Ricochet (77 page)

be just because we want it."

"I know that! I just thought I knew better than

you. Your language about your father was always

so extreme, and I guess I thought that maybe he was

your blind spot."

"Matt, I know you think that because you've

been around Hollywood for a few years and seen

some of its ugliness that you're worldly wise, but

you're really not," Rick said ruefully. "I hate to

break it to you, kid, but you had a pretty sheltered

childhood, and while you've got a temper on you

like a volcano, you're really one of the sweetest

people in the world."

"And I'm your sub, and you love me - I get all

that," Matt said quietly. "But those aren't good

reasons not to punish me."

"I don't want to punish you!"

"I know!"

They gazed at each other miserably for a long

time.

"I know," Matt said again, more gently this

time. "And honestly - I don't want to be punished."

Rick threw up his hands in exasperation.

"Then why are we even having this conversation?"

"Because I think this is one of those times

when it's the right thing to do," Matt said earnestly.

"I'm a sub, Rick. I'm your sub, and I gave you the

right to punish me when you collared me. I gave

that freely because I trust you, and the truth is…"

He paused, blinking, his blue eyes glassy. "The

truth is that I screwed up. I lied to you, I hid

something from you, and I hurt you; because you

are hurt - don't pretend you aren't."

Rick sat back on the sofa, wishing he was

anywhere but here right now, having this particular

conversation.

"And it was a damn big lie, Rick, not a little

one about whether you really look good in those

cowboy boots you love so much." Matt gave a tight

little grin.

"What's wrong with my cowboy boots?" Rick

grinned back wanly. "Look, Matty - you were

protecting me. I can't punish you for that."

"I was protecting you, but that's not all I was

doing. See, I let your father into the house in the

first place was because I was curious. The whole

situation about the box and your relationship with

him… it was messy; and you know how much I

hate things being untidy." Matt grimaced.

Rick rolled his eyes. "If I was going to punish

you for your OCD, then you'd never sit down

again."

"It's been a lot better since you collared me."

"I'd noticed. I also noticed it started up again

these past few days since my dad began pouring

his poison into your ears. I should have realized

what was going on earlier and done something

about it." Rick sat forward on the sofa. "The

minute that box showed up, I should have realized

this was one of his cons. I guess I was too busy

reeling from finding out about my mom to figure it

out, but I should have done. So really this is as

much my fault as yours."

"Bullshit."

Matt glared at him, and Rick glared back.

Stalemate.

Finally, Rick broke the silence. "Okay! I can

understand all the reasons why you think I should

punish you!"

"Thank you." Matt inclined his head.

"But the truth is, I'm not happy handing out a

punishment," Rick continued. Matt sighed and sat

back on his heels stubbornly. "Hear me out! I love

spanking your cute little ass for our mutual

pleasure," Rick told him with a little grin. "I love

holding you down and tormenting your body in a

hundred different ways that make you scream but

again, for our pleasure. I'm not happy hurting you

when there's no pleasure to be had from it, for

either of us. I know plenty of doms and subs have

that kind of dynamic and it works fine for them, but

it's not for me." He folded his arms over his chest,

feeling very definite on that point.

"And I really don't want to talk myself into

that kind of punishment, either." Matt sighed. "But,

the truth is, I feel really guilty, Rick, and I think I

deserve a punishment for what I did, even if I'll

hate it - especially if I'll hate it."

"Does that even work?" Rick demanded.

"See, I've been disciplined hundreds of times, Matt

- in juvie, in jail, at work, at the Justice Hall - and

all it ever did was make me feel resentful."

"That's how you work, Rick, but it's not me.

Besides, I think for punishment to work you have

to feel you deserved it, and you probably never

did."

"The only thing I felt I really deserved

punishment for was what I did to Sally," Rick said

quietly. "But I also knew no punishment would

really be enough for what I did to her."

"And you ended up punishing yourself for

years anyway," Matt pointed out.

Rick rubbed his jaw thoughtfully. "You're

saying that this is one of those times when you'll

feel worse if I don't punish you than if I do?"

Matt took a deep breath. "Yes," he said. "It

was a betrayal. I betrayed you, in a way, Rick, and

you're the one person in the world I'd never, ever

want to hurt. You've been through enough as it is,

and I just made it worse…" He broke off, looking

choked up, and bent his head down to the carpet

again.

Rick got up and went over to where Matt was

kneeling. He crouched down in front of him, lifted

his sub's face, and kissed him gently on the lips.

"I forgive you," he said softly. Matt made a

little sound in the back of his throat and leaned into

him. "Let's sleep on it and see how we feel in the

morning. It's all too raw right now."

Matt felt guilty when Rick ordered their

favorite take out. He felt guilty when Rick got out

his favorite movie on DVD, pulled him between

his legs, and they lay there together, watching it.

He felt guilty when Rick kissed him and told him

he loved him, and most of all, he felt guilty when

Rick took him to bed that night, bound his wrists

together with a red silk scarf, and made love to

him slowly and gently, like he was the most

precious thing in the world and not the liar who'd

deceived him.

