Renegade T.M. (17 page)

Dinkle Mormid was your average Co-leen, average job, average home, average life all round really. Known as Dink to his friends, he dreamed of one day bettering himself, of writing himself into the history books as a great discoverer of something, or thinker of some universe-altering concept. Today however, Dink would have been simply content to hit the snooze button again on his horrifically insistent alarm clock.

“
Wake up you creep, it’s ten pings past waking hour seven
!”
s
creamed Petunia, Dink’s
on/off girlfriend of the past three
galactic cycles, deep into his
defenceless
eardrum.

“
W
ah, klumpf, schnizigle?
!”
he replied, lacking
the quality of coherence first thing in the morning.

“
I said… I HATE YOU!!
!”
s
he bellowed, and slapping Dink neatly round the face, left the room.

Dink was awake, very awake in fact. Rubbing his sore face, he made his way across the room over to the window.

“
Light
,”
he commanded the window.

“
Good morning sir
,”
said the window in a chipper voice
,
“
did you sleep well
?”

“
Yes thank you, light
,”
he commanded again.

“
And how is the Mistress today
?”
a
sked the window.

“
Fine
,”
said Dink, feeling the inside of his cheek with his tongue
,
“
light
.”

“
Aren’t you going to ask me
?”
a
sked the window, sounding a little hurt.

“
Ask you what
?”

“
Why, how I’m feeling of course
.”

“
Erm
,”
said Dink, a little lost now
,
“
how are you feeling
?”

“
Well, I’d have to say, I’m feeling a little looked over
!”
r
eplied the win
dow and then burst out laughing
.

Dink stood expressionless.

“
I know, it doesn’t really work does it. I wanted to say, feeling a little looked through, but that doesn’t make any sense, still, not bad for my first joke
.”

“
Erm
yeah
, very funny.
“
“
Thank you sir, now what can I do for you
?”

“
Light
,”
he repeated
again.

“
You know we never really have nice little chats like we’re having now do we
.”

“
Light
.”

“
I mean normally you’ll say
“
light
”
, then I disable the anti-light shields, and you get light
.”

“
Yes, light
.”

“
It’s just nice to know that our relationship has these hidden depths. Do you want to hear another joke
?”

“
No. L
ight
.”

“
Knock, knock
.”

“
Light
.”
“
Win
.”

“
Light
.”

“
Window
!”
a
nd again the window broke down laughing.

Dink stared at the window which was one of the new personality windows he had seen advertised on channel
googolplex
late one evening. The ad
vert
had promised much more than the normal window experience by offering a window which would knowledgably describe the view that was present through it at any time. It then came with a
pre-programmed
personality with which you could discuss the visual experience with, the idea being that, one would spend many a stimulating morning discussing the flowers and fauna or a relaxing evening con
templating the stars
and what it meant to be part of the cosmos. Dink was certainly not a morning person however, and he also soon discovered that he was loathe to spend an evening discussing the stars in the universe, when he could be sat instead watching channel
googolplex
and
buying the latest must have gadgets he would certainly never ever use.

“
I know, I know, that one’s a little abstract
,”
said the window composing itself.

“
Erm
yeah
abstract
,”
he agreed
distractedly.

“
Guess you had to be there
!”

Now this was certainly th
e longest conversation that he
had ever shared with the window, and he was filing it determinedly
in his mental
folder marked
“
things I never want to do again
”
. By now he had become accustomed to the darkness anyway, so decided that rather than listen to anymore weird window waffle, he would instead brave the darkness and begin the epic quest to find his slippers.

“
What are you doing
?”
asked the window, watching him
scrabbling around on all fours, engaged as he was in his
epic
sl
ippers quest
.

“
Looking for my slippers
.”

“
What in the dark?
!”
asked
the window incredulously.

“
Yes, in the dark
,”
confirmed Dink.

“
Wouldn’t it be easier to look for your slippers in the light
?”

“
Yes
.”

“
Then why didn’t you say so
?”
“
I did
.”
“
I mean all you have to do, is say the word
“
light
”
and I’ll disable the anti-light shield and hey presto…
“

“
light
.”

“
Exactly! You’ll get light
!”

“
light
.”
“
Yes that’s right, all the light you’ll ever need
!”

