Red Sun (24 page)

             
“What is it, Joanna?  You look upset.”

             
She looked up into my eyes.  “My fiancé, Gregg?  He hasn’t lifted a finger to help me with any of this.  I feel like I’m marrying myself, Solei.”

             
She sat on the very last pew, farthest away from her relatives.  I placed my hand on her shoulder and leaned against the wall.  “I can’t say for sure because I’ve never been down this road, but I don’t know if any of them are all that involved.”             

             
Joanna shook her head in protest.  “No, he’s not doing
anything
– anything!  I had to call him the other day to remind him that he had to take care of the tuxes.  He hasn’t even picked them out yet!  Sometimes I think everyone’s in cahoots to sabotage this whole thing – him included.  Maybe this isn’t what he wants.”

             
Before she blew this too far out of proportion, I had to bring her back to the middle.  “Wait, wait, wait.  Take a breath, girl.  In his defense, he’s a guy – they’re not exactly known for being the most sensitive, thoughtful creatures in the world.  He very well may have thought that he could do the tuxes at the last minute.  Guys don’t think ahead like we do.”

             
Joanna looked up at me again.  In her eyes, I saw real concern.  She wasn’t just throwing any of these feelings out because she was tripping – she was really having second thoughts.  I felt the emotion just by watching her.

             
“It’s really nice of you to take time to talk me off the edge like you do……”  She smiled a little.  “But sometimes…..people don’t need talking down.  Sometimes they just need to jump.”  Joanna took hold of my hand for a second while she stood, and squeezed it a little as she walked away and put on a happy face when she rejoined her family at the front of the church.  I watched her.  On the outside, she was the picture perfect bride-to-be.  Nothing like the first day we’d met.  Today, she decided that it would be less painful if she didn’t fight the inevitable. 

             
Deep down, I believed that she loved her fiancé.  That wasn’t really in question.  What I was wondering was whether loving him was enough for her.  At first, I thought that her apprehension was because of the added stress her family was placing on her shoulders, but now, after today?  I was beginning to think that there was more to her story than I picked up on before.  Maybe the more time we spent together, the more comfortable she’d be telling me more.  But until then, I had to join the charade and pretend that I didn’t know that she was preparing to do something that her heart wasn’t fully in. 

             
I felt phony smiling and carrying on just like she was, but what choice did I have?  Once, our eyes locked on one another and both of our smiles faded in that one real moment in the midst of the farce.  Joanna quickly reeled her feelings back in and turned toward her mother with a smile on her face when she answered another question.  This had to be killing her on the inside.

             
A couple hours later, Ruthann and I were back at the shop and the rest of the day went pretty much like it always does.  I watched the clock and anxiously waited until it was time to lock the door so that I could be on my way.  After our date last night, I was excited to see what Elan had planned for tonight.  A movie?  A long drive so that we could spend time alone?  Dessert at the diner down the road?  The suspense was killing me……again.

             
Elan pulled up about two minutes before time to close.  Ruthann insisted on straightening up by herself so that I could leave.  I didn’t think twice about taking her up on her offer.  Who was I kidding?  I couldn’t wait to get to him.  Like the night before, he greeted me with a smile, but he was definitely dressed down this time.  Still looking good, but dressed down.  He had on a plain gray t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts.  I looked at him curiously, but knew better than to waste my time asking what we were doing.  Instead, I sat back and went along for the ride.  We started out in the opposite direction than we had the day before, heading away from the bridge this time.  I recognized our path quickly – it was the one that lead to his house.

             
“Now, I should warn you.  Jo’s a little pissed at me.  I’m only telling you because I didn’t want you to think his problem was with you this time.  I told him I was bringing you by tonight and he refused to stick around.  So when I bring the truck back, he’s leaving.  I made him promise to be back in time for me to get you home and he gave me his word.”

             
I sat there unmoving, silent.

             
Elan sighed.  “I think this is harder for him than I realized.  You should’ve seen his face when I told him.”  I imagined it in my head.  Again, I had no response.

             
“You alright?”  Elan turned to see my expression before he asked.

             
I nodded.  “I’m straight.  I just don’t want to hurt his feelings.  Do you think this is a bad idea – us going to the house?”

             
Elan shrugged.  “If it’s not now it’ll be later, so we may as well not sneak around, right?  I mean, it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong. If it was all like that he should’ve said something when I asked him how he felt.”  I could tell by Elan’s response that he’d been reciting those words to himself in his head all day to convince himself that what he’s doing is acceptable.  In all actuality, he wasn’t wrong.  But me on the other hand……totally different story.

             
We pulled into the driveway and I continued to have second thoughts.  Elan shot me a reassuring glance and unlocked the doors.  I met him at the front of the truck and we made the short walk to the door.  I wasn’t ready for what I feared could happen.  The sound of the screen door creaking was unnerving – like I was about to walk onto the set of a horror movie.  Elan barely had the door open when Jolon snatched it from his grasp with violent force, keys already in hand.  The expression on his face was so far from what I expected; it was that of a desperate man.  That’s it……desperate.  He was so anxious to get as far away from me and his brother as he could that he’d stood there by the door so that as soon as we came in he could leave.  I’d prepared myself for anger – anger I could deal with.  But sadness?  Hurt?  Betrayal?  My heart wasn’t prepared for any of that. 

