Ruining You (10 page)

An hour later, my mother and
I are finally loaded up and on our way home. She is strangely silent. Actually,
looking closer at her, she looks nervous.

“Mom, is everything okay?”

“Yes, honey. Everything is
fine. It’s just that there are some people at the house that wanted to see
you.” Peeling her eyes off the road for a second, she looks over at me. “Just a
few friends to welcome you home.” My eyes go wide as I stare at her.

“Mom, you can’t be serious.”
She sheepishly looks back at me. “You have got to be joking?”

“Molly and Reed wanted to
plan a coming home party, but with everything being last minute, I really don’t
know who all will be there.”

Shaking my head in
disbelief, I stare at her for another moment before I blurt out, “Oh my God,
Mom! You really have to be kidding me. I’m having a...what? A, ‘Welcome
Home....Glad You Didn’t Kill Yourself Party?!?’ Please tell me this is not
happening.”

“Jay, you have to
understand. So many people have missed you. It will probably be just a few
people, hardly anyone at all. I couldn’t turn Molly down.”

Looking out the window, I
cringe listening to her. I just wanted to go home, get settled, and maybe, in a
day or two, call Molly and Kane to talk. At least I look decent. I’m glad I
decided on a pair of True Religion jeans and a grey hoodie this morning. In the
past couple of weeks with Eli, I have gained back about ten pounds. My cheeks
aren’t so hollow anymore. My dark brown hair shines as it flows halfway down my
back. It’s a far cry from the drab mob that adorned my head for the past couple
months. Glancing into the mirror, I notice that even my grey slate eyes seem to
glimmer.

“Please don’t be mad or
upset,” my mother pleads.

Knowing that she is just
trying to help, I send her a small smile. “No unexpected company in the future.
Okay?”

Smiling back, she says,
“Okay. I’m just so tickled to have you home.”

The rest of way, I glance
out the window, trying not to think about who is waiting for me.

When we finally arrive,
there are several cars in the driveway. As she parks outside the garage, I
notice Molly’s, Reed’s, and Kane’s cars, but there is also a white van that I’m
not familiar with.

Taking a deep breath, I step
out of the car with my stomach tied in knots. My mother comes to stand next to
me and reaches for my hand.

“They’re your friends, Jay.
They love you, and they are only here for support.”

Nodding my head, I let go of
her hand and walk to the front door. The pressure builds in my chest, but I’ve
learned to push it back. Closing my eyes, I reach for the handle, turn the
knob, and open the door.

“Well you look great.”
Opening my eyes to Molly’s statement, I see her and Reed standing before me.
Her rich red hair gleams under the foyer lights. Her smile illuminates her face
as she looks at me. Reed’s dark eyes still look wary, but he also has a goofy
grin on his face. These two are my oldest friends in the world. Smiling, I step
over the threshold and embrace them.

“Hey, you guys.” Stepping
back, I notice Molly looking at me.

“Jay, you really do look
good. I guess I thought...” Her voice trails off.

Letting a small laugh
escape, I know exactly what she is talking about. “You should have seen me a
couple weeks ago. I was scary and pretty skeletal looking.”

Looking around, I only see
the two of them in the foyer. Reed must notice because he answers my unspoken
question.

“There are only a couple of
us here to see you. Everything was last minute, and since school was out for
the holiday break, Molly and I came over to set everything up. Most everyone is
in the kitchen; however, there is someone who wants to speak with you first.
He’s in the living room.”

Molly and Reed look at each
other nervously. Turning from them, I head that way. A million thoughts cross
my mind, and I can’t even imagine who it will be, or maybe I can. Stepping into
the room, I suddenly come to a stop. My heart falls from my chest and my head
spins.

Gripping the doorframe, I
take in who sits before me. The silver metal shines new, but it seems more like
a cage in my mind than a chair. His blond hair is shaved close to his head, and
a jagged angry-red scar starts at his temple and runs down the side of his
face. In his blue shirt and jeans, I can tell he has lost so much weight that,
in a way, he’s almost unrecognizable. Everything is different with the
exception of the kind eyes I used to know so well. He grasps his hands together
in his lap and looks me over.

