Rise (23 page)

“Riley,” I interrupted.

“What?”

“I’m talking about you. You and all you’re left to deal with.”

He waved his hand in the air as if he were pushing the subject aside. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I am worried about you. I’m worried about both of us. I’m really, really confused. Things are really bad right now.”

“We’ll get through it.”

“No, Riley, I need to get through it.”

“So you’ll get through it.”

“Riley!” I was losing my patience with him. I wanted him to see what it was I was trying to say so I wouldn’t actually have to say it out loud, but he couldn’t. Either he couldn’t or he just wouldn’t. “I need to walk through this alone,” I finally said.

His face turned red. “What on earth did your dad say to you in here? I knew I shouldn’t have left you two alone.”

“This isn’t about him. It’s about us. It’s about me and you and the decision that I have to make in order to do what’s best for both of us.”

His forehead creased. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t know. I think I’m saying we need some time—”

“Don’t.”

“ … apart. I think we need some time apart.”

He jumped out of his seat and started pacing. “Seriously, we’re back here again? How many times are we gonna have this conversation?”

“This is the last time.”

He stopped dead in his tracks. “Watch it, Charlie, you’re sounding awfully final.”

“I know.”

He shook his head. “We’re not doing this right now. We’re not having this conversation in this room and under these circumstances.”

“We need time apart.”

“I don’t. I don’t need time away from you. I don’t want that.”

“I want that for you.”

“No.”

“I heard it. I heard everything you said to my dad when you thought I was asleep. You weren’t just describing my life over the last year and a half. You were describing your life too. You were describing everything you’ve had to live through because of me.”

He kept shaking his head, as if he was trying to keep the sound of my voice from entering his ears. “No.”

“You lost the summer of the accident because you were sitting in my hospital room. Since last summer you’ve had to take care of me. Whether it was nightmares or bullies at school or my dad, you’ve been stuck having to pick up all my pieces and try to put me back together again. You’ve been stuck with all my problems.”

“No, I haven’t.”

“You have.”

“It’s been my choice. I’ve not been stuck doing anything.”

“I want you to have at last part of your senior year to be free.”

“No.”

“You deserve to have fun.”

“We do have fun.”

I ignored him. “You deserve to not have to worry about someone else all the time.”

He violently shook his head and pressed his lips together.

“And I need to not feel guilty for ruining your life.”

“You don’t ruin my life. You’re tired and sick, and you aren’t thinking clearly. We can discuss this later. Right now you just need to rest.”

“We don’t need to discuss it later, Riley. My mind’s made up. I may be confused and I may be sick and tired, but I do know what’s best for us right now, and it’s not for us to be together.”

“Don’t. Please don’t do this.” Tears streamed down his face. “I love you, Charlie. I wanna be with you, baggage and all.”

“I need to know that you are enjoying your life, and I need to know that I can carry my baggage all on my own.”

He sat back in the chair. “So what are you saying to me?”

“I’m moving back to New York.”

“What?” he screamed.

“It’s what’s best.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“My dad wants me back. I owe it to him to try, and after everything you’ve done for me and everything you’ve been through, I owe it to you to let you go.”

“No!”

I covered my face with my hands.

“Charlie, look at me.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look at him. “I’m doing this because I love you. I can’t be with you right now. I can’t be a burden to you anymore. I can’t have you look at me one more time with pain in your eyes. I can’t cause you pain anymore.”

“This is causing me pain. Don’t you get that? This pain is worse because not only do I still hurt for you, but now I hurt because I lose you too. You’re adding to my pain, not taking it away.”

“Eventually it’ll be too much for you, Riley. I know it will be. You’ll walk … ”

“I’m not walking anywhere. I’m not your dad.”

“Don’t.”

“Look at me!” he shouted. I felt him stand, and his face come close to mine.

I slammed my eyes shut.

“If you’re gonna do this, then you do it looking at me. You owe me that much.”

I lowered my hands and opened my eyes. His face was bright crimson and strained.

