Ruining You (9 page)

“Wait...which one is he?”

“I met Kane the first day of
my senior year. He’s the bartender that I started to fall for. He was the one
that made me really start thinking that I could have a future. Actually, I
really don’t think I need to worry because I am pretty sure he’s moved on.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I haven’t spoken to him in
three months, and the letters he sent tend to lend to that idea.” Cringing, I
think about those letters.

“Do you want him to move on
or not?”

Sighing, I reply, “Eli, how
can I even think of being with someone else? I didn’t want him waiting for me
anyway. He needs to move on. Damn, I even chose JT.” I am walking in circles. I
stop and look up at him, “Ugh, you’re right though. I still think about him. A
lot.”

“What did his letters say?”

“Do you want to read them?”

“Only if you want me to,
Jay.”

Nodding my head, I turn, and
he follows me to my room. I grab the letters as soon as we walk in, and I thumb
through them to find Kane’s.

“Okay, I’ll let you read the
ones that I’ve read over and over.” I hand them to Eli, and he sits on the bed
and begins to read. I pace the room, anxiously waiting for his response. When
he’s finished, he looks over at me.

“I’m kind of scared to read
the next letter.”

I know what he’s talking
about. I could only make myself read it once. I hand Eli the third letter he
wrote. He unfolds it, and I join him on the bed.

Jay,

I have to get this out. I
have to know. How the hell could you do it? Just like Matt. How could you both
take your life? I don’t understand it. I don’t eat, sleep, or work thinking
about it. I don’t know what the hell I am doing. Here I am laying this shit on
you again, but who else do I talk to? I don’t even know if you got my other
letters. Who knows? Maybe you’re not even opening them.

I don’t even know why I keep
writing, but HELL YES I do. You. You’re fucking burned on my brain. I can’t get
you out. When I shut my eyes you’re there. I hear your laugh and GOD…I still
hear your cries. I even think that I smell you, and it drives me insane. How
did you crawl inside me so fast?

I can’t do this........

Sitting down beside Eli, he
looks at me.

“Jay, the guy seems to
really care about you. There is no doubt about that, but I have to be honest, I
think you’ve royally messed with his head.”

Lowering my head into my
hands, I groan. “He needed to move on, Eli. I was tearing him apart. There was
just too much between us.”

“I think he’ll be waiting
when you get home.”

“I don’t know. Even if he is,
it would be like starting over, and I’m not sure I am ready for that. I need
time to get me right.” Standing up, I head back out of the room and motion for
him to follow. He stands, but his feet remain planted.

“Just remember this. I
believe that you and I may mourn our first loves for the rest of time, but I’ve
come to learn that our lives didn’t end that day. We are still here living it,
even at times when we wished we weren’t. The only thing that bothers me about
hearing about this Kane guy is your own words. You admitted that he was the
reason you decided to live again. You didn’t say that about JT. You said you
owed him the chance to be together. Just a thought, Jay. Don’t lose out on
something that could be forever because you think the timing isn’t right. Don’t
let fate decide.”

I turn and head for the
hallway again, not stopping to see if he follows. Maybe I should have written
Kane back for his peace of mind. I may have ruined everything because of that.
It’s too late to write, but maybe it’s not too late to talk to him. Making my
decision then and there, I turn back and see Eli walking towards me.

“I’m going home tomorrow.
It’s time,” I say before I have a chance to change my mind.

“Yes it is, for both of us.
You know I only live forty-five minutes from you. I’m always here if you need
me, Jay.”

Stepping to him, I wrap my
arms around his warm chest and let his warmth seep into me, thawing me from the
inside out. “Thanks, Eli. I’ll always be here for you, too.” I give him one
final squeeze and release him.

“You’ll be fine. Just take
it one day at a time, and please, cage that bitchy beast.”

We both laugh and head to
the cafeteria for dinner.

That night, before letting
sleep claim me, my mind drifts. What I am going to do when I get home? Things will
never be the same.

My eyes flash open, taking
in my surroundings. I’m sitting on the concrete floor of the gym closet at
school. It’s a large closet with shelves that hold all the cheerleading art
supplies and banners. Paint, paper, and brushes encircle me. In my hand is a
brush, dripping with thick crimson paint. Well, at least I think it’s paint.
Realizing where I am, I immediately jump up as the door opens.

Coach Branch leans against
the door jamb with a crooked smile on his face. His dark brown eyes gleam, and
his thick brownish hair falls across one eye. His vile body is muscular from
his regular workouts. “What Jay? Aren’t you happy to see me? Haven’t you missed
me?”

Closing my eyes, I will
myself to wake up. It’s just a dream. I have to make myself fucking wake up. My
eyes snap open again when I hear his haunting laugh. My devil stands across
from me. He’s clad in a t-shirt and shorts, the same as Coach Branch’s,
replacing one evil bastard with another.

“Ah, my poor girl. Will you
ever learn? I live here in your thoughts and dreams, never to be abandoned. I
know your true nature and your evil ways. I know how you lie in bed at night as
your defiled body yearns, not for the dead boy in the cold ground, but another.
You know you deserve to be punished.”

