Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (30 page)

“I have to say something.” She cast her eyes hopefully
around the table, waiting.

Kate looked up from her page. “Yes?” What new confession was
this?

D'arcy hesitated, facing her audience like a firing
squad, her hazel eyes wide. “I had a long chat with my mother.”

Everyone’s eyes drifted expectantly toward her.

“I knew I was missing something.” She eyed Eli nervously.
“I knew I was being shielded from something. So I confronted her.”

Kate’s eyes darted to Eli. His eyes creased thoughtfully,
but he said nothing.

“I think she knew I wasn’t going to be put off. Or maybe
she needed to come clean.” D’arcee’s nasal voice dropped to a half whisper.
“She confessed everything. She told me about the… the bribe, Eli.” She turned
to him sympathetically, her anguish at this discovery still evident. Eli winced
ever so slightly, but held his tongue. “Oh, Eli…

“I wish you would have told me, but I understand why you
didn’t. She and Papa have regretted it for years. Long before we had
difficulties, they knew they’d been wrong about you, but what could they do?
They feared you.” She reached for his hand, and squeezed it. “They thought you
would tell me, of course, and when you didn’t right away, they felt...” She
hesitated, her shoulders twitching slightly in a tiny shrug. “They thought I’d
be so angry that I would disown them, or something. Mother was in tears, if you
can imagine.”

Kate couldn’t.

Eli gave his head a minute shake. “It’s all over now,
cher,” he said, his tragic eyes belying the nonchalant tone of voice he sought.
“They love you very much. They were trying to protect you, that’s all.”

“Don’t defend them! What they did was unconscionable. You’re
my husband. I’m their daughter. Somehow, there needed to be an expression of
faith, and it never came until you had the courage to face her and force the
point."

Eli's gaze darted to Kate, then back to D'arcy.

"She now realizes that you have too much integrity
to ever have used that information to drive a wedge between us, that you bore
the weight alone all these years. She begged my forgiveness, Eli, but it is you
whose forgiveness they need.”

“Don’t worry, cher. Your mother and I have an understanding.
It’s okay now.”

“She respects you very much. Eli, I respect you very
much.” There were tears glistening in D’arcy’s wide mossy eyes and she placed
the palm of her hand against his shadowed cheek. They gazed at each other
intently, oblivious to the others. Kate’s throat ached, her eyes stinging with
unshed tears. A hush descended.

“Excuse me, I’m going to put some more water on,” she
murmured, and quickly slid out of her chair and strode away.

Sharon seemed to understand that the two of them needed a
few minutes alone, and excused herself too, heading for the bathroom.

Simon stood up without a word as Kate escaped into the
kitchen, leaving the hushed sound of D’arcy’s tears, and Eli’s muffled voice
behind her. Deeply moved by D’arcy’s words, Kate stood perfectly still, one
hand on the empty kettle, the other dabbing at her nose and eyes with a tissue.

Simon’s voice behind her was spoken softly, so as not to
startle her. “There, you see? Anything’s possible.”

She whirled around, her eyes wide, a hot flush rising up
her neck. “Oh. It’s more than I could have dreamt.”

He rested his fingertips lightly on either side of her
ribs. “Perhaps there’s still hope for us.”

Oh. She thought she could avoid this. She slowly lowered
her eyelids, shaking her head. “Please. Don’t. You don’t know—”

“Yes, I do know,” he insisted. “Sharon phoned to gloat
about her evil machinations. That’s how I learned about my rumoured
reconciliation with Rachel.” A corner of his mouth pulled up.

“Well, then,” she whispered. “You shouldn’t even—”

He laid the back of his knuckles gently against her
cheek. “We have to spend some time together. I miss you desperately. It’s time
for us to exorcise a few demons of our—”

She pulled away. “No. We can’t. You’re just giving her
ammunition. Besides…” Kate felt hot tears rising, and she turned brusquely away
and filled the kettle, slamming it onto the stove and hurrying out of the
kitchen, leaving him standing with his eyes closed, clearly frustrated. Another
moment with him and her emotion would be impossible to hide.

