Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (38 page)

She looked up from his chest into his eyes. “Yes. Please
listen.” She paused, smiling weakly and shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t know
why you wanted
my
miserable company.” She sighed and squinted up at him, determined to get it
over with. “Let me tell you what you never knew. You may remember, when we met,
that my boyfriend had just dumped me. I don’t know if I told you. What you
never
knew was that… I was still
in trauma from a… a rape in the last semester of high school.”

“What?”

She held up a hand. “Not Ben. I was on a school trip… we
were out drinking. We met some touring American soccer players…” she shrugged.
“And after it happened… you just don’t know… I felt so… soiled, so worthless.”
She again turned her eyes to the soothing view outside.

“Why didn’t you tell me? We were close enough.”

“The thing was… I didn’t know it exactly. Not that I was
in trauma– well, that too. I mean, I didn’t remember the rape. Had totally
blocked it out. A kind of selective amnesia caused by trauma-related stress.
The memories didn’t come back until about ten, eleven years ago. I guess I was
finally ready to face it. I don’t know. I’d heard of that happening to people,
but you can’t imagine your own mind playing such tricks on you.”

“Not playing tricks. Protecting you from pain.” His voice
was barely a whisper.

“Well. I felt the pain, only much later. But I was so…
broken. I was a mess when I met you. A much bigger mess than I even seemed on
the surface. I didn’t even understand it myself, because I’d dissociated from
the memory. I was withdrawn, depressed, passive and needy. And you kept coming
back, cheering me up, drawing me out, until I came to depend on you, until all
my hopes and dreams hung on you, my savior. My knight in shining armor.”

Now, she loved a real man, and though a part of her
feared he would never measure up to the dream, the thought was comforting in a
strange way, trickling into her tortured consciousness like a tonic, softening
and sweetening her suffering. This was complicated and messy, but infinitely
better. She had lived through violation, rejection, pain and self-loathing and
put herself and her life back together again, stronger than she was before. She
could never sink that low again. She would survive.

“And I didn’t know a thing.”

Anger surged through her, suddenly, and she wanted to
strike out. Her fists tightened and shook with violence. She didn’t know the
pent up anger and resentment had been bottled up inside her. She glanced down
at her hands. Painful memories, like overripe fruit ready to burst, surfaced,
overwhelming her.

“And you took what you wanted without giving anything in
return,” Kate said, knowing it was wrong. She shook her head, negating the
words. Yet she couldn’t stop the flow of bitterness. “Then when you figured out
how messed up I was, you bolted.” What a horrible, mean thing to say. What had
happened wasn’t Simon’s fault. She stole a wary glance at him, blurred through
her tears.

His face reflected the shock she knew he’d feel. “I never
knew this about you. What promise did I break? I was
nineteen
.”

“I’m sorry. That was wrong. That came from a dark place.”
She placed a palm on his chest, over his heart. “It’s not true. I just have
this residual anger inside of me, for that nameless, faceless man that took
what I didn’t offer, and my innocence and faith, too, without consequences. And
maybe even at society for leaving me with decades of psychological garbage to
deal with. But I shouldn’t direct it at you. Nothing that happened to me was
your fault. I know that.”

“It’s okay to feel anger. It’s right to feel anger at
what happened to you. I’m angry too, that some lowlife asshole could violate
you that way. It makes my blood boil.”

Kate heart swelled at his declaration. The fact that
Simon rose to her defense comforted her a little.

He continued thoughtfully. “But, you’re right, in a way.
I was selfish. And immature. And stupid. I knew you better than you think. I’d
fallen in love with you too, in my limited way… I understood, on some level,
that you needed compassion, that you were hurting. But I didn’t have the words
to express it, or the life experience to deal with your pain, Kate. The closer
I got to you, the more I felt it. It scared the hell out of me. So I shut it
out. I shut
you
out.”
His blue eyes glinted sharply, skipping like a flat stone across the surface of
his memories.

