ROAR (30 page)

She remained immersed until her vibrator started up on its own.
What the heck?
When she reached down to pick it up, she realized it was her phone vibrating and rolled her eyes at her flight of fancy.

Her heart beat a little faster when
Kristoffer
showed on the screen.

“Hello.” Her voice sounded winded, so she forced her breathing to a steadier rhythm as she sat up. “Is everything all right?” He usually preferred to text rather than call.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Did I catch you in the middle of something?”

“Oh, no! I was just reading.”
And fantasizing about you
. God, she was messed up. “Um, how’s Tori?” Had he visited with her yet today? She pulled the phone away from her ear to check the time. Too early.

“She was doing well when I saw her yesterday. Back to normal anyway.”

“That’s great.” Her words sounded ridiculous as soon as she said them, but at least Kristoffer sounded less stressed now that his wife was out of the hospital.

“Do you want to eat out or in tonight?”

“In, if that’s okay with you. I have something in the crockpot already. I can bring it to your place or we can eat here.”

“Your place sounds easier. I should be there about six-thirty.”

They’d already had the time arranged. What had he really called about?

“Would you like me to bring anything?” he asked.

“Maybe stop by the store and pick up your favorite frozen pie for dessert. I was busy…at the gym this morning and forgot all about picking something up after I received your text.”

“Cherry crumb sound good?”

“Excellent. Grab some vanilla ice cream, too.”

“Will do.”

A silence opened up between them. After a few awkward moments, she asked, “Is there something you need, Kristoffer?” She was never quite sure when to address him as Kristoffer and when as Roar, but unless they were involved in an actual scene, she reverted to Kristoffer.

She wished he’d ask her to do something for him once in a while, but he tended to keep the focus on meeting her needs.

“No, I’m fine. Guess I just wanted to hear your voice. I’m looking forward to tonight.”

After ending the call, she sat there a while trying to make heads or tails of what that call had been about.

Less than three hours later, her heart skipped a beat at the sharp knock on the door.

When she opened it, Kristoffer greeted her with a smile. “Smells great!”

Nothing pleased her more than to hear his praise, and he appreciated everything so much, even little things. “Thanks. It’s a new recipe I found online. I hope it tastes as good as it smells.”

“You’ve yet to prepare a bad meal. Oh, here’s dessert.” He followed her into the kitchen. “I practically salivated all afternoon thinking about coming over here.” He seemed to look forward to their time together as much as she did, which warmed her heart, although her anticipation of his visits had nothing to do with food.

After dinner, Pamela placed the cherry pie in the oven and set the timer. They moved to the living room. Soon Roar emerged and sent her to retrieve her notebook. Suddenly, she remembered that she hadn’t finished today’s assignment other than the fantasy she’d poured out on the pages this afternoon.

She needed to think quickly, because no way did she intend to share that with him. What other need did she have? She’d interpreted his assignment as choosing something to make herself feel better that probably would have no impact on anyone else. But not something like her getting off on a fantasy of him in his sexy suit.

Picking up the incriminating notebook, she dragged her feet on her way back to join him in the living room. Roar was seated on the couch and patted the cushion next to him. She settled next to him, a bundle of nerves.

“Share with me the entry to today’s assignment.”

She didn’t open the notebook for fear he might catch a glimpse at her actual words. What selfish need did she have? Suddenly, one popped into her mind that seemed perfect. It might not be the stuff fantasies were made of for most, but because he’d been very reluctant to touch her thus far, she could think of nothing that would satisfy her more and yet remain within their set limits.

Or did it?

“Is there a problem?”

“No, Sir. I did come up with one. It might seem a little silly—”

“Share it with me. There’s nothing silly about you expressing your needs.”

“Well, I have always…” Why was she stalling? Tonight wasn’t about fantasy, but need.

She took a deep breath, and he furrowed his brows. “Everything all right, Sprite?”

She nodded before standing to pace a little. “Sir, I love that I can talk about almost anything with you, whether as my Top or as Kristoffer.” She smiled down at him as much to reassure him as herself.

