Renegade T.M. (5 page)

“
Slip
!”

“
Yeah
, so the Co-leen huh
,”
he
said, apparently experiencing
the sensation of
thought
,
“
well we'll bust him
out
!”
he finished
fervently, punching the air with an extended finger.

“
Sure thing Slip, we'll just whack the Humdinger into battle mode, then at
tack the Co-leen at mach point silly
speed, with laser canons and whole host of quite incredibly destructive missiles, and then tell them to hand over Fendel, or
else
we'll disintegrate their entire species' history
,
using our time erasing ray
gun?!
”

“
Yeah
, right on Crinks, that's what we'll do. Battle stations everyone, we're going to war
!”

“
Slip
,”
she sighed.

“
Yeah?
,”
he said
, frantically throwing records around, looking for the button marked
“
battle mode
”
.

“
We don't have any of those things
.”

“
Oh,
yeah
, right
,”
realised Slip.

“
So what about Fendel
?”
she asked,
beginning to get desperate.

“
Look
,”
he began
, imagining himself to be addressing a large host of adoring fans, with a huge Slip
McGroovy
flag waving gently behind him
,
“
Fendel's a member of the Renegade team right, and in my books, that make him a pretty damn important person. I know that if the situation was reversed, i
f I was ever in a stitch, he
would risk everything to rescue me, he'd move planets if he thought it would help, and it's my duty, no, my honour, to do
the same for him. Today, he
may be a prisoner on a Co-leen ship, but let me assure that, tomorrow, Fendel will be back where he belongs, with the Renegade team
!”

“
So you've got a plan
?
”
she asked excitedly, falling for his hyperbole
.

“
Of course, set course for the Co-leen vessel
,”
he ordered confidently.

“
And then
?”
.

“
And then
,”
he replied less confidently, pausing to consider his next response
,
“
then we'll work it out when we get there
.”

Fendel stood in the Co-leen prison cell kicking his heels. He had been in the cell for over an hour now, and was beginning to feel a sensation that he would usually go out of hi
s way to avoid, boredom. He
stared at the Co-leen guard who was on duty, and decided that he must be a more than typically stupid Co-leen guar
d. Half a cycle ago when he
had
flippantly
ordered the guard to release him, the guard had saluted him before crying out
“
an alien trick, I won't be fooled so easily
!”
It was then he had
realised that outwitting this guard would be like ou
twitting a dyslexic tanning shop assistant
in
a
spelling competition, and he now felt quite certain that he would be on his m
e
r
r
y way in the next five clicks or so.

“
E
r
, excuse me
,”
began Fendel.

“
What is it worm
?”
r
eplied the Co-leen guard.

“
Oh it's nothing really, don't worry about it
.”

“
What
?”
s
aid the guard, somewhat
unsubtly
checking his
zip
fly
,
“
tell me, what is it
?”

“
No
,
no, it doesn't matter, honestly
.”

“
Come on, tell me
,”
urged the guard, indecorously sniffing his armpit.

“
No seriously, it's nothing
.”

The guard looked forlornly a
t Fendel, but then clocking onto his obviously outward obstinacy, instead then
started to get angry.

“
I demand you tell me what it is
!”
shouted the
guard, on the verge of a temper tantrum.

“
It's nothing really
,”
he responded
unfazed.

“
TELL ME!!
!”
y
elled the guard, poi
nting his laser rifle directly at him.

“
Okay, okay, fine
,”
he
acquiesced
,
“
all it was, was that I was just wondering how it felt to be trapped out there like that, that's all
.”

“
What
?
!
”
a
sked the guard
,
with a look of confusion.

“
Well
,”
he repeated
,
“
I was just standing here in my cosy little prison cell, wondering how you must feel being trapped there outside like that
.”

“
What do you mean trapped, I can leave any time I want to
.”

“
Oh
yeah
?”
he said
unconvinced.

“
Yeah
,”
replied the guard
, “
watch
!
”

And that said, the guard promptly left the prison block, and returned a few minutes later with a coffee.

“
See, trapped you say, ha
!”

“
Is that fresh coffee
?”
a
sked Fendel.

“
No, instant
.”

“
Humph
,”
he
snorted derisively.

The guard looked a little hurt by this, and left his mug of coffee to one side.

“
Oh come on
,”
he continued
,
“
sure you can leave the room, the ship, even the galaxy if you want to, but ultimately you'll find yourself to be a prisoner of the universe
.”

“
What do you mean
?”
a
sked the guard who was now sin
cerely interested in what he
was saying.

“
Okay, take that coffee of yours, it is what it is, that is instant coffee. It may want to be fresh coffee, but it is instant coffee and will always be instant coffee
.”