Kate resumed her seat at the table, trying to smile at
D'arcy and Eli to cover her own distress. Simon came in and sat down, and
Sharon joined them a moment later. Before long, the kettle’s whistle pierced
the air insistently, and she realized that she had forgotten to light the
stove. Simon must have done it. She shot him a curious glance before rising and
picking up the teapot.

“I’ll be right back with fresh tea.”

When she got to the kitchen she made the tea, and then
noticed a note resting on the countertop that hadn’t been there before. She
squinted at the familiar, angular handwriting.

I can’t
stand this. I know you’re worried about Sharon, but the worst is already done.
We’ll deal with it. We have to find a way to talk. I need to understand what’s
going on between us. I want to see you. This is so important to me. Please.
When can we meet?

A tremor dashed down her spine and arms. She paused a
moment to calm her agitated, shallow breathing.
I am so confused! Why can’t he just wait a couple of weeks?

When she returned with the teapot, Simon was busily bent
over his document as though unaware of her discomfort while Sharon read aloud
to D'arcy and Eli with her suggested revisions.

Kate set the teapot down with a thud in front of Simon
without looking at him, and picked up her papers, her stomach roiling. “I’m
sorry. Could you repeat that, please, Sharon?”

They went back and forth, clause by clause, discussing
various additions and deletions, marking up their copies. Her mind wandered.

What should
I do? Just ignore him! What else can I do?

They’d moved on a couple of pages, back on the subject of
career, income and education, and Kate hunched over her draft, industriously
making margin notes. She read out a proposed change, directing her attention
primarily toward Eli and D'arcy at the other end of the table, her voice low.

“I’m sorry, I missed that,” Simon said.

She turned her head and stared at him, his expression
puzzled and hesitant under her fierce glare. She frowned at him, unsure if she
was more angry or bewildered.

Simon seemed to shrink back, as though regretting his
rash words, or dreading her reaction. She looked pointedly into his worried
eyes and said, “Here. Read my notes,” deadpan, handing him a page of her draft
agreement, and returning her attention to the others. He took it, his eyes
screwed up, and reviewed what she had written in the margins, nodding,
glowering.

He handed the page back, and almost didn’t notice the
small scrap of paper that fell onto his draft in front of him. He jerked
suddenly and set another page quickly atop her reply, returning her page with a
sharp look.

She felt like a schoolgirl passing notes, and glanced
nervously at Sharon, a proxy for the stern schoolteacher, ready to rap their
knuckles.

“Thanks.” Kate avoided meeting his eye. She was aware of
him surreptitiously reading her quickly scribbled note, undetected she hoped,
since everyone’s head was bent over their own pages, jotting notes or reading.

Stop this
nonsense!
she had written.
Just leave it alone. I promised I wouldn’t “see” you while the case is still
open. Don’ t you get it? She’s watching us like a hawk. It’s too risky, and
furthermore, I don’t want to get mixed up in your family situation. You don’t
even know whether you want to be married or not. You need to focus on your
family first. Forget about me.

She saw him scowl over his papers, his breath slow and
ragged.

Please,
Simon
, she begged him silently.
Stop
playing games!
They could
not
ignore the professional ethics claim. He could ruin everything for her by
behaving this way. Sharon’s accusations couldn’t be given any further validity.

She sighed and shut her eyes as she saw him pick up his
pen.

She knew he’d written her another note, but he just sat
stiffly, his blunt fingers tapping impatiently on the tabletop. The discussion
continued, and Kate almost came to believe she was mistaken, or that he’d
changed his mind. They were discussing career and education at length when he
spoke.

“Oh, that reminds me…” he stopped abruptly, realizing
he’d interrupted, “Sorry… I’m sorry, I just remembered something. It’ll wait.
Please, carry on.” He waved a hand at Sharon and D'arcy who blinked and frowned
at him like he was off his rocker. Eli smirked and gave him a wry, suspicious smile
that baffled Kate.

