Renegade T.M. (14 page)

Fendel awoke dead. Well not entirely dead, dead enough to qualify for an autopsy, but one which would likely end up with the attending doctor screaming something about zombies and then lunging for an axe. He awoke dead in th
e middle of a queue. Now he
was used to queues, he could queue with the best of them. On the planet Shazam, he had once wait
ed in line for nine stellar circuits
in the hope of meeting Punkel Franbunkle, the creator of the shat, (a sort-of hat that kept your hair looking wet). Instead however, it turned out that Punkel had been assassinated on route. It later came out that the assassin was actually the renowned creator of the scap, (a sort-of cap that kept
your hair dry by releasing a quite alarming amount of radiation
). The scap had never really caught o
n see.

Now, this queue was a big one, and by big
one, I mean endless, and he
imagined that he could well end up
spending a quite inordinate amount of time there
, if he happened not to produce one of his Fabulous Fendel Plans, (copyright pending)
. Looking to his left he saw a Shallop from the planet Enuf, a distinctly stupid race, so was quite relived when to his right
, he found a m
an from the planet Earth.

“
Hello Pete.
”

“
Oh hello
,”
replied Pete, looking distinctly baffled.

“
We haven’t met in this reality
,”
said Fendel reaching out his hand
,
“
my name’s Fendel
.”

“
Please
d
to meet you
,”
he
reciprocated
,
“
mind if I ask you something
?”
“
P
lease do
.”

“
Are we dead
?”

“
Oh yes, quite dead
,”
replied Fendel.

“
Oh that’s a relief, I thought it might have been something I ate
.”

“
Yes I believe this queue ad infinitum, is what some would call purgatory
.”

“
Okay
,”
he agreed slowly
,
“
so we’re dead, but in limbo, that’s what you’re saying right
?”

“
Yep, and by the looks of things we
’re going to be here a while, h
ere give me a boost
,”
said Fendel
, motioning for him
to link his hands
together,
so
that
he could get a leg up.

Fendel got his foot into Pete’s grip and boosted h
imself above the throng. Up there, he
could quite clearly make out the queue now, it stretched on for as far as his eye could see, winding back on itself endlessly like a coiled spring. It was a queue with no apparent end, no beginning and no purpose, just a pointless expression of order on such a vast scale that this almost made it important in itself.
When everything was considered, he did not want to hang around a click more than he had to.

“
Erm excuse me
,”
he said
, leaping down from Pete
’s grip
and trying to get the attention of the Shallop.

“
Yes
,”
replied
the Shallop.

“
Mind if I ask you a question
?”
“
No,
”
said the Shallop in a long, slow drawl.

“
How long have you been here
?”
“
Now that’s an interesting question
,”
began the Shallop in a particularly annoying voic
e, the kind of voice that began
sentences with
an
“
at the end of the day
”
or
“
to be perfectly honest
”
, Fendel
was regretting his question already.

“
A really interesting question,
”
it
continued
annoyingly
.

“
Thank-you
,”
he put in
sarcastically.

“
I’d have to say I don’t rightly know, but if I had to hazard a guess…
“

“
Yes please, hazard away
,”
he
int
er
rupted
.

“
If I really had to say, then I’d
say somewhere between ten and twenty
…
”

“
Yes
,”
he
int
e
r
r
upted again, his impatience getting the better of him.

“
Ten and twenty million circuits
,”
finished the Shallop
triumphantly,
looking ridiculously pleased with itself.

“
As I thought
,”
he said addressing Pete
,
“
come on,
we’re leaving
!”

“
Oh good, I was just getting hungry
,”
replied Pete patting his stomach.

Fendel looked for a second time on the infinite
queue
that surrounded them, hoping to glean something that he may have missed that would promptly see them on their way. There was nothing more, purgatory really was a dead-end bore. So he
decided there and then that drastic measures were
now
called for.

“
Give me your shoe laces Pete
,”
he commanded
confidently.

“
My shoe laces huh, what you going to do, tie them together and form a gigantic length of rope, well in
excess of, say, one whole meter?!
”

“
Well yes and no, y
es I am going to tie them together
,
and no it will not be gigantic
.”

“
I get that
,”
said Pete, recognizing a quite severe irony deficiency
,
“
what’s the plan then man
?”
“
Right, I’m glad you asked
,”
he said
smiling
,
“
how did you get here
?”

“
Oh some aliens called Colin or something came along and vaporized my entire planet
.”

“
Right, and you died
.”

“
Yep that’s the about the height of it
,”
agreed Pete.

“
And I’m here because I was murdered by a double crossing, robot Frenchman
.”

“
What?
!”

“
Oh n
othing
,”
he said
hurriedly
,
“
so I am of the opinion that since we are
already
dead
,
and we really don’t seem to making much headway here, then we should simply end it
, again.
”

“
End it
?”
asked Pete
“
Yeah
, as in hang ourselves, t
wo wrongs make a right sorta thing
.”

“
Oh good, and my shoe laces form the noose then
?”

“
Yep
.”

“
And what if I don’
t want to die,
again
?”

“
Look earthman, I need to find my team, in fact, I need to find
our
team. This reality may be different to mine, but I’m certain that if anyone would have come up with
the
idea of cheating death by killing themselves, then it would have been Slip. And you may not realize this, but you’ve got some damn good pals out there, who have got your back, or at least would have
,
it if only they knew it existed. Now tie those shoe laces together, put one end around my neck and pull
!”

Suddenly, two large humanoids dematerialized right in front of them.

“
Hello, hello, hello, what have we here then
?”
t
he larger of the two addressed them.

“
Oh typical
,”
thought Pete
,
“
annoyingly predictable purgatory police of some sort
!”

“
Er
, hello officer
,”
began Fendel trying to look innocent
,
“
to what do we owe the pleasure
?”

“
Some talk of suicide been reported, have to follow up these things, I’m sure you
understand. And what exactly
are you doing with those shoe laces
?”

“
This
,”
replied Fendel removing the makeshift noose form around his neck
,
“
we’re going skiing
!”

“
Funny time of
yea
r to go skiing
,”
queried the
officer, who had obviously yet to go on the Questioning the Suspect, Get
ting to K
now the Basics training course.

“
Yes it is
,”
he agreed
cheerfully.

“
Well, that seems to clear that up then
.”

“
Excuse me officer
,”
began Pete
,
“
but what would happen if someone committed suicide here
?”

“
Well, doesn’t happen often
.”

“
Often
?”

“
Yeah
a group of crazies calling themselves the revolutionaries or something managed it, turned out one of them had a nuclear device in his pan
ts, blew himself and all his friends up, I mean, mental
or what
?
!”

“
Yeah
,”
he agreed hollowly
, winking at Pete.

“
Doesn’t become itself
,
killing yourself when you’re already dead, the natural world just doesn’t agree with that sort of thing, not to mention the absurd logical paradigms it throws up
.”

“
Erm
yeah
,”
agreed Pete feeling a little lost.

“
Nothing to kill yourself with
,”
continued the police officer
,
“
that’s the crux of it. No cliffs to leap off, no pills to swallow, no guns to blow your brains out
.”

“
But you’ve got guns
,”
observed Pete.

“
Yes we do, but then we’re not suicidal, and we don’t have to queue
.”

“
Don’t have to queue, then where are you
?”

“
Why heaven of course
.”
“
So you’re like some angelic swat team
?”
a
sked Pete
“
Something like that
.”

“
So that’s where we’re heading then
?”

“
Maybe, depends on how you lived. Maybe you’re going to hell, meant to be hot there this time of
yea
r
,”
jok
ed the officer, who then
curled up with laughter.