“This isn’t about what’s best for you or me. Don’t lie to yourself or to me. You’re punishing me for something your dad did. That’s not fair.”

“I’m not blaming you, Riley. I’m protecting you.”

“You aren’t protecting me at all. You’re pushing me away because of something that could happen, not something that has. You’re afraid—”

“It will happen. We’re young—too young. We fell in love too soon. You had to know this couldn’t last forever.”

“No, I didn’t know that. People last. Relationships last.”

“Not very often.”

“Often enough. My parents are proof of that.”

“And my parents are proof of the opposite. It may have taken twenty years, but my dad—”

His fists slammed into the mattress next to me. “I’m not your dad!”

“Well, I’m my dad’s daughter.”

He shook his head in disgust. “So what, you’re saying you’d eventually walk away because your dad did?”

“Maybe. There’s always that chance.”

“Shouldn’t taking that chance be my choice? It’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

“I won’t let you.”

He reached for my hand, but I pulled it away. “And besides, Riley, I have to try to work things out with my dad. No matter how much he’s messed up, I have to let him try.”

“And you can’t do that from here?”

I shook my head.

“So this is it?” he asked. “You’re ending us? Everything we’ve had? After everything we’ve been through? All over something that may never happen?”

“I guess so.” I suppose the words came out more harshly than I intended. I wasn’t trying to be cruel. It truly was a guess.

In a daze, he slowly stood from the bed and walked to the door. Without turning to face me, he spoke again. “One of these days you’re gonna have to stop running.”

He opened the door and walked away.

What else could I have done? If I would have let Riley say any more, he probably would’ve won me over, and that wouldn’t have been what was best for either one of us.

I pushed the nurse’s call button and waited in silence until she arrived.

“Yes, Attie?”

“I don’t want any more visitors.”

“Are you sure? There’s a room full of people waiting out here to see you.”

“Send them all home. Tell them that I don’t want to see anyone and won’t for a while. There’s no point in everyone waiting around.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No. Please turn my light off and leave me alone.”

“I’ll turn the light off, but I’ll be in and out to check on you. I won’t talk unless you want me to. Just call me if you need me.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

The room went dim, and I slouched further into my bed as I pretended not to see Jesus sitting on the windowsill.

chapter 31

(Riley)

I walked outside for the first time in days. The bright sunlight practically blinded me as I stumbled out to the cement bench just a few yards away. The cold stone sent a chill through my body, and I realized that I didn’t have a coat. We’d left the house so fast that I didn’t have time to think about grabbing one, and I’d been inside the hospital for so long that I didn’t realize it had turned so cold.

I heard the door open behind me and knew who it was without even looking.

“She’s going back,” I said.

Mom sat down next to me but didn’t speak.

“I shouldn’t have left them alone together. It’s like one minute all was well, and the next minute everything fell apart.”

She looked over at me. “Riley, be honest with yourself. All was not well, and it hasn’t been for a long time.”

“Maybe things were falling apart around us, but we were well. We were happy. We’re good together.”

“I know you are.”

“I can’t believe she’s doing this to us. The crazy thing is, she thinks that she’s helping me. She thinks this is a good thing.”

“It might be.”

“How can you even say that?”

“I was a lifeguard while I was in high school.”

I felt my eyes roll. I wasn’t in the mood for one of Mom’s strolls through childhood.

“One of the things they taught us in training was how to handle a person that’s drowning.”

I had to fight the urge to say “duh.”

“It’s the job of a lifeguard to do everything in their power to save someone if they’re struggling—unless by trying to save the victim, you yourself could end up drowning.” She picked up my hand and held it in hers. “You see, when someone’s drowning, they can lose all common sense. Fear takes over, and they’ll lash out at anyone or anything. They think they’re saving themselves, but in reality, they’re causing both people to sink. The reason it happens is, while they think they’re swimming and saving themselves, they’re actually working against the efforts of the lifeguard who’s trying to save them.”

“So what are you supposed to do?”

“You let them go.”

