Relinquished (17 page)

“What happened?” He ran a hand through his hair as he turned his attention to the door that led to the ER patient rooms.

“She was trapped in a fire at the bar,” I bluntly stated, as if every word that came from my mouth was ripping the last piece of composure I still possessed.

Leaning forward, he gripped his bent knees and puffed out a breath of air. “Fire? You just said she’d been in an accident. How bad?”

I was relieved he was more focused on what was going on with Jules than the fact that I'd found her. “From what I know, she wasn’t burned by the fire, but they don’t know how much smoke she inhaled.  She didn’t look good when she got here, but they said they’d do everything possible and give us updates when they knew more.”

Holden stood up and began to pace before his eyes darted back to the door I kept looking at myself.

“Listen, there are a few more things,” I reluctantly offered before releasing a sigh and motioning for him to come over to a more private corner of the room. “They found a dead body and a gun in there, and shots were fired from a car that left the scene.  I don’t know if she’s guilty of anything and want to give her a chance to tell her side before jumping to conclusions.”

“Holy shit, are you kidding me? Wait a minute, wait a minute.” He paced back and forth, then stopped abruptly and stared blankly at my face as if something had dawned on him. “Dante, this is serious shit. Just before I pulled up, there was a breaking news story on the radio about a dead cop in a building that burned down. They implied the other victim was the shooter.” His face dropped as if reality had hit him. Then he shook his head, seemingly not wanting to believe it.

“What did they say?” I demanded.

He shook his head. “I don’t want to assume it’s her, but they reported that no one witnessed anyone leaving the building.” Holden looked lost as his eyes glossed over. “No way.  I can’t believe it.”

“But there was a drive by right before we left, and an EMT was shot,” I said, thinking out loud. “This could be an attack on the law enforcement, and Jules was caught in the middle.”  Rubbing my chin, I wondered if I should talk to Carr now or wait for him to show up and tell me what he knew.

Holden finally stopped moving around and leaned against a nearby wall, raking his hands through his hair. As we stood and tried to process everything, the nurse who’d promised to keep me informed, gently touched my arm.  The expression on her face instantly relieved the nervous tension that had been threatening to consume me. 

“She’s stable and breathing on her own. Right now we’re focusing on her airways and have her on oxygen to help clear her lungs. Our main concerns are the thick layer of grime around her nose and the large lump on her head. We’ve sent her for a CT scan of her head and chest. There are no burns or injuries on her body.” Giving my arm a gentle pat, she smiled. “We’re getting a room ready for her, and she’ll be there after we get the results from the x-rays. I’ll let you know what the room number is when I find out.”

“Thank you for everything,” I offered as she turned to leave. 

Just before she stepped back into the ER, she looked over. “The receptionist has some paperwork.  Can you take care of that, or should we wait for a family member?”

“We’ll take care of it, thanks.” I nodded to her, realizing I needed to get out of this room.  My nerves were already frayed, this environment was not helpful to either me or Holden. “Can you contact us in the cafeteria when she’s moved to her room?”

As if she understood my need to escape, she smiled again. “Of course.”

Jules was finally admitted and moved to her own room by the time Holden and I each swallowed our third cup of nasty cafeteria coffee.

I opened the hospital room door, and the curtain scraped along the metal bar when I yanked the material aside. Holden slipped past me, hesitantly approaching Jules. They’d cleaned her up a little, but her face was still dirty with soot and ashes. Her eyes were closed as she began to whimper and cough. She was agitated and stirring, her fingers aggressively scraping the sheet over her thigh.

A nurse rushed in and shooed Holden away. He stepped back but looked so stricken. I should’ve known he wasn’t going to be able to keep himself in check once he saw her. He was so weak when it came to Jules. 

I reached a hand toward the nurse. “Hold on. Don’t give her anything else yet.  Give me a chance to calm her down first.” 

She did not look happy, but I really didn’t give a fuck.  They’d already given her enough meds, and Jules couldn’t be comatose forever.  The cops were probably planning on coming to get her statement, and I needed to see what her side of the story was before I had to lawyer her up.

“I’ll give you a few minutes,” the nurse said, “but if she starts pulling things out, we have to give her something, or she’ll do more harm to herself.” The nurse placed a soft hand on Jules’ leg, clearly hesitant about walking away.

Even though this situation was difficult for me, I let logic overpower my weakened emotions and focused on calming Jules down. She was losing it by the time I got the woman to move away.

I cradled the side of her face, running my thumb across her cheek.  Her eyebrows knitted together while her muffled, raspy pleas came from behind the oxygen mask.  “No more.  Please, no more.  I don’t wanna be here anymore.  Please.”  Her shoulders lifted off the mattress as she began to hack, desperate to fill her lungs with clean air.  Tears dripped from the sides of her eyes as she blinked a few times, attempting to focus on my face.

