Reckless Mind (23 page)

I grabbed the coffee he'd gotten ready for me and set it on the table he had in the entry way by my purse. Turning and telling him goodbye, I placed my palms flat on his bare chest, stood on my tip toes, and took a deep breath to hopefully calm my nerves. Getting as close to his lips as I could without actually touching them I told him I would miss him, and then I ran my tongue across his bottom lip, circling around his lip ring, and then kissing him lightly on the lips.

Smiling as I backed away to the door, Cole's eyes heated with hunger, the sea green color deepening and a sexy smirk pulling at his lips. “I'll miss you too, pretty girl. Call me when you're done with Emma. I have some unfinished business I'd like to attend to with you later.” He winked at me as I shut the door, heat and hunger of my own flaring.

I got to my apartment with about an hour to get ready and meet Emma at her parents' house. Not wanting to shower because I knew it would wash Cole's scent off me, I begrudgingly did it anyway knowing I would see him later.

Putting on black shorts and a U of S.C. jersey shirt, I grabbed an apple and granola bar to eat on the way to meet Emma. My mind was absorbed with Cole...his smell, his full lips, the taste his tongue left on mine, his hands on my body. When I pulled into the Lucas' driveway I almost choked on my apple, all thoughts of Cole dissipating, because there sat Brandon's car.

It had been four weeks since he'd left without a word. I wasn't sure if he was ever coming back, and over these weeks I had thought about how I would feel seeing him again. Never did I think I would feel like I did right now. I was pissed.

Marching up to the front door with a purpose, I rang the bell nicely...it was Dan and Jules house after all. Jules answered the door smiling brightly until she saw the look on my face. “Where is he?” I ground my teeth as I moved past her heading inside the house.

“Kahlen wait a minute, he said he doesn't or can't see you right now, sweetie. He just got back, we haven't really gotten into all the specifics,” but I stopped listening to her and kept moving through the house toward the kitchen where I heard voices.

As I rounded the corner, there he stood with his dad. Instantly his eyes met mine, his jaw went slack, maybe at the look on my face, maybe because he didn't expect to see me, or maybe because he knew what was about to happen.

I pulled my hand back and smacked him across the cheek so fucking hard. Tears pooled in my eyes, and I kept hitting him on the arm, the chest, but the hits lessened in strength every time, until he wrapped his arms around me securely holding me to his chest. Sobs tore up my throat, “How could you do that? How could you just leave me like what I told you meant nothing?” My knees started to go weak, but Brandon's hold around me was tight.

Eventually he took us both down to the floor, his parents left the room, and he rocked me as I cried. Until that moment I had no idea how much pain I was holding inside over him leaving me after I opened up to him. It was like the connection I thought we both felt meant nothing to him. That I meant nothing to him. And even though I moved to a relationship with Cole, it hurt me beyond words to think I meant nothing to him.

Because he clearly still meant something to me or I wouldn't be acting like this. I still felt the pull to him I did from the moment I laid eyes on him. Why did I think that had gone away? Was it just because he hadn't been around to reinforce it, or because I was so hurt by him running again?

Question after question assaulted my mind, and all I could do was cry. I'm not sure how long I sat letting him hold me, but it must have been hours. Eventually I heard the front door open and Emma's voice, “Oh fucking shit, is she here? Did she see him? When did he get back? I sent her a text to meet me at Jax's place, but when she never showed up I figured something was up with her phone so I just came here,” she paused as someone who I couldn't hear must've been speaking to her.

“Hell no, dad, I'm not doing that. I'm getting her out of here.” I heard Emma moving through the house, and I had finally almost stopped crying, Brandon's arms loosened slightly, as she walked into the kitchen. “Oh no you don't, Kahlen. Let's go. This isn't happening, do not, I repeat,” she pulled me up from the floor taking my chin with her hand. “Do not go to that place right now. What you are feeling is misplaced, you need to see Sarah, talk to her about what you are feeling right now. Don't be around him,” she nodded her head toward where her brother stood behind me. “Not until you talk this shit out. Now let's go.”

Emma took my hand in hers, grabbing my purse from the counter as she passed it and ignored everyone telling her to stop, that we didn't have to leave. We left out the front door, and she slammed it shut and got me in the car. I heard an angry scream rip out of her as she kicked her new car when she walked around to the driver's side.

As she got in the car she spouted off every profanity under the sun. “And it's a motherfucking Saturday so she isn't even in the office.” She must be talking about Dr. Hyland. “We are going to get massages, mani's, and pedi's. There will be no talking, we both need to relax right now. If I talk I'm bound to say stuff that will upset you and I don't want to take my frustrations out on you, okay?” Quietly sniffling, I nodded my head as she drove away from the house.

Emma was true to her word while we were at the spa, she didn't say more than ten words and those were to the people who worked there. I wasn't sure if she was mad at me, though I assumed she was, and then I thought about Cole. I could picture the look on his face when I told him Bandon was back, could see the pain in his eyes as I told him how I reacted, that I'd let him hold me.

Why had I done that? I cried silently as we
sat getting our pedicures. Emma’s hand wrapped around my own, her mood somber. “It's because you love him Kay, that's why. I can see you beating yourself up over there over seeing Brandon again. And I'd say it's safe to bet that if Brandon hadn't shown back up today, you would've been beaming over Cole telling me you thought you two might be falling in love.”

A sob actually broke through my attempt at silence. “You love them both, Kahlen, and that's okay, but I'm telling you right now you can't have them both, not like that. You have to pick. Don't lead them both along, don't get yourself so wrapped up in the possibility of both of them that you end up leaving yourself with neither.”

Emma was right. For some reason I felt I'd always feel tied to Brandon, but with Cole I knew I was coming into my own being by his side. One thing I knew for sure was I needed to talk this out with someone and the only person coming to mind was Dr. Hyland.

