Renegade T.M. (32 page)

And with one last giant tug on his pipe, then sprang out of existence, like a chopped paragraph on a newsdesk floor.

48
.

“
So you all want to die do you
?”
asked Mormid, not in fact looking for an answer
,
“
well let me see if can’t be of some assistance
.”

Slip, Crinkle, and Pete were all bound to one another, back to back, so that their legs sticking out resembled a kind of horrific starfish. They were all still in the Sentencer, in one of the many drab holding rooms, apparently awaiting their next bespoke suicide nightmares. Mormid paced methodically around them, his murderous hand tucked away in a pocket, and a maniacal grin stuck imposingly on his face, evidently the result of the trio’s current despair.

“
Oh just do it
,”
replied Pete, bored now with the whole concept of life and everything it entailed
,
“
kill me already
!”

“
Yeah
come on, kill us
,”
agreed Slip.

“
I’m so short
!”
w
ailed Crinkle, not expecting that her tiny voice would be heard anyway.

“
Very well
,”
announced Mormid, pulling out his new gun-hand as he spoke
,
“
I’m going to enjoy this
.”

Mormid looked at them all lumped together on the cold floor, like some kind of t
e
r
r
ible gene-splicing accident, and almost felt a sense of pity for them. He hesitated for a moment, then remembering how they ha
d lost him his hand, girlfriend and then
job earlier that day, he realised that revenge was a dish best served immediately, and raising his gun for the kill, decided that the fat one should go first.

“
Wait
!”
a
voice demanded, as the door to the holding room flew dramatically open.

Light suddenly flooded the room, and after they had all taken a moment for their assaulted eyes to adjust, they then discovered it was Fendel.

“
Fendel is that you
?”
a
sked Slip, completely forgetting he had a gun to his head
,
“we thought you were…”

“
Dead
?”
h
e finished the sentence for him
,
“
well you’d be right, more right than you’d think possible
.”

“
Where have you been
?”
q
uestioned Crinkle, finding her voice again.

“
That’s a long
,”
he paused, trying to think of the best way of putting it, but then gave up realising the word would have to be invented
,
“
that’s a long story Crinks, maybe another time
yeah
?
”

“
Have you come to rescue us
?”
a
sked Pete in a
distant voice.

“
Indeed I have
,”
he declared brazenly
,
“
put down the gun Mormid, or else
!”

“
I can’t you idiot
,”
replied Mormid
,
“
it’s my hand now
!”

“
Well put down your hand then
,”
he responded, before adding
,
“and
sit on it
!”

“
I will do no such thing you weirdo, anyway, your friends here all need my help, I’m only doing what they have asked of me
.”

“
What?
!”
h
e replied aghast, before asking sarcastically
“
my pals have asked you to murder them?
!”

“
Yeah
, he’s right old buddy
,”
interjected Slip
,
“
nobody’
s listening anymore! Renegade T
M is finished
!”

“
I can’t go any of the rides Fends
!”
w
ailed Crinkle
,
“
I’m so short I don’t reach the line
!”

“
I used to think life was a series of challenges and rewards
,”
said Pete
,
“
now I just think it’s one big challenge
!”

“
See
,”
announced Mormid
,
“
they all want to die! And I want to kill them! So why don’t you run along now and go and pester someone else with your fantastic tails
.”

“
Come on guys
,”
Fendel appealed to them
,
“
can’t you see it’s this place that’s making you say those things, you don’t
really mean it. Slip, Renegade T
M was never about the listeners, it was always about the music. If other people liked the stuff we were putting out, then that was only a wonderful added bonus, and never a reason in itself. Crinks, you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met! Okay, sometimes I get back ache when we talk, and sure, you may not be the best person to change a light bulb, but come on, I mean you can always hold the chair can’t you, and believe you me, that chair ain’t going nowhere! And Pete, admittedly we haven’t known each other that long, but what I know of your alter-dimensional self, you’ve got guts kid, I mean you really stood up to that shark, where others would have given up and gone home! What I’m trying to say is that you’re all really rather remarkable people, and I am proud to call yo
u all my pals, shoot, Renegade T
M is more than just a job, you guys are my family, and if none of you want to live anymore, then I don’t either
!”

