Redemption (Forgiven Series) (30 page)

Lauren was able to get an appointment with an orthopedic doctor that week. Just like the doctor in the ER, he recommended immediate surgery, saying it would give her the best chance at a full recovery. He wasn’t sure about her returning to the ball field next season, but he was optimistic that with hard work in physical therapy her chances would improve greatly. My concern was less about the ball field and more about Lauren’s state of mind. Part of me knew that Lauren’s mood was because she wasn’t playing, but I had no control over that. There had to be another way to bring her back to me.

And I had plenty to worry about. Lauren continued to stay at my place and I lost count of the number of times she’d get out of bed in the middle of the night. After tossing and turning for a while, eventually she’d get up and leave. After a few seconds I’d hear the television on low in the other room. At first she tried to keep quiet, so as not to wake me, but after a while she didn’t bother. Not that it mattered. I woke up anyway. I tried to coax her back to bed with warm drinks and massages but she withdrew to the point where she would avoid my touch. The way she’d flinch when my fingers brushed her arm or when I’d tuck her hair behind her ear, ate away at me. It was like I’d physically burned her. The bags under her eyes grew darker. She became irritable. It didn’t matter that people were trying to help her, one wrong word and she would bite their heads off. More often than not I’d shoot whoever had been on the receiving end of her wrath a look, apologizing for her behavior. They understood, but that didn’t make it right. She also began to lose weight. The curves that had once begged to be touched, to be caressed, had grown jagged. The clothes that had once clung to her curves, inviting attention, now hung loose on her. Her skin was grey and her hair lank and lackluster. There were days when I had to force her to shower. And I did. I did everything she didn’t ask me to do, and I did it because I wanted to make it right, to bring her back to me. I just didn’t know how.

She went to class, but was barely keeping up with her work. We all tried to stay on top of her to make sure she didn’t do irreparable damage to her GPA for next year. Thankfully, one of her classes was with Angie and Emily, and they did their best to make sure she went to class and completed her assignments. For the rest of her classes, Morgan and I tried to be there as much as possible. Part of the problem was that she was so anxious about getting back on the field that even our relationship suffered. I knew she needed me now more than ever, and because I loved her I was willing to stand by her and do whatever it took to guide
my
Lauren back into the light.

Every once in a while she’d have moments of happiness and I thought that maybe, just maybe, we were getting somewhere. But just as quickly as they came, they were gone again. Six weeks had past and she was out of the cast, continuing to work on improving the strength in her shoulder and arm, yet she still hadn’t come around. I was running out of ideas on ways to help her through it, until one night I was talking to Angie and Caleb while I was waiting for Lauren to come over.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” I admitted to them, defeated.

“She’ll come around,” Caleb said, his eyes focused on the TV.

Angie shook her head. “I don’t know, honey. We thought that a few weeks ago but nothing has changed.” She took hold of Caleb’s hand, forcing him to look at her. “Imagine you couldn’t play football anymore. You once told me that you played because you loved it, but what if that was taken away from you?”

I knew Angie had hit a soft spot. Caleb would only give up football on his terms, not because he was told he couldn’t play anymore. Caleb sighed. “You’re right. I don’t know how I’d handle it.”

“Even her mom and Morgan are worried about her and they’ve know her longer than any of us,” Angie added.

“Their season is almost over. There’s got to be a way to take her mind off of everything, even if only for a little bit,” I said, voicing my thoughts out loud.

Angie’s face brightened a little. “She does have those moments every once in a while.”

I nodded. “She does, and if I knew what was causing it I’d do it all the time. Unfortunately, I don’t, so I need to come up with something else.”

We sat there in silence for a few minutes, all trying to come up with a way to bring the smile back to Lauren’s face. I’d already tried a romantic night out, and though she’d enjoyed it, the minute we got home the weight of everything was right back on her shoulders. Leaning down I placed my forearms on my legs and my head in my hands. My biggest fear was that I might not be able to bring Lauren out of this. Perhaps she had to do it on her own, but I couldn’t give up without a fight.

“If only Lauren knew that she didn’t have to do this alone,” Angie said quietly.

What was Angie thinking? Lauren knew she didn’t have to do it alone. She had plenty of people around that wanted nothing more than for her to be happy. If she needed one of us we would come running. Come to think of it though, she hadn’t been in contact with anyone lately, not unless they called her first. My head snapped up.

“Damn it,” I cursed.

“What,” Angie asked looking around trying to figure out what the problem was, while Caleb just watched me, confused by my outburst.

“She
doesn’t
know,” I said absently, shaking my head.

Caleb’s brows drew together. “She doesn’t know what?”

“She doesn’t realize she doesn’t have to do this alone,” I told them.

Now Angie looked confused. “Okay, but how can we get that through to her? We tell her all the time that if she needs something to call us.”

“Yes, but when was the last time you heard from Lauren unless you called her first?”

Angie thought about it for a minute. “Not since before she got hurt,” she admitted sadly.

“Exactly.” I jumped up from my seat. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. “We need to show her,” I said pacing the room in my excitement.

“Well, what do you have in mind?” Caleb asked, watching me, clearly trying not to laugh at the fact that I was pacing around the living room like a caged tiger.

I stopped in my tracks. “What if we throw her a party? And I don’t mean a get well party, just a get together where she can see how many people truly want to be there for her.”

Angie jumped up from her seat, clapping her hands in excitement. “I love that idea. It’s perfect!”

Caleb nodded in agreement. “Where do we start?”

