Ricochet (78 page)

Rick traced little circles on his sub's back,

wondering how the hell they were going to get out

of this mess. "Damn my fucking father," he

growled.

"Would have happened at some point

anyway," Matt muttered, looking up at him. "I feel

like we're sort of evolving, Rick. We were both so

new to being a dom and sub when we got together.

I'd never even experienced my true submission

until I met you, and you'd always been so scared of

fully embracing your dom side. We've opened up

parts of ourselves that are new to us and freak us

out; this was always waiting to happen."

"Yeah, you could be right. Difference is, you

always face your fears head-on, Matt, while I run

from mine."

"That's not true! Your dad raised you that

way, sure, but you're not him." Matt rested his head

on Rick's shoulder. "I didn't expect to feel like this,

Rick, but you unlocked something in me when you

collared me, and I'm discovering something about

myself every day. I had no idea I'd feel so strongly

about this; it's blindsided me."

Rick played with his sub's hair gently. "I get

that, Matty. It's the same for me. I've never really

taken responsibility for a sub before, and I don't

know how it works. Who knew relationships were

so complicated, huh?"

Matt sighed. "I know. I thought once you

found someone you were crazy in love with, and

who loved you back, then it'd all be easy after that.

Guess I was wrong."

"Yeah." Rick chuckled. "Seems like we both

still have a lot to learn. Look, I was thinking while

I was doing all that punching - how about a non-

physical punishment?"

Matt frowned. "Like what?"

"I dunno - you do all the cooking for a month,

maybe?" Rick suggested.

"That sounds more like a punishment for you

than me." They exchanged a brief smile at that.

Matt sat up and looked at him. "I know this is one

of yours worst fears, Rick. I know how you feel

about hurting subs and why. I can understand that,

and I hate that I'm putting you in this position."

Rick sighed. "It'll be okay, Matty. We'll figure

it out," he said, with more optimism than he felt.

"Will we? How?" Matt looked up at him

earnestly.

Rick thought about it for a moment. Matt was

right - he was floundering because of his own lack

of experience, and he needed some good advice

from a dom he trusted. Unfortunately, he'd never

had many of those in his life.

Rick dropped a kiss on his sub's head and

then disengaged himself and got up. "I'm going

out," he said. "Be here when I get back."

He made a phone call and then took a shower

and got dressed in a pair of black chinos, a thick

black leather belt with a fancy silver buckle in the

shape of an eagle, and a plain black shirt. He

shouldered himself into his black leather jacket,

grabbed his wallet, phone and keys, and left the

house.

He drove his Harley to the coffee shop and

went inside, looking around as he unbuckled his

helmet.

"Hey." A familiar figure stood up and waved

to him. "I got you coffee."

Karl pointed at the table, and Rick sat down

opposite him in the small, private booth. "I was

surprised to get your call. I know what newly

collared couples are like," Karl said, with a

knowing grin. "I'm amazed you've even come up

for air yet."

"Hmm. Yeah." Rick swirled his spoon around

in his coffee for a long time, wondering where to

start.

"So… why are we here?" Karl asked. "It

sounded pretty important on the phone."

"Yeah. It is." Rick swirled some more.

Karl sat back with a sigh. "In your own time,

O'Shea."

"Right."

They were silent for a long time. Karl clearly

wasn't going to make this easy for him by drawing

him out in conversation, and Rick didn't have a

clue where to start. He'd never had to deal with

emotional situations before; he'd always happily

avoided them.

"Matt wants to go to a punisher," he blurted

out suddenly.

Karl leaned forward again, looking startled.

"Uh. Okay. That was unexpected. I think you need

to give me some more information if you want my

advice. I take it that's why I'm here?"

"Yeah, I didn't know who else to ask. See, I

know a lot of doms." Rick thought of his old dom

friends, like Cilla and Hannah. "But they aren't

really serious doms, if you get my meaning. It's all

a game to them. I wanted to talk to someone real,

someone who gets it."

"So you came to me?" Karl looked both

pleased and surprised.

"Well, you've been kicking my ass about Matt

for the past few months, and your advice hasn't

turned out to be totally crappy so far." Rick made a

face. "So yeah, I figured you were the one to ask."

"A ringing endorsement if ever I heard one!"

Karl rolled his eyes. "Come on, mate - tell me

what's going on. Why the hell would Matt, of all

people, feel the urge to go and see a punisher?"

Rick told Karl the story slowly, trying to be

fair to everyone and get all sides included, so Karl

could appreciate the situation and give his

considered opinion.

When he'd finished Karl took a sip of his

coffee, looking puzzled. "I don't really understand

the problem here, Rick."

Rick frowned. "Do you need me to explain it

again?"

"Fuck, no! You've just spent the past half an

hour explaining it! I understand what you think the

problem is, I just don't see it that way myself."

"So what should I do?" Rick asked

helplessly.

Karl sighed. "Rick, being a dom isn't only

about keeping your sub happy in the bedroom or

thinking up fun games to play - although I'm sure

you're very good at that." He grinned. "Being a

serious dom, which is what you've just told me you

want to be - well, that's about doing the things you

don't particularly like, either. I understand that

punishing Matt is the very last thing you want to

do, but it's the right thing to do, mate. It's time for

you to dom up and give that sub what he needs."