“I guess you got my note,”
he says. Words fail me as my emotions almost completely immobilize me. I just
nod. “Come here, Jay.”

Walking towards him, I let
the first tear silently fall. Coming to a stop before him, more tears drop, one
after another.

“This is not your fault,” he
says motioning at himself. Looking away, I can’t listen to what he is saying.
“God damn it, Jay! Look at me!” His commanding tone surprises me so much that I
jump. He has never been that stern. Turning my eyes back to him, I look down
into his.

“I’m only going to say this
once, and then by God, we are all moving on. That night, I made an error in
judgment. I let emotion rule my choices, and like an idiot, I got in a car with
a driver who was emotionally worse off than I was. My decision, Jay. Not yours.
I know how you got that whole self-martyred mind set, but sorry, this one is on
me. ONLY ME!” Grabbing my hand, he pulls me down until his face is inches from mine.
“You owe me though, for the hell you put us all through these past couple years
of worrying about you. That is the only thing you owe me for, and you better
pay up from now until eternity by living.”

My voice whispers, “Cal...”
as my body vibrates with my mute sobs.

“Damn, Jay,” he says pulling
me to sit in his lap.

Letting it all go, I lay my
head on his chest. I can’t stop the sudden outburst of emotions. My cries turn
to wails as the pain bleeds out.

Rubbing my hair, he whispers
back, “Shhhh…I lived, Jay. We both lived. That’s all that matters. Shhh…don’t
cry.”

Time passes. I’m not sure
how much. Finally, my crying subsides, and I lift myself up. “I am so
sorry...,” I start to say before he brings his fingers to cover my mouth.

“I’ve heard enough of
‘sorry’ to last a life time. How ‘bout we try something different?”

He looks at me, and I say
the only thing that matters, “I’ve missed you.”

Grinning from ear to ear, he
replies, “Yeah, well, I’ve missed you too.”

“Is this permanent?” I have
to ask. I have to know. Pursing his lips together, he nods.

“I’m paralyzed from the
waist down. I was mad at first, but then when you look at the alternative, I
guess I didn’t draw the short stick. There are days I wish I could choke JT out
one last time, though. Damn that boy. You know he didn’t listen to anyone for
shit.” His bitter laugh fills the room, but a lost look flashes across his
face. “Listen, we’ll talk later, but for now, I’ve taken enough of your time.
There are others waiting for you.”

Slowly I stand up and look
down at him again. I don’t know what to say. My heart is breaking all over for
him -- for the loss of his legs and the loss of his best friend.

“Ok, now you get to see my
mad skills at driving this bitch,” he says with a wide grin, breaking up the
melancholy.

Now this is the Cal I
remember. A small smile forms on my lips.

“I see that smile. C’mon
let’s go see who all came out to welcome your fine ass home.” Grinning, he
winks at me and says, “You know, I thought you’d come through those doors
looking like death, and I was going to have to lie and tell you how pretty you
were. So glad to be wrong.”

He wheels ahead of me,
surprising me on just how efficient he is. Following him as he keeps chatting,
I head to the kitchen. As I walk in, I see my mother, Molly, and Reed at the
bar talking and laying out sandwiches. Cal’s mother is sitting with my
grandmother at the breakfast table, and they both stand to hug me. While
embracing me, my grandmother tells me how much she has missed me. I kiss her on
the cheek when my eyes narrow on the only other person here.

Across the expanse of the
room, I see him for the first time in months. His dark hair has grown out
slightly, but those emerald eyes are as piercing as always. He is dressed in a
long-sleeve grey button-up shirt and black dress slacks that emphasize the
amazing body underneath. Kane’s eyes haven’t left mine, and the slight smile on
his face highlights his dimples. My heart stops for a second.

