Reckless Mind (21 page)

He followed my gaze, went to step toward me, but I took a step back. I set the cookies on the counter telling him I'd made some for all of them and I hoped they'd like them. He tried calling out to me as I turned and ran from the shop, but I didn't pause. What I felt in this moment wasn't like the anger and jealousy I'd felt when I saw Brandon with another girl. This? This felt like someone was cracking my chest open and dissecting my heart into small miniscule pieces.

It was painfully obvious to me, no matter my attempt to keep my feelings in the friend territory with Cole, I had blurred that line and it was now unrecognizable. It was also clear that what I had felt for Brandon was what Emma had suspected...a connection with someone because we shared a past that was painful to us both. We had seen ourselves in one another, and thought if we could save one another we would both end up fine. Honestly, we needed to save ourselves. Cole knew that, and up until what I'd just seen I thought he had changed once we started talking as friends again.

I believed what he said to me in his apartment about wanting all of me, that he wouldn't take any less. Too bad I didn't stop to think he was free to do as he pleased until I was at that point where I knew I would be good to him and not drag our relationship through the mud.

“Kahlen,” he yelled my name as I opened the door to my car. I knew it was him because every cell in my body reacted to his voice. I started to hear the snide voice in the back of my mind telling me I was nothing, that I'd never be enough for any man.

Cole's hands gripped my waist, and he turned me around to face him. He looked shocked, worry flooding his eyes, as he saw the tears in mine. “My dad said you brought cookies in, why didn't you come into the shop. I know I said I was busy, but I would've wanted to see you.” He paused for a minute, taking my face in both his hands, “Hey, what's wrong?”

The tears fell from my eyes, “I saw you with her, that girl hanging all over you in there.” I knew I was being ridiculous. “I know I have no right to be upset, but,” I shrugged my shoulders, looking him straight in the eyes. “It hurt, Cole. You don't owe me an explanation, and I know it's not my place,” but he silenced me with his lips.

He leaned me back so I rested against my car, nipping at my bottom lip with his teeth I parted my lips, and when he moved his tongue against mine for the first time I thought I'd stopped breathing. Cole tasted like heaven, and I wanted more. I threaded my hands in his hair and tugged lightly as I pressed my mouth harder to his.

I moaned into his mouth, and he moved one of his hands down to the bottom of my ass as he pulled me into him, at the same time as he moved my head and deepened the kiss. Oh god, if this was what he did to my body with just a kiss.

There were cat calls and whistles breaking out from the shop, and I instantly broke the kiss, my face heating with embarrassment. I pushed my nose into Cole's chest, burying my face so
no one could see me. He laughed then tilted my face to look back at him. “Best first kiss ever, pretty girl.” Leaving a soft and gentle kiss on my lips, he told me to come back over when he was off tonight.

Chapter 18

I couldn't wait until next week to talk to Sarah, so I drove over to campus hoping she'd still be in her office, and she was. She was finishing with her last patient of the day, her assistant told me she'd be another fifteen minutes or so if I could wait. Of course I waited. I needed to talk this out with her.

She called me in studying me as I sat down in the same chair as last time. Picking at my fingernail polish, I stared at my hands trying to figure out how to start this. “How are you doing, Kahlen?” Dr. Hyland asked, my eyes met hers.

“I think I have a problem.” She was as calm as ever when she asked me if I could explain what I thought my problem was, and I told her everything about Brandon and Cole. When I finished I noticed she had a slight smile on her face.

“So to sum up today's pop by visit, you are having guy problems?” Well, when she put it like that I felt a little silly. My face turned red, and for a second I almost just got up and left. “Don't be embarrassed Kahlen, I'm glad you stopped by to talk this out.

“I just don't know what I should do. I mean, I know I've got things to work through, would bringing Cole into my life now make it harder, or would I end up hurting him? Because I don't want either of those things. And when Brandon comes back I have no idea what he's expecting from me. What if the whole time he's away he thinks we'll end up together when he gets back and then he gets here and I'm with Cole and then I send him spiraling off down the horrible path he was on all over again?” I inhaled deep trying to catch my breath, I started to have a bit of a panic attack.

“Just breathe, sweetie,” Sarah added and reached over and patted my knee. “Let me ask you something, Kahlen, and respond immediately with the first thing that comes to mind. Who do you think about wanting to see when you wake up in the morning?”

“Cole.”

“Okay, and who do you think about wishing you were with when you lay down to sleep each night?”

“Cole.”

“And who is the miss person that comes to your mind when I ask you who you miss during your day?”

“Cole.”

“Who do you feel responsible for, Kahlen?”

“Brandon.”

“Who makes you happy and takes care of you?”

“Cole.”

“Who makes you feel about yourself how you wished you saw
yourself?” Immediately I tear up because the answer was so obvious.

“Cole,” I said as the tears slipped down my face. “He's the only person who, after telling them what I had been through, looked at me with acceptance. He's the only one who never ran away from me, he's always been there no matter what from the time I met him. Even after I said all those horrible things to him, he gave us both some time and space, and then he came right back to me.”

“And when you think about Cole, has he hindered or helped you along the path you are on to come to terms with your past?”

“He's only ever helped me.”

“And Brandon? Same question?”

“All he ever did was treat me, not in as bad of a way, but he would make me feel like I did before I left to come here.” And holy fucking shit,
this was why they got paid so much money.

“I think you answered almost everything. The one question still floating around is if bringing Cole into your life in a romantic way would hinder you from moving forward with your recovery, and you are also concerned that you may hurt him, is that right?”

I nodded in silence. More than anything I was scared. Scared to start something with Cole only to have my demons flare up and push him away. He came back after I pushed him away once, I'm not sure he would do it again.