I made the connection of what she was saying. It broke my heart. They weren’t the words I wanted to hear. What I wanted her to be telling me was that I needed to fight for Attie, find a way to make her stay. The last thing I wanted to hear her say was that I needed to let her go.

“You let go and you wait until they either come to their senses or until they wear out and stop thrashing around. Once all their energy is gone, you can grab them and bring them to safety. But the most important lesson of being a lifeguard is that you don’t ever let yourself become a victim when you’re busy trying to be the rescuer.

“Riley, Attie’s letting you go so she doesn’t take you down with her.”

I fought the urge to cry, and doing so made my entire body shake.

“She sees what’s happening to her, and she doesn’t want you to suffer just because she has to.”

“Isn’t that my choice?”

“It should be. But sometimes we can’t make the right decisions for ourselves. She’s making the decision that she knows you won’t.”

“You think she’s doing the right thing?”

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I believe she thinks she’s doing the right thing. So, while you have every right to be hurt, I don’t think you have the right to be angry. She’s trying to protect you. It’s like what she did with the cheer squad. She’s stepping aside so that life can get back to normal.”

“I don’t want a normal life if it means she isn’t part of it.”

“I don’t either.”

I gave up on trying to keep from crying and let the tears come. Mom held my hand and let me cry. She didn’t say another word until my dad joined us on the bench.

“I just talked to Eddie. He told me Attiline was going back to New York.”

“We heard,” she said.

“I don’t know if I can do it,” I said through sniffles. “I don’t want to let her go.”

“When you were six years old, you were bound and determined to get the training wheels off your bike so that you could ride around with the big kids.”

I looked over at Dad. What on earth this had to do with Attie was beyond me.

“Your mom thought it was too early, but I thought we should go ahead and let you give it a try. So your mom put on your elbow pads and your kneepads and your football helmet and sent you outside.

“We practiced a few times, had a few falls and knee scrapes, but there wasn’t anything I could say or do to make you change your mind. So I put you back on the bike, gave you a push, and ran alongside you for a while as I held on to the back of your seat. Then, when I realized you were peddling hard enough, I let you go. I let you go not because I wanted to and not because I wasn’t scared for you—because I was—but I let you go because it’s what you wanted.

“That’s what we did for Attiline while she was here. We helped get her up on her feet and walked along beside her until she was finally ready to go it alone. Now she wants us to let her go, and it’s our job to do it. We have to let her go.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re looking at this from the perspective of a parent. You look at it like you’ve trained her and she’s off and flying to a better life. But that’s not who I am, it’s not who we are. I love her. I wanted her to be a part of my life. I saw her in my future.”

“Who’s to say that’s changing?” Mom asked.

“She broke up with me. She’s leaving.”

“True. But she’s left before and always come back. This is her home.”

My mom was wishful thinking. There was no way Attie’s dad was going to let her come back. Like he said, he’d come to Oklahoma to fight for her. He wasn’t going to let her go without another fight, and I wasn’t sure she wanted me to fight back.

“Riley, let her go. If it’s meant to be, she’ll come back.”

“And if she doesn’t?”

“Then as painful as it is, we’ll find a way to go on without her.”

chapter 32

(Attie)

It was ironic. Cheering football fans were celebrating on the television in the family room, and I was standing outside Riley’s bedroom door in grief. I could hear my dad and Pops downstairs making polite small talk as they loaded the car with my belongings, but I didn’t hear Marme’s voice at all.

“Riley?” I stood staring at his door. “Will you please let me say good-bye?”

He didn’t respond.

“Riley?” I tried to turn the door handle, but it was locked. I waited a few more minutes before realizing he wasn’t going to open the door for me and then finally walked downstairs and out the front door. I didn’t step off the porch. I couldn’t.

Marme stood completely still. Only her eyes moved as she watched her husband load boxes into my car. If I were touring a museum, she could have easily passed as a marble statue. Her body was lifeless, and her skin was gray. I was fully aware I was breaking her heart—all of their hearts—and I could tell by my dad’s demeanor that he too understood the gravity of the moment.

