Release Me (The Music Within Book 2) (14 page)

“I
had already started clearin’ tables and washin’ the dishes when I was fourteen.
Dwight took the money that should have been put back into the farm to make it
better and bought the bar from one of his drinkin’ buddies. He claimed it was
his right to do whatever he wanted with the money since he was married to Ma.
What’s yours is mine and all that bullshit. The money he made at the coal mine
paid for his car and his booze. What came from the farm, Ma’s farm, paid all the
other bills. He said he was entitled to it all because he put up with our
shit.”

“So,
technically the bar is still his?” Cade needed to know this before he sank a
ton of money into it.

“Nah.
When he bought it, he didn’t have enough credit, so he signed my momma’s name
to the loan without her knowin’. When he defaulted, they came after her since
he was in jail. Ma was livid. If he hadn’t been sittin’ up in the pen, I think
she’d have probably killed him. We talked about it, and I convinced her to keep
it. Told her we couldn’t ruin our credit ‘cause of him. The plan was to keep it
goin’ until we could find a buyer, but that never happened. By that time, we’d
already started sellin’ off parts of the land to pay her doctor bills. God, I
wish I’d listened to her.” Mal finished off his beer and leaned his head back
on Cade’s arm. Cade pulled him in closer and kissed him on top of the head.

He
had known part of the story, but hearing the whole sordid truth come from Mal
made it that much worse. Made him want to wrap Mal in a cocoon and protect him
from the world. Cade had no idea why he was feeling so protective of Mal. He
was a grown man who had lived his life without Cade there to step in and save the
day for ten years. While Cade was off on the other side of the world playing to
sold out crowds then going back to the hotel or the tour bus and getting his
dick sucked, Mal was dealing with a failing bar and a farm that was dwindling
down to nothing all because he was gay. He was hiding his true nature from the
world because he lived in a backwards ass fucking town where homophobia was the
norm. Cade couldn’t understand why people didn’t just let others live their
lives the way they wanted.

He
never had to come out to his parents. It was never discussed. He simply brought
a boy home from school one day to swim in the pool. He and his friend had
splashed and played and kissed as if it was normal. It
was
normal for
them, but they lived in California. Nobody blinked an eye if two men held hands
or kissed in public.

“Can
I ask you something?” Cade was curious about the bar patrons not giving him
shit.

“Sure.
I’ve poured my soul out. Now, you can bleed me dry,” Mal grumbled against
Cade’s neck.

“If
everyone is so against you being gay, why was the bar full of customers? Seems
like they’d stay away if they don’t like the way you live.”

“They
might have the idea that I’m straight,” Mal admitted.

It
took a second for that to register, but when it did, Cade leaned back so he
could see Mal’s face. “What exactly do you mean by that? Do you have a
girlfriend or wife tucked away somewhere? Did you get Daisy Mae knocked up and
now have little Mals running around Arlo? Mal, I need to know what I’m up
against.”

Mal
pulled away and turned in the seat so he was facing Cade. “What you’re up
against? I don’t see how
you’re
up against anything there, Rock Star. I
went out with a few girls over the years to take the taint away from my name.
Whispered in enough female ears about how what happened with Tyler was a
one-time thing, an experiment gone wrong fueled by youthful hormones. Before
you ask again, no, I’ve never fucked a girl, so there aren’t kids involved.
Kinda goes back to that legacy thing… don’t want my legacy to go any further
than this right here,” he motioned down his body.

Cade
let out the breath he was holding. If Mal had been hiding a woman somewhere, he
would’ve been on the next plane back to LA. As it were, he was relieved, but
only a little. All that meant was Mal was in the closet and probably never
intended on stepping out. Not as long as he lived in Arlo. When Cade boarded
the jet that morning, he had already made up his mind to attempt a
long-distance relationship with Mal. Now… now he had no idea what to think,
much less do. Cade was a well-known celebrity who made no bones about who he
took to bed. Arlo might be a Podunk town on the buckle of the Bible Belt, but
the people who lived there did have internet and cable television. Eventually,
someone would recognize him, and then what?

