Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (16 page)

She drew herself up, nostrils flaring.
What arrogance! How could he be so glib, so
heartless?
“Well maybe your faulty memory is to blame,” she said
icily. “I happen to remember every detail of our so-called relationship.
Including the ending. And to me, it was rather a big deal. Thank you for the
reminder. I now clearly recall how callous and unfeeling you can be.”

He opened his mouth to speak, shook his head, and shut it
again.

She gnawed on her lip and glared at him from under her
brows, her vision darkening and narrowing, then shot to her feet and spun on
her heel, grabbed her racquet and stalked out the door without another word,
desperate to put as much distance between herself and Simon as possible.
What a fool! How could I put myself in such
a position again? Have I learned nothing?!

She strode away in her court shoes, her arms and legs
bare in the cold October sunshine. A gust of wind raised gooseflesh and she
shivered. She marched angrily for several minutes and then sat down with a huff
on a retaining wall, breathing heavily, furiously gnashing her teeth.
Ooooh.
Why was her life suddenly
in such turmoil?
Shanti-mukti-shanti-mukti
,
she forced her breathing to slow down, and her vision returned to normal. She
sat, observing dry brown leaves lifted from the plaza on eddies of wind,
spiraling upward, tossing erratically in the moving air, falling down elsewhere,
only to be yanked away again by the next squall. She felt a particular empathy
with them, passive victims to their fate.

Why did Simon have the power to work her up into such a
passion? If it wasn’t nerves, it was lust or anger, or obsession. Never in two
years with Jay had she felt such a tumult of emotion. Maybe that was what held
her back from making a commitment. On the other hand, hadn’t she been avoiding
exactly this sense of lost self-control for years? Reflexively, she fingered
her eternal knot pendant, wondering if all this chaos was designed to teach her
a lesson.

It occurred to her she would have to return to get her
clothes and car keys from the locker room. She’d be sure to wait until Simon
was long gone.

~*~

“
Kathryn
O’Day.” She grabbed the
phone, her mind still on her case notes, thinking it was Jay about Halloween.
She was regretting agreeing to go to the party, but she’d promised.

“Um. Kate? It’s Simon.” An empty, electronic silence
reverberated on the line. “Listen. Don’t hang up.”

“I don’t hang up on people.” Her heart pounded. Why was
he calling? She’d moved through the past two days like a robot, determinedly
unthinking.

“No… just storm off. You were very upset. I don’t like to
leave things hanging that way. You seem skittish,” he broached carefully.

“I’m not a cat.” There were several more minutes of
silence. Now she sounded peevish and immature. She released a heavy sigh. “You
were out of line, but I overreacted. That’s all. I’m sorry. Let’s forget about
it.”

“I don’t want to forget about it. I want to resolve it.
We both have memories of what happened. I imagine we had very different
experiences and… well, I’d like to understand yours, talk it through.” His
voice was exceptionally calm, and he spoke slowly, as though he was dealing
with a psychopath or a child.

Eurghh! “What if I don’t want to?”

“Please, Kate. I won’t force you to say what you don’t
feel comfortable saying. But I’d like to have a chance. I just think it’s a
good idea to… to… clear the air. We still have to work together. I think it
will help diffuse the tension. Please.”

She made him wait a few moments. He had a point. How
could they resume their sessions like this? She let out another long sigh.
“Alright. When?”

“Before the next session. But I’ve got to take Maddie out
Trick-or-Treating tonight. How about tomorrow evening? Maddie’s with Rachel
this weekend.” He paused. “Can I take you to my favourite Indian restaurant?”

She clicked her tongue. Damn. He knew she liked Indian
food. “Just talking, then. That’s all.”

“And eating. Don’t forget eating.” There was a hint of
laughter in his voice. “I can pick you up—”

“Nope. I’ll meet you. Where is it?” This was not a date.
She wouldn’t make it easy for him. She picked up a pen, tapping impatiently on
a pad of paper.

He sighed. “Alright. It’s Balki Tandoori, on Victoria
Drive. Seven o’clock?”

“Right. I’ll be there.”