When Emma dropped me back off at my apartment I immediately called and left a message for Sarah telling her I needed to see her right away, as soon as she was available. She called me back about a half hour later and told me to take some time and think about the session we had where we talked about Brandon and Cole. She also told me she didn't think Brandon coming back into town changed anything I felt deep down. She felt the one session we had about this was all she could allow. The last piece of advice she wanted me to remember...matters of the heart, she said, are often over thought and tried to be governed by the mind. She told me love cannot be rationalized, only felt with the heart, and love of the purest form could make it through anything.

My anxiety was off the charts in anticipation of seeing Cole later. He probably wouldn't want to even look at me over how I'd let Brandon hold me, and Brandon didn't want to see me in the first place, or so Jules said.

I wanted to scream, cry, hit something...and so I did. As I lay on the couch, eyelids heavy from all of the emotional lows today, the last thing that crossed my mind was that through everything today I kept the flashbacks at bay, and who helped get me to the place in my life where I could do that finally.

Chapter 20

I woke up on the couch with a kink in my neck and a horrible headache. I needed to eat something before going to see Cole, but the thought of food left me feeling ill from all the nerves. I really just needed to talk this out with someone. The hardest part for me was leaving everything I felt stuck in my own head to try and work through on my own. Sometimes if I only said it out loud it made more sense.

Hoping Brandon was still at his parents' house, I made my way to the building next door. Knocking, I prayed Jax would be home, and when he opened the door I started crying.

“
Brandon is back, and Cole doesn't know yet, right?” He must have talked to Emma, either that or he was as creepily in tune with everyone as she was, all the more reason they belonged together. I nodded, and he ushered me into the apartment with his arm around my shoulders. “I can listen, Kahlen, but I'm really not that great at giving advice,” Jax said with a shrug and a bit of a frown. “Especially not when it comes to situations like this.” I knew he was referring to what he went through with Brandon and Sadie.

“It's fine, I really just need to get it all out. Talk about it out loud, you know, like sometimes my thoughts organize better if I get it all out of my head.” He nodded, though the look on his face told me he didn't have any idea what I was talking about. I took a couple deep breaths, but when I went to talk the door to their apartment opened and Brandon came walking in.

Jax muttered, 'shit', under his breath, but got up with a smile on his face. “Hey, man. Long time no see,” he greeted Brandon with a hug. Brandon nodded, eyes darting to where I sat on the couch.

“Can you give us a minute?” Brandon's eyes moved to look at me, and without turning around Jax nodded and walked down the hall to his room. I was glad he stayed though, I could at least tell Cole that much.

Brandon's whiskey eyes pulled me in as he walked closer to me, and the intense way he looked at me, like he could see right through me, like he knew everything about me, it unnerved me. “Kahlen,” he seemed to be having a hard time making his voice work. “I went to your apartment first looking for you,” he approached me tentatively. Running his hand into his hair he left it there for a few seconds then pulled on his hair as he removed it. “There are so many things I want to say to you, so many,” he shook his head as he looked at the ground.

“I have some things I'd like to get off my chest too, but maybe a lot of those will be answered by you talking. So,” I moved my hands in front of me motioning for him to get on with it.

“The night you told me about what you had gone through I honestly couldn't believe how not fucked up you were, especially in comparison to myself. I understand what we went through individually was not the same, but you seemed to have your shit together for the most part, just those damn flashbacks that creeped up on you.

When I looked at you, I mean
really looked at you
, Kahlen, I knew I wasn't good enough for you. I had already treated you and done things to you that were no better than those assholes you lived with for all those years. But the way you looked at me every single time we were around each other, like you could see your soul mirrored in my eyes, for the first time in my life I wanted to be better for someone.

I never did the dating thing, never cared to have a girlfriend, I just didn't fucking care about anyone. Not until you. What you told me that night was like a punch to the face. How could I possibly be for you what you would ever need if I was only half a person myself. So, I left.”

This was not what I expected. I figured he would apologize for leaving me in his bed alone that night, and then tell me he was fine now so we could be together. The more his words sank in, the more I realized maybe he really did get the help he needed while he was gone.

“I know Emma told you about what happened with Sadie, and honestly in a way that really did ruin me. Talk about karma. But, I did deal with all of that a lot while I was away. I'm still not totally sure I'm not to blame, but I do realize I did not make her choose to do what she did. If she really was pregnant, which the psychiatrist reminded me I didn't even know for sure, and the baby was mine I would have done what I needed to take care of my kid.

I don't know what else Sadie was going through, maybe she needed a reason to justify in her mind why she did what she did. My point is, I can't control anything other than myself, that I did figure out. That and I need to take responsibility for my actions. Which comes to the main reason I wanted to talk to you.

When we first met I was in the lowest place I'd been. It was meaningless blow job, after meaningless fuck, after meaningless girl. My life was that. I had stopped school, the band hardly played any more, I worked and drank. Then one afternoon I walk out of my parents' house ready to end it all, just like she did, and I turn around and see you.

Never have I in my life felt my world shift so indefinitely than in the moment when our eyes locked. It was like you were what tethered me to earth, my gravity. And I hated you for it because now I had a reason not to throw everything away, so I snapped at you and in that moment I didn't feel bad for it no matter how I was feeling about you personally.”

Okay, this
really
isn't what I expected him to say. He
hated
me?

“At the party when that fucker Josh put his hands on you, I felt like someone was trying to take my property. I really could've killed him for touching you, Kahlen. Sorry,” shaking his head, he messed with something that looked like a rubber band on his wrist. “Seeing the marks his hands put on you tore at my heart, and my l
ips on your skin, ah Kahlen, it was more connected than I'd ever felt to someone in my life, and that made me hate you a little more.”