against
my car.

The temperature has dropped
since the sun set. Walking back to my car, I rub my arms, trying to warm them.
Kane leans against my yellow Ford Mustang with his denim-covered legs crossed
in front of him. His hands rest on either side, and he’s wearing a beige
cable-knit sweater that emphasizes his physique. A pair of dark sunglasses
adorns his face. As I get closer, he glances down at me. His sunglasses slide down
his nose, but with one finger, he pushes them back up.

“Kane, you can’t babysit me.
I appreciate the thought, but I don’t want that.”

“Who said anything about
babysitting? Listen, your mom, Molly, and I just want to make sure you realize
that if you need anyone to talk to, we’re here.”

“Ugh..,” I turn to walk away
but quickly change my mind and turn back around. “So, what? Are you all going
to follow me around wherever I go? Are you going to cancel your dates when my
mom or Molly calls you on watch duty? Or wait, I’ve got it, are you going to
chaperone me when I go on dates?”

“Who are you planning on
dating?” he asks through gritted teeth.

“Are you kidding me? No one
for now, but you can’t do this. Damn, I can’t do this. Listen to me, I promised
Cal that I wouldn’t try anything stupid again, and I will keep that promise.
You can believe that. No need to worry.”

“Wait. What are you saying,
Jay? You made a promise to Cal that you wouldn’t kill yourself?”

“Yes, that is what I am
saying. So see, you don’t have to worry. You can go on living your life, no
need to concern yourself with mine.”

“You are a piece of work,
Jay. Are you listening to what you are saying? You better find reasons to live
for you because otherwise, what kind of life is that?” Rubbing his temples with
his hands, he mutters, “Get in your car and go home. I’ll follow you.”

“You don’t have to
follow...,” I don’t get to finish.

“Get in your damn car. NOW!”
he yells.

His face flushes red with
anger, so I decide that this may not be the time to push him. I crank my car
and follow the lonely road out of the cemetery. The headlights of his Chrysler
Crossfire gleam in my rear view mirror. What does he want from me? I don’t want
him like this -- a protective big-brother figure? Hell no. Not going to happen.
My mother and Molly are going to hear from me. This is going to stop today.

Arriving home, I pull my car
into the garage. Kane doesn’t get out; he barely even stops before driving off.
I slam my door. I’m so freaking annoyed. I want to kick something or actually
someone: a bossy green-eyed someone to be exact. Rearing back my foot, I kick
the tire. “Ouch!” I jump around on my good foot as pain radiates through the
other.

“Jay, is everything okay?”

My mother and father are
standing in the doorway, staring at me.

“No, I’m not okay. I think I
broke a toe.”

I hear a guff of laughter
from my mom, “That’s what you get for kicking your car.”

Shaking my head, I know she
is right. I’m pissed at myself for being stupid and acting childish and
immature. I can’t help but laugh at myself. “Yeah, that was pretty dumb.”

“C’mon, let me help you in,”
my father insists.

Seeing him wonder whether or
not I’m going to allow him to assist me prompts me to give in. Reaching for his
hand, I put my arm around his shoulder and lean on him while I hop inside. Once
we reach the kitchen table, I sit down on the chair. My mother reaches for my
shoe, sliding it and my sock off. My toe is already turning blue.

“Do you think we should go
to the Urgent Care to get it checked out?” my dad asks.

“I’m fine. I think it’s just
bruised. There’s no swelling,” I reply back.

“Dad, do you mind if I talk
with mom real quick?”

“Sure. I’ll go check the
score of the football game.”

My mother looks at me as she
sits down across the table.

“You are going to say
something about me calling Kane, aren’t you?”

I nod my head.

“I’m sorry, Jay. Kane and
Molly worry about you. I requested that they help me keep an eye on you. I
didn’t know what else to do. You know, we just met Kane in the hospital the day
after...well, after. You know. I’m sorry, he just wanted to help, and I need
help.”

“Mom, I know that asking you
to trust me at this stage would be pointless, but you have got to quit being
‘helicopter mom.’ It is driving me insane. I need just a little space.”

“I’m trying. I feel like I’m
going to miss something or some clue, and next time, it will be too late.”
Tears clog her voice as she speaks.

“I’m so sorry that this has
to be your life. You don’t deserve this.”

“Jay, please don’t say that.
I wish that these things hadn’t happened to you, but I would never wish for a
different life. I love you, honey.” She stands, coming around the table to lean
down and hug me.

“Listen, just do me a favor.
Kane needs to move on with his life. Pulling him back into mine isn’t helping
anyone. I need you to do this for me, please.”

“Okay. What do I say when he
calls?”

“When does he call?”

“Every day, Jay. He calls to
check on you almost every single day.”

I’m stunned at her
confession. He calls to check on me that often? It’s almost unbelievable. Why
every day?

“Just tell him, but don’t
send him after me anymore. I also agree not to storm out of the house again
either. That was immature of me. I really didn’t mean to worry you. I just
needed to get away, and well, I ended up visiting JT.”

“I would have gone with
you,” my mother says quietly.

“It was something I had to
do alone. I know that I have to move on. It’s just so hard, Mom.”

“You will always love him,
but you have to live. He made his choice, and now, you have to make yours.”

“I have made my choice,” I
say, looking at her.

“No, you have to make the
choice for you. Not for anyone else. It doesn’t work that way, Jay. I wish it
did, but it doesn’t.”

My mom looks as if she wants
to break down, but instead, she changes the subject.

“I need to finish up dinner.
Are you hungry?”

“Not really. I think I’m
going to head up stairs to take a shower.”

“I could bring you up
something?”

“I’m good, Mom. Thanks
anyway.”

I hobble up the stairs and
get undressed once I reach my room. I pull out my phone, turn it back on, and
toss it on my bed. After showering, I lie down next to my phone and scroll
through the playlists to find the perfect song. I listen as the lyrics softly
envelope me. There are so many decisions that I need to make regarding my life.
Today, I made one of the toughest; I let JT go. I close my eyes as my mind
drifts.

My eyes jerk open, and I
automatically raise my arm to shield them from the bright lights that blind me.
I rapidly blink to try and readjust my vision. When things come into focus, I
realize I’m sitting in the bleachers at my high school football stadium. I’m
alone. The stadium lights shine down on the field, but beyond that and the
bleachers, everything is pitch black, almost as if it doesn’t exist.

I hear footsteps stomping on
the bleacher stairs, and I turn to see my devil approaching. He’s dressed in
jeans and a t-shirt with the school’s logo, and he’s carrying a bag of popcorn
which he seems to be devouring.

Plopping down beside me, he
shoves the popcorn at me and asks, “Want some?”

“No. Why are we here?”

“Football, silly. Why else
would we be here?”

At the mention of football,
players appear on the field, offense set against defense. The referee blows the
whistle for the game to begin, and the players act. The quarterback fakes the
throw, runs through the defensive line, and heads straight for the goal line.
Touchdown! My devil goes crazy, cheering and jumping up as popcorn flies
everywhere.

The familiar quarterback
runs to stand before us on the field. He raises his hand to his heart and then
points directly to me. He waves and turns to run off the field. The lights go
out everywhere except where we are sitting.

“What was that about?” I ask
my devil who continues to stuff his face with buttery kernels.

“I don’t know,” he says
through a mouth full. “Looks like he was saying goodbye, but hey, it’s your
dream babe. I’m just a player.”

“What?” I ask, but he’s
gone. Bringing my legs to my chest, I wrap my arms around them and rest my head
against my knees
.