She could barely concentrate as they listened to D'arcy
talk about her interest in political affairs, and how she had always wanted to
go back to school to study more political science and international affairs and
possibly work as a lobbyist.

When the topic seemed to be nearly spent, and Sharon was
suggesting a new clause or two in expectation of future career changes and
educational opportunities, even after the family was started, Simon suddenly
turned to Kate and spoke in a stage whisper, just loud enough for the others to
hear what he said. “Uh. I remembered the conversation we had about Mediation
and I… uh… was wondering if you had found that program brochure from the
Justice Institute. I think you said… ” he paused expectantly, and she could see
what he wanted in his sharp blue eyes, “…that you had it somewhere.”

She could just as easily have shut him down, but it would
seem rude to just brush him off. Instead, she put on a polite sardonic face,
and turning, said. “Yes. Of course, I still have it. Let me find it for you.”
Rising slowly, she went to a file cabinet against the window, and bent to throw
open a drawer. After riffling through, she extracted a file, returned and set
it on the table, opening it and flipping through until she found what she
wanted. “Here. This will give you some idea of what’s involved— the coursework,
etcetera. It would be different for you, of course.”

It would have been too easy if no one else had picked up
on his McGuffin. Eli raised his eyebrows curiously. “Changing careers, are we,
Simon?”

“Well… ” he shrugged. “No… Maybe.” He was flustered,
obviously unprepared to defend himself. “Just curious.” He made a show of
leafing through the brochure until Eli’s attention had drifted back to the main
discussion. Kate too, forced herself to turn her attention away. Eventually he
passed the brochure back to the table in front of her, pretending to lose
interest in it, and she understood that another note awaited her.

She lifted the brochure’s cover and could not stop
herself from twitching slightly upon finding his note, slyly shuffling papers
as she discretely read it.

Okay.
Alright. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship or your
reputation. But you have to promise me—it’s not over. Don’t shut me out!
Promise you will see me when the coast is clear. I will wait. I promise. It’s
worth it to me. You’re worth it to me. I know what I and my family need. Trust
me. Please give me a chance.

Oh my God! He acknowledged what she’d been saying and he
was still insistent that he wanted to… to whatever. Did this mean that he
wasn’t… that he wouldn’t… ? Oh, she didn’t know what it meant, but her internal
organs were twisting and clenching, despite her willful desire to push down the
flutter of hope that made her tremble and perspire, that made her heart trip
and clatter like a box of china teacups.

Simon sat with his eyes cast down, and she could feel his
tension. He really didn’t know how she would respond, or how she felt. But
despite her fears and reservations about their past, she realized she wanted to
find out more. She had changed. She cast her eyes about the table, not pausing
to look at anyone, but moving from face to face, making certain she was not
being observed, then let her eyes rest on him.

He slowly raised his eyes to hers, burning with an
intense blue light.

Their gaze met, and she felt herself flush hot and cold,
and her eyes burn with a multitude of emotions, a swirling mix of affection and
annoyance, anxiety and anticipation. Whatever she thought he wanted or needed,
she couldn’t resist him. She loved him.

Their eyes locked for several long moments, hers
straining to express all that she was feeling in the absence of words, or
touches. Recovering herself sharply, she felt rather than saw Sharon studying
them in a smug way and Kate was left to wonder what she thought she knew and
how much damage she could wreak in a week or two.

It
was impossible to concentrate. The
work was tedious despite the encouraging progress. Follow-through with details
had never been Kate’s strength, but she knew from experience that this process
helped her clients move forward.

Her emotions were a ship at sea, tossed on the waves of a
turbulent storm.

Kate wasn’t convinced that Simon knew what he wanted.
Even if he
were
attracted to her, he seemed to be of two minds, since he was clearly reluctant
to cut ties with his wife by finalizing the divorce, while behaving like a lovelorn
fool with herself. Well,
she
wouldn’t be fickle, rushing headlong into another mistake. She had some common
sense, and a very good idea of how badly it could go if you fooled yourself
into believing you were in love, and were disappointed.

