ROAR (26 page)

“How does that compare to being a submissive in a BDSM scene?”

“I’m no longer in control.”

“Oh, the submissive maintains all of the control in a scene. You have the safeword, remember.”

“True. But I have to surrender to someone else’s authority.”

“Exactly as it should be if you’re submissive and with a Dom worthy of your surrender. The two of you will already have held negotiations, and you will have agreed to receive whatever he wishes to give, whether it’s some sort of play or in discipline to help you improve in some area. Given your submissive desire to please, I predict you won’t use a safeword unless you hit a trigger or he’s ignored your limits.”

“Probably not. I suppose where I’m hung up is in not knowing what’s coming but being expected to respond in the appropriate way even if I don’t know the Dom’s preferences. That puts me in a vulnerable position.”

“The only thing your Dom expects you to do is show respect, obedience, and attentiveness. That vulnerability coupled with a deep trust you have for the Dom—well, after you’ve been together long enough to establish that—is where the magic happens, Sprite.” He tweaked her nose, but had her mind spinning. He made everything so clear. “There aren’t any absolutes in the lifestyle unless you’re in a dynamic with lots of set protocols. Even in those, though, you’ll be informed of the Dom’s expectations ahead of time and will know how you are expected to respond—or
if
you need to respond at all. Most of the time, your only responsibility to your Dom is to stay in the moment. If that doesn’t give you a sense of excitement and fulfillment, then perhaps you’re a closet Domme.”

Was she? No way.

He didn’t wait for her to react to his words, though. “I think we’ll know more after we conduct a few more exercises and scenes. With a little work, I’m confident we’ll find ways for you to improve your focus.”

Cuddled here in his arms, she felt as if they could conquer anything they set their minds to.

“Because Gunnar’s always mentored me in the lifestyle, would I have permission to seek his advice and use your name, or would you prefer to remain anonymous?”

She’d been right about where Roar had learned his skills as a Dom.

“Before Gunnar suggested that I go to the academy, I’d asked him about mentoring me based on Heidi’s recommendation, so he knows I’m in the lifestyle. Feel free to discuss my case.” She grinned because she made it sound as though she were his patient. “Sometimes two heads are better than one.” Besides, she might present problems requiring ideas from both of the Doms.

“I ask that you remain open to surprises and the unexpected while we work together. Any power-exchange partnership, temporary or long-term, will have an element of the unknown to it. Some find that exhilarating. How about you?”

“It’s different for Dominants. You guide the scene and can steer it in any direction you wish. There are no scary surprises for you unless something goes wrong.”

He chuckled. “Your opinion on how Doms think is based on how many firsthand experiences?”

She blinked and drew a deep breath. “Two—and one was so long ago I’m not even sure he was a Dom. Neither of us knew what we were doing.”

“There are times when no amount of planning is going to eliminate all problems, but I do try to minimize unwelcome surprises, at least.”

They sat in silence a few moments before he spoke again. “I’m going to give you a new assignment to start tomorrow. Keep a journal. In your first entries, write about what you hope to achieve as a submissive. We’ll stop at the drug store and pick up a notebook for you to use, because I don’t want you distracted by the Internet while journaling on your computer. Besides, some think the mind is easier to tap into when we write by hand.”

“Yes, Sir.” Was that why he always had pen and paper in meetings and took his notes the old-fashioned way?

“You’ll share pertinent journal entries with me, but I’ll let you choose what information you want to share aloud with me. So be honest with yourself. Pour your soul into those pages.”

“I’ll try, Roar, Sir.”

“I’m confident you will. During your second day of journaling, I want you to look back on all the relationships you’ve had over the course of your life with male authority figures, including your dad, grandfathers, uncles, teachers, bosses, big brothers, Doms—you name it—and determine how they contributed to your desire to serve and submit.”

“I don’t have any big brothers, and my grandfathers were both deceased before I knew them.”

“I’m merely citing suggestions. It’s up to you to figure out who qualifies as significant and then write an analysis of your relationship with each one. What moments stand out in your mind? How did each one make you feel as a girl or later as a woman? In what ways did each let you down? In what ways did they build you up?”