“Jules, you’re safe.  You need to relax, though,” I said calmly, hoping she would listen.  I was glad Holden wasn’t looking into her eyes. I’d witnessed that same look many times from the women we’d saved.  The ones who had been battered and destroyed by evil and looked to me to help them. Even my cold heart was having a hard time not caving to the absolute despair behind her tears.

“Jules, what happened?  Please tell me.” I felt Holden approach as I repositioned the mask so she would still get the oxygen but could speak freely.

“Why did you save me?” she choked out. “Why didn’t you just let me die?” Her eyes begged me to give her an answer that made sense to her.

I felt Holden’s intensity when he asked, “What do you mean?”  

I lifted a hand to stop him, thrown by her question. “Why would I just sit by and let you die?”

Her nose was swollen, giving her voice a subdued, nasally tone. “It was my chance to be done with it all. Don’t you get it?” The corner of her lip trembled as her dirty fingers came up to her blackened, puffy eyes to swipe away the tears.  The look on her face said that she meant every word. She coughed hard again as she gripped on to the bed rail and leaned over the side.

I brought my face closer to hers and could’ve sworn Holden growled behind me. Suddenly standing with his arms across his chest, he shot me a death glare, but he didn’t need my attention right now, she did. “No, Jules, I don’t get it,” I said straightforward. “What happened?”

She tugged the mask over her head, her puffy, bloodstained face almost unrecognizable.  “Please, just leave me alone. My heart can’t take this anymore.” Her other hand clutched the sheet, and the sound of her fierce sobs echoed in the room.

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen,” Holden growled, angry. “You aren’t on your own anymore.” He moved the sheet down and took her hand in his own. “Sweetheart, let me soothe you, please. Like before.” 

In between her coughing and sniffling, she allowed him to caress her face while they gazed at each other. 

To my utter shock, it was as though they spoke their own language. I’d severely underestimated their connection. Their vulnerabilities didn’t make them weak as I’d suspected. No, they fed each other strength through their openness.

Her hands suddenly flew up, and she stared at her fingers. “Oh my god, I have his DNA under my nails.”

I stood straighter at that. Whose DNA? “The officer with you earlier said they already scraped your nails.” What was she getting at? I was eager for information.

For the first time since I’d met her, I saw relief on her face, and her shoulders softened.  Holden snaked his arm across her back, allowing her to cry and hack into his chest. With his eyelids securely closed, I saw on his tight features how difficult it was for him to hold back his own emotions. Once again, he was giving her what she needed. “It’s okay, baby girl.  Let it out. I’m not going anywhere.”  

“I just wanted to die and get it over with,” she wept. “I finally gave up, but for some reason I’m still stuck here with nothing and nobody.”

I watched in awe as my brother ran his hand down her matted hair. “Please don’t say that.” He kissed the top of her head. “You have us.”

She pulled away and looked back and forth between Holden and me. “No. I won’t come between you guys.”

Huffing out a breath, I dropped my shoulders and placed a hand on her upper back. In an effort to protect her, I’d only contributed to breaking her spirit. And, for that, I was filled with regret. “We’ll work through that, Jules. I’m sorry I’ve been such a prick.”

Her eyes widened in disbelief as she released Holden and scooted up on the bed.

I hated to break up their moment, but she needed to tell us her side before more shit hit the fan. “Are you up to talking?”

Holden jumped in. “Only when you’re ready, okay?” Even though I respected how calm he was while slowly trailing his hand up and down her arm, we needed to get her to start talking.  We didn’t have the luxury of time.

She looked unsure, then coughed a little more, wincing in pain. “It was Sam.”

“The bar owner?” Holden and I grumbled at the same time.

That motherfucker is dead.

She nodded, blinking hard, almost like she was embarrassed.  “He did it all.  He killed the cop, left me to burn in the bar, and shot at me. I tried to fight him, but he was too strong, and the door was locked so I couldn’t get out. The fire blocked my way out the back.” Her shaky hand came up to her nose, cautiously touching her skin before covering her mouth.

I watched Holden’s face drop as he brought her dirty hand up to his lips.  Not only was it difficult hearing this, but I imagined he was upset about not being there for her. There was no way for him to know that she was in trouble. Hell, I had my eyes on her and didn’t know this was going down.  

Moving the few strands of hair away that had fallen in front of her eyes, Holden asked, “Did he say why?”

Shame covered her face, and I wondered what the hell she had to be embarrassed about.  I watched as her demeanor changed from comfortable and open with us to shutting down completely. In one quick second, she had put a wall up.  “I’m really tired.” Laying down, she brought the sheet up to her neck. “I’d like to get some sleep, please.”