A
loud rapping at her door a while
later brought Kate’s heart to her throat.

Had Simon decided to push his luck and show up at her
place today? But no. That was ridiculous. He would never do that. Even her
eccentric neighbour Lena called first, though she was just across the hall.
There’s only one person who would show up without warning.

She walked to the door and peeked out. Yup. It was Jay,
with his arms full of a big soft bundle and a stupid grin on his handsome face.
She sighed and shook her head, opening the door and pulling it wide.

“Jay.”

“Hey, baby.” He barged past her, right up to the sofa and
dumped his load down. The plastic bags let out a shushing sigh and a puff of
damp and mothball scented cold air. “Wait till you see what I’ve got.”

She closed the door and followed him, trying to suppress
the feeling of irritation at his sudden intrusion. She hadn’t been very nice to
him lately. She had to try harder.

He turned and swooped down on her, capturing her face
between his cold hands and planting a long, hungry, possessive kiss on her
mouth. “Mmmm. God, I’ve missed you. Haven’t seen nearly enough of you lately.
What’ve been doing?”

She shrugged. “Work, mostly. I’m quite involved in this
new case. Making notes for my award speech in January. I really like the
couple, and we’ve moved on to a draft reconciliation agreement already, so it’s
going well.”

He planted another quick kiss on her lips. “That’s
because you’re so brilliant.” He shucked off his coat and tossed it on the
sofa. “Go out at all?”

Her ribs tightened with waves of guilt as she recalled
her encounters with Simon at the ball, their long talk the next day, their
shared lunches, and their impromptu squash game. Not to mention dinner
tomorrow. She swallowed. She’d seen more of Simon lately than of Jay. “Saw Alex
a couple times.”

Jay wrestled with the zippers on two bulky garment bags.

“What’s all this?”

He grinned at her over his shoulder. “Our costumes! I
just picked them up.”

She cringed. “Er. You know I hate dressing up.”

He pulled something frilly out and held it up to her,
then crushed the costume between their bodies and kissed her again while
grinding his hips into hers. “Don’t say that. I so want to see you in this.” He
stepped back.

She looked down and immediately recognized a
stereotypical English maid costume, Playboy-bunny style, and groaned. “No way!
I’m not wearing this!”

He put on a coy, puppy dog expression. “Please. You’ll be
so hot in this. I’ll be wanting you all night, and you can torture me.” His
hand scooped around her hip and pulled her against him again, demonstrating
that he needed neither torturing nor skimpy costumes to get him worked up. “The
anticipation’ll be so sweet,” he growled.

Anticipation
of what?
Her insides clenched involuntarily, her body remembering
his enthusiastic lovemaking. It had been a couple of weeks. He was virile and
athletic, and they’d always had a good time in bed. But the thought of sleeping
with him tonight worried her. It felt… wrong.

She put the maid’s outfit down. “It’s just not me, Jay.
Do we have to go to this party? I’m really not in the mood.”

He raised a devilish brow. “I know what you mean. We
could get dressed up and make our own party here. Starting right now.”

It was only four in the afternoon. “No way. I still have
work to do.”

“Just kidding. Anyway, we’ve got to go to Miles’s party.
We’re in the middle of negotiating a big contract. This could cinch it for me.
I’ll get outta your hair for a couple of hours. But you have to try it on for
me first.”

She pulled a face. “What’s yours?”

He made yet another mischievous face. “That’s why I
brought mine over here. You have to help me with the make-up.”

“What kind of make up?”

He shrugged. “Blood and stuff.”

She closed her eyes. He was like a twelve year old. Why
couldn’t he dress like some obscure eighteenth century philosopher? A Roman
senator or Fitzwilliam Darcy. Something dignified. Why was it always a zombie
or something? “What are you supposed to be?”

“Chop-Top Sawyer!” He twisted his head to the side and
leered at her in a very creepy way. It reminded her of Igor, but she was sure
it was even worse than that.

She was afraid to ask. “Who?”

“From Texas Chainsaw Massacre Two. You seriously don’t
know?”

“You have to ask?”