The trouble was, she
was
fickle, and weak, particularly when it came to Simon Sharpe. Against her better
judgment, she wanted to swoon at his pleading note. How could she say no? She
stole a glance at his profile while he bent his head to read, fingers of energy
radiating off of him, calling to her. How she wanted to reach out and touch his
strong angled jaw, stroke his bow-shaped mouth that always hid a smile, tuck
his soft blond waves behind his finely shaped ear. She wanted him so much she
burned with it, was tempted to throw caution to the wind, and give in to him
even under the eagle-eyed scrutiny of Sharon.

In a perverse way, she was grateful to Sharon. Without
her interference, and the pressures of the case, Kate would surely have been
lost and unable to save herself long ago, before she was able to temper her
desire with mature common sense. Perhaps she could avoid him demolishing her
heart again, if she put a stop to their entanglement now.

She could even understand and forgive herself for
indulging in a little fantasy. How could she not succumb to the charms of a man
she had been crazy about as a girl. But if it was going to end, now was the
time, before any real damage was done. Her very satisfactory life would go on
without Simon in it, as it had before, and perhaps she would be a little wiser.
Trouble was, just the thought of that made her heart squeeze painfully, and her
eyes scald with unshed tears.

Blinking, she glanced at her watch. It was past noon.
According to her house rules, no one worked through lunch. “It’s after twelve
people. But we’re very close to the end of the document, I think another hour
should do it, but I don’t want to push anyone. Are you feeling hungry or tired?
Can we continue?” She looked around, waiting, while everyone consulted stomachs
and watches.

Sharon shrugged, apparently accustomed to working through
the lunch hour without ill effect. Eli seemed a little restless.

“Eli, are you hungry?”

“Oh, a little. But I need a smoke break.” He stood up and
bent to kiss D’arcy’s ear, and groped in his jacket pocket on the back of the
chair. He clutched a pack of cigarettes when he stood up. “Where can I… ?” He
glanced around.

“I wish I had a balcony, but... wait a minute. It’s such
a beautiful day…” Kate thought it would be worth the intrusion, if Lena were
home. She raised a hand, and picked up her phone.

“’Allo?”

“Lena? It’s Kate.”

“Kat-ey! ’Ow are you, dahling?”

“I have a favour to ask. Can I send a client over to have
a smoke on your balcony? It’s so lovely out.”

“Why of course, of course.”

“I’ll send him over.” She hung up.

“There. Across the hall, my neighbour Lena has a bit of
balcony you can access through a French window. The view will be great today.”
She grinned at Eli, who was grinning back, clearly pleased with the prospect.
“She’s expecting you. I’ll forewarn you, though, she’s eccentric.” She twitched
cautioning eyebrows.

Eli moved to the door. D'arcy stood up and scurried after
him, conspiratorially. “I want to come, too.”

“Are you hungry, D'arcy?”

“Well. We’re always hungry, you know.” She rubbed her
belly with a sheepish smile. She had finally given up attempting to hide her
pregnancy, and now wore a snug fitting black sweater with a narrow band of fur
trim, and wide trousers with high-heeled boots.

Eli and D'arcy went to the yellow door.

“Take your coats, you two, it’s cold out there. And don’t
be too long. I’ll see what I can find to eat. I didn’t expect us to take so
long today. Sharon, Simon, what about you?”

“I can always eat, but don’t trouble yourself,” he
quirked that self-deprecating, one-sided smile that made Kate’s heart melt.
“But I’ve got to call the office if I’m staying longer today.” He pulled out
his cell phone and drifted over to the far side of the room.

“I really must talk to a couple of clients, too, Kate,”
said Sharon, glancing around hopefully, peering down the corridor towards
Kate’s bedroom.

“Um, do you need privacy?” Kate gestured toward the
closed door.