“As do I. You’ve filled a lot of dark places for me these past few weeks.”

She sobered. “I can’t tell you how much you’ve helped me see what it is that I want. No, what I
need
.” She glanced away.
How do I put it into words, though?

His smile reassured her a bit. “Repeat back what you were asked to journal about.”

Pamela drew a deep breath and exhaled. “My assignment was to journal about something I need. This is the hardest homework you’ve given me so far, Roar. It’s much easier for me to determine the needs of others and to find ways to serve them than to take a hard look at myself and voice what would help fulfill a need within me.”

“I understand, which is one of the reasons I wanted you to do this assignment. Tell me what it is you need. Ask me, Sprite, before you make yourself sick.”

“Sir…” She bit the inside of her lower lip until she winced in pain. As if a dam had been breached, the words burst out in a rush. “I just…I wondered if perhaps you might consider allowing me to…” If he laughed at her, she’d…

“To?”

“I’d like to lie with my head in your lap and have you stroke my hair while you’re watching TV.” His eyes opened wider.
Darn
. Afraid he’d say no outright, she hurried on. “I know that seems like a bizarre thing to ask for—or need—but, well, having my hair and scalp touched is so comforting to me.”
And it also seemed like a safe place for you to touch me without either of us crossing any lines
.

He stared at her a few moments more before speaking. “You honor me with your request. I don’t see what harm there could be.”

She sighed deeply, and her body relaxed. “Really? You’d do that for me?”

He chuckled as he nodded his head. “I’m a Dom. How could I deny such a heartfelt request when all you’re doing is responding to my assignment? You did well, by the way.”

She wanted to launch herself into his lap, but showed a bit of restraint. “Thank you! Can we start tonight?”

“Of course.”

“Why don’t you pick out a movie to watch in case you get too bored?”

“I doubt I could get bored when I’m with you, Sprite.” But he went over to the entertainment stand and flipped through the DVDs in the basket by the television, scanning the titles of her collection that was a mixture of romantic comedies, chick flicks, and classics. He held up a special-edition copy of
The Wizard of Oz
. “How about this one?”

“Oh my gosh, I haven’t seen that in forever!”

He grinned. “It’s always been one of my favorite films, so the
Wizard
, it is.” He placed it in the player and returned to the couch with the remote.

He rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt, reminding her of the fantasy she’d written that took place in his office, but thought it best that she put that scenario entirely out of her mind. Perhaps she’d just pretend this was aftercare instead.

“Can I fix you something to drink first?” she asked.

“No, I’m fine.” He sat at the end of the couch. While anxious to begin, she was nervous about jumping in until he motioned her to join him. “Stretch out on the sofa and place your head in my lap.”

She did as instructed, but before she placed her head on his lap, he put a throw pillow there. Probably a good idea if this was going to remain as G-rated as the movie they were watching.

He fiddled with the remote, and soon the familiar music and opening credits were playing. She lay waiting for him to touch her hair. Instead, his hand came to rest on her arm. He stroked up and down her exposed flesh to relax her, but goose bumps broke out wherever he touched.

“Cold?”

Not on your life.

“No. Are you?”

He chuckled and the vibration came through the pillow. “Lie down.” The firmness of his voice sent a thrill down her spine.

Her heart raced faster when his hand finally stroked her hair, starting at the nape and weaving his hand up and over the back of her scalp.
Yes!
She closed her eyes, able to picture the movie in her head without watching after having seen it dozens of times.

He tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear and continued to run his hand through the strands, this time massaging her scalp as well.

“Mmm.” She’d died and gone to heaven.

“Like that?”

“You have no idea how many women can be turned to mush by having someone play with their hair.”

“Really?”

Apparently, his wife hadn’t been like her in that regard if he wasn’t aware of this. She smiled, welcoming differences between what Kristoffer had done in the past with Tori and what he did now with her. Not that she was in any kind of competition.

Ding!

