Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (35 page)

She saw him flinch, a spark of blue fire in his eyes. She
thought for a moment that she might have pushed him to the edge of his temper
at last. A tense silence stretched between them, unspoken words and threatened
trust hanging thick in the air like a noxious gas cloud.

He growled through his clenched teeth. “I don’t love
Rachel, damn it. I love you.” He gripped her shoulders and shook her once as he
said them, and the dark, wild look in his eyes, hooded as they were by
furrowed, bushy brows, was frightening and familiar, cutting like cold steel
through her heart, despite his words. His voice dropped to a whisper. “Even if
you are crazy.”

She heard herself gasp and sob as more hysterical tears
escaped and sliced across her temples. Her heart fluttered wildly at his words,
a dove straining at the bars of its cage. Mindlessly, she thought,
I want you to fight me. Prove me wrong. I
want you to win!
And yet, she cowered, turning her face aside, her
shoulders shaking, her hands flying up to cover her face.

He sucked air through his teeth, trying to bring himself
under control. He squeezed his eyes shut and wrapped his arms around her, tight
and hard as iron bars, for a brief moment before releasing her, in slow motion,
tender and contrite. “I’m sorry.”

Motionless, Simon stared glumly into her face. He kissed
her between the eyebrows and said again, “I’m sorry,” shaking his head. They
both knew there was no point in pursuing it any further tonight.

Kate wasn’t sure what had been settled, if anything. Her
insides felt like a knot of twisted wire, sharp and tangled and raw. She wiped
furiously at the tears drying on her face, the echo of her frightful sobs still
quaking her bones.

Simon drew a long slow breath and released it. “What are
your plans for Christmas?”

Perplexed, she stuttered without thinking, “I… n-nothing,
really. Probably just hang with Alexa. My family… th-they’ll all be in San
Francisco but...”

“Good. Then they won’t miss you. I want you join me and
Maddie for Christmas Eve dinner. I’m cooking for Will and a few friends. Bring
Alexa.” His air of reassuring lightness was obviously forced, but still, just
what was called for. He lifted her chin with one bent finger. “It’ll be good,
you’ll see.”

Kate felt a final shudder run through her. Without
another word, Simon pulled her into his embrace and held her tightly, caressing
her back and hair until she was calm, warm and still. Finally, he pulled away
from her and held her at arm’s length, holding her eyes, his crooked half smile
teasing her. “You know I’m not leaving without pie.”

Kate
had insisted that Alexa detour
downtown to pick her up for Christmas dinner at Simon’s house, arguing that she
was, under no circumstances, arriving there alone to fend for herself among
strangers, intimates of Simon’s no less. Alexa thought she was being a baby for
needing moral support, but came to get her anyway.

“Relax and enjoy the evening. Don’t worry so much.”

Alexa had been reticent, initially, about the idea of
spending Christmas Eve at Simon’s. But then, with a twinkle in her eye, she’d
agreed.

“So. You must be relieved. What did the letter say,
exactly?”

Thankfully, Sharon’s complaint had generated only a brief
formal letter from the society president. She was still stunned at the outcome
of all those weeks of worry. “Oh, he very diplomatically reminded me to make
full disclosures in the future to avoid triggering this kind of
misunderstanding.”

“That’s a really nice Christmas gift,” Alexa said. “I’m
so glad.”

Kate agreed. However much of a relief the formal letter
was to receive, even better was the long, compassionate, personal note from her
mentor Rose that accompanied it. Amazingly, there would be no serious
consequences affecting her career, or her award and presentation at the annual
meeting in January. She could still barely believe that she’d been so lucky.

But though she was relieved, and had been ecstatically
dancing around her loft yesterday, at the moment her mind could not focus on
work. This moment was for Simon. Simon and herself.

Despite her apprehension, Kate was determined to do this,
to spend the time with Simon that he wanted. Not least because of her
commitment to him, but also because of her pact with Eli. It was really a
promise to herself. To keep no more secrets. To peel away any defensive mask of
deceit. To stare down her demons once and for all.

Simon’s house was festooned with colored lights when they
arrived, with a lush festive wreath on the green door. A stout Christmas tree
stood sentinel in the front window among the silhouettes of milling bodies
visible through the veil of drapery. She turned to Alexa, seizing her arm in a
death grip.

They paused on the porch a moment in rising clouds of
their own condensing breath and she shivered in the cold, crisp air. Scant dry
snowflakes drifted down as she stood gathering her resolve.

“Take a deep breath. No hurry,” Alexa said, turning to
offer her a reassuringly steady gaze and a wry grin.

Unexpectedly, the green door with the wreath swung open
wide, spilling warm golden light over the deck of the porch and blinding them
temporarily while threads of a sprightly Latin version of
In Excelsius Deo
plucked on a
classical guitar rode out on a bubble of warm air.

“Don’t stand there hemming and hawing,” bellowed a blond
giant who filled the frame of the door, making Kate step back to stretch her
eyes up to his broad face. He grinned at her. His accent was unmistakably from
Newfoundland.