He laughed. “Ah, well. It’s okay. I’ve got photos.” He
rummaged in his bags. “You should see these ugly brown teeth I found. And a
bald cap with stringy hair.”

“And this is supposed to be sexy?”

His face fell, confused. “No. Did you want
me
to be sexy?”

“You always want
me
to be something sexy.” And tacky. And skanky.

“Yeah. Well?”

“Well? It goes both ways, you know. Axe murderers aren’t
exactly sexy.”

“Chainsaw… But this is way more fun.”

Kate drew in a large breath and sighed heavily, wondering
if he was planning on wielding an actual chainsaw to the party. There was no
getting him to see it from her perspective.

He pushed the maid suit at her. “Go try it on. Be a good
sport. Please?”

He wouldn’t back down. Gritting her teeth, she grabbed
the bundle and marched to her bedroom to oblige him. She tore off her yoga
pants and sweatshirt and wiggled into the ridiculously skimpy little dress that
barely covered her crotch, tying the miniature white apron over it. She glared
at herself in her dresser mirror. Her boobs were practically hanging out the
low cut top. It was even skankier that she anticipated, and she looked stupid
and cheap. Jay probably expected heels as well. She’d be cold and uncomfortable
all night, fighting off the groping paws of every guy at the party, including
the smarmy Miles whom she loathed. Not a chance in hell was she wearing this in
public.

“What’s taking so long?” Jay hollered from the other
room.

“Just a minute!”

She flopped down on her bed to think. How was she going
to get out of this one? With Jay, it was always one thing or another. They
never seemed to want the same things, enjoy the same things. It was always a
battle. He was like a big kid, a little wild, wanting to play, but his idea of
play invariably made her uncomfortable. And he was obtuse when she tried to
explain the things she liked. She’d always smile and put up with it because he
was so good-natured and fun-loving. Now she was coming to realize how this
ongoing struggle was part of the problem. They were so very different.

He was a party animal, always wanting to go to bars and
parties, drinking and dancing with groups of friends, or more often
pseudo-friends who were more work colleagues or potential clients of his. He
drank too much and behaved coarsely. But whenever she wanted him to accompany
her to a social function of her choice, like a play or the charity ball, he
cried off, pleading death by boredom.

They didn’t enjoy the same food or music or movies. The
same with vacations. She loved to travel to different cultures to explore and
experience new things. He would only go to Florida, Hawaii or Mexico to drink
and lie by the pool. Or more likely drink while lying by the pool, and party
and dance with other drunken strangers. In two years they’d been on exactly two
trips together, one of her choosing and one of his. They’d both been miserable.

Then there were moments when their time together was
lovely and romantic, when they’d somehow hit a happy medium, and their mutual
attraction peaked. He was funny and charming. Attentive and admiring. Generous
with dinners and gifts and always available. Sex was always lively and hot with
Jay. But there again, it was always on his terms. Her moods and preferences
seldom registered with him.

She began to wonder why his immaturity and narcissism,
because that’s how she saw it now, never felt like a deal breaker before. She
supposed it was because nothing better had come along. And because he wanted
her. And it felt good to be desired.

She gnawed her lip and questioned whether she’d really
fully dealt with her self-esteem issues during therapy. If she was completely
honest, she was afraid she’d never find someone to spend her life with that was
a perfect companion and complement to her. It was reasonable to have to
compromise, wasn’t it?

Or was it?

“Katie!”

She hauled herself up. She had had to make a decision
about Jay. Her chin dropped as she gazed blindly at the floor for long minutes.
She hated to disappoint him when he had nothing but the best intentions. But
now was as good a time as ever to face the truth. Better than modeling the
stupid maid costume, or going to the boring party later. Better than having to
endure sex with a drunken Chop-Top whoever after the party. Better than
continuing on with the lies.

Kate had to tell Jay the truth. She couldn’t marry him.

She quickly changed back into her own clothing and
gathered up the frilly costume, along with her resolve, to deal with Jay’s
disappointment and inevitable hurt.

“Coming!” She forced herself to go back to the living
room where Jay waited.

“Hey, why aren’t you–?”

“We need to talk, Jay.”

His dark brows bunched.