“I was too young, and too accustomed to being selfish to
be so… so needed. I was weak. I didn’t want to have to
work
at a relationship, never
mind make a commitment. We were so young.” Simon’s jaw worked as he
contemplated the scene out the window. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. The last thing
I would have wanted was to make things worse for you.” He reached out and
caressed the side of her face with the knuckles of his hand, letting it rest
there. Her eyes welled with tears and she felt them spill over and slide down
her cheeks. He brushed them away gently.

She slowly shook her head, her mouth twisting downward.
“It wasn’t your fault I came unglued. You just showed up in my broken world at
a time when I needed something to hold onto. I expected too much from you. And
what we had was so… ” she sucked in her breath, her voice breaking, “…so
intense…”

He pulled her gently toward him until she was pressed
against his body, wrapped his arms around her and laid her head against his
collarbone, stroking her hair softly. “It was. We had something extraordinary,
despite all that.”

She forced herself to continue. “Simon. That’s not all of
it.”

“Shh. Enough now.”

“No. Listen. I can’t stop until you know the rest.” She
pulled away, and strode woodenly toward the fireplace, staring unseeing into
the dying flames.

“What else is there? Every time we bumped into each other
on campus, I couldn’t wait to escape. I felt guilty, and I’m ashamed of it
now.”

Shame. She knew about shame. “Simon, we didn’t bump into
each other. Oh, maybe once or twice. But it’s a big campus. Didn’t you guess?”
Her voice was a hoarse whisper. She wrung her hands, twisting her fingers
painfully. This was the hardest part to confess, but she didn’t want there to
be any more secrets between them.

“What do you mean?”

Kate cleared her throat. “Simon, I looked for you! I
followed you, and… and memorized your class schedule, your routes. I made sure
I was there to
bump
into.
I basically stalked you!”

“Really?”

“I’ve never felt more ashamed of anything I’ve ever done
in my life. It’s the most pathetic thing I ever… I was so lonely and so full of
self-hate that I needed to validate my misery in some concrete way.”

Stepping up close behind her, he placed his hands on her
arms. She could feel his warm breath on her neck like a balm.

“Don’t torture yourself. It’s all in the past. You’ve
worked through it. You understand what brought you to those acts of
desperation. It’s over.” He slowly turned her around to face him, searching her
face.

“I was so obsessed with you.” She shook her head. “No,
not even you, because what did I truly know of you? Just the
idea
of you… that I could hardly
think of anything else. I went on for years, on some level, maybe two or three
years, hoping, yearning… until… ”

“I know.” He raised his hand, palm outward, grimacing. “Oh,
I get it now.” Then he clenched it into a fist and pressed it against his lips,
his eyes glistening in anguish. “Don’t remind me. I was truly heartless that
night. I… I was more than heartless; I was cruel. The things I said, the way I
behaved… I can hardly bear to recall.”

“You couldn’t know.”

Simon searched her face. “Even so, it was inexcusable, to
use you that way. And I never saw you again. I never knew what happened to you.
Why did you leave without… In the morning I could have…”

She sucked in a deep breath. “I was filled with horror at
your contempt of me. I couldn’t face you.” She closed her eyes. “That…
encounter… seemed to slash through the wall of my repressed memories. The anger
of it echoed… I tumbled into a profound depression that went on for a year,
more than that.”

Simon’s face reflected her pain like a shadowed mirror.
He opened his mouth to speak.

She raised a hand to stop him and continued; now that
she’d started, she had to finish. This was part of her and he had to
understand. “I think that was why I was so needy. Before that I was sensible,
independent and ambitious. Afterwards, I felt worthless. Un-loveable. And then,
there
you
were. We
probably would have gone our separate ways eventually. But I
couldn’t
let go. You were my
lifeline.”

“Right place, wrong time.” A sad smile tugged at the
corner of his beautiful, sensual mouth and a light sparked in his eyes. “So you
were never really in love with me at all.”

She offered him a weak smile. “Sure I was. You were
beautiful. I lost myself in you. But like you, at that age, I should have been
able to let go and move on.” She sighed. As she spoke, the revelations of her
therapy and self-analysis took on a deeper meaning than they had ever done
before. She understood, at last, what Rose had been saying. “Right man, wrong
kind of love. For the longest time, I needed you to validate me. As if, if I
could have the love of a man I thought was so perfect, so ideal, then I would
be ok. I would be clean and whole again. Your rejection was more than I could
bear and, for years after, I wouldn’t give anyone the chance to reject me
again. All I could feel was the self-hate and even that I didn’t understand.
But I don’t need you to validate me. I don’t want to need anyone.”