“
So
?”

“
Well it's the same for you, you can't change what you are however hard you may try. What's your name
?”
he asked softly
.

“
Clive
.”

“
Well Clive, it's like this, you're a
Clive and always will be
. You may strive to be a J6G, or a Klangpal, or an Eric, but a Clive you are
,
and a Clive you will remain
.”

“
Well I like being a Clive
,”
said Clive.

“
Sure you may like being a Clive now, but believe you me, a time will come when you'll want to be something else, and then you'll discover that you're actually a prisoner of Clive. Understand
?”

“
Yes
,”
he lied
in a small voice.

“
Good
,”
said Fendel.

“
So what can I do about it
?”
he asked
desperately, patently aware now that he should be greatly alarmed by something or another.

“
Oh nothing
.”

“
What, nothing, nothing at all?
!”

“
N
othing
,”
repeated Fendel.

Now Clive was greatly distressed by all of this, and horrified by the fact that nothing at all could be done about it. What it actually was however, that nothing at all could be done about
, seemed hardly relevant
any more.

“
But there must be something that can be done
?!
”
said Clive frantically.

“
Nope
.”

“
But there just has to be
!”

“
Nope
.”

“
Don't you care?
!”
s
houted Clive
,
beginning to panic.

“
Oh me no
,”
replied Fendel.

“
What?
!”
he cried
aghast.

“
I don't care
, because it doesn't a
ffect me
,”
explained Fendel calmly.

“
It doesn't affect you, why?
!”
he demanded
.

“
Ah, because I am somebody else's responsibility, and therefore free within that context
.”

“
But you're a prisoner
,”
said Clive.

“
Yes, but as a prisoner I am free, free to live my life by my own rules, in my own way. Okay I admit my life may be a simple one, strolling my little cell before lunch is served, a short snooze before dinner, and then perhaps a little more strolling before bed, but it is the life I choose to live, and as such, makes me happy. Do you see
?”

“
Yeah
,”
he lied again
, nodding altogether too seriously.

“
Can I ask you a question Clive
?”

“
Sure
.”

“
Are you happy
?”

“
What
?”

“
Are you happy Clive
?”
Fendel repeated.

“
Well
,”
he began
, taking a sip of his instant coffee
(
which was now cold
)
,
“
I used to think I was, but now I just don't know what to think
.”

“
You
're the real prisoner here
,”
said Fendel softly
,
“
with all the pressures of the universe on your shoulders. I doubt if you get to have a nice little stroll before bed, or even sleep in until lunchtime
.”

“
I have to get up in the morning
,”
sobbed Clive,
starting
to cry.

“
That's it, let it out
,”
encouraged Fendel.

“
Why is life so cruel
?”
moaned Clive, who now appeared to be having a full-blown mental breakdown.

“
Who can say
,”
replied Fendel bluntly
,
“
there is a way however of improving your lot
.”

“
There is
?
”
said Clive
, his eyes lighting up.

“
Yes Clive, there is
.”

“
What
is it
?”

“
We can swap places
,”
answered Fendel
,
“
I'll become a prisoner of the universe, and you can sleep and stroll in freedom to your hearts content
.”

“
But why would you do that for me
?”

“
Let's just say it's because I like you Clive, because you remind me of an old friend
,”
explained
Fendel, who was remembering one of his first pets, a giant space amoeba named Spot.

“
Wow, I don't know what to say
,”
he replied,
starting to cry again.

“
Don't say anything, just unlock this cell and you can begin your wonderful new life
!
”

Clive approached Fendel beaming at him as though in love, and Fendel half-smiled back contemplating the quite unforgivable stupidity of this Co-leen guard. The universe had been around for billions of
yea
rs and its one guiding principle was the
survival of the fittest. He
now watched Clive, who had dropped his set of prison key-cards causing them to spill all over the floor, and was now scrambling around on all fours, desperately searching for a key-card with which he might lock himself in a prison cell. What ha
d been the point he wondered fruitlessly, knowing
only too well that the universe was run by Clives, who pushed little buttons and felt t
er
r
ibly important doing so.

“
Finally
,”
he gasped
, holding aloft a key-card as though it might part the heavens above.

“
Great
,”
said Fendel
nonchalantly
, who was eager to be getting on his way
,
“
now just open..
.”

“
What's going on here?!” b
arked a Co-leen officer, who suddenly appeared through the door to the prison.

“
Nothing sir
!”
shouted
Clive, stumbling to attention.

“
Good
!”
s
houted
back
the officer
,
“
I've come to relieve you, so on your way soldier
.”

“
Yes sir
,”
replied Clive, who looking apologetically at Fendel, then made his way despondently from the prison.