Now Dink knew that he had somewhat neglected his faithful light-giving servant for the last few planetary spins, he did not however do this with any malice intended, but instead because of a complete disinterest in anything the window may ha
ve wished to chat about. His living
habitat overlooked a park, well a car park, well a wall which contained a car park, and because of this his alpha-simulation personality-primed window could do nothing more than discuss bricks and mortar, and more bricks, and well more mortar. Once a poster was plastered there advertising a new cologne for men, a hunky Co-leen stood under a shower, and the bottle of cologne sort of hung in the middle covering up his modesty, and the strap line read
“
Pow, the new scent for him, putting the Wow, back in Pow
!”
As a result, Dink’s window spent every morning and evening describing every inch of the Co-leen’s hunky torso, from his
“
Adonis like six pack
”
to his
“
thunderous thighs
”
. Dink soon became concerned when one morning he blurted out in sleepy agreement
“
yes he is dreamy
”
, and in the end thought it entirely necessary to phone the company and pay a quite significant amount of money t
o have the poster removed. He
realized therefore that his window was obviously having some
kind of breakdown. Perhaps he
should have spent more time with it, some of the greatest Co-leen minds had been integrated into its
matrix, and the only words he
had ever bestowed on it had been
“
light
”
,
“
dark
”
, and
“
yes he is dreamy
”
, no wonder it was upset, Dink decided he was not going to be getting any help in his slipper quest.

“
Well don’t you want any help
?”
a
sked the window.

“
No
,”
he replied.

“
But all you have to do is say
“
light
”
, and then you’ll be able to see
,”
teased the window.

“
No
.”

“
Have I done something to upset you
?”
a
sked the window after a moments pause.

“
No
.”

“
Then don’t you like me
?”

“
No
,”
answered Dink, before saying
,
“
you’re a window
.”

“
That’s right, and you’re Dinkle Mormid, pleased to meet you
.”

“
Erm hi, so are you going to help me now
?”
he asked finally,
tired of feeling around in the dark.

“
Yes of course I will, just say the word, come on, you know you want to
.”
“
And if I say it, you’ll do as I say
?
”
“
Yes
.”

“
Alright then, ready
?”
he asked
.

“
Yes
.”

“
LIGHT
!”
o
rdered Dink in his most authoritative voice.

On saying it, there was suddenly an almighty crack, and the window broke into a thousand pieces. Dink however did not observe this as it remained as dark as it ever was before.

“
Well
,”
he said
reaching the end of his tether
,
“
where’s my light?
!”

“
Oh, I wanted to help with that, but…
“

“
But?
“

“
I’m shattered
!”
f
inished the window, and then roared with laughter

Without saying a word
, Dink left the room,
slipper
-
less
.

5 CLICKS
(MINUTES) EARLIER

“
Which one is it
?”
a
sked Pete, sounding more than a little frightened.

“
That one
,”
answered Slip, straining even further over the edge of the building they were on, and pointing at a darkened window on the other side of the street.

“
Don’t slip Slip
,”
joked Crinkle, who could not see what was going on as she had not been able to climb up onto the ledge whe
re Pete and Slip were
.

“
Is this really the time for jokes
?”
asked
Pete sarcastically.

“
Dunno, maybe
,”
she replied,
getting fed up with the situation and by not being able to see what was going on
,
“
what’s going on anyway
?”

“
Nothing, just a dark window, must have their anti-light shields active
,”
said Slip.

“
Anti-light shields
?”
queried Pete.

“
Vortex charged photon repelling energy matrices that stop light coming through your window when you want to sleep, don’t you know anything monkey boy?
!”
s
aid Crinkle disparagingly.

“
Oh, like curtains
!”
s
aid Pete
.

“
What?
!”

“
Nothing
,”
he replied meekly.

Pete, Slip and Crinkle’s first move had been to track down where Mormid lived. It turned out that Mormid lived just a stones throw away from where they had landed, well a stone’s throw on this planet anyway, which having less than half the gravitational force that Pete had become accustomed to back on Earth, meant that quite sometime passed until they finally arrived there. On the journey there, Pete thought it only right to find out more about where they were and what it was they were actually doing, he was the Earth’s only hope after all. It turned out that the Co-leen empire had all started on the drab an
d nondescript planet Spank. H
e thought this the very pinnacle of all that was funny for a while, but then thought it best to conceal his mirth when Crinkle threatened to remove some of his more precious organs if he continued making bottom jokes. On Spank, the Co-leen lived their harmless and unremarkable lives, quite in contrary to what their future path told. Some notable achievements of the race included something called a sqweel, a square wheel which made transport very uncomfortable; life sized bouncy castles in which their token monarchies resided; and a substance called mirmate which you could spread on toast, and seemed to divide the Co-leen in their attitude toward it. All in all the Co-leen seemed to be about as threatening as a kitten wearing mittens, or as Pete put it, a mitten kitten.

“
So what now
?”
a
sked Crinkle sounding more than a little bored.

“
Now we…”

Suddenly the window they were staring at shattered i
nto a thousand pieces, and
though they could not
be sure, both Slip and Pete swore they could hear laughter coming from what was now just a hole in the wall.

“
Now we get closer,” said Slip
,
“come on,
follow me
.”