It didn’t escape my attention that these moments on the Bennetts’ driveway were completely opposite of when I’d arrived in May.

“That’s pretty much everything,” Pops said as he threw the last one in.

I could only nod. My throat was too dry to speak, and my knees were shaking so violently that any words that did manage to escape would be trembling.

“Is there anything else you need?”

I shook my head before turning and glancing through the open front door. Still no sign of Riley, although I’m not sure why I was surprised. I hadn’t laid eyes on him since he walked out of my hospital room just after we broke up.

“I’ll let you say good-bye,” Dad said as he climbed into the car and pulled the door closed.

Marme ran to me, pulled me to her, and cried into my shoulder; but as quickly as it started and before I could react, she was back inside the house. It was the first time I’d ever been in her presence and didn’t hear her speak. I hadn’t heard her voice since she’d stood in the entryway the night before Thanksgiving and asked my father to leave. I desperately wanted to hear her voice. I wanted her advice. She was a mom, and she knew everything. I needed her to tell me that everything was going to be okay, but she didn’t. She was gone.

My knees finally gave out, and I lowered myself to the porch step. “It’s not like I have a choice or anything. I have to try.”

Pops sat down beside me and took my left hand in both of his. “I know you do. We understand that, Attiline, but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier. We love you and we want you here with us. I guess you can call us selfish like that.”

“You’re the most unselfish people I know.”

“Not when it comes to you.”

“Especially when it comes to me.” Out of the corner of my eye, I could see tears fall from his face onto the step below us. Seeing his tears caused my own to fall freely. “I don’t want to go; I just have to.”

He nodded.

“I hope one day you can forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. You’re doing the right thing. You’re taking some time, trying to sort things out, and giving your dad a shot at making things right. Nobody can hold that against you.”

“Not even Riley?”

“Especially not Riley.”

“But he hates me.”

“He loves you. It’s the situation he hates.”

“What if I’m wrong? What if this ends up being one big mistake?”

“Then you come home. You’re always welcome here, no matter what. We’ll always want you here.”

“Even now that Riley and I are over?”

“Even then.”

“Other than Riley, I’m going to miss you the most.” I was now sobbing. “I’m going to miss talking to you.”

“I want you to promise me that you’ll call at least once every few weeks. Call me on my cell phone if you have to. At least let me hear your voice every once in a while, all right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Attiline, my love for you isn’t dependent upon your relationship with my son. I’ve told you before and I’ll say it again; I love you like you were my own daughter. Nothing’s gonna change that. Not even being a thousand miles apart.”

“I love you too. I always will.”

I rested my head on his shoulder and looked over at my father in the car. He wasn’t watching us.

“Are you ready to get in the car?”

I kept my head on his shoulder. “No.”

“All right then.”

He squeezed my hand, and the two of us sat on the porch for several more minutes before Dad rolled the window down and told me it was time to hit the road.

“Come on, let’s get you in the car before we both completely lose it.”

“I already have.”

“I have too.” He stood, pulled me to my feet, and led me to the car as my dad rolled the window back up.

Finally looking at Pops, I noticed his eyes were bright red and full of tears. He almost said something but stopped himself. Instead, he reached up, gave my cheek a pat, and walked away. As he did, I saw Riley standing in the doorway.

“Ri—”

“Don’t. Don’t say my name.” His dad walked past him, inside the house and out of sight. “If I come down there, you can’t talk. I can’t hear you say it.”

I nodded. It was a silent promise that I wouldn’t say the word good-bye.

After what felt like an eternity, he bounded down the steps and swept me into his arms. The embrace lasted only a few seconds before he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me.

I wanted to change my mind. I wanted to tell him that I was wrong and I wanted to stay with him, but I knew I was right. I needed to let him live his life—without me and all my problems. And I needed to deal with my problems so in the future, whether it was with him or someone else, I could have a healthy relationship.

His lips retreated, and within moments he ran right back into the house, slamming the door behind him.

I was left standing alone.

For the first time since before waking up in the hospital and finding Jesus in my room, I felt completely alone.