Sharon nodded, “Yes. Ideally. Would you mind?” She
grudgingly smiled her thanks, darted a suspicious glance after Simon, and
headed toward the closed door, already dialing.

“Just hold on one sec,” Kate said, chasing her. “I’ll
check if it needs tidying. It’s my private space.” Egad. She’d never been in
this situation before. Did she really want Sharon poking around in her bedroom?

Sharon paused her dialing and waited expectantly by the
large window while Kate ducked into her bedroom. She cringed. Of course she
never tidied here. No one ever came in, least of all work colleagues or clients.
Even the decor and color scheme here was different… personal. The rumpled,
unmade bed looked like sand dunes at sunrise, the blend of mauve, peach and
pale gold soothing and feminine against the carved antique headboard and soft
grey walls. It was a side of her that few people saw.

She kicked a litter of discarded clothing and shoes into
her closet and closed the door, and raked a couple handfuls of freshly
laundered bras and underwear from the bed to shove them into her bureau drawer,
sliding the drawer shut with the side of her leg while she scanned the room.
Jeez! She scooped and dumped loose cosmetics into a bag, catching a glimpse of
her harried self in the beveled oval mirror, rolled her eyes, tucked her hair
behind her ears before tugging and smoothing her duvet, plumping her pillows.

The slightly drooping bouquet of roses Jay had sent her
still sat on the bedside table, dropping wilted petals artfully, and she wished
she’d kept his note to throw Sharon off the scent, but it was long gone. The entire
operation took about three minutes. It was not perfect, but…

“Well?” Sharon’s head poked through the door.

“Okay. Excuse the mess. Come on in.” Kate glanced around
one last time, trying to see her space with a stranger’s critical eye. Not
terrible.

Leaving Sharon to her calls, Kate went into the kitchen,
wondering what she could scrape together. At least she’d been to the bakery for
some nice fresh bread. Maybe she could find something to make a few sandwiches.
She rummaged through the fridge and pantry still puzzling over Simon, wondering
if he could ever be happy in any relationship, given his predilection toward
romantic idealism, and herself, with her utter terror of intimacy and
rejection.
It’s not as if I’m
discontent with who I am as a person
. She could happily live alone.
But whenever there was the possibility of love, her history came back to haunt
her. No amount of counseling could ever completely rid her of her trust issues.
And now, in spite of her doubts, he claimed that he wanted to be with her
again. Him! Simon. Her ghost and her nemesis. Her heart of hearts.

She was mixing mayonnaise into tuna, lost in thought,
when she sensed him behind her. She stopped her movements, held her breath, but
didn’t turn. He moved closer, she could hear his slow even breathing, smell his
skin, warm and clean and masculine. Still he didn’t speak. Then she felt his
warmth next to her body like the sun, radiating heat, and felt his hot breath
on her neck.

He gently lifted her hair, and bent over her, inhaling deeply
into the soft crook of her neck, sending a shiver through her, and then gently
nuzzled her ear and neck with a small hungry sound deep in his throat, like a
whispered moan. She sucked in her breath, and willed her heart to still its
frantic beating.

“Simon… ” she sighed breathlessly.

“If you say my name like that, I won’t be held
accountable.’’

“Is Sharon–?”

“Still in your room on the phone. I can hear her voice.”

She turned around to face him, pulling her neck out of
his reach, but he moved even closer, and took her head between his hands, his
startling clear blue eyes blazing into hers, captivating. Then he lowered his
mouth hungrily onto hers. She heard a squeak, and a moan, and this time it was
herself. How could she keep a clear head when her body was throbbing with the
heat of his touch. Just when she thought she might slither, spineless to the
floor, he released her, breathless.

“You can’t tell me you don’t feel anything for me, Kate,”
he whispered against her mouth.

“I never said that.”

“We have to work through the fears and questions that are
keeping us apart. I have to be with you. I know I promised, but–”

“No! We can’t… ” Her thoughts were scrambled. She had to
stop…

“Yes, Kate. Shh.” He reached for her again, his hands at
her back, tugging her into his body, hip to hip, his unspoken need darkening
his eyes to indigo.