"Would you always give in to a sub's request

for punishment?" Rick demanded. "As the dom,

that's my decision, isn't it? Supposing he's wrong

about wanting it? I don't want to fuck Matt up by

doing it if it then turns out to be wrong, and he

hates me for it."

"No, I wouldn't always give a sub a

punishment just because they'd asked for one - I'd

take each situation on its own merits, "Karl replied

thoughtfully. "But in this case, I think Matt's right.

He both deserves and needs this punishment, and

this isn't one of those times when you go easy on

him. In fact, this is one of those times when you

step up and show him that you'll catch him when he

falls."

Rick glanced up, startled. "That's what I

always say to him in the bedroom, when he's

struggling with his submission. I always promise

him I'll catch him when he falls."

"And you always have, I'm sure, but this isn't

about sex, Rick. This is about the kind of dom and

sub you both want to be."

Rick nodded slowly. "But that's just it - I

don't know that this is the kind of dom I want to be.

It seems more like the kind of dom Rule was, and I

don't want to be anything like him."

"Fuck that - I told you before, you're nothing

like Rule! Look, Rick, punishment isn't evil of and

by itself. I've punished subs before if they've asked

for it, or sometimes if I felt it was right and if

they'd freely given me that power over them. I

might not always have liked doing it, but then

again, I've sometimes asked them to do things they

don't particularly like, either." Karl shrugged. "It'd

be great if life wasn't so complicated, but it is."

Rick held up his hands helplessly. "I just don't

see what gives me the right to punish him when he

screws up, when I screw up all the time."

"Because you don't get anything from

punishment, but he does! You know how anxious

Matt can get, how he does all that counting, and

how he gives himself such a hard time. He was

always going to need some discipline in his life to

anchor him. You should have seen something like

this coming, Rick."

Rick shrugged. "I guess we were so happy

that I never even thought about it."

"You're both so spectacularly clueless that I

can believe that." Karl laughed at Rick's little

growl of protest. "Well you are! Look at how damn

long it took you to see sense and get together!

Look, I know about your past, Rick - I know how

hurting a sub is this great big fear in your life, but

did you ever think that you're hurting him more by

not giving him what he needs?"

Rick concentrated on scooping up some sugar

that had spilled onto the table, pushing it into neat

little piles with his spoon.

Karl leaned forward. "I understand where

Matt is coming from on this, Rick," he said quietly.

"See…" He hesitated, and then ploughed on. "I've

visited a punisher myself, a couple of times."

"What?" Rick looked up in surprise. "You?"

"Why not? Plenty of doms visit punishers

when they feel the need," Karl muttered, flushing.

"Oh, I know that - I'm just surprised because

you're so damn together all the time; always

handing out little pep talks." Rick snorted. "I can't

imagine you ever feeling the need to go to a

punisher; you always seem to have life so figured

out."

"Yeah, well, we both know that's not true,"

Karl growled. "If it was, I wouldn't be alone and

mooning hopelessly over the one sub in the world I

can't have."

Rick raised an eyebrow. "Daniel?"

Karl grimaced. "Is it that bloody obvious?"

"Possibly not to him."

Karl sighed and sat up straight. "Let's get

back to your problem - I'm always better with

other people's problems than my own. The way I

see it, Rick, is that you have two choices. You

either let Matt go to a punisher with your blessing,

or you dom up and take care of it yourself." He

finished his coffee in a single gulp and stood up.

"Now, I gotta go. Sorry I don't have an easy

answer for you, mate, but then again - I never do,

do I?"

He gave an apologetic little smile, and then

he left.

Rick wasn't ready to go home yet, so he rode

up to his favorite spot in the hills, where he used to

come as a kid and dream of a escaping his shitty

life.

He got off the bike and leaned against a rock,

looking down on the world below. He'd always

found a kind of peace up here, even in the darkest

times. Maybe if he sat here for a while, the answer

would come.

If he did this, it wouldn't be easy. He would

have to find an inner core of strength and inhabit

his dominant side more fully than ever before.

Any punishment had to be cleansing, cathartic and

meaningful. It couldn't be so little as to leave Matt

feeling let off, or so harsh that Matt felt harmed or

resentful. It had to be done with firmness but also

with love. Could he be Matt's disciplinarian as

well as his lover? Did he want both those roles?

He thought of Matt letting his father into his

house and lying to him about it. He remembered

his sub flinching away from him in guilt over that

lie, and how it had felt to come home and find his

father sitting in his dining room with his sub,

without his knowledge.

That jogged a memory, and he got out his

phone and listened to the voicemail message Matt

had left for him that day, urging him to return from

his run.

"Rick, I think I've done something stupid.

Please come home. Your father is here, and…

sorry… this isn't making any sense - just come

home now, and I'll explain everything."

He listened to it several times, trying to figure

out how he felt about it.

Matt was right. His father had taught him to

always outrun his pain - to deny it, push it down,