Holden patted her leg and placed the oxygen mask back on her face. “If that’s what you need. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

She didn’t waste any time closing her eyes.

But now my curiosity was piqued.

What’re you hiding from us, Jules?

Even the slightest movement seemed to flare up more pain or another round of coughing.  My
face was throbbing, and my
throat and lungs were dry and sore. It was difficult to see clearly through my stinging eyes.

The few minutes of peace I’d gained from my quick nap was great, but being able to escape having to answer the questions about Sam was even more of a relief.  The feeling of being stared at again gave me a nervous feeling as I slowly rolled my head for confirmation that I wasn’t alone.

It took a moment to focus and see that Mrs. Carter, the social worker that had handled my case in my early teens, was standing next to my bed. A few tears ran down her cheeks when our eyes met.

“Oh my God, Juliana. I’m so sorry.” Her hand covered her mouth as she shook her head.

On the rare occasion that I had gotten to see her, she’d always been nice enough, but we’d never formed any kind of bond. Once I was back in the group home, I’d heard other kids brag about how their social workers stood up for them. She sure as hell never did that for Casey or me. Why was she reacting like this, and why was she even here?

She reached toward my face, causing me to jerk away.

“What’re you doing here?” My first thought was that Sam had sent her to finish me off, but those tears looked pretty damn authentic.

“I work at the hospital as a social worker now and just found out why you were here.  I am
so
sorry, but I had to come see you. How’re you feeling? Can I get you anything?” It sounded like she’d do anything to relieve the guilt she’d been carrying around like a second skin.

“Why do you keep saying you’re sorry?” I felt every bit as accusing and suspicious as my voice sounded.  I knew she no longer had any power over my fate, but the fact that another piece of my fucked up past was standing in my hospital room really pissed me off.

“Please tell me this isn’t related to anything that happened to you when you were in our care.” She practically winced.

Anger boiled in my blood. I couldn’t believe she had the fucking nerve to ask that. As I was trying to decide if I had the energy to even tell this bitch everything I’d wanted to say for years, I heard a hysterical laugh.  Then, when I noticed her hand clutching her shirt and felt the vibration sting my parched, scratchy throat, I realized that laugh had come from me.  “Yes, it had everything to do with how I was treated in
your
care, but you didn’t give a damn then. What do you really want, because your sympathy is not welcome, and I’m too tired to offer you forgiveness right now.”

“I don’t blame you for being angry.” She lowered her head and stared at the ground.

That made me laugh again, causing my throat to constrict and a coughing fit to start.

Puffing out a breath of air, she looked me dead in the eyes. “I took an oath to advocate for you, but my superiors tied my hands and prevented me from keeping that promise. I wasn't strong enough to fight for you, and I should have.” Defeat mixed with remorse were evident in her voice, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to care. I had buried those feelings years ago. Was it even worth digging up now?

I pushed up, bracing myself on my elbows and stared at her in disbelief. “What do you mean they tied your hands? You were given a fucking job, and out of all the kids in the home, I was the only one that didn’t have someone standing up for me. I didn’t have
anybody
to go to for help. You didn’t even stick around long enough to watch Casey’s and my abuse. How can you even stand there and make excuses, when she
died
because you weren’t there for us in the first place?”

She shook her head, looking like she was either going to pass out or throw up. I almost felt bad for her. I may never be able to stand up for myself, but I’d be damned if those who had a part, however small, in Casey’s suffering went without paying some price for her death.

I laid back down since my arms had begun to shake from both anger and being worn out. “Yeah, Casey told me you were also her social worker before we were placed in that lazy bitch’s house.”

Her pleading eyes begged me to listen, but I just couldn’t. I’d been through hell and back, and although she didn’t physically do anything to me, I probably wouldn’t have even been in this bed right now if she’d stuck up for me.

“Please hear me out,” she begged. “I was told not to get emotionally invested, which was difficult, but I tried my best to abide by that rule.  When I was ordered to look at you like you were just another case, that you were a job and nothing more, I couldn’t take it.  You two were my first kids, and after all I witnessed, I left before I had a nervous breakdown.” She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and brought it up to her nose.

“I was no one's
kid,
” I spat.
“And you and your rules, along with the people you put me with, made sure I knew every day that I didn’t belong to anyone.”

At that moment, Holden stormed into the room. I’d never seen him so livid. “Well, good thing you had a chance to leave when things got uncomfortable, huh?” So he must’ve been listening. He stepped between my bed and Mrs. Carter, though the space didn’t seem big enough to accommodate his largeness.

She must’ve felt the rage rolling off him because she took a few steps back, her hands raised defensively. 