Matt lay awake all night, his head resting on

Rick's chest. He knew Rick wasn't asleep, either,

and they both lay there in silence, locked up in

their respective worlds as they each tried to come

to terms with the other's needs.

As dawn broke, Matt turned, rested his hands

on Rick's chest, and looked down at his dom.

"I'm being selfish. I know how you feel about

punishing a sub. I knew that when we got together.

I even told Sebastian…" He broke off as Rick

stiffened beneath him. "Sorry - I know you hate me

mentioning him - but I once told him that you don't

believe in discipline, and he was the opposite. He

didn't believe in pleasure spankings, only in

discipline."

"Well, he's a shit," Rick growled.

Matt grinned. "Yeah, we both know that.

Look, Rick, I can't ask you to do this, knowing how

you feel about it, but I also can't make myself feel

like I don't deserve it when I do. I feel guilty every

time you touch me, and I don't see that changing

anytime soon, so…" He took a deep breath. "I was

thinking that I should go to a punisher?"

Rick sat up so fast that Matt almost got

whiplash.

"No!" he snapped. "No other dom is going to

lay a finger on you, Matt."

"They won't touch me; it's just punishment.

You can come with me and supervise if you're

worried, and…"

"Absolutely not! Matt - listen to me; if you go

to a professional punisher, it would be far more of

a betrayal than you telling me that lie. I would

never be able to forgive you for it."

"Then of course I won't go." Matt sat back,

holding up his hands. "Sorry - I just thought it

might be a solution."

"Well, it damn well isn't! And now I need to

go punch something. A punisher?" Rick got up,

growling to himself under his breath and shaking

his head repeatedly. A few minutes later, Matt

heard him down the hallway, pounding into the

punching bag in the gym.

Matt had never been to a punisher, but he'd

read about them. He knew you discussed with them

what you felt you needed to be punished for, and

they gave their suggestions but ultimately the

choice was yours; all the punisher did was provide

the agreed punishment, for a fee. There was no

touching, no sex, nothing erotic about it all; it was

purely discipline.

Matt had never understood why anyone would

willingly go and submit themselves to that before,

but now he did. He needed some kind of

acknowledgement of his wrongdoing, to pay some

kind of penance, and to experience the catharsis

that came with that. Rick might have given him

forgiveness and absolution, but it had been too

easily won; Matt needed to feel he'd earned it.

He was at a loss as to what to do next. He

wanted his dom. He needed his dom, even if his

dom didn't want to be around him right now.

Matt got up, tiptoed along the hallway to the

gym, and leaned against the door, listening to Rick

furiously beating the punching bag into submission.

Matt could sense his anger and pain even through

the closed door. Whether Rick wanted to face it or

not, he was feeling hurt and betrayed, and his

determination to deny that was Rick all over.

Matt knelt down and rested his head on the

floor. Rick might not want or be asking for his

submission right now, but he needed to give it

anyway. The kneeling position helped relieve the

guilty ache in the pit of his belly and being near

Rick always calmed his anxieties. Matt zoned out,

trying to lose himself in his submission.

Why was this happening? He'd never felt this

way with any other dom. He'd taken discipline but

never asked for it, or wanted it, or even felt he

needed it. Often, like Rick, he'd just resented it.

When Rule had caned him, he'd felt nothing but

anger. So why did he feel this way now? Shouldn't

he be glad he had a dom in his life who wasn't like

Rule or Emily?

Since accepting Rick's collar, he felt as if

he'd gone on a journey into his own submission,

and the sub inside him was blossoming in ways he

hadn't expected. He was finding out so much about

himself, and surprising and freaking himself out in

the process. Now was when he needed a dom to

guide and help him on his journey, but Rick didn't

want to be that guide.

That dom behind the door, beating a punching

bag into oblivion, was the love of his life, but Matt

needed a dom who would challenge him, hold him

to his own values, anchor him, and keep him

grounded, even if it was hard on them both. Rick

would happily dream up a dozen different

scenarios to keep his sub happy in the bedroom,

but this was the one thing he'd always refused to

do. Maybe he could never be the kind of dom that

Matt needed him to be, in which case, where did

that leave Matt?

Matt didn't have an answer to that, and he

pressed his nose into the hallway carpet, feeling

completely lost.

Rick pounded away at the punching bag until

his rage at the idea of Matt going to see a punisher

finally faded.

Then he picked up his towel, wiped it over

his sweaty face, strode out of the gym… and

almost fell over the kneeling sub outside the door.

"What the…? Matt? You really have to stop

doing this. Not that I don't like the whole kneeling

thing, but it's more of a turn on in the bedroom than

when I fall over you in other parts of the house."

Rick tried to make a joke of it, but his sub

didn't say a word. He just knelt there, offering Rick

a submission that he didn't feel like taking. Rick

sighed and sat down on the carpet beside his sub,

his back against the wall. "Matt, come here." He

gently pulled his sub into his arms and held him.

"This isn't going to go away, is it?" He kissed

Matt's hair.

"I don't think so," Matt said into his tee shirt.