Stepping inside, he closes
the door and turns toward me. I blink, only to find Coach Branch standing back
in front of me. Rage fills my mind as energy pours through my body. Fight or
die. Lunging toward him, I aim the end of the wood paint brush at his face, but
he disappears. From behind, I hear him laugh in my ear, “Fight me. I want you
to.” Screaming, I fling my arms out and fight back.

Tangled in my sheets, I
fight myself as I violently flail beneath them. Finally, I free my body from
the jumbled web and shove them to the floor. Breathing heavily, I fall back
onto my pillow. It was just a dream…. only a dream.

~~~~~~~

The next morning, I walk
down to Dr. Raines’s office. Her door is open. I knock in an effort to not
startle her, and she looks up.

“Hi, Jay. Come in and have
seat. What’s going on?

Taking a deep breath, I just
say it. “I’m ready to go home.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen Dr. Raines smile
that big.

“I think you are too. Of
course, I will set you up with a therapist closer to home. I think you should
meet with him or her weekly for now, and make sure you continue your medication
for the time being. I need to ask though; this doesn’t have anything to do with
Eli coming to see me this morning regarding the same thing, does it? Jay, I truly
believe you are ready, but I want you to leave because you believe that you
are.”

“Dr. Raines, I’m scared to
death to leave, but I know, with all my heart, that it’s time. I know there are
things and people that I need to deal with. I’m ready to do that now.”

“That’s all I needed to
hear. Just keep in mind that there are going to be hard days. Surround yourself
with people who care about you, and make sure to stay in daily contact with
them.”

I lean towards her for a
hug, and she envelops me. She speaks gently in my ear.

“Live, Jay. Live every day
like it’s your last. Treasure the moments you have, and make sure you make them
count. The trial is going to be hard on you and your family. Please know that
you can call me anytime.”

She releases me, and I step
back to thank her. “Thank you for listening.” She nods, and I leave her office
for the final time. It’s time to make the call.

I dial my mom’s cell number,
and butterflies consume my stomach as I listen to it ring. Closing my eyes, I
wait for her to answer.

“Hello?” she answers, almost
frantic.

“Hey, Mom.”

“My God, Jay. Is everything
all right?”

“Oh, yes. I didn’t mean to
scare you. I’m calling....I’m ready, well...I think it’s time that I come
home.” There is silence, but only for a second, before my mother squeals and
answers.

“That is wonderful, Jay. Oh
my goodness! Your dad is out of town, but I can come get you. You do want to
come home immediately, right? I can come right now.”

Her enthusiasm puts a smile
on my face. “Yes, today would be great.”

“I’m on my way, Jay. This is
wonderful. Love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. See you
in a little while. Bye”

“Bye, Jay.”

Going to pack everything up,
I think about the last ninety-one days that I’ve been here. It’s been hell, but
at the same time, I can’t help but regard this place as a sanctuary from the
storm that looms on the outside. I’m scared to death just thinking about what
waits for me at home, but I can’t stay here forever. Even I recognize that
everything comes full circle. It’s time to face everything and everyone.

Picking up the letters on
the desk, I pull one from the bottom and open it up. One scribbled sentence.
One statement. One request. One life-changing letter.

You owe it to me to live.

I hug it close to my chest
and close my eyes. My heart beats a mile a minute. I will try first to live for
me, but on the days I feel like I can’t go on, I will live for him. No matter
what.

My eyes fly open when I hear
a tapping sound on my door.

“Knock, knock.” Eli’s
smiling face fills the doorway. “What did the boy squirrel say to the girl
squirrel before he left?”

Shaking my head at him, I
take a deep breath and reply, “I don’t know, what?”

He walks over and stands in
front of me. “I’m nuts about you.”

Tears fill my eyes as I look
at this boy; he owns a small part of my soul. One drop seeps out, running down
my cheek.

He raises his hand and
gently wipes the tear from my face. “My beautiful broken girl. You are healing.
Half the battle is committing to waking up every day and living. So, you’re
ahead of the game. There is something in you, Jay, something special. It calls
to people, makes them want to befriend you, help you, even love you a little,”
he says with a grin.

Moving into his arms, I bury
my face in his neck. “You’re the special one. I’m going to miss you.”

“Oh, you’ll see me enough.
Just remember one thing as you go home, something I’m learning. It’s not about
who left you here. It’s all about who stayed to make sure you lived to love
again. Those people, Jay, are who you surround yourself with, who you never let
go of, and who you live for.”

He holds me for a little
while until we hear the nurse, Tami, from the doorway. “Eli, your mom is here.”

I look up at him and ask,
“Are you going to be okay with your parents?”

“Oh yes. My dad will be fine
for a while. He always is.” Leaning down, he kisses my cheek and whispers,
“Stay sane.” He glances back one more time and smiles before strolling down the
hallway. My friend. My confidant. My earthly redeemer.