“
Well that’s settled
,”
said Mormid adjusting his aim
,
“
you’re first then
.”

“
Leave him alone
!”
s
houted Slip, kicking out his leg so that it caught Mormid in the shin and bowled him neatly over, like an unexpected spare.

“
Yeah
,”
agreed Crinkle
,
“
I really am bloody good at holding a chair
!”

“
Pete
,”
ventured Fendel
,
“
are you with us
?”

“
I really don’t know anymore
,”
he replied
,
“
I mean what if I’m just like Dink here
?”

Mormid was rubbing his rapidly bruising shin, and was not aware that Fendel was now untying his pals an
d would have them out in a ping
or two.

“
Come on buddy
,”
said Slip
,
“
you’re nothing like this loser, you’re one of us now Piff
.”

“
It’s Pete you moron
,”
corrected Crinkle.

“
You guys don’t get it though
,”
Pete continued
,
“
Dink and I are the same! Our pasts are almost identical, it’s as though we’re the some person, but from different planets
!”

“
Listen here Pete
,”
said Fendel adopting a very untypical serious tone
,
“
you’re like the brother I never really cared for, the one who I always screened on my birthday, and whom I failed to return the lawnmower I borrowed from. What I’m trying to say is that you’re in the team, so stop indulging your petty doubts and get a mov
e on, there’s no I in Renegade T
M
!”

“
What about the big I in IM
?”
he asked, clearly
baffled.

“
That’s silent
,”
Fendel replied quickly
,
“
look, are you with us or not
?”

“
I really appreciate what you guys have done for me
,”
he replied
,
“
but I have to know that Dink’s going to be okay. I know you guys think he’s nothing more than an evil galactic overlord, but I happen to see a lot of myself in him. You guys go on without me, I’ll catch you up later
yeah
?”

“
Whatever you say dude
,”
said Slip, evidently wanting to be somewhere else as quick as possible
,
“
we’ll rendezvous back onboard the Humdinger later, we’ve got a game of twister to finish
!”

“
You sure you’re going to
be
alright Pete
?”
a
sked Crinkle concerned.

“
Yeah
,
yeah
, what’s the worst he can do
?”

“
Kill you dead
.”

“
Oh
yeah
right
,”
he realised
,
“
okay help me tie his arms, then you can go
.”

The Renegade gang all pitched in to tie Mormid’s arms behind his back, so that he was now unable to kill any of them with his lethal handgun. Then waving good bye, and bestowing on Pete a look of both admiration and downright pity, they left him and Mormid to their fates.

“
We are the same you and I
,”
began Mormid
,
“
if you kill me, then it would be the same as killing yourself
.”

“
But why are you trying to kill us then
?”
as
ked
Pete.

“
I didn’t want to kill you Pete, just the idiots you call your friends. I mean look what they did to me! This morning I was a regular happy-go-lucky Co-leen, and now I’m a handless freak, unemployed, unloved, and in prison for a crime I never committed
!”

“
I don’t know if I should believe you, from what I’ve seen of your future self, you’re downright evil
,
“
fruits of the devil
”
evil
!”

“
You have to believe me, all I want is to do good with my life
.”

“
But how can killing the Renegade gang be a good thing? Think of the googolplexillion number of listeners you’d be tearing away from their favourite station
!”

“
I’ve thought about it, and they still have to die, they all have to die
!”
Morm
id paused, thinking he had gone to far, that his thinly veiled act had dropped.

“
You are evil
,”
realised Pete
,
“
I don’t care that you have had it tough, believe you me, we all have! You’re on your own Mormid, and I hope being an evil galactic emperor works out for you
.”

“
Wait
,”
said Mormid
,
“
there’s something you have to know
!”

“
Oh what is it now
,”
he replied
utterly uninterestedly
,
“
no
,
no, don’t tell me, I can’t leave you because, dun dun dah, you’re my Father
!”

“
Erm, yes actually, you already knew?
!”

“
Look at us, we’re not even the same species, you’re an idiot
.”