She stood gaping. Where was Simon? The giant turned.

“And you mus’ be Alexa. Come in, come in, come in.”
Suddenly Kate was grabbed by a massive paw and hauled in through the door like
a rag doll.

In what felt like no time at all, she found herself at
the table squeezed between Simon’s brother Will and his lawyer friend Casey,
the large blond Newfie. She had the vaguest recollection spinning in her head
of a string of introductions as she had slurped down her first glass of white
wine. She looked around at the friendly and attentive strangers that surrounded
the table, wondering if she'd remember everyone's names.

The inviting atmosphere was warm, and filled with the
fragrance of evergreen and Asian spices emanating from Simon’s kitchen. He’d
popped out for the briefest of hello’s and returned to his cooking, giving her
the thinnest of lifelines with a second's meaningful eye contact. Alexa was no
help, seated at the far end of the long table, already embroiled in some kind
of red-faced debate with another friend she vaguely recalled from university
days, a slovenly, bearded guy named Bruce. In Simon’s relative absence, Will
had adopted a kind and protective manner, at odds with their one hostile encounter
on the front step weeks ago.

Across from her a tall, hunched big-boned woman, with a
large, concave face like a serving platter, and skin as white and soft as
pastry dough was asking her a string of questions about how she knew Simon. Her
androgynous voice was nasal and sibilant. Kate recalled her introducing herself
as “Alberta Lowell, call me Bertie.” She had the hunched and twisted back
caused by severe scoliosis, but for all that she was a powerful presence, and
reminded her of Julia Child.

“He’ll be here shortly, don’t you worry. It’s quite a
production, this feast of his, every year, but he insists on doing everything
himself.”

“Every year?”

Bertie nodded.

“Well, it’ll be the first time I eat Thai food on
Christmas Eve.” Kate wondered if she'd be able to eat anything after almost
throwing up from anxiety on the ride over.

The children apparently had been fed earlier and
relegated to the basement playroom. Kate was surprised, therefore, when Maddie
dashed into the room. “Michelle! Emma spilled her juice and Jack says he won’t
clean it up and she’s crying!”

“Oh, dear. Excuse me, please,” Casey’s wife Michelle, a
thin, angular woman with over-large glasses said in her high-pitched voice, and
slipped away.

Simon launched the meal bearing a soup tureen, announcing
it was Tom Yum to wisecracking all around, setting it down and serving
everyone, passing bowls. He stopped and narrowed his eyes at Kate halfway down
the long table. “What are you doing sitting way down there?” he mumbled. She
shrugged, but she didn’t miss the slanting glances and pressed lips from those
around her. Simon rolled his eyes and smiled. It was plain she’d been
absconded, but for good or ill was the question.

“Casey, would you do the honors?” Simon sat down
expectantly.

 “Aye. Aye.” Casey folded his huge hands together
like two great Christmas hams and bent his flaxen head. “Lord, t’ank you for
bringing our friends together this night, on the eve of your birt', to share in
your bounty. Watch over our loved ones near, far and departed. Bless this food
to our use and us to your service. Amen.”

A chorus of Amens led immediately to a cacophony of
clattering cutlery and chattering voices as everyone simultaneously ate.

The fragrant soup was followed by spicy green mango
salad, steaming coconut rice, shrimp on sticks, deep fried tofu and curries in
several colours. Finally, Simon carried in a large platter of Pad Thai noodles
to a chorus of compliments.

Before he took his seat, Simon walked up behind her and
gave her arm an affectionate, reassuring squeeze. Bertie asked about Simon’s
parents, who were on a cruise, while Kate gazed at him, wishing he was sitting
beside her.

“Simon, boy,” called Casey. “Come here a minute, will
you.”

“Excuse me,” Simon touched her shoulder and moved around
the table. The warmth of his fingers inexplicably infused her with courage and
contentment. Kate’s eyes followed him as he exchanged affectionate words with
Casey, and then stood by Bruce and Alexa for a few minutes, listening then
laughing with genuine amusement.

Bertie smiled at her with a knowing look. “His folks like
to seek out warmer climes. Simon got his travel bug from them, I suppose. Are
you a traveler too?”

“Yes. I guess I am.”

Bertie nodded. “That’s good. I’ve often wondered if Simon
would find another woman to share his life. Whoever settles for him would have
no regrets.”

Kate gasped. “No. He’s an exceptional man in every way.”

“Yes, he is.”

“Ah… you’ve known him long?”

“Since he was a youngster. I was a neighbour and babysat
the two boys for years. He’s always been so good to me.”

“Oh, really?” Kate said. “Has he changed much?”

“Yes and no. He’s… mellowed.” Bertie’s face sobered
thoughtfully. “He’s had a heavy heart.” Bertie leaned toward Kate, nodding and
smiling broadly. “Or he did, after Rachel. I’ve noticed a change in him of
late.”

Kate felt her face flush with heat.

The laconic Bruce heaved himself to his feet and raised
his beer. “A toast to our favorite chef, a most generous and talented host, our
Simon.” His podgy face harbored glittering dark eyes as sharp and devious as a
fox’s. She remembered him being almost as thin as Simon. Kate smirked, noting
he was keeping a keen eye on Alexa, who was now pointedly ignoring him.