She turned away from his challenging stare, then forced
herself to look back at him with foreboding. He seemed frozen, the pieces of
his costume hanging in his limp hands. His dark hair was damp, a stray lock lay
ruffled across his forehead. It made him seem oddly innocent, like a young boy.

“Jay, I…”

“What’s going on?” He didn’t seem to be in a mood for
listening, but she knew what she had to do.

“I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

Recognition lit his dark eyes. “Don’t do this, Katie.
I’ve told you, I can wait.”

“I know…”

His voice was terse. “I don’t think you’ll find another
man who would wait while being kept at arm’s length. This isn’t the way I
imagined this going, Kate. We’ve been serious for two years. I thought… I feel
as though… ” He shot a wary glance at her, and cast his eyes down, reflecting
his agitation. “This isn’t just about you. I feel betrayed.”

Kate winced. Her chest tightened, guilt swamping her,
mixed with the apprehension of finally ending it.

His mouth moved, his eyes searching her face. Perhaps he
knew the answer before he spoke. His voice came out tight and quiet. “Will you
marry me or won’t you? Why won’t you answer me?”

Kate gnawed her lips, swallowing the searing sensation in
her throat, and raised fearful eyes to his. “No. Of course, you’re right. I
can’t.” As she spoke, her face crumpled and she lost her composure, tears
burning her eyes. How could she explain that he had too much style and not
enough depth? That their values just didn’t align? How could she tell him that
without hurting his feelings even more? She clenched a fist and held it to her
heart, feeling like a terrible person. “I’m sorry, Jay. You’re a wonderful man.
But you are not the right man for me. I know you’re frustrated and hurt.” Her
voice wobbled and broke “You have every right to be.”

Through her tears, she could see his eyes fill, too. His
nostrils flared and he clenched his jaw in his effort to control himself. His
head shook minutely from side to side, a hard white line outlining his lips.
Eventually he spoke. “I just don’t believe it. I thought…” His brow furrowed,
and she could see his pain metamorphose into anger.

“Just tell me why, damn it. What could you possibly want
that I can’t give you?”

She shook her head. “Nothing at all. You’re a good
person. Kind, generous and fun. You’re very attractive. You are everything any
woman could want. You’ve been good to me, and I’m very fond of you. But…” Her
eyes fell away, her lips trembling.

“But?”

“I don’t feel what I ought for you. I don’t love you…
enough.”

Jay glared at her in silence, a muscle in his jaw twitching.
Then his brown eyes lost their focus, turning inward and his jaw went slack.
“But I love you, Kate. I really do.”

She could only nod, and nod again. “I believe you, Jay.
You’ll find someone else to love, I know you will. But I don’t feel that we’re
right for each other.” She spoke through the tears that slid down her face.

~*~

Kate’s
splayed hand lay on the open
pages of the novel resting in her lap, her heart heavy. Her eyes stared
unfocussed at the blackened bus window and the lively layered multi-hued
reflections of the other riders bundled in their winter coats, scarves and
hats. Overheated bodies made the atmosphere humid, stale and stifling, but she
was glad to be among a group of strangers on the bus, alone with her thoughts,
all the same. She felt relief to have finally responded to Jay. And guilt to
feel that relief, and over the crushing pain she saw on his face when she’d
broken it off with him last night. That hadn’t stopped him from showing up at
her place again this afternoon, heart in hand.

His usual bravado had been replaced by a plaintive
manner, tinged with desperation. Outright refusing his marriage proposal had
made an impression on him this time. He understood she was dealing with some
tough issues, that it wasn’t only fear of commitment. It was more complicated
than that.

His eyes were glassy when he said, “Please don’t say
never, Kate. I love you. Let me take you to dinner tonight and we’ll talk it
over. I know I rushed things. I can be patient. I promise.”

“That’s not a good idea, Jay. Besides, I actually have a
dinner date tonight. I’m just on my way to the bus.”

His face had fallen. “A date? With Alexa? To rake me over
the coals?”

“No. An old college friend. No one you know.” There was
no sense upsetting him unnecessarily. It wasn’t like tonight was a real date
anyway.