She forced herself back, shaking her head, and whispered
helplessly. “Stop toying with me. You know I feel something. I can’t resist
you. I can’t
stop
feeling…” Her hands formed tight fists to stop herself from pressing her hands
against his muscled chest, and she felt her throat constrict with the pain of
confusion and desire. With an iron will, she stiffened her spine and raised her
chin in defiance of his power over her. “You mustn’t tease me when you’re still
involved with someone else, that’s all. It’s cruel.”

His eyes widened. “Who am I involved with?” The wry smile
returned to his face. It occurred to her in that moment, how much he had
changed over the years. He was still the same Simon she knew and loved all
those years ago, and yet, there were differences. His bones were more rugged
though fine, and he carried himself with the same silky grace. His eyes, the
same stunning sky blue, were wiser, creased at the corners. His smile, still
teasing, still sardonic, was a little sadder. There were layers to Simon now,
complexities, nuances. More to love… more to lose.

“You’re still married to Rachel, of course,” she
whispered.

He laughed without sound, his unruly blond brows knitting.
“I thought
you
started
that rumour, to confuse Sharon.”

“It’s confusing me!”

“What is?”

“Please don’t treat me like an idiot. I saw you together…
the whole family thing.” Why was she scolding? She had no right. She opened her
hands, palms on his chest, patting and pushing him away at the same time. “But
it’s good. She’s your wife. She’s Maddie’s mother. You should be with her. You
don’t owe me anything. Just… just don’t mess me around.” She mixed her hands
through the air.

Simon’s face registered his confusion and exasperation.
He raised both hands, palm up, pleading. “She’s
not
my wife. Kate, I’m not seeing anyone else. I’m
especially not seeing Rachel. You’ve got to be kidding. I’ll admit, I’ve
dragged my heals with the divorce, but it’s only custody issues. I admit I want
Maddie to have a mother. What’s wrong with that?”

Kate swatted away his arguments like gnats on a summer
day. “I’m not capable of surviving a reckless affair. I can’t deal with it,
especially with you.” She jabbed his chest with an angry finger. “Please
respect my needs and stop playing with my feelings.”

“You’re out of your mind! Why are you throwing up
obstacles between us? It's not rational. Haven’t I made myself clear? I’m not
interested in light flirtations or affairs.” He gripped her shoulders, pulling
her closer, bending his head to plant a tender kiss on her brow, and touch his
forehead to hers. “Kate, I’ve fallen in love with you. I want to be with you.
Only you.” Kate’s heart skipped a beat and her lips tingled. Her eyes, despite
herself, were drawn to his mouth as he leaned toward her. She felt herself
drawn to him.

The front door closed with a thud, and they heard a
clatter of voices, feet and laughter, and both jumped back. Sharon was suddenly
there too. How long had she been back from the bedroom? What had she heard?
Kate’s eyes flew open in shock, her mind a whirl.
Oh my God!
With a strangled low sound, she grabbed
the bowl of tuna salad and shoved it unceremoniously into Simon’s hands without
explanation. He was going to have to think on his feet. She turned to the
counter and pulled the bread out, preparing to make the sandwiches, her hands
flying, the blood pounding so hard through her veins that her teeth were
vibrating, her head hot with mortification.

Cool as summer linen, Simon turned to the open doorway,
laughter in his voice. “Hey, you’re back. Hope you like tuna sandwiches, ‘cause
that’s what you’re getting.” She heard the sound of the fork clattering against
the sides of the bowl, as if he really had just been helping in the kitchen.

“Kate!” D’arcy’s voice sailed high, giddy. “Eccentric
isn’t the word. That woman is downright peculiar!” She giggled.

“What did we miss?” Simon enquired, laughing obligingly.

“You wouldn’t believe the place,” Eli offered. “It’s piled
to the rafters with brass Buddha’s and prayer beads, stacks of paper
everywhere… Incredible. And Lena… wow.”