“What
are you thinkin’ so hard about?” Mal asked.

“Life,
liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” He wasn’t joking either.

“You’re
thinkin’ that hard about history lessons?”

“No,
not the lessons, but the meaning behind those words. Mal, you have no idea how
much I admire you. You’re a hardworking man who clearly loves his mother, but
do you live? I mean really live, or do you go through the motions? You aren’t
free, that’s for sure. You’re in the closet pretending to like women. And
happiness… are you happy? You’ve had to work your whole life without doing any
of the things you want to do, like play sports. Have you ever truly been
happy?”

Mal

Mal
stood, putting a little distance between them. He didn’t turn his back on Cade
but kept at an angle so his face was hidden by the shadows. Moe and Curly came
from their places on the steps and sat down at his feet. How did he answer
Cade’s question without sounding like an ungrateful, whiny-ass bitch? His life wasn’t
glamorous. He didn’t have money in the bank giving him the opportunity to fly
across the country just because he wanted to. He didn’t have the freedom to
love who he wanted. To sleep with a man because that’s the way his cylinders
fired.

“Once.
I was happy once. For about three months of my life, I knew love. I knew what
it felt like to have the love I felt for Tyler returned. We were young, but I
did love him. So yeah, I know what it’s like to be happy. Maybe one day I’ll
get back to that place, but if I don’t, at least I know what it felt like.”

“You
honestly don’t want to try for that kind of happiness again? To know the kind
of love where you wake up with the man you can’t live without by your side
every single day? To have a little boy or girl run and jump on the bed at six
o’clock in the morning, waking you up just so you can watch cartoons together?
Fuck, babe, I want that. Not now. But somewhere down the road, I want that. I
want it all. I might be an old man before I ever get it, but shit, I still want
it.”

           
“Of course I fuckin’ want it. But I learned a long time ago not to wish for
things I can’t have. It’s easier that way. If you don’t let yourself wish for
the unattainable, you don’t get let down when it doesn’t happen. I live my life
doin’ the best I can with what I got. I keep food on the table for my momma and
do my best to make her happy in some small way. It’s my fault she’s nearly
blind. It’s my fault she’s no longer able to drive herself to get ice cream or
go see my sister. It’s my fault she doesn’t play the goddamn piano anymore!”
Mal leaned his head back and closed his eyes, regaining his composure. “At the
end of the day, it’s all I can do.”

When
he opened his eyes, Cade was standing in front of him. “It’s not your fault, babe.
None of this is your fault. You were born gay, and you were following your
heart. This is all Dwight’s fault for not being the kind of father who has his
son’s back. For not being the kind of husband who takes care of and cherishes
his wife instead of beating her so hard she loses her sight. For not being the
kind of man who takes responsibility for his family when he loses his job
instead of placing that burden on a kid.”

Mal
started to protest, but Cade cut him off. “Yes, Mal. You were a kid. I remember
being sixteen. I thought I was grown back then, too. Now I know I wasn’t. I’m
still learning shit about life, about me. Every day I learn something new, and
I know I have a lot more to learn. Everything that happened to you is because
of Dwight. You did nothing wrong. Ever since that day you have done everything
you could to be the kind of man he could never dream of being.”

Cade
was right; he had done everything he could, everything he knew to do, but it
wasn’t about him. It was about his momma. Before they could continue the
conversation, the dogs jumped up and started wagging their tails. Mal didn’t
have to look down to the gate to know it was Walt’s truck.

“You
lied to me,” he said, remembering the mailbox. “You told me you saw my name on
the mailbox. I looked; it’s not there.” He kept his eyes glued to Cade’s to see
if he would lie again or if he’d come clean.

“You’re
right. I really wanted to see you again, so I drove to the bar not knowing you
were in Nashville. I called a friend and asked them to find out who owned the
bar. They gave me your name, and I drove here looking for you. When Suzette
told me you’d gone downtown, I was hoping it was to look for me, not some
random guy to fuck.”