Two journaling assignments, plus the brain-training site. Nothing sounded terribly difficult, but it all sounded solitary. When would she spend time with him again?

Their time tonight must be nearing an end. He motioned her to take her seat beside him on the couch again. They chatted on as Roar tried to determine more of her likes, dislikes, limits, and preferences. Added to the no-way list—severe pain, bloodletting, and being passed over to others for scenes without her consent.

When they’d exhausted their negotiations, he said, “I think I’d better be getting you home. First, though, repeat back to me what you heard me give you as assignments over the next two days?”

“You said you’d be e-mailing me tomorrow with the link to a web site you want me to go on and do brain-training exercises. Also tomorrow, you want me to start a journal, and in my first entry, I’m to list why I identify as a submissive and what I hope to gain from a relationship with a Dominant. Lastly, you asked me to journal the day after tomorrow on the men in my life from childhood on and analyze what each might have contributed to my desire to serve.”

“
Significant
men in your life.”

“Oh, yes; a much shorter list.” She smiled.

“Good job of listening.” He stood. “I think we’ve accomplished enough tonight.”

She hated for their time to come to an end, but stood as well. “Mind if I use the bathroom before we leave?”

“No, of course not. Remember the way?”

She nodded. To both of them, actually. She opted for the one at the opposite end of the condo near his office. In another configuration, his office would have been a guest bedroom, she supposed.

After she joined him again, she followed him to the elevator and then to his car. True to his word, they stopped at an all-night pharmacy, and she bought a spiral-bound notebook. Nothing fancy, given the selection, but with lots of pages for her to fill with her thoughts and assignments. If she enjoyed journaling, she might go to a bookstore and find something she could relate to more for her next journal.

On the drive back to Aurora, she realized he hadn’t mentioned anything about seeing her tomorrow as Kristoffer or Roar, but wouldn’t ask. He’d inform her when he was ready.

She’d just have to become used to surprises from him.

*     *     *

“You’ve agreed to do
what
?” Hearing the shock in Gunnar’s voice through his cell phone caught him off guard before bringing a smile to his face. Kristoffer rarely did anything spontaneous anymore. Clearly, his cousin hadn’t seen this coming. Who could have?

“You heard me. I’m going to train Pamela in some aspects of the lifestyle, namely focus and concentration. We began working yesterday and had a longer session tonight.”

“About time. How’d it go?”

“Like getting back on a bicycle.”

“Good for you. Even though you may not have had a play partner in a while, once a Dom, always a Dom. With your skill and patience, you’ll be perfect for what Pamela needs.”

“But I can already see that I’m going to need your help.”

“With what?”

“Put in a good word with Grant about expediting our club applications. I’ll submit the preliminary test results and paperwork for us both tomorrow, but I’d like to use the club’s facilities rather than do this here at my condo. I’m not equipped for anything beyond the rudimentary scene.”

“With FarFar’s bed, are you kidding? That’s a rigger’s dream.”

Kristoffer grew serious. “I don’t think playing in my bedroom would be wise. This will be a strictly platonic relationship.”

Silence ensued on the other end until Gunnar spoke, “Keep your options open, Kris.” The words echoed the ones he’d given Pamela earlier tonight. “You’ve merely been hibernating, but spring has come, Cuz. Time to wake up. Come out of your cave.”

Kristoffer sighed. Trouble was, there would never be another spring for Kristoffer. “This training will be rudimentary. I can’t become involved on an emotional level. You know that.”

“I know nothing of the kind.”

Kristoffer didn’t intend to go into whether he was available or not. “I’ll merely be trying to help her improve her focus. I did serve as a Top to a few people in your dungeon, you may recall, without cheating on my wife. I’m not looking for a submissive.” Especially not one like Pamela whom he could really become hooked on.

“Kris, you aren’t doing yourself or Tori any favors by locking yourself up in a self-imposed monastery. You both got dealt a load of shit, but have to ruck on.”

“Look, I didn’t call you for an Army training lecture.”

“Sorry, comes with the territory. What you’re going through was a lot longer and harder than a ruck march, but you’ve been bogged down in limbo for four years. You aren’t a widower, but aren’t really married, either.”