Simon flashed a grin at everyone, but it was Kate’s eyes
he sought and held, and they sparkled with pleasure. She felt herself warm in
response. He dipped his head in acknowledgement, then rose from his chair and
raised his glass. “I’d like to add a special toast. Congratulations to Kate,
who’s just had some good news with regard to her career. She’s survived a potential
crisis,” he grinned and winked at her, “and will be receiving a special award
in the New Year. To Kate.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Alexa said.

Kate felt her face heat while everyone raised their
glasses in salute, wondering what, if anything, Simon had told his friends
about their embarassing work-place flirtation.

She was soon engrossed in conversation with Will, Casey,
Bertie and Lily, coyly fielding their questions, as she relished Simon’s
amazingly flavorful dishes. Again and again, she felt Simon’s gaze on her like
hot darts and her eyes slid over to meet his. Inevitably, his mouth curled into
the familiar half-smile that undid her, and she felt herself soften and warm
under his affectionate sensual stare. She had wanted to experience him in his
own element, thinking that perhaps what stirred between them would wither or
feel awkward, but her experience was quite the opposite. In the warmth and
security of his home, his friends and traditions, she felt entirely welcome,
entirely connected to him.

“Kate? Katie, girl.” Casey’s voice intruded.

“I’m sorry, what?” She looked at him blinking and noticed
he and Bertie standing and gathering empty plates. “Pardon?”

“By God, where’ve you been, girl? I was saying go wit’
Michelle and see the kiddies until we gets the dishes done.”

“Oh, no.” She stood up. “I’ll help, of course.”

“No, you won’t. Go on wit’ you.” Casey led her away from
the table. “You too, Simon, boy. No dishes for you, either.” He ushered Will
and Bruce toward the kitchen. “C’mon boys.”

Simon shrugged and, slipping his fingers between hers,
gently pulled her along behind Michelle, ducking through a door in the hall.
Down a narrow staircase opened a carpeted basement room brightly lit and
scattered with colourful toys. The children sat side-by-side watching the end
of
The Santa Clause,
the
littlest girl half asleep.

Michelle stooped to pick up her daughter, who curled
against her neck, and she sat down in a nearby armchair.

“Daddy!” said Maddie jumping up. “Is it time for ice
cream?”

“Not yet, sweetie. Dishes first.” He lifted her and gave
her a kiss, setting her down again.

“Awww.” She assumed a serious expression, her cupid’s bow
mouth pouting at Kate. “Did you like Daddy’s dinner?”

“I sure did. He’s a very good cook, isn’t he?” said Kate.

“S’pose. I don’t like Thai food. It’s smelly. Wait ‘til
tomorrow. He’s making turkey.”

“Oh. Well I’m sure that will… be very… ” Madison turned
away to speak with Michelle, instantly forgetting her. She shook her head, smiling
after her.

“Why don’t you stay?” Simon hesitated, wincing. “Unless
you have plans, of course. Join us tomorrow too. It would be just us and Will,”
he whispered.

“I couldn’t intrude. Really, I…”

“Please.” His eyes lit up and he lowered his voice, a sudden
heat evident in both. She looked into eyes that burned into hers, the vivid
blue shadowing to cobalt under his earnest brows.

She sucked in a breath. “Oh, I…” She turned her head to
the side. Her response was visceral and immediate, heat arrowing through her
core at his suggestion. She felt a shudder run through her. Her lips felt dry,
and she swallowed, licking them. What was she supposed to say?
Yes, I’d love to sleep with you again?
She shot a nervous glance over at Michelle, who was animatedly talking with the
children about the movie they’d watched.

Simon raised a hand to smooth his brow. “I’m getting a
bit ahead of myself. But stay until the others are gone, please?” Color rose
into his neck and ears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay.” Kate felt herself flush, raising a hand to
cover her face. “I… I…” She felt ridiculous and giggled stupidly. Oh my God!
This was it. She couldn’t hide any longer. She wanted so desperately to love
him. She
did
love him.
She respected and admired him more than any other person she had ever known.
And he was lonely and vulnerable too, just like her. She knew that now. She
also knew she could trust him not to hurt her, not to reject her again. Not
intentionally anyway.

“Quite frankly, I can’t wait for them all to leave,” he
whispered, stroking her cheek with his knuckles, his eyes lowered to her mouth,
“…so we can be alone.” An expression of self-deprecating exasperation flickered
across his face and made her laugh.

He turned away and dropped to the floor next to the
little boy with glasses strapped to his shorn head, leaving her standing
helplessly, thinking about the kiss that wasn’t, her lips tingling with need.
“So, Jack. What will Santa be bringing you in the morning?”

Jack threw himself onto Simon’s lap. “Pirates!”

“Arrh, pirates?”

“Lotsa pirates. An’ a big pirate ship. And a dead-man’s
skeleton and a monkey that climbs up to the top of the mast.”