“This is my advice. Everyone needs someone, Kahlen. That person you can t
rust with everything, who stood by you, who sees the
real you
even when you don't. Everyone needs someone to grow with, someone who will push you to be the best person you can be. Only you know who that person is, Kahlen.”

“Cole,” his name left my lips automatically. Deep in my heart and soul I knew he was strong enough to stand by my side through all of this, “But am I strong enough to be the woman in his life, the one who could give him everything he needs and deserves?”

“You can't let your mind go there Kahlen, because just like you are the only one who knows who is best for you, he is a grown man and knows what his heart and mind want for him. You have to leave that part up to him, and from what it seems, this Cole Westwood seems like a brilliant young man.

My answer to everything you've brought me today is this...if you have the rare opportunity to find someone who makes you the best version of yourself, someone who stands by you through thick and thin, the kind of love that never fades, love that makes you whole, and that completes your soul...you fight for it. Don't let fear ruin your life, Kahlen.”

I nodded, thanking her for her time and making sure I could still keep an appointment for next week, which she agreed to. Walking to my car I thought about how lucky I was that Dr. Hyland had come into my life when she did.

Cole would get off work in a half hour or so, so I decided to head over to the shop. I walked in the office for the second time that day, and hoped I didn't see a repeat of earlier. Travis was finishing with a customer as I walked him. He thanked the lady for her business, and when she left he focused in on me.

“Hey, Kahlen, how are you?” He looked at me knowingly, he knew what I saw earlier and I can only imagine what my face must have looked like. I flushed at the thought of him thinking less of me for how I acted earlier.

“I'm good, Mr. Westwood,” and tried for my best smile. “I wanted to apologize to you for how I acted here at your shop earlier, it was inappropriate, I hope I didn't cause too much of a scene.” I was wringing my hands between one another, nervous he would think I wasn't good enough for Cole.

“Awww, sweet girl, don't you worry your pretty little head about that, okay? I've waited a long time to see someone care for my boy the way you obviously do. Take it easy on him though, he's going to mess up, he'll make mistakes, but if he falls for you sweetie, you'll be the first and the last.” Travis wrapped his arm around my shoulders pulling me for a side hug. “Oh, he headed up to his place, so just go on ahead, okay?”

I smiled, saying goodbye. Cole's dads' words kept repeating over and over, 'you'll be the first and last', what did he mean by that? I was going to ask Cole tonight. He knew an awful lot about me, and I knew so much about him too, but one thing I didn't know about was what his life was like growing up, how many girlfriends had he had, had he ever been in love. That was the kind of
knowing
Cole I wanted.

Knocking lightly on the door, I heard him call for me to come in, so I did. The lighting in the place was dim, and as I came further in I saw the table set in candlelight, roses lying over my place at the table. Cole stepped into view coming around the corner from where he must have been in the kitchen. He had on sweatpants that hung low on hips, the v muscles heading further south from his stomach were ridiculously hot, I'm pretty sure I started salivating as I stared. His abs were tight and in shape, and I was right, there were two sparrows swooping down on either side of his chest.

Cole laughed a little, “See something you like, pretty girl?” Even though he was the one standing there half dressed, by the look in his eyes he was stripping every piece of clothing off of me, I might as well have been standing there naked. “Come here, you're too far away,” he motioned me to him with his hands, and took off running, throwing myself in his arms and wrapping mine around his neck.

He buried his nose in my neck running it up and down as he breathed deeply. “I don't know what it is, but the smell of you literally drives me crazy wanting you.” Gently he sent me back down on my feet and told me to sit and relax, he was pulling dinner out of the oven. When I asked if he was going to put a shirt on so I could focus while I was around him he smiled and I caught a glimpse of that dimple that melted my heart.

“I thought I'd leave it off, you know, easy access later,” he wiggled his eyebrows up and down. I picked up the pillow off the couch and chucked it at him successfully hitting him in the back of the head. “Oh you want to have a pillow fight? I'm game,” he said and started moving quickly my direction.

“No. No, no, no, no,” I went to move away from him but he was too damn fast. He grabbed me up and swung me over his shoulder, one hand behind my knees, the other placed possessively over my ass. “Cole, no, I was playing around, where are you taking me?” I laughed and smacked his lower back all at the same time, yelling for him to set me down.

He set me down on my chair in the kitchen and told me not to move, that he was bringing dinner out. Setting the bowl of salad down first, he returned with what looked like stuffed shells and marinara sauce, and my stomach growled in response. “This is great, Cole, thank you for this.” He pulled his lip ring between his teeth and suddenly all I wanted to do was pull it between mine.

“I'm sorry about earlier, Kahlen. It wasn't anything, I swear to you, I just honestly don't even notice when girls are doing it anymore.” Giving me a small frown shrugging his shoulders, he really did look like he felt bad.

“Don't apologize, I overreacted, and I'm sorry for that.”

“You didn't overreact. I told you when you were ready I was in this one hundred percent whenever you could give me the same. When I said that I didn't mean I was going to keep going around and fucking girls until you were ready to be with me. I promise you, with everything I have, I have not hooked up with anyone since the night we met at the party...not that night, and not one time since.”

“But you usually sleep with girls a lot right?” I didn't want to know really, but this was part of the getting to know the more intimate parts of Cole conversation I wanted to have tonight. He must not have wanted to answer, or he didn't like the way the conversation was going, because he wasn't looking at me when he nodded. “But you're always safe, right? There's no little Westwood running around anywhere I need to know about? And you get tested so you're clean?”

“Yeah I've always been safe, there's no little me's running around anywhere, and I get tested every six months, clean every time. Your mind seems to be focused on something pretty specific tonight, pretty girl.” He raised his eyebrows, laughing at me when my face turned a brilliant shade of red.