“I’m very much married.”

“On paper, maybe, but Tori isn’t a full participant any longer. It takes two to make a marriage, Cuz. But before you jump down my throat, nobody said anything about replacing Tori.”

“Don’t tell me how to be married. You have no clue. You’ve never married.” Kristoffer regretted his words immediately.

A tenseness entered Gunnar’s voice. “Not for a lack of trying. I know all about waiting around for someone who may never be available to me. But I’m not going to become a monk in the meantime. Heidi knew that when she made her choice to move halfway around the globe.”

“Tori didn’t have a choice. I took that away from her.”

“Goddamn it, man, don’t you fucking go there. You were both involved in an accident. A fucking
accident
. No one was at fault.”

“I was too tired to drive. I shouldn’t have been behind the wheel. Or should have headed home earlier that night.”

“Well, pardon me, Saint Kristoffer, for thinking all this time you were a mere mortal like the rest of us.”

“I nearly killed my wife! Shit, for all intents and purposes, I
did
kill her. Until you’ve done that to someone
you
care about, you have no bloody clue.”

Gunnar became silent again.
Fuck
. Kristoffer rubbed his eyes, wishing he could take the words back. “Sorry, man. You know I didn’t mean that. I’m not thinking clearly these days.”

Not since a red-haired sprite invaded my world.

But Gunnar lived with his own survivor guilt after putting his paramilitary troops in harm’s way years ago, just a few months before Tori’s accident. Not everyone on his team had made it back alive. One loss had been particularly difficult for him. Kristoffer had expected Gunnar to shut down his contracting business as a result, but thought his cousin had gotten over the tragic loss of one of his top operatives—a man who had served in Special Forces with him. He’d come back with a vengeance, although as far as Kristoffer knew, he’d yet to avenge the loss of that man.

“Pull your head out of your fourth point of contact, Kris, and you might start thinking a whole lot more clearly.” He relaxed, hearing the combativeness in Gunnar’s voice as a positive sign he wasn’t dwelling on the past. “You need someone else to think about for a change, even if it’s temporary and platonic.”

He hoped he could keep this platonic. Then why was his mind playing tricks on him again? An image of Pamela naked and restrained to his bed made his cock harden. He slammed the lid down on it before unleashing any more impossible dreams.

No, it wasn’t that he didn’t trust
her
to remain platonic. She’d never crossed the line. The problem was he didn’t trust himself. All these years, he’d been strong and faithful to Tori, but that had come crashing down the night he’d seen Pamela standing naked and proud in front of a class at the academy.

Like a fairy sprite. Or a fiery goddess.

On the other hand, the time he’d spent with Pamela these past few weeks did make him feel good. Too good.

Which was wrong on so many levels. He shouldn’t be enjoying life with another woman when his wife was doomed to the hell he’d put her in.

Time to change the subject. “When do you plan to fly out?”

“Wednesday. Oh, a freight delivery was made today at the hangar. One of the items you two ordered.”

“Great. E-mail or text me the details, and we’ll mark it off the list.”

Suddenly, he remembered what else he’d wanted to ask Gunnar about Pamela’s training. “What do you know about working with an alpha sub?”

“Some of my fondest moments have been with an alpha. Does Pamela identify as such?”

“She thinks so, but I don’t know the first thing about how to work with one.”

“Prepare for a power struggle, but keep reminding her who’s in charge. Over time, she’ll come to respect you and find you worthy of her surrender, but it won’t come easy.”

“I doubt I’ll be working with her that long.”

Gunnar sighed. “However long, remember she’s used to being in control. Don’t let her get away with topping from the bottom.”

“Yeah, I’ve already seen a bit of it, and we’ve hardly started.”

Gunnar laughed. “You may want to add a ball gag to whatever else you think you need when you scene with her.”

He understood Gunnar’s concern Pamela might top from the bottom, but the thought of gagging her didn’t appeal to him. He actually enjoyed talking with her, although most of their conversations had been as peers, not in a Top/bottom dynamic. Of course, he wouldn’t do her any favors by permitting her to get away with disrespectful behavior. If she did go on to find a Dom worthy of her, it was doubtful he’d stand for it.