I wasn’t ready for the
visceral affection between us. My entire body tingles from head to toe with a
slow burn starting in my belly. The hum of sexual attraction snares me, and I
immediately feel ashamed. JT has only been dead for three months.

Finally, after what seems
like eternity, he walks toward me with his hands in his pockets. Approaching
me, he shakes his head and looks deep into my eyes.

“Come here, girl,” he says
in a husky voice as he envelops me in a hug.

You know what Heaven feels
like? It feels like two-hundred pounds of steel muscle wrapped around you with
the most invigorating body smell that invades every sense you have. It is the
rhythmic beating of his heart as it sounds in my ear. I grip his back, knowing
he is really here. It’s the feeling of being safe, protected, and loved. It is
everything I am feeling as I am shrouded securely in his arms. I want to hold
on tight and never let go.

Pulling back, he smiles down
at me. “You sure know how to make a guy sweat.”

I smile back. He has no clue
how much I want to talk to him; I need to explain. “Mental vacations are all
the rage, don’t you know? No time to get out of my own head to call or write
anyone.”

Laughing he asks, “So now,
how are you feeling?”

“Less crazy than before,” I
say with a laugh. I’m joking, but it’s true.

“What am I going to do with
you, Jay?”

“Hang out with me tonight?”
Wow. My own question startles me for a second. Biting my bottom lip, I look up
at him and notice his gaze is on my mouth. I can’t help it. Inside, I’m doing
the happy dance because I still do it to him.

He looks dazed, but
regaining his wits, he glances directly at me, clears his throat, and responds,
“Uh …I can’t. I can only stay for a little while.”

This is kind of awkward.
Stuttering just a little, I reply, “Oh. Okay. I was hoping we could talk about
some things that I thought about while I was gone. Especially regarding, you
and me.” Looking at him, I start to speak, “You....”

“I have a date tonight,
Jay,” he says, looking into my eyes.

Did I hear him correctly?
Did he just say he has a freaking date tonight?

“When Molly called and said
that you were coming home today, I wanted to be here for you. If I’d known
sooner, I wouldn’t have made plans, but I haven’t heard from you in almost
three months.”

Twenty million thoughts run
through my head as I stare at him. Oh Crap! Shit! Okay, this is what you
wanted, Jay. You wanted him to move on, and he has. So sit and wallow in it.
Inside, I am dying. I need to say something, but as I blankly stare into his
green eyes, all I can think about is that he deserves someone who can love him.
Just him. Right now, I’m not that girl, and I don’t know if I ever will be.

Sighing, I say, “No, you’re
right..,” I stop speaking when I realize we have an audience, and all eyes are
on us. “Hey guys, can you give us a minute?” Everyone nods as I turn and head
toward the foyer. Unfortunately, I didn’t think about the location too well
because I stop to stand in front of the round table. THE ROUND TABLE that we
made out on. That he made me come on. The same table that gives me hot flashbacks
of his rock hard abs, kissable lips, and supple fingers as they...

“Jay, you still with me?” 
Kane’s voice brings me out of my stupor.

“Yes, oh yes. I am just
fine.” I know my voice sounds sensual, but I really can’t overpower it. Kane
keeps looking at me like I have lost my mind. I see him look from me to the
table, and then a sly grin spreads across his face.

“Ahh, good times,” he
comments, winking at me.

Finally regaining what
little sense I have, I reply, “Listen Kane, I’m really sorry that I didn’t
write back. I didn’t know what to say or do, and things were so chaotic in my
mind. For the first two months that you wrote to me, I wasn’t in the right head
space. I wanted you to move on, knowing deep down inside that was the best
thing for you.”

“Jay, you don’t owe me an
explanation. If anything, I owe you an apology for laying my shit on you while
you were in there. It was stupid, and believe it or not, I never planned on
giving the letters to Molly or your mom. I guess you could say that I had weak
moments. I’m not going to lie; those first two months were rough. Not knowing
and, then again, knowing everything was just as bad. I had a fucked up time,
but I was able to get a hold on myself.”