“Of course you don’t.”

“It was only by accident that I stumbled into therapy. I
knew I needed help.” She frowned at his chin and then closed her eyes.

“You’re wiser than you know. To ask for help is the
hardest thing.”

She gazed into his eyes. She felt suddenly so tired, as
weary as an ancient crone. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry to drag you back into those
terrible times. I spoilt what we could have had. If I weren’t so needy… I’m so
humiliated that you knew me then. Try to imagine how I felt when you walked
back into my life in October. I hate that I’m still so… I thought I’d worked
through it all. I’ve been afraid you couldn’t love me when you knew how
dysfunctional I was.” He pressed a finger to her lips, and shook his head slowly,
his eyes full of gentle compassion.

“You’ve been afraid of rejection, because I rejected you
before. You thought you weren’t worthy. But I promise you, I see you and love
you as you are– and I’m not going anywhere. Not this time.”

He leaned toward her and pressed his lips softly to her
forehead. “We are each of us an island. But we don’t have to do it alone,
Kate.” His eyes drifted to the flickering embers. “I’m sorry for your
suffering.” He paused, pensive. “But, I’m not sorry I knew you then. And I’m
glad you’ve shared this with me. We understand each other. We’re stronger. Now
we can go forward together without games or secrets. We can make something
together that’s better than either of us have ever had before.”

He put his arm around her and drew her closer. Tongues of
flame licked at the embers, burning low now, glowing red in the semi-darkness.
“From where I stand now, it’s crazy to imagine a couple of teenagers being able
to deal with any of these issues, isn’t it?

He turned to her again and wrapped her in a comforting
embrace, bending his forehead to touch hers. She stood, limp, empty as a
deflated balloon, her arms hanging at her sides, tears drying on her cheeks now
that she had unburdened herself and they had each reached toward forgiveness. Then,
slowly, tentatively, she slid her hands around his back, and held him tightly,
heart to heart, the safest of harbours. A few silent minutes passed. He let go
then and looked down, cupping her tear streaked face in his hands, searching
her eyes intently. Then he bent his head and touched his lips to hers, as
lightly as a butterfly’s wing. They sank onto the sofa, piled with blankets and
cushions, and he turned to stare at the glowing coals, pressing his lips
together, then spoke softly, under his breath, so she could hardly hear him.

“You aren’t the only one who was obsessed with an ideal
and pursued it relentlessly. I had the same notion when I was young. For
different reasons, obviously, but I searched and sampled and moved on, hurting
people along the way, no doubt, until I thought I’d found it. That’s why I
married Rachel so young. She seemed, on the surface, to meet that image.” Simon
closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head woefully. He faced her and
gazed into her eyes with such sober honesty that Kate’s heart ached.

“How wrong I was. I was arrogant and foolish. It was a
hard lesson. At first I thought… you seemed similar… but getting to know you…
Now I see that no one can meet an ideal. I didn’t know what was important.”

“How can anyone, without living?”

“But I was so arrogant, and so wrong. Despite your
insecurities, you are everything I want… have ever wanted.” His uneven smile
was soft and endearing, and she reached out and touched the curling corner of
his beautiful lips with a fingertip. “But I could never have
imagined
you. I had to discover
you and myself, too. You weren’t so very crazy. But I am sorry for your pain,
my love.”

She wanted him now, so desperately, with her body and
soul, but she had to learn to want him gently, to put away her fear of needing
him so much. She held back the urge to kiss him, afraid she would devour him,
lose herself completely in him.

 “Kate?” She lifted her gaze into his penetrating
blue eyes. “What about now? Are you still afraid I’m not who you think you
love?” He shifted his weight, his hip pressed against hers, thigh to thigh.
“There’s nothing wrong with holding up ideals, as long as you don’t let them
get in the way of true happiness when it’s staring you in the face. Do you want
me in your life now?” He took an expectant breath. “Tell me you need me too, as
much as I need you.”