She jumped at the sound, yanked from her not-quite-fantasy musings, and realized the pie needed to be checked. Bounding up from the couch, welcoming the break in contact to regroup from letting those thoughts about Kristoffer become dangerous, she headed toward the kitchen. “Be right back.”

“Take your time.” His voice sounded husky.

After placing the pie on the cooling rack, she returned to the living room to find Kristoffer standing at the window, staring down at the street or something outside. He didn’t turn when she entered the room, so she announced her presence. Still no response.

“Everything okay?”

He turned to face her, a look akin to anguish on his face. “I’m sorry, but I need more time before I can do this.”

His words surprised her. As best she could tell, they hadn’t done anything to compromise his vows. Would time really help if he continued to shut down?

“Perhaps we can talk about what’s going on.”

“Pamela, I’m not comfortable with the feelings being stirred up when I touch you, even when it’s perfectly innocent.”

She felt the heat rise into her cheeks as she remembered the thoughts that had been going through her head when he touched her. If he needed to take it slower, then she’d slow down. She sat in the middle of the couch and patted the cushion beside her. “Come on. Let’s just watch the movie, have some pie after it cools, and call it a night.”

He stared at her a long time before closing the gap between them and sitting down. “I’m sorry.”

“No worries. I kind of hit you out of the blue without giving you a chance to prepare mentally.”

While they didn’t actually make body contact, heat emanated from his body. She pressed play, and the movie resumed. They watched silently until Dorothy encountered the scarecrow before Pamela paused it again.

“Pie time. Do you want ice cream on yours?”

“Is there any other way to eat cherry pie?”

She shook her head and laughed, happy they’d gotten past the tension from half an hour ago. “Never!”

Pamela led the way to the kitchen and served each a generous portion with a huge scoop of vanilla bean ice cream. As they sat at the dining room table, he praised her baking skills, and she laughed, considering she’d done nothing but heat it up. But he’d come out of his earlier funk, which made her happy, too.

Give him time
. She could only imagine how such a domestic scene must have rattled his memories of similar times with his wife.

After finishing her pie, she yawned, hoping he didn’t see through her ruse. “Would you mind it if I called it a night a little early?”

Relief showed on his face. Should she let him off the hook for future evenings together? No, she didn’t think that would help him learn to move on and start living again. She hoped that, over time, he’d see the benefits of companionship.

They carried their dishes to the sink, and she rinsed them off before turning to him. “Thanks for bringing dessert.”

He shuffled his feet and looked down. His sudden shyness—or whatever she wanted to call it—charmed her. When he met her gaze again, he surprised her. “Why don’t I pick up dinner tomorrow, and we can finish the movie?”

“I already know how it ends.”

He smiled. “As do I. But I dropped the ball tonight and didn’t follow through on my promise.”

“No one set a time limit for when you had to fulfill this need of mine.” He’d opened the door a crack, though. She should at least let him in. “Okay, you’re on for dinner. I’m looking forward to it.”

He touched the tip of her nose with his crooked index finger, warming her insides more than the pie had. “You’re so easy to please, Sprite.”

No, I just know when not to push you too hard.

*     *     *

Don’t get used to this, man.

During their almost nightly visits over the last two-and-a-half weeks, sometimes at her place and others at his, Pamela made sure he ate well and had a sounding board to talk with about Tori, work, or whatever was on his mind. He’d grown more comfortable with their “couch time,” as they came to call it, and quickly made it through much of her DVD collection. At his place, they accessed a popular movie streaming subscription service he’d neglected for years. They managed to watch a complete film each night now without him suffering a meltdown.

Some nights, though, they simply had dinner, took a stroll in the neighborhood, or lingered at the table after dinner to talk. But having Pamela lying with her head in his lap still gave him some anxiety and made him wish there could be something more. He stroked her silky hair, trying not to think about touching her in other ways, in other places.

While those desires went against everything he believed in, Pamela fulfilled his yearning to be needed again. Tori didn’t know he existed anymore. He’d continue to watch over her and ensure she was well cared for, but the days of her longing for him were gone.