I ran my hand through my hair while I tried to think of the best place. Suddenly, it came to me. “We’ll start with Kendra.” Neither of them said anything while they waited for me to continue. “I’ll talk to Kendra about inviting her teammates, and we can talk to her mom and Morgan about anyone else.”

Angie started to pace as she went into party planning mode. “I’ll talk to Emily and we can take care of the food and drinks.” She turned to Caleb. “Your job is to get the apartment ready.”

“Shit. How the hell do I always manage to end up with clean up duty?” Caleb grumbled.

Angie and I laughed at him. She bent down and kissed him on the lips. “Because you do, deal with it.” She stood up and started toward the hallway. “I’m going to call Emily now,” she called over her shoulder.

“Perfect,” I agreed. “I’ll text Kendra and see if she can meet me for lunch tomorrow so we can plan everything out.”

I sent Kendra a text and didn’t have to wait long for an answer. She thought it was a great idea and agreed to meet me for coffee after her first class. Lauren showed up a little while later and was none the wiser.

With a plan in place and the excitement of getting the ball rolling tomorrow, I had a hard time sleeping that night. Lauren decided to stay the night so I spent a good portion of the night watching her. Sleeping seemed to be the only time anymore that the tension completely drained from her face. That was what I was hoping to see on her face again. I had to have hope that all of the things we were doing would eventually lead us to that point.

I woke up the next morning to lips pressed against my temple. Even after all that had happened in the last six weeks, it was still nice to wake up next to Josh. Sometimes it seemed to be the only bright spot in my day.

Ever since the doctor had come back into the room that night and told me the news about my shoulder, I’d been in a funk. At first I spent a lot of time crying about missing the season. Once the surgery was over I had a hard time feeling like myself. Sleep was hard to come by, even in the comfort of Josh’s arms. Many nights I was so restless that I got up and left the room so he could at least get some sleep. Not that I actually thought he did, especially when he spent so much time trying to get me to come back to bed. I wasn’t hungry and I would usually pick at my food, even when Josh went out of his way to make sure my favorites were there. My clothes were getting too big and I was past caring. There were days when I didn’t feel like taking a shower. Who was I trying to impress anyway? Not matter what I tried I felt nervous and on edge most of the time. It may have seemed trivial to some people but softball had always been my stress relief, and without it I didn’t know how to focus my energy. My father kept calling, leaving messages blaming Josh for everything—conveniently ignoring the fact that Ryan was the one that had thrown me to the floor. All of this added increasing amounts of pressure to my already overburdened mind.

Through everything, Josh was amazing, taking care of me at every turn. But the stress over whether or not I would play again was overwhelming. Not that I would ever admit it to myself out loud, I still wanted the opportunity to try out for the Olympic team. It had taken the possibility of it being taken away, to make me want it. I knew I wasn’t being fair to Josh but it was as if I had no control over my reactions. Even his touch had me pulling away. My heart still wanted him, but I felt unworthy of his love.

The more progress I made in terms of physical healing, the more stressed I became about the situation in general. Over time, I noticed that I felt more able to relax when I was taking the pain meds. When the stress got to be too much to take, they calmed me down. I knew relying on them to manage my moods probably wasn’t the best idea, but it was the only way I could focus on my recovery. Knowing everything Josh had been through with his father, I tried to never use them when he was around. Truthfully, I feared what would happen if he found out. Besides, once I was back to playing, I had no intention of continuing to use them.

As the days passed and my moods didn’t improve, I worried that at some point he’d get tired of my crap and walk away. Next to never playing again, it was one of my biggest fears.

Josh was my rock. I loved him and couldn’t lose him. He’d become such an important piece in my life, doing everything he could to try and make this whole situation better, even when he couldn’t.

“Morning,” he whispered in my ear.

“Morning,” I answered, trying to smile. Every morning when I woke up my shoulder was stiff, a constant reminder of the work I still needed to do.

He pulled back to look at me. “Jersey, please talk to me,” he begged.

Throwing the covers back, I swung my legs over the side of the bed. “Talk to you about what?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. We did the same thing every morning. I was sure at some point he would get tired of it, but right now I just didn’t have an answer.

I felt him sit up and scoot behind me. “Every morning you wake up looking so sad. Please tell me why.”

I shrugged. “There’s nothing to tell, I just have a lot of work to do. Once my shoulder is fine I’ll feel better.”

He wrapped his arms around my waist and sighed. “What if it doesn’t get better? You don’t have to do all of this alone.”

I couldn’t even think about my shoulder not getting better—that wasn’t even an option. “It
will
get better,” I said firmly, and without saying another word, I got up from the bed, grabbed my stuff, and went to take a shower.

Why would he think that, much less say it to me? My one and only goal was to get back on the field, and I was going to do anything I had to do, to make it happen.

Once I was dressed and ready, I waited for Josh in the living room. We didn’t talk any more on the way to campus. After his comment there really wasn’t anything to say. Did he not understand how much I had on my mind?

We pulled into the parking lot and Josh turned the car off. Before I had the chance to get out, he placed his hand on my arm, making me stop and look at him.

“Look I’m sorry I upset you this morning. I know you have a lot on your plate and I just want to find a way to help you.” His eyes held so much sadness. “You can’t keep all of this bottled up. At some point you’re going to have to let me in.”

“I’m fine,” I snapped, getting out of the car and heading to class, never looking back.

Once I reached class and sat down, I realized what a bitch I’d been. Josh was only trying to take care of me. Knowing he had a break before his next class, I decided to go find him, once my class was over. Usually he had lunch with Angie while they waited for their class, and since I didn’t have any more classes, I normally went home and waited for him to come over when his were done.