             
“Excuse me,” he mumbled as he passed, never once making eye contact with myself or Elan.  He had his course to the truck plotted and didn’t stop to say anything other than those two short, empty words.  It was strange to think that only a week before he’d given me so much emotion, so much passion, and now he wouldn’t even look at me.  That night felt like such a distant memory now because he’d made himself so scarce lately.  It was almost like the faded traces of a dream that lingered in my head, making me wonder if the way he made me feel was nothing more than residual left over from another one of my late night fantasies. 

             
Elan and I both watched as he trudged toward freedom – freedom from the hell we were putting him through despite the fact that we both deeply cared about him.  We stood there while he got into the truck and backed out of the driveway. Elan took a deep breath and watched his brother leave, obviously feeling even guiltier than before.  I could see it all in his eyes that he felt sorry for hurting him.  Maybe I had the same expression. 

             
“Well that wasn’t awkward at all,” Elan said sarcastically.  I gave a weak smile and moved aside so that he could close the door.               

             
“I picked up a couple movies I thought you might like on my way home today.”  The first stop he made was at the coffee table to light the three candles that were sitting there, then he walked to the TV and put a DVD in while I took off my shoes.  After setting them neatly against the wall, I met him at the couch.  Once he got settled, I sat in between his legs with my back against his chest.  The longer he held me in his arms, the more I was able to release some of the negative feelings I was carrying from seeing Jolon.

             
I half watched the movie, but my mind was too busy to really get into it.  It was hard to relax knowing that we’d driven Jolon out of his own home so that we could spend time here.  He was probably sitting on the side of the road somewhere watching the clock, waiting for it to turn whatever time Elan had given him the okay to return.  I found it hard to believe that his feelings for me were so strong that he wasn’t hiding it from Elan anymore.  What did that mean?  Did I care anymore?  The hurt from his constant rejections was very real to me.  It’s a lot to constantly feel like you’re making a step and then be thrust back ten every single time.  I don’t have time for that.  If he truly wanted to be with me, he would have taken one of the ten thousand chances I gave him.

             
              I was surprised when the credits began to roll.  I couldn’t even recall one significant thing that happened during the entire movie.  The whole two hours were spent rehashing my dilemma from start to finish.  The only conclusion I came to was that Jolon was a waste of my time and that Elan has stepped up as a man to get my attention – that means something to me.  Having had my heart broken in the past by a guy who obviously didn’t know what he wanted, made Elan’s persistence and determination appealing.  He’d made it clear from very early on that it was me that he wanted and he’d put a lot on the line to be with me – even sacrificing his relationship with his one and only brother. 

             
We sat there silently as the screen faded to black.  Elan kissed my forehead and slowly ran his fingers through my braids.  His touch was soothing, soothing enough that I closed my eyes and relaxed.  With his thumb, he traced the side of my face.  His hands were soft, but not too soft – I liked that.  They were the hands of a man that worked for a living, I mean
really
worked.  He lifted boulders, bricks, and concrete with these hands, and yet he touched me so softly.  I never would’ve thought that something as random as the slightly rough texture of his hands would turn me on, but it did. 

             
“You said you had to work early this morning, right?”

             
Elan nodded.  “Unfortunately.  But it pays the bills.”

             
I smiled at how much he sounded like my father.  That was something he’d said for years whenever anyone asked him how work was or if he enjoys what he does.  “How’d you guys end up inheriting the business so young?  Did your dad get tired of it or something?” 

             
Elan shook his head.  “No, I think he would’ve worked until he was too old to get out of bed if he had any say so.  He passed it down to us about six months after he suffered his second heart attack and moved further south.”  He laughed a little.  “Well he didn’t so much pass it down as much as my mother took it from him and shoved it at us.  I think the attacks scared her worse than it did him.  She got on him for years about how many hours he put in, but he wouldn’t slow down even a little.  And they’re not exactly young either.  Mom didn’t have me ‘til she was 40 and dad was 41, so it was really time for him to let it go even if he wasn’t getting sick, if you ask me.”

             
I’d always heard Elan speak of the family business as a chore rather than something he loved to do like Jolon seemed to.  I wondered if he’d just fallen into the groove that his parents carved out for him or if he willingly stepped into it.  “Was this what you always wanted to do or did you have your life planned out differently?”

             
He thought before responding.  “I wouldn’t say that I always
wanted
to do it, but I think I always
knew
I would end up taking over, so much so that I never really gave myself a chance to think about doing anything else.”

             
I frowned.  “That’s kind of sad.”

             
“Not really.  It’s a good solid business with a good client base already.  Can’t beat that.”

             
“Logically speaking, you’re right.  But what about
illogically
speaking?  Wouldn’t you have liked to travel the world doing something you love?  Or become the next millionaire off some random invention you thought up?  Don’t you ever think like that?”

             
He shrugged.  “I suppose that if I sat here and thought about it long enough I could come up with something I’d rather be doing, but what’s the point in that?  There’s stability in what I’m doing now.”

             
I sighed.  “I’m not trying to get you to quit and skip town or anything.  I just want you to think outside the box for a minute.  If you could be anything else in the world, what would it be?”             

             
I heard him exhale and then about a minute passed.  I was beginning to believe that he wasn’t going to respond, when he blurted, “An architect maybe.  That seems like a pretty cool job, you get to do something for people who really need you and no two jobs are ever the same.”

             
“Hmm…..that’s a good one.”

             
“What about you?  What’s Solei’s big grandiose dream job?”