Mal
flinched at the jealousy in Cade’s voice. “I never thought I’d see you again,
Cade. So yeah, I went lookin’, but did you notice who I was leavin’ the
buildin’ with? He could have been your brother. I might be in the closet, but
I’m not dead. Seein’ you in my sister’s bed with all that skin on display? My
dick was harder than any hammer I have in the barn. If my momma hadn’t been in
the other part of the house, I mighta risked a beat down since I didn’t know
for sure if you were straight or not.”

Walt’s
truck was now pulling around back, and that conversation would have to be
tabled until later. “Come on, I gotta get the kitchen cleaned up.” Mal moved
toward the door, but Cade’s hand on his arm stopped him. Cade ran his thumb
along Mal’s bottom lip before leaning in for a kiss. He didn’t linger long, but
it was long enough for Mal to want more.

Cade
rolled his sleeves up and washed the dishes while Mal put the leftovers in
plastic containers. When he was done with that, he rinsed and dried the dishes.
Walt walked Suzette to the door, making sure she got inside okay and said good
night. Instead of hanging out in the kitchen, she continued into the den and
proceeded to watch something on TV. Mal could tell by the blush on her cheeks
that she’d had a good time. He would ask her about it later when they were
alone.

“Where
are you stayin’ tonight?” Mal wanted Cade to say in a hotel room with him, but
he wouldn’t leave his momma home alone.

“I
haven’t booked a room anywhere. I didn’t want to be presumptuous, but I was
hoping to stay in the flower factory.”

“The
what?”

Cade
grinned. “Your sister’s room. It’s like a florist threw up in there.”

Mal
threw his head back and laughed. He’d never thought about it that way, but Cade
was right. Every fucking thing in that room matched. It was how his momma
wanted it after Melanie moved out. Cade cocked his head at Mal, still grinning.

“What?”

“I
love your laugh. It’s deep and rich. Matches your sexy voice,” he whispered.

Mal
choked back a groan. Talk about sexy… when Cade lowered his voice, it went
straight to Mal’s dick. “Do you sing, too?”

“Not
as well as I drum. I can carry a tune, but I wouldn’t sell out any concerts.”

“Maybe
you can sing me to sleep tonight before you retire to the flower factory,” Mal
hinted.

“Does
that mean I’m welcome to stay?” Cade asked hopefully.

Mal
laughed, “Yeah. You can stay.”

“Good,
I’m not ready to go home just yet.”

“I
need to go check on some things outside. Wanna take a walk, or you wanna stay
and watch TV with Ma?” Mal really hoped he wanted to go outside.

“No
offense to Suzette, but I’d much rather go with you.” Cade leaned in and
nuzzled Mal’s neck which started him laughing again.

Mal
pushed Cade away playfully. “Okay, Rock Star, did you bring anything besides
fancy shoes? I’d hate for you to step in cow shit then have to go barefoot.”

“Of
course I did. I hate these shoes.”

“Then
why did you wear them?” Mal had never worn a pair of slip-on loafers in his
life. They didn’t look comfortable.

“Because
I wanted to look nice for your mom.”

“Oh,
I see. You didn’t want to look nice for me,” Mal huffed. He was enjoying the
easy-going banter.

Cade’s
light blue eyes darkened. “No, I wanted to look naked for you,” he whispered.
He stepped back and said, “Let me go get my bag out of the car.” Cade hurried
out the kitchen door. As much as Mal wanted to be friends with Cade, there was
no denying the sexual chemistry between them. The way Cade’s blue eyes lit up,
the delicious way he smelled, his long, slender fingers as they adeptly floated
over the piano keys, the dark scruff along his jawline that hadn’t been there
earlier, all of it called to Mal. Yeah, he wanted Cade to look naked for him,
too.

It
was probably a big mistake spending the weekend with Cade. Leaving him in the
hotel room after one night had been hard enough. Knowing Cade was leaving to go
back home… probably forever… that was going to hurt for a long time coming. He
should’ve never invited the man back into his life. He should have taken the
memories of the one night in Nashville and cherished them. Seeing Cade moving
around his house, bringing flowers to his momma, cutting up with Walt, being
part of their little family… it made Mal want to live and pursue happiness.

Cade
returned with his overnight bag and said, “I’m gonna change right quick,” and
continued on to Melanie’s room. Mal wanted so badly to tell him to keep going
and hang a left, but with his momma in the house, he wouldn’t dare sleep with
Cade. If they shared the same bed, there would be no sleeping – of that he was
positive.

While
Cade was changing shoes, Mal went into the den. “So, you and Walt have a nice
drive?”

Suzette
lowered the volume on the television and smiled. “Yes, we sure did. He is such
a nice man.”

“You’re
not tellin’ me anything I don’t know, Ma. Why don’t you tell me somethin’ new?
Like why he didn’t come in when y’all got back, or why you were blushin’ when
you came through the door.”

“I…
we…” Suzette sputtered, and her cheeks pinkened again.

Mal
threw back his head and laughed. “Ma, it’s okay. I hope he gave you a big ole
sloppy kiss. Or did you give him one? Hmm?”

“Malcolm
Elijah Wilson!” she protested, but the smile on her face contradicted her tone.
She leaned back in her chair and turned her head toward him. “Are you okay with
me spending time with Walt?”

“Ma,
I done told you. I want nothin’ more than for you to be happy. If Walt makes
you happy, then yeah, I’m okay with it. He’s a great man, been like a father to
me ever since… I wouldn’t mind seein’ him comin’ around more often. You keep
wearin’ dresses, and I might have to take a shovel to him. You should’ve seen
his face light up when he saw you standin’ in the doorway. I thought he was
gonna lose his mind.”

“I
used to be a looker, you know.”

“You
still are.” Mal leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Now, Cade and me are
gonna head out back and check on the cattle. We’ll be back in a bit.”

“Malcolm,”
his momma stopped him from leaving the room.

“Yeah?”

“I
want you to be happy, too.” Her eyes were misty, but she turned back to the TV
and raised the volume.

Me,
too, Ma. Me, too.

Cade
was standing in the kitchen waiting when Mal walked in. He didn’t know how much
Cade had heard of his and his momma’s conversation, if any. Didn’t matter. Cade
had changed from his dressy clothes into faded jeans, a long sleeve Henley, and
a pair of worn out black biker boots. If Cade told Mal he had a motorcycle
tucked away back in California, he’d probably bend him over the kitchen table
right then and there. Mal always wanted a bike, but that, like most everything
in his life, was out of reach. Instead of changing clothes, Mal kicked off his
good cowboy boots and slid his feet into his work boots sitting by the back
door.

When
he caught Cade ogling his ass while he tied the strings to his boots, Mal
prodded, “Ready?”

“Mmm
hmm,” Cade mumbled.

Mal
grabbed the shotgun leaning against the door frame. As soon as he opened the
door, the dogs took off running toward the barn. “You ever been on a four
wheeler?”

“Nope.
Are we riding yours? Are you gonna make me ride bitch?”

“Yes,
we’re ridin’ mine, and since you’ve never been on one, I’m not lettin’ you
drive just yet. It’s my only means of gettin’ around the farm until the new
owner sends me a horse.”

“You’re
getting a horse? Mal, that’s great!”

“Yeah,
I think so, too.”

The
rest of the walk to the barn was made in silence. Cade reached out for his
hand, and when Mal hesitated, Cade asked, “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,
nobody here but the cattle and the dogs.” In truth, he was glad to be holding
hands. Kind of. If Cade was gonna be there, Mal wanted to pretend things were
different, and they were a couple. He knew he was ten kinds of a fool for it,
but he’d deal with the fall-out later. When they reached the barn, Mal let go
of Cade’s hand and shoved the big door open. He slid the shotgun home in the
gun rack that was mounted on the side of the ATV. He stuck the key in the
switch and prayed the machine started right up. It did, and he climbed on,
scooting forward so Cade had room behind him. “Hop on,” he instructed. Cade did
as he was told and wrapped his arms around Mal’s waist. He could have held onto
the utility bar behind him, but Mal was glad he didn’t. He kicked the four
wheeler into first gear and slowly eased out of the barn.