“Unfortunately, Jules wasn’t given that option and had to live through all the shit you left behind.”

Peeking around his body, I saw the alarm on Mrs. Carter’s face.  Holden’s emotions permeated the room.  I struggled to figure out how to defuse the situation while worrying about what Holden had heard. More than anything though, I was trying to understand why he was so furious.  This was not how I’d wanted him to find out about my past. “Holden, please calm down.”

He seethed and clenched his teeth, not acknowledging what I’d said. It was like he needed someone to blame in order to get the rage out. Unfortunate for Mrs. Carter, she was the lucky one on the receiving end. “And for your information, Jules wasn’t ever just another case. She’s a beautiful woman who, despite all the shit she’s been through, is stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. She was a kid who deserved your protection. She deserved the best you had to offer, and you
failed
, do you hear me? You’re just as guilty for destroying her life as the system and the monsters you left her with.”

Ugh.
This wasn’t helping me, and I felt myself beginning to hyperventilate from the anxiety filling the room. The pressure tightened my chest, and my empty stomach churned.  Taking several quick breaths to steady myself, I sat up and reached a shaky hand for him to come closer.  “Please, Holden, that’s enough.”

He took one look at my face and glared at Mrs. Carter as he intertwined his fingers with mine.  Resting his chin on my shoulder, he softly whispered in my ear, “It’s okay, I’ll calm down.”

Returning her focus to Holden, Mrs. Carter’s voice steadied. “I never, for one minute, agreed that she was just a case. I saw something special from the moment I first laid eyes on her.  I was weak and won’t make excuses for my flaws, but I want you both to know I did look for her as soon as she aged out of the system.  No one knew where she went...” She shrugged, looking helpless. “Which isn’t a surprise, but I did try.  Anyway, I wanted to tell you I was sorry and see if I could help you get a fresh start.  I figured it was a little too late, but I wanted you know you were important, and that you did mean something to me.” 

Wiping her eyes once again, she turned to pick up her purse from the floor.  “I’ll be going now.  I left my card on the bedside table if you ever need anything.”

Holden stepped forward, his arms crossed over his chest.  The tension was so heavy, I could see the veins bulging in his arms.

“Wait...” If I’d let her leave like that, I would be no better than any other asshole that left me to suffer. “Thank you for coming.” I let her know it did help me. “I still wished you’d done more, but I’ll try to forgive you. Just not today.”

Mrs. Carter nodded, still looking sad but somewhat relieved. “For what it’s worth, I did keep you from being placed in that home the first time they tried to send you there, right before I quit. I didn’t find out until a few years ago that you girls were the Malcolm kids.”

My body froze at the same time I heard Holden inhale loudly.
Motherfucker.

I pulled my hands from Holden’s and slapped them down on the mattress. “Dammit! Why did you have to add that last part?”

Her eyes widened when it clicked that she’d fucked up again. “Oh, my gosh! I’m so sorry.” She shook her head and took in quick breaths as her eyebrows scrunched together. “I just assumed...” The expression on her face and her sagged shoulders showed her mortification like she just wanted to crawl under a rock. “Please forgive me…for everything.” Spinning around to rush out the door, she bumped into a human wall.

Dante grabbed her arms to keep her from falling and peered down at her. “You can go now.”

My shoulders slumped forward, and I squeezed my eyes tight, hoping this was all just a bad dream. My blood ran cold, and my face fell. I’d tried so hard to live under the radar all these years, and now Holden and Dante knew about the most horrendous thing that’d ever happened to me.

My bottom lip quivered as I turned to look at Holden, searching for something stable, something I could hold on to.  His glassy eyes fixed on mine, and he sat down behind me on the bed, pulling me onto his lap, then tenderly held my face close to his. “Jules…” He swallowed hard, pulling away the hair stuck to my chapped lips.  “I really wish you’d told me yourself, but I’m here for you. And like I said before, I’m not going anywhere.”

On an impulse, I twisted around and grabbed him, holding on for dear life. Pressing my forehead into his shoulder, I sobbed just as I’d wanted to for years now.  I couldn’t get close enough, and if it hadn’t been for my injured nose, I would’ve buried my entire face into his chest and never let go.

“I’m so sorry.” He held me tighter, giving me the sense of security I desperately needed, and I didn’t care that Dante was still standing by the door, witnessing my breakdown.

All these years, I’d wanted to be held as I cried out for the loss of my innocence, the loss of my foster sister.  Travis may not have physically raped and killed me like he’d done to Casey, but he sure as hell did mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Holden’s body shook as he mourned with me.  There was no way for him to understand the extent of my pain, but I sensed he felt it deeper than I imagined he could. “